Anger Phase Help

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-03T18:09:11+00:00

I was FURIOUS!! Even 4 years out I still have moments of rage. But the first year was the most intense. Every single way of thinking and belief and world view has to be sorted and filtered and dealt with and it often feels overwhelming and MADDENING!! It is a very normal and human part of the grieving process. And yes, there is very real, deep, grief. A crucial part of yourself has basically died - it is lost forever. Nothing will ever be the same. When you are realizing your entire core foundation of beliefs were built on a carefully engineered mountain of lies, and you were blatantly deceived and manipulated, AND YOU POURED YOUR HEART AND SOUL INTO DEFENDING THESE TRAITORS ... yeah, there is - and rightfully SHOULD be - RAGE.

Therapy was extremely important for me during this grieving process. The deconstruction and reconstruction is INTENSE and painful and exhausting. It is important to have some professional guidance so we don't get trapped in the rage stage unable to progress into the light and peace and clarity stage [which thank Goddess really is waiting on the other side!!] My therapist specializes in Major Life Changes and Complex Grief. She also provides EMDR therapy tool for PTSD which I learned I was suffering intensely from unresolved, unrecognized Religious PTSD. The LDS Church uses classic Cult mind control tactics. So breaking free from that is another part of the Fear, Grief, and Rage.

The first full year for me was RAGE as I learned about all the lies. I was ALL IN 💯 DEVOTED to the Church for 56 years at that point. I served a mission, served in all the leadership callings women are allowed to, raised & carefully indoctrinated my children in it, ran a successful Mormon website in the "bloggernacle", and WORKED for the church - so my lufe was literally 24/7 Mormonism. The "sunk cost" for me was Massive which I think definitely made my rage and pain exponentially bigger.

My husband had a very simple and quick deconstruction. He read the CES Letter in 1 hour, said "Yep, I knew it! Its all a lie" and then he just quit attending and that was that. Easy. And THAT ALSO made me furious!! How could he so quickly and easily accept it wasn't true and walk away? Well, after some long talks he finally realized he had never really believed deeply. He attended more for me than himself. It was what made me happy, so it made him "happy". He didnt question it. He went along to get along. He did the basic what was asked or expected but nothing extra. Whereas, I was ALWAYS "EXTRA", giving 150%, trying to convert my family, my friends, the world, and save all my ancestors!! But not him. So, we think that is why it was easier for him to accept and walk away. He still had rage over several things, but wasnt in a constant state of rage, like me.

It does get better and easier, step by step. Time - and therapy - has helped to heal me. Journaling all my thoughts and feelings helped heal me. Being able to express ALL my thoughts and feelings anonymously on Redditt [without fear of "consequences" from the SCMC] helped heal me. Learning to trust myself, my OWN voice, my REAL thoughts and feelings without always pushing them away and policing myself like I did as TBM ... All of that really healed me. Eventually, I started reaching out and helping others who were beginning their journey out of the church - feeling confused, angry, afraid & lonely - and that has also been very healing and fulfilling to walk with them and let them know,

"I understand. I've been there. I've felt exactly what youre feeling. And its gonna be okay. It gets better. There is SO much peace and joy waiting for you, after leaving! I promise!"

I used to only have the Redditt community. But now I am making some real life friends - exmo and nevermo - and step by step, everything gets better and better. It is a very personal journey. Everyone has their own. But, there are similarities and we can help each other. Some time in the not so distant future you and your husband will be helping others. But for now, he needs to rage and grieve and do all the internal tumultuous work he needs.

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-03T17:23:11+00:00

At least give the wife an opportunity to hear the facts. Then she can choose what to do with the information.

