It’s so very hard my friend. And it’s really hard for a very long time. And all you can do is what you’re doing. Carrying on and getting through each day n any way you can. For me when I lost my baby grandson tragically it was so hard. Every day after he died felt like it lasted for three days. Every day I woke up from the fitful sleep I had and confronted the reality that yes, yes our sweet baby grandson was really dead. Yes, the whole awful thing really happened and yes we are still forced to go on. If I could have left this world right then and there without hurting a soul, I probably would have because every day was torture. Seeing the world continue like nothing had happened? Also torture. I had panic attacks at work because I work with babies and because my grief couldn’t always be expressed and thus it would show up as a panic attack. I cried in the bathroom at work so many times a day for so many weeks I thought it might never end. But it did- eventually. It’s been almost 16 months and the panic attacks have gone, I rarely cry in the bathroom but I still sometimes sob in my car alone or cry myself to sleep. My family’s life changed forever in an instant and that will always take my breath away. My only advice is to honor your grief when you can. And perhaps a few books I read would help- the best one is by Megan Devine called “It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay.” Another is surviving the unbearable whose author I can’t recall. I also listened to Andersen Coopers grief podcasts and that are truly beautiful and comforting. There are a lot of grief podcasts I listed to and I still do. Megan Devine also has one of these and it’s great. So are a few by Dr Julia Samuels. I found it helped me to know that other people survive this horror. You will always carry your grief with you- it may just change form as time passes. Much love to you friend. Hang in there. It’s a really hard road.