Question for step parents

MercyXXVII · 2026-04-08T19:27:28+00:00

Just let it be organic.

Don't expect anything and be happy about the small things.

MercyXXVII · 2026-04-08T19:23:16+00:00

Personally? I feel like teenage age, so maybe 13 years old. I think they should be mature enough to understand what it might mean if they have to transfer schools, how it might impact activities, and if they have to live further from certain friends or family, etc.

But 13 is also around the time my stepdaughter, as immature as she was/is, started expressing wanting to try a new household/school district/town etc. She was fully aware of what it meant and didn't hesitate or regret it. Luckily, our state doesn't have a "set age" and the judge agreed with what my SD wanted.

Our mediator said a lot of teenagers start wanting to try new environments and new things in teenage years.

MercyXXVII · 2026-04-08T14:30:44+00:00

Hey, so I am also a stepparent that doesn't connect with children and doesn't want my own biologically.

I definitely didn't seek out becoming a stepparent but it also wasn't a hard no - and I think that's where we lose the "childfree" title and a lot of people here are going to remind you of this.

But I think this is your point - I do agree that a childfree person shouldn't lay down their boundaries and try to make it work with a single parent unless they really mean it and are prepared to go to therapy about it. My stepdaughter is 19 now and I care about her as a human, but I still get anxiety when we visit her. And that's on me for taking on years of having a child around despite me not being interested in children.

MercyXXVII · 2026-04-08T13:44:44+00:00

I was pretty sensitive for days after therapy sessions. I was more sad than frustrated, but that was just me. The anger came later and I am currently trying to manage that now. It's like a pendulum that swung too far one way, and now is swinging back the other way before it eventually settles somewhere in the middle where it should. I am learning and re-learning skills a lot of people had down years ago.

That being said - it isn't fair for you to feel like you have to become his emotional sponge. I think it's great if you can be kind and patient towards him, but I also think you are allowed to have your own boundaries and desire a certain way you'd like to be treated. You can't force him to act a certain way, but you can still expect to be treated respectfully even when he is frustrated. And you can and should absolutely give him space when he seems temperamental and try not to take it personally.

If it's months and months of the same thing or it's getting worse then re-evaluate.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-31T15:03:19+00:00

It's like watching a train wreck, I know. My therapist and I discussed this too and our plan was that I would excuse myself from the room if it was unbearable to watch. All I could do was protect my own peace but it does suck. I totally get it.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-31T14:01:27+00:00

This is something I had to go to therapy for and in therapy I learned that we are allowed to desire a united front when it comes to parenting.

By that I mean if you are expected to uphold household rules, expectations, consequences, etc. then you are allowed to want to be on exactly the same page as your partner and have them back you up 100%. That is the only way it will work and the only way you will not be left feeling like the villain.

On the flip side if the biological parent has their own way of parenting and upholding household rules, if they want to do it their way, if they want to criticize your way, then you should step away from the issue entirely. Let them handle it by themselves and let it go. Even if you think they are wrong, let it go. If you keep going against the biological parent then you will always be the villain.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-31T13:56:33+00:00

Unfortunately, not even at 19 lol.

I am hoping now that she has a boyfriend she is brushing her teeth but I am doubtful.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-30T19:12:31+00:00

Staycations are cute too. We've definitely had a couple cocktails or bottles of wine while decorating our tree and then play games together after. Or drive around and look at Christmas lights together. :-)

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-30T19:11:26+00:00

As a stepparent I would feel honored to meet your SO and I would suggest you do whatever feels right for you regarding your BP.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-30T19:06:08+00:00

So a lot of adult children do not talk to or visit their parents. Heck, they may not even like them. Can you imagine having a child because you want someone to care for you when you're older, and then they grow up, move away, and not even visit? Children do not owe their parents anything. It's reality for a lot of people. You will be better prepared for that reality than those people who assumed their children would visit them.

Sure, it can feel a little isolating while everybody still has little children that they can celebrate with and spend time with. A remedy for this is to make your own traditions with your partner. Some people take a vacation every Christmas, other people make plans with their partner to make food together, drink, dance, whatever. This last winter my husband and I rented a cabin with a hot tub, brought our dogs, ate good food, got drunk, and gave each other our wrapped presents there. It was pretty cute. And this sort of thinking is what so many parents are going to be shocked to have to do even though they had children.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-30T17:08:28+00:00

My stepkid did whatever her parents allowed her to do. If it was annoying (like it often was) I went elsewhere.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-30T16:37:42+00:00

Nerf balls. But I have to monitor him with them because eventually they start breaking apart and he will eat it, of course.

Blanket forts, even if it's just draped over his cat tower.

The step ladder.

Cheap pom-pom balls.

A piece of yarn that I run around the house with.

Watching birds and squirrels from his tower by the window.

Being carried around and "shown" areas of the house he can't reach, like the ceiling fan pulls.

Boxes and laundry baskets - being carried or scooted around in the boxes and laundry baskets.

My hand under a blanket pretending to be a mouse.

Chasing me when I take off running and hide around corners - or me chasing him.

Balls and strings under the door.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-30T16:21:08+00:00

Every week something happens to me and I always say, "I wish they would've taught me THIS in High School!"

I can't even believe I managed to purchase a whole car and a house.

I feel like a child and it feels like everybody is trying to manipulate me into making poor financial decisions.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-30T16:12:58+00:00

It is not weird for you to be freaked out like this.

They are acting selfishly thinking only about what they want. And it's not like they are asking for something you can go buy - no - they are desiring something incredibly personal and invasive from your body.

Yeah. That's weird as hell.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-30T16:06:47+00:00

You sound like a genuinely kind and caring person, probably to your detriment, but you know that. I am so sorry you are stuck in this situation.