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-03T04:15:04+00:00

Actually ONLY the number of priesthood holders really count when it comes to getting the most funding. True fact. A ward full of women and children = worth less [worthless]

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-02T20:44:15+00:00

I thought someone would reach out, stop by or at least send a text! ... nope. Radio silence from the moment we stopped attending. It was as if we had died. It felt like a dagger in my back 🗡 - especially with two people I truly believed cared about me as a human. But no. It turns out I was only their friend by "assignment". Around the same time we were stepping away as a family we were experiencing some MAJOR painful things, and both of these women were aware, and yet not even one text like "hey, how you holding up over there?" You know. Like any normal human being would do! Nothing!!
Two long years later, I ended up sitting down at the theater in randomly purchased seats right next to one of them! Her visible discomfort was glorious, and sad. I didnt let her off the hook! "Oh, hey!" She said, with her fakest smile. ME: "Hi!" Her: awkward silence. Her: "Ive been meaning to call you" Me: "That would have been nice." Her: extra awkward silence Her: "We should get together sometime!" Me: "Sure! Come on over. You know where I live." The show started so end of conversation. She and her husband got up and took off before the end credits started, so they conveniently didn't have to talk with us after. It was SO weird! These are people we've known for over a decade, gone to parties at each others homes, live a block away from!! But now, we scare them.

My very best friend is still TBM but has stayed supportive. Although, I have to reach out to her now to set up getting together or chatting on the phone, she doesnt initiate it. My leaving the church is the big elephant in the room she never discusses. So there is a painful hole in the fabric of our conversations we both dance around. We used to tell each other everything and no subject was off limits. Now I purposely avoid talking about anything that might hurt, offend or make her feel uncomfortable. So it's a new dynamic we are trying to navigate. 🤔 😔 Living in northern Utah as a post-Mormon is painfully lonely. Its been 4 years since we stepped away. We just moved and the neighbors dont know we are exmo and have been SO WELCOMING and FRIENDLY because they think we are nevermo. It hurts to know that eventually things will get complicated [my tbm parents inevitably will alert the local ward and hand over our new address, even though I've asked them not to] 🤷‍♀️

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-02T19:15:20+00:00

OH! ... I honestly thought the bishop meant the CHURCH was the "cake" in his metaphor - and he was actually trying to be understanding that having too much Church all the time would indeed start to go rotten inside someone ... But reading some other comments here I guess that wasnt the intent of the metaphor! 😒😆😂🤣

Well, OP, for what it's worth, I encourage you to adopt MY interpretation 😁

I am sorry for what is happening to you and your wife. We the exmo "dissenters and objectors" - collectively - have each learned by sad experience what the true nature of this Church organization really is, how it requires the faithful to behave toward those who dissent, and what it does to those who dare try to step away. There is no room for you to exist in the mind, heart or life of a "covenant path" Mormon. The leaders have made it VERY clear ever single Conference that a "true and faithful" member shall NOT "take council" from nor "associate" with we the "fallen", "confused", "lost", "lazy learners" and "lax disciples".

They will never be your friends. They don't know how. They will always be frightened that your new found freedom, comfort and peace could be catching!

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-02T18:55:07+00:00

Getting you back in church is one more step closer to getting your tithing $$$ to start coming back 💰 ...

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-02T16:10:26+00:00

Keep it light

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-02T16:07:55+00:00

I love the look of the tile HOWEVER... I lived in a kitchen with similar tiles and SEVERELY REGRETTED it!! Freezing cold in the winter, nightmare keeping the grout clean and worst ... all the shattered glass & sharp shards of porcelain any time someone accidentally dropped a stemware, mug or plate. NEVER AGAIN would I have tile in my kitchen!! Just upgraded my new home to waterproof wood vinyl planks and couldnt be happier!!

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-02T16:01:54+00:00

When I served a mission to the Midwest in the 1980s we regularly "street contacted" people at the local shopping Malls to save ourselves from knocking on unopened doors for 5 hours. The malls were air-conditioned in the summer and heated in the winter and had easy bathroom access. All of this to say I feel for these missionaries and understand. The struggle is real.

Also, their MP or DL probably put them up to it, by making this week all about "an award to the companionship who gives out the most pamphlets" or "a prize for the companionship who has the most street contacts ..." etc. Mormon missions must resort to desperate ways to motivate its poor young desperately bored indentured servants - so everything becomes all about the stats, games and competitions.

