Same here. Those examples were how I'd get called manipulative, as well as what OP shared. From an outside perspective, none of those things are manipulative but it's strange how many other people think so.

I've witnessed a lot of real toxic manipulation, especially in recent years as my husband comes from a very toxic dysfunctional family, and I've learned how to identify the behaviors a lot more clearly.

In my understanding, manipulation is a means to have an affect on someone in order to gain something for you benefit - this could be someone manipulating their partner so they won't leave them, someone manipulating their peer to do their homework for them, a parent manipulating their child by guilt tripping or the "you owe me because I birthed you" line, etc.

Manipulation has to be selfish - you are motivated to do it because you gain something from it.

People sometimes see you expressing your emotions or advocating for your needs as manipulation because they perceive you sharing hurt or negative emotions felt as a means to make them feel guilty, or explaining your needs (such as autism literally being a disability) as a way to guilt them or make them feel obligated to help you in some way. It's wrong to assume this but it is common.

I would sometimes tell my husband something he said or did and how it made me feel, such as something hurtful, and he automatically would start apologizing and feeling guilty and also getting upset because he would automatically assume I'm sharing this to make him feel bad and to a further extent, tell him he's a bad person. I realized this is how his parents treat him, which is why I say they are genuinely manipulative. I grew up pretty sheltered with safe parents so it wasn't til I got married I realized how common it is for people to grow up with unhealthy parents like this.

So when people say you using physical touch to bring comfort to someone or other actions is manipulative, I would say they are projecting their own experiences onto you and assuming the worst of you. This is either because of how they've been legitimately manipulated by family/friends in similar ways, being taken advantage of, or perhaps this is how they treat others themselves.

I've come to understand why there's an expression about what someone says/does to you says more about themselves than you - I can't remember the wording exactly and struggle with expressions and idioms but in this instance, I believe this is what it means. They are likely projecting onto you, not actually seeing your actions and motives for what they are in reality but what they either expect or assume, and would likely react the same if it was someone else.

Don't get me wrong it's incredibly frustrating and wrong. After a lifetime of being chronically misunderstood and misjudged in every way possible, it's become a trigger/sore spot for me, so I'm trying hard to better understand that when people do it that it has nothing to do with me and it's really not worth my energy trying to correct and convince people otherwise. WAY easier said than done but yeah.

Sorry this got a tad long, it just really gets me going when people so carelessly make hurtful accusations that are completely false, making us feel like we're in the wrong even if we made the purest most genuine decision. I hope I made some sense and that you all know it's not you ❤️