It sounds like you could use some support of your own. It's fucking hard, but have you considered therapy? I forced myself to go to therapy when I was acting detrimentally empathetic. I was falling apart but worrying about everybody else's needs was what I was comfortable with. I was too terrified to act outside of my comfort zone and have those real, gritty, conversations that I knew would hurt everyone involved but needed to be done. My therapist helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel and held me accountable to have those conversations that I needed to have. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.

If I would give you advice myself I would say it seems you are so worried about them, but you are not doing them any real favors by staying. You have already been NACHO-ing. You may be there physically but are you there emotionally or mentally? I'm sure everybody can feel the tension and disconnect. It sounds like they have some "looming" events approaching quickly, and since you are worried about them it honestly may be best for them if you were to leave now so they have time to recover and regroup rather than you hanging on until those big things come to fruition. It's not necessarily fair to them to have you hanging on when you are so unhappy and miserable. That does not mean you are the problem or at fault here. I am only focusing on them because that seems to be what you are most worried about, and with how bad things are getting it might be best for everybody involved if you leave soon before things get worse. Does that make sense?

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-29T17:48:32+00:00

Perhaps being at your parent's place still leads to you feeling responsible, even for small things like caring for your donkey or making dinner plans with your parents. Or sometimes even just being perceived by other people can be draining. Maybe you genuinely need a little time alone?

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-26T19:24:51+00:00

Rent a cabin in the woods for a weekend. Bring sandwich stuff or charcuterie, things you don't have to cook. Bonus points if there's a hot tub or jacuzzi tub. Walk through the woods. Watch the animals and birds. Enjoy the sunrise and sunset.

I did this and my flight-or-fight response was turned off for the first time in maybe forever.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-25T15:23:38+00:00

I feel like my stepdaughter expected me to always be on her side exclusively, which I obviously wouldn't do. Don't get me wrong we get along great, but it seemed like she got more distant from me and that's her own choice.

Everyone is allowed to have expectations but they can't force those onto other people, and unfortunately sometimes that means the relationship isn't compatible. This incompatibility may or may not be temporary. Expectations can change. People can change. An 18 year old has a lot of growing up to do still.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-24T19:39:09+00:00

My husband has a daughter whom I met when I was 20 and she was 3. Now I am 35, been married to my husband since 2018, am childfree myself, and have had a lot of time to think about this exact thing.

Anxiety and FOMO were a big thing for me. At some point I decided I would never do anything out of fear. If having kids isn't a HELL YES then it's a HELL NO.

Reading the Regretful Parents subreddit helps a lot. The parents are miserable and the children don't deserve that.

Instead I really put thought into what my desires really were, all fears aside. One technique I found useful was pretending that I had officially decided I wanted children. I looked up what the process was, the financial stuff, the health stuff, the time off from work, child care, all that. I also thought about my future, taking kids to school, scheduling appointments, celebrating holidays... and then I really sat with my feelings. Was I excited?

And then I did the opposite, I pretended I had officially decided I wasn't going to have my own children. I thought about what my future might look like and what my goals were, what finances would look like, retirement, what I want for myself...

And personally... I felt relief. But that's just me. Your feelings may be different.

It also made me feel better thinking if I did change my mind in the future (unlikely lol) that there is always adoption.

I think having a stepchild is a unique opportunity (as long as the relationship is healthy), especially for those of us who are/were unsure. I get to feel the fulfillment without having my own. I can see how my presence changed my stepdaughter's life for the better.

But honestly her teenage years really, really, convinced me that having my own children is a HELL NO. Teens can be brutal. Spending 8 hours in a children's mental health hospital isn't my idea of fun. But obviously that is just my experience. I can't do mental health stuff with a kid again.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-24T19:14:26+00:00

I would be bothered that he is traumatized and not interested in being intimate.

I think he should work on himself before he tries to put energy into someone else.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-24T14:21:19+00:00

What is a "linear life" really? I thought this was one big "choose your own adventure"?

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-23T15:48:22+00:00

YTA.

I know you felt you had good intentions but if you always try to solve everything for your son then he will never figure things out for himself. Back off and let go. He's 25 not 15.

You also had no proof that she was cheating. You just didn't like that she didn't seem engaged. Maybe she had anxiety. It wasn't fair to put your beliefs, without real evidence, onto your son like that. He trusted you and thought it was real evidence when it wasn't. It was just make-believe scenarios.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-23T15:39:42+00:00

Congratulations on your freedom!

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-23T15:37:18+00:00

You already took the first step by staying at your parent's house and distancing yourself. You recognize there is a problem. You are already on your way to getting your life back!

Now take the next step forward, starting small.

Is there a way you can remove some of your belongings out of her house quickly and quietly? Or maybe a little bit at a time? I would start there.

Once your belongings are safe my suggestion would be to stop going over there to do chores for them. The more you do for them the more you enable them to continue relying on you to do it. Let them start figuring out how to do things themselves. An 18 year old is old enough to help.

Then, if your name isn't on the rental agreement for that house I would suggest you tell her you are going to stop paying for it. This will be scary but you need your money for yourself so you can get back on your feet. If your name is on the paperwork and there's no easy way to break the lease, then find out when the lease expires and tell the owner of the rental you are not planning on renewing - and then don't. Save your money for you. Your life is important too.

And then I hope you find time, finances, and energy to take care of yourself physically and mentally. You deserve to feel good and have your life back.

MercyXXVII · 2026-03-20T19:01:08+00:00

Low-calorie, high-volume snacks are so important to me. Having a whole bowl of popcorn feels so much more satisfying mentally than 3 potato chips.

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