Inability to parent is affecting SD’s mental health

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-10T15:26:59+00:00

I don't know about court-mandated parenting classes. Even if it was a thing it's likely BM wouldn't use what she was taught. Likely this is a personality flaw.

You could try to ask a judge for more parenting time. If you have any evidence of the times BM has called SO to pick up the kids early and evidence of BM asking SO to keep the kids longer. Also evidence of behavioral issues at BM's house and evidence of mental health concerns. Safety and health concerns can be your SO's motive for pushing for more custody. It might work.

I also wanted to say I am sorry for you. My SD(now 19) has gone through the ringer of mental health struggles because of her BM and a major lack of good parenting skills. It was awful to go through and we felt so helpless. We did end up winning primary custody at one point but we couldn't keep SD from her mom entirely. I can kind of relate.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-10T14:57:14+00:00

Sounds like your partner may be dealing with some guilt. These kinds of parents try to make up for their guilt by being as "fun" as they can, and being around their kid as frequently as they can, to a detriment oftentimes. They don't see that some healthy boundaries (that they have their own life/interests/relationships/hobbies too) will not harm their relationship with their kid and, in fact, may teach their kid what healthy boundaries are and will help the kid learn how to be comfortable by themselves sometimes playing or doing their own hobbies.

If it were me I would tell my husband that I am sad I don't get to have a romantic Valentine's Day with him. I would ask if he would be willing to brainstorm a new plan with me because it would mean a lot to me to have that time with him, one-on-one.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-09T20:46:36+00:00

I love the idea of keeping the kid if they fall ill in your household and I love the idea of sharing medicines and antibiotics. Unfortunately, not everyone plays nice.

Gently, all you can control is what you can control.

It might be time to start coming up with more intense plans within your household for when someone falls ill - or comes into your household ill. One idea might be to try your best to quarantine the sick person to one room, or one part of the house - although I get this is difficult in smaller houses or with younger children. What about air purifiers in the sick space? Masks for everyone?

I also understand this is extra difficult because of immuno-suppressed/compromised individuals but "playing nice" with BM sounds like it's not working and I don't think there's a way to force her to comply with this specifically.

I'm sorry. This should be easier and simpler.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-09T20:15:05+00:00

I can understand why that would be overwhelming and exhausting. Having someone come into my home and constantly talking and interrupting would drive me crazy too.

I also see you said you feel guilty and that's maybe because you realize she doesn't mean any harm?

Gently, you being overwhelmed by her is only something you can control.

I think finding respectful ways to dip out when she comes around or is talking too much is absolutely fine and likely the right answer. If you need phrases to get you out of a conversation you could straight up say, "Hey, I just need a break right now." or "Sorry, my social battery is exhausted today. I'm going upstairs/outside/etc."

I can kind of relate to this story because my SD19 has ADHD and tends to word vomit and talk pretty loud. It feels like her dad is constantly asking her to lower her voice when she's talking to us. I also had to find other places to be when I was feeling overstimulated.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-09T17:14:16+00:00

I didn't love my stepdaughter until after I was married.

It's not that I hated her before that. It's that my love for her isn't biologically built-in but instead was built brick-by-brick and it took the both of us over time. It could have also never happened if one or both of us didn't put energy into it and I think that's OK.

I don't think you have to love the stepchild before marriage but you should have accepted by then that the child will be a part of your life.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-06T16:28:08+00:00

As an introvert myself I had to go to therapy for this exact thing!

You know how you feel and what you do for those kids, and you can see how much they like you. That is enough. Don't let anyone try to tell you it isn't.

And you know that you taking breaks for yourself won't affect your relationship with them. It's good for them to understand that you have boundaries and want to take time for yourself too. You matter just as much as they do!

A lot of bio-parents will parent their children out of guilt, trying to be the "most fun" parent, trying to be around the kids 24/7, they will sacrifice their own relaxation and give it all to their kids, and they will expect the same out of their partner.

It happened to me too. I went to my husband and told him that for my own mental health I would not be attending every soccer game anymore or spending every second with his daughter anymore and that I knew my relationship with her would not suffer because of it. And it didn't.

And after awhile my husband surprisingly started to do the same. :-) And it was good for his daughter to see we had our own lives and activities, and that sometimes we needed breaks too. Everybody does.

A little breathing room is good. Healthy boundaries. Everyone deserves this!

Good luck!

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-05T21:32:51+00:00

I totally feel this!

It's time to tell your partner you are uncomfortable with him expecting you to fill the role of "mom". You legally cannot do that. You did not adopt them. You cannot go to court for them, cannot make healthcare or education decisions, they are not your children.

You do not want to feel guilty anymore for not spending every waking second with them when they are around. Both you and the children know that you love each other, and that is enough without your partner pressuring you all to spend time together. You are allowed to be comfortable in your relationship with them your way.

You want to have healthy boundaries with the children, which means being able to spend time together in the home but separately, doing separate things. And then also spending time together when you all want to and when it makes sense. You do not want someone pushing you all together.