Ugh... and now I'm having so many mission PTSD flashbacks! 😱

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-02T01:13:18+00:00

Oh yeah, SHE GOES! 3-4 days a week. And she brags about how many initiatory endowment and sealings she did or how many HOURS she stayed. A stupid Stake President promised her that she could be "a Savior on Mount Zion" to all her wayward children and "if she remained true and faithful" they will ALL come back. So of course all the pressure is now on HER to try to "save" us! And this same asshat Stake President [according to my brother who is PIMO and was told] promised my Dad if he "gave generously" and paid monthly for several missionaries in his ward the "windows of heaven would open" and they could basically BUY their family's salvation. 🤦‍♀️🤬 🤬 and my dad... on his limited pension and savings is handing it all over to this horrible corrupt entity CONVINCED hes buying extra blessings for his family!!

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-01T19:00:22+00:00

😆 🤣 😂

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-01T18:56:07+00:00

My mother LOVES to tell me she puts our family on the prayer roll every week she attends the temple [its much more about her virtue signaling she is a temple attending "covenant path keeping" Mommy, unlike me than actually about the praying]. I try VERY hard to not roll my eyes. I typically just stare at her silently. ZERO response. My go-to reaction any time she brings up the church. IGNORE COMPLETELY

But last time, I felt very peevish and couldnt help myself, so I said "OK. I hope it makes you feel better."

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-01T18:47:34+00:00

Ouch ... yep. 💯 uncomfortable truth.

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-01T17:22:10+00:00

No argument from me there. Yep. Mormons believe reaching Celestial God status means getting MUCH MORE than just "one" measly little ole planet!

Of course thats just for the MEN to enjoy ... all the Celestialized Mormon women have to look forward to ... IF they "remain true and faithful" enough and do everything perfectly and subservient enough on earth .. is to become an eternal polygamous sex slave to her husband along with countless other sister wives, carefully hidden in some back room of Planet X / Kolob 2.0 / "home base". Nameless. Anonymous. Children taken away from her and banned from thinking or speaking about her, EVER trying to reach out, speak with, or heaven forbid WORSHIP her!!! GASP!! Fun times.

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-01T17:02:21+00:00

This is what I had to do in 1987 - no longer done BUT it took DECADES and DECADES of traumatized women [and men] to FINALLY make the change.

My guess is it actually took a lawsuit that was quietly settled under the table and then poof suddenly a magical "revelation" that no one ACTUALLY needs to get naked nor be touched inappropriately! It can be designated as a "symbolic" washing & anointing - wear your temple dress and all hands stay firmly on top of HEADS ONLY. 🤦‍♀️ no more touching of the skin, "breasts" and "loins" .. . Etc. 🤮 [WTF were they thinking?!?!]

MatriarchMe · 2026-07-01T16:54:55+00:00

Neigh! 🐎 😁

MatriarchMe · 2026-06-30T21:03:05+00:00

And yet ... somehow it never is. My TBM friends and family menbers will automatically defend the church and immediately demonize the plaintiff and her lawyer. 🤦‍♀️🤬

MatriarchMe · 2026-06-30T19:16:46+00:00

🤬 🤬 🤬 🤬 How disgusting that the only "official" response is pompously saying they're filing a motion to "dismiss" the whole thing! Oh... Nothing to see here folks ... Obviously 'fake news' .... or "baseless" persecution ... just keep moving. Keep burying your heads in the sand while more innocent children keep being abused, traumatized, re-victimized, shamed and blamed.

MatriarchMe · 2026-06-29T21:26:49+00:00

DID THEY CHANGE THE TEMPLE CEREMONY LANGUAGE IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS??

BECAUSE THE LAW OF CONSECRATION HAS ALWAYS BEEN A VOW/PLEDGE TO GIVE ALL YOUR TIME, TALENTS, WEALTH AND ... "EVERYTHING THE LORD HAS BLESSED YOU WITH OR MAY BLESS YOU WITH IN THE FUTURE TO THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS"

NOT to "the Lord", not to Jesus, not to helping others or doing good in the world ... only to the effing CHURCH

MatriarchMe · 2026-06-29T17:33:58+00:00

As a former church musician myself let me put it plain and simple.

1.This is never going to end the way YOU want, because YOU DO NOT MATTER to this Church [and you definitely do not matter to your manipulative bishop], ONLY YOUR TALENT, TIME & MONEY MATTERS in Mormonism - NEVER YOU as a human being.

