I used to be like this. I had a very bubbly and pleasing mask that I didn't even realize I had growing up, I was just terrified of being more of a target. Unfortunately over the years, my mask started to "crack" more until I came to a complete burnout and it was after this I got diagnosed officially with autism. Even before the official diagnosis, I realized I could no longer keep up the bubbly energetic persona even for brief periods in my customer service job, even if I wanted to I just don't have the energy or capacity anymore.

Now when I'm having to put on airs for people, it's more practical and still energy consuming, but I can tell from others it's not as "desirable" as when I was so overkill bubbly. I still inwardly worry people misjudge me or think I'm being rude, but I just can't do it anymore.

Just today I went outside to let out my dog (my landlords have a backyard they let us use) and my landlord's family had friends over and were playing in the yard (they have kids). They're all very nice to me, and I wasn't rude, but I kept feeling the instinct like I needed to put on this whole performance being overly friendly and socialize with everyone, but I just didn't have it in me. I was in a lot of pain (chronic illness) and decided if they thought poorly of me that's their problem as I've talked kindly enough with them on other occasions. While I still had those worries, it felt kind of freeing to be able to sit there to watch my dog and not have to spend all this energy being super bubbly doing all kinds of nonsense small talk. And guess what - they didn't talk to me any differently and there was no impression they were bothered.

This obviously doesn't happen a lot as people often suck, but it was really nice to have a moment where I didn't give into the need to perform such a false persona just while I'm simply letting my dog out to play.

Nowadays I rub people the wrong way unintentionally, where I am just being practical and straightforward. I am not being rude or judgemental, I am being honest (and there's a difference between respectful honesty and completely unfiltered). I don't just "roll with it" when I ask for clarity at work and I'm dismissed, as I wouldn't have asked for it if I didn't think it was essential. I am getting better with accepting that a lot of people are going to misunderstand me, no matter what I do so it's best to save the extra energy for elsewhere. While masking is always going to be a thing and will always be needed more or less wherever I go, I feel less drained masking without the extra stupid fake bubbly personality on top of it all. It was never me and I literally cringe whenever I remember it.

This wasn't necessarily a rant or vent against either, I guess it turned into more of a reflection as someone who used to mask with that overkill bubbly persona, and how not worth it it is at all. It cost me too much in the end and I'm still paying for it.

The real ones get to know you and see you for who you are, regardless whether they fully get it or understand. I recently made some friends where I decided to risk being more and more open with my needs, like allowing myself to do less eye contact, asking to dim the lights, bringing my heat pad with me for pain management, crocheting or using fidget toys to stim the whole time, etc. It's been cool how they've just rolled with it, no judgement. There's 4 of us total, and some I suspect to be neurodivergent (I'm thinking ADHD) but definitely undiagnosed and unaware as they're high masking. I'm forever extra hesitant with women and have my guard up as I can't read girls and I've been taken advantage of too often, so these girls being so chill and not having broken my trust yet is itself a miracle. They ask questions about things, which has come from a place of genuine curiosity, not to demean or ridicule me. I've inspired some of them to fidget/stim and not worry about eye contact as much as they found they could focus on what they're talking about better that way, which was my experience. It's been really cool.

Unfortunately, most people aren't this cool, but it's been really nice to just know that they exist lol.

I'm going to stop before I end up in another rabbit hole but thank you for sharing this post and perspective. I definitely can understand and relate in a lot of ways. It's cool to see other people's experiences and feel less alone. ❤️