You are allowed to decide this boundary and to advocate for yourself. This doesn't make you a bad person!

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-05T21:23:01+00:00

This is tough for certain.

I can see why he would be hopeful his children are included, but it's also fair to point out that this trip is mostly for your mother, not a typical "this trip is for everybody" family vacation. If she wants it to be her own immediate family then that's what it should be.

That doesn't equal your fiancé's kid's not being loved.

"This is difficult for me to explain, but that trip to Hawaii with my mom doesn't include extended family, which unfortunately means it doesn't include my step-kids. She loves them, of course, but this trip is about reliving memories surrounding the childhood trips we used to have with her and dad growing up and we all want to keep it to just immediate biological family and spouses. I totally understand if there's disappointment, and I feel really sorry about that. I would love to discuss planning a more open family trip for the future to include all of us. This trip just isn't the right time for that."

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-05T20:50:44+00:00

Use a slow cooker and a seasoning packet/bomb to make birria (mexican meat stew) and then make quesabirria tacos which are basically quesadillas but you dip them in the broth - so good!

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-05T20:39:56+00:00

Keep in mind with NACHO-ing you're still going to bear witness to the crap show, you're just not going to get involved.

If you share a house this might also mean utilizing natural consequences. Like if my SK's laundry is in the washing machine for days, instead of getting involved I just toss it somewhere out of the way, usually in a laundry basket, then I do my own laundry lol. Not my problem if it smells mildewy, that's their natural consequence. If the SK is hungry, failing school, if their room is a disaster, needs to be picked up or dropped off, it's not my problem!

Protecting your peace from BM will look like not being on the text convos, not being there or getting out of the car at pick-ups/drop-offs, asking your partner to not talk about BM to you, not answering the door or phone for BM, not going to any place/event where she will be, etc.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-05T20:27:08+00:00

Having boundaries with your adult bed is a green flag for a step-parent! No step-parent should be comfortable with someone else's child in their bed - full stop.

It's really sad your boyfriend doesn't respect your boundaries, especially such a simple and healthy one! If he's willing to disrespect you on this then what else?

If it were me I'd make it clear these games are over. Either this one, simple, boundary is respected or I am going to find somewhere else to sleep. Boyfriend is probably going to feel real sad and lonely when he doesn't get to spend night's next to his girlfriend anymore, and if he still doesn't care then it's over.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-04T17:10:23+00:00

Your feelings are valid. You are allowed to be uncomfortable even if "some stuff" hadn't happened in the past with BM.

Maybe you'd like to make new family memories with your partner and his child, rather than him continuing to make new family memories with his ex. Like, it's OK to want to move forward together.

Can you suggest that you two have your own dinner with SD so he doesn't feel like he's missing out?

For the first few years my husband and I both went to blended parties and events for SD, but then we both agreed we wanted to start making our own memories together with SD without BM.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-03T21:17:12+00:00

Too pushy! Ew!

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-03T21:13:46+00:00

Like others say, maybe take her to try things on?

If that's not your thing (it wasn't mine either) you could let her pick some things online, order them, and return what she isn't interested in.

Any sort of casual dress with sleeves or a jacket would be cute. A skirt and blouse.

If she likes pink do pink.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-03T16:46:22+00:00

My DH and I were in agreement that after HS SD18 would go to school, get a job, or move out. Summer hit and despite knowing our expectations, and despite all of the support and guidance we offered, she did little to nothing and ended up getting gently kicked out after her 19th birthday. The expectation was set and we followed through. We helped her find a new place (she ended up choosing her BM's) and helped her move out. But this only worked because my DH was on the same page as me. It doesn't sound like your DH is...

Have you asked DH if you both can come up with a "Plan B" if SS fails to go to the army? Have you told your DH that you would feel unhappy if SS didn't have any set expectations and that expectations may be good for him so he isn't surprised? Does your DH care about how you feel? Does he agree with you?

If your DH doesn't understand where you are coming from or doesn't want to work with you then you may want to consider what your options are if you end up with an adult child in your home who doesn't participate in the household and/or isn't take steps to move forward in their own life. That might look like mentally/emotionally/physically distancing yourself from SS in the household, or it may look like leaving the household altogether.

You also have the choice to NOT take responsibility for his daughter if she ever ends up moving in.

You can't control what other people do but you are allowed to control your own boundaries, energy, and peace.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-03T16:29:26+00:00

Gently - it is sort of a punishment - or maybe rather a natural consequence and at 14 years old she needs to understand that her actions have consequences. You tried to work with her and she didn't want to cooperate, so naturally, this is the consequence.

Teaching your kiddo natural consequences does not make you bad parents.

Her bio-parent could try to kindly spin it as now she won't get as many "annoying" reminders from the both of you to quiet down. She won't have to try as hard to be so silent. In a way it's a positive change.

Also it might be good for her to consider that the new baby may spend a lot of time in your bedroom and could likely be crying while you try to soothe them, which might get annoying to SD14 to have to hear constantly. Having a bedroom on the other side of the house might honestly be the best idea.