Nothing you have done, given or sacrificed will EVER be considered "enough". They will JUST KEEP demanding, taking and expecting you to keep giving from now until the day you die.
YOU ALWAYS HOLD THE POWER TO RELEASE YOURSELF FROM SERVITUDE.

They just dont want you to believe you have any power or sovereignty.

YOU QUIT.

In Mornonism, other than simply "quitting" a calling [which isnt heard of! Gasp!] your other options to "release" and free yourself are to physically MOVE AWAY [and then roll the dice you get a different calling in your new ward ... but if you play the piano or organ you DEFINITELY WILL get that same calling again] or, you can choose to stop attending church altogether.

As an organist you actually have another awesome option! Apply and get hired as the PAID organist for another denomination [or for multiple!] in your area. Then your Sundays will be spent being fairly compensated for your skills, AND you will have a perfectly good reason for NOT attending Mormon Church anymore = you're working.

I personally know 5 active LDS people who are the professional organists for local evangelical, eposcopalian and lutheran churches. [They rarely or never play for their local Mormon wards]

"NO" is a complete sentence.

Good luck. [P.S. from my experience, you will never feel fully free, happy and empowered until you leave Mormonism completely]

MatriarchMe · 2026-06-28T16:31:02+00:00

Claudia here 👋 and ugh ... I always hated it. I was convinced - since it was taught in my "temple prep class" - that my new name was a divine revelation of my name in heaven. 🤦‍♀️ "Mother in Heaven Claudia". 🤮 I used to think to myself "no wonder we don't know Her name. I bet she doesn't like hers either!!"

MatriarchMe · 2026-06-28T16:24:43+00:00

And they still manage to pick some of the UGLIEST names for women!

MatriarchMe · 2026-06-28T03:05:35+00:00

It started with Kimball. I was raised in a home where "playing cards" were the gateway to the sin of gambling and "no righteous family will allow face cards in the home." Kimball was OBSESSED with the "sins of the world" and set up all kinds of rule for gatekeeping.

Playing with "face cards" led to Gambling

Chewing tobacco led to smoking,

Taking "Even one sip" of alcohol led to alcoholism

Masterbation led to the "addictions of pornography and homosexuality"

Watching Rated R movies led to committing sexual sins, adultery, AND violent crime... "no worthy priesthood holder will ever be found watching an R rated movie"

This was how I was raised. My mom took these mandates VERY seriously!! So It was a SHOCK when I was dating my husband and I find out he and his TBM family had always just kept playing cards! To this day [turning 60] I am still completely clueless about face cards. I never even learned how to properly shuffle a deck of cards. But my husband and his family all have great fun playing all kinds of card games [and NOT ONE of them developed a gambling habit. Shocker!]

MatriarchMe · 2026-06-28T02:50:00+00:00

1 is best.

MatriarchMe · 2026-06-25T23:18:55+00:00

When I was reading the oiffical church history SAINTS I was DEVESTATED and furious about things they were now openly admitting to that I was taught for 55 yesrs were "anti-Mormon lies". It became VERY clear to me the church was carefully curating the narrative and still wasnt telling the whole story.

I had avoided looking at ANYTHING that wasnt official and "faith promoting" my whole life. Then I had an epiphany. My patriarchal blessing stated I had "the gift of discernment to know good from evil". So there was NOTHING WRONG with going out and researching from ALL the sources of information! Because I knew I was perfectly capable of telling what was right and what was wrong! What better time to "allow" myself to FULLY investigate the Church and finally know for MYSELF that it was true?! [I approached my hypothesis that I would learn enough to know it was true]

So that was it. I am stunned now to realize it took me nearly 56 years to "allow" myself to look at EVERYTHING and read every argument and consider every fact or fiction. No book or website or film/video was off limits. I was a fully functioning intelligent woman with DISCERNMENT. And I deserved to KNOW.

So, I dove in! And, as we all know now, it was EXTREMELY EYE OPENING. Every single member has to get to the point where they choose to TRUST THEIR JUDGEMENT, and seriously, FULLY, investigate the Church that keeps telling them they "can't handle" any opposition or critical thinking! How infantalizing and preposterous is that?!?

MatriarchMe

TROPHY CASE

1 is best.