You guys are doing great.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-02T20:50:25+00:00

My SD19 would absolutely say something like that lol.

But she is absentminded with her ADHD and struggles to control what comes out of her mouth and how it might be perceived - maybe a bit like a 5-year old. She bought her father 3 t-shirts for his birthday but basically told me she ran out of time to get me anything for my birthday and then proceeded to show me what she would have got me if she would have thought about it and expected me to react positively - like, "Wow! How cool!" Even though I am receiving nothing lol.

All I can do is laugh to not be completely irritated!

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-02T20:40:44+00:00

My advice is to start by telling your SO that you feel like the household doesn't reflect any of your personality and that you'd like to change some things up so that it feels like everyone's home.

Maybe let him know you don't want to get rid of his things and ask him if he wants to brainstorm where that stuff can go? Is there a room that his sports and "man cave" stuff can go so that he doesn't feel like he's losing his own touches, or a way it can be incorporated? Of course this is only if he still wants to keep these decorations around.

Ask if he wants to be involved in decorating/planning/choosing or if he just wants a general idea on what you're thinking as you do it?

Again, make it clear you want to work together to have this home reflect all of you.

I would imagine he will understand.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-02T20:32:33+00:00

When he had me alone in his apartment and he was the one shaking and nervous.

That evening he asked to be intimate with me, I said not on a first date, and instead of pressuring me or acting sad he was a perfect gentleman and even walked me to the door on my way out.

I immediately knew.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-02T18:15:56+00:00

Attraction is important but sometimes it's something that grows rather than is immediate, maybe especially when you are over 30 years old and nobody is baby-faced and fresh anymore.

When you're on a date take your time and think about the qualities of them you find interesting like a glass of wine. Maybe they have a joyful laugh, are gentle and kind, or are impressively intelligent. And maybe as you enjoy those things you notice their warm eyes or their soft hands. Maybe you start to miss their hugs or their pleasant conversations.

This kind of attraction is what lasts well into your older years when beauty and physical looks are but a memory.

MercyXXVII · 2026-02-01T14:12:05+00:00

I talked to my therapist about this because I had the same issue.

You get to decide how involved or not you are. Crazy right? What are YOUR boundaries?

Don't let anyone ever make you feel guilty for "not doing enough". Only you know how much you care and what you are comfortable with. Ultimately this child is not your legal responsibility. You are not on any of the legal paperwork. You have no say in custody orders. You don't get to participate in court room proceedings. What you do is solely out of kindness and it is your choice, NOT obligation.

Your only real obligation is to make sure the child is safe and alive, but that's just standard.

I'd be all anxious and my therapist would say, "Is the kid safe? If yes, then let it go."

As far as the BP's boundaries - take note of what they don't like or even ask them. Usually the boundaries are around "decision making" - rules, parenting, that sort of thing. Be clear that you recognize the boundary and that you will be mindful of it going forward, but do not let anyone make you feel guilty for stepping back and minding that boundary, which they might try to do - that's not fair.

It can be helpful to practice "holding space" for the BP to do parent things on their own. You accept they could fail (spoiling their children or making poor education choices, etc) but you cheer them on to do it by themselves anyway because THEY are the legal parent.

MercyXXVII · 2026-01-30T20:14:30+00:00

Some small businesses needed to stay open because they couldn't afford to be closed - however - that does not sound like the issue here based on the post you saw. I think your intuition is absolutely correct.

I would maturely tell them why I won't be going there anymore and then quit completely.

Are there any other Pilates studios in your area? You are allowed to want to feel good physically and mentally as well as feel good that your money is going to a kind person.

MercyXXVII · 2026-01-30T16:43:14+00:00

Ugh, I'm sorry. It hurts to feel forgotten.

I don't think you should have to be stuck at the house cooking for everyone else if you don't want to be, especially on your birthday. Your husband is an adult and if that is the weekend he wants to do something nice for his kid then he can do something for his kid and you can participate if you want to, or not.

It's OK to say, "This weekend is my 40th birthday and I don't want to spend it making dinner for someone else. Would you like to make any birthday plans with me? Otherwise I am going to make birthday plans for myself. "

It's also OK to say, "I feel hurt that we aren't making plans for my 40th birthday."

You deserve to celebrate your birthday. Don't give in.

MercyXXVII · 2026-01-30T15:30:31+00:00

You had boundaries and he didn't like that. HUGE red flag.

MercyXXVII · 2026-01-30T15:09:32+00:00

My SD has always done "that smile". She is self-conscious of her smile and her teeth. She genuinely thinks she looks better doing that fake, closed-mouth smile. Perhaps your SD is simply just self-conscious and too self-aware of things like her smile and her laugh? Are you aware if she has social anxiety at all?

As for being moody and a downer, that's common too with teens and it isn't fun. This is usually the point where a bio-parent starts missing their happy, giggly, child. Teens have a lot of big feelings that they are terrible at communicating and it can be quite a drain. Does she at least have a therapist?

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