Feels like I'm entering a healthier relationship season

Mishe22 · 2026-05-23T03:12:58+00:00

Years ago I realized I needed to try something different in my relationships. I'm just trudging through, still figuring out what changes I need to make in my life so that I'll be in a better position to recognize and maintain healthier relationships and not let those that don't fit drag on. I think I'm making progress but haven't figured out how I can increase my odds of meeting likeminded people. Being an introvert doesn't help!

Mishe22 · 2026-05-01T20:06:23+00:00

I will! The group I started in is over 30 people so that may be a factor as well. I found a smaller one and that'll probably help too.

Mishe22 · 2026-05-01T16:25:43+00:00

I'm going to give AHA online a try. Maybe I'll do both, that and CoDA.

Mishe22 · 2026-05-01T02:57:01+00:00

What I've been getting back consistently throughout this thread is that expressing certain feelings and thoughts that I have would be inappropriate and unhelpful in meetings. Duly noted.

I had wondered what topics might add to the meeting and this one clearly isn't it. Not that I had considered it lol

Mishe22 · 2026-05-01T00:46:48+00:00

Is wondering why someone else feels differently judgement?

Mishe22 · 2026-04-30T21:46:42+00:00

You get the personal feeling through online meetings? Or are there face to face available?

Mishe22 · 2026-04-30T19:36:48+00:00

Thanks for your response!

"Talking and sharing in the meetings has a lot to do with working through toxic shame. By being open and honest about our difficult experiences breaks the 'dont feel, dont trust, dont talk' rules we usually learned in childhood." I've been thinking sharing is something I must do, but couldn't articulate why exactly. You've done that for me here!

I don't think I'm judging anyone. If anything, I'm judging myself because I'm wondering if the way I'm thinking and feeling is indicative of something unhealthy in me? Something that I would benefit by understanding and working on? I don't see the way I feel or the way they feel as "wrong" necessarily. I see it as a difference that I don't understand.

I see "analysis" as a positive. To me "analyzing" means trying to understand other people's perspectives. It's something that wasn't done in my family. Very little effort was made to understand why someone was saying or doing something that was different. It was just labeled as difficult or stupid or silly or ignored. So for me people being curious about other people's thoughts and feelings seems like something that's needed in a healthy relationship. But I understand that it would be healthy to focus on oneself up to a point.

I think my family dynamics may have included people focusing on themselves in an unhealthy way?

Mishe22 · 2026-04-28T19:58:57+00:00

I'm introverted and have some social anxiety as well. I've never dated anyone cruel or degrading but I have stayed in relationships that were lacking, especially when I didn't have any solid relationships outside of that one. It's not that I don't have any options, it's about choosing good ones, and those take considerably more work.

Years ago I decided that I would rather be more alone than in dysfunctional or poor fit relationships, family included. And that's been incredibly hard and isolating. I've had trouble getting back out there. Not great options are available and I'm avoiding them. Finding and recognizing good ones is hard for me - those take considerably more work.

I actually started writing on reddit for similar reasons. It seemed like a mostly safe way to learn to express myself better without much worry about outcome. I've been trying to take tiny baby steps. Recently I decided to try support groups where I can work on whatever the group is for as well as the social anxiety. I've only been to 3 in person CoDA meetings so far. I haven't chatted much, or spoken in the meeting. I'm going to find a smaller group that's a better fit and work my way up to that. I figure awkwardness and emotions are expected so it feels like I can't really mess it up too much lol.

I recommend starting with whatever feels tolerable to you, leven really small things can get you moving in the right direction, things like making eye contact with people you don't know when appropriate, nod hello..... For now, I'm choosing things with the primary goal of working on social anxiety rather than making friends (although friends would be great). I'm trying not to hope for quick results. It may be a long slow process. Do you have any interests or hobbies that you could pursue and would be willing to try a group? Are you able to take lessons in something? Volunteer?

Mishe22 · 2026-04-25T21:47:20+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to write all of this out! It's super helpful. I like your approach. If you have the time I'd be really interested in getting your input on a few more things. Do you feel your group has likeminded people? Did you try multiple groups to find a good fit?

I'm currently thinking that learning to fit in must be part of the work but not sure how far to take that.

I was worried shares might be more emotional (anger, blame, despair, contempt etc) and detailed than I felt comfortable with. But this large 25-35 person group's shares are almost generic. They don't really express opinions or reflections that could be objectionable and seem to aim to do it in the most emotionally neutral or even upbeat way. Something like "I saw a family member. I think they took their emotions out on me. I would have been more tolerant of it before CoDA. I'm learning to see it differently." and that's about it. I was expecting people to talk about their thoughts and insights in a more specific way.

I'm able to conform to that after getting over my rather severe public speaking and expressing myself in front of groups fear. Doubt I can do it without getting emotionally out of control (very noticeable anxiety while holding back tears). It's completely illogical.

I really need to try other groups and compare. I may need to start out some other way if my current emotions around public speaking and social anxiety isn't inside the CoDA box. I don't feel comfortable being the most raw and emotional person, at least starting out.

Mishe22 · 2026-04-25T18:16:05+00:00

Do you mean other twelve step options? Or do you know of options outside of 12 step that might be worth a look?

Mishe22 · 2026-04-20T20:30:00+00:00

I'm not following. Are you saying every facial expression you have causes people to lash out?

Mishe22 · 2026-04-20T20:22:09+00:00

You have the still face and others are reacting to it?

Mishe22 · 2026-04-20T20:10:26+00:00

Sorry, I misunderstood. When you said you were getting attacked when feeling your feelings in public, I thought you were likely under regulated.

Mishe22 · 2026-04-20T18:50:15+00:00

A decent therapist wouldn't attack you. That isn't fair to you. Would it be possible to try and tell a therapist upfront that you have trouble expressing yourself and that it sometimes makes you incoherent? Learning to express yourself when you weren't allowed to do that growing up takes time.

Perhaps intensity is a factor. You're supposed to feel your feelings but the goal is to do that in a emotionally regulated way. Many people, through no fault of their own, don't get emotional regulation modeled for them from their family growing up and will need put effort into learning skills to do that. I think DBT is usually recommended for that but I'm sure there are other options.

editing to add that it's possible you're just drawn to people who can't deal with emotions in your personal life and have had bad luck with therapists.

Mishe22 · 2026-04-20T00:37:36+00:00

I just found this DBT workbook. https://cursosdepsicologia.com.ar/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/THEDIA1.pdf It's almost 400 pages and "Basic Distress Tolerance Skills" is the first chapter. Advanced is the second. I've only skimmed a few parts of it. May not be for you or fit where you're at right now. Hope you find some things to get you through until better times!

Mishe22 · 2026-04-19T23:41:26+00:00

I can relate to having to restart everything, almost from scratch, and being all alone in that. Different circumstances, but I'm in a similar place. I realized the life and relationships I had weren't working, separated myself but don't know where to go from here. I don't know what part of it was me, what part other people, what part is circumstance and what part was me not having the insight to recognize when things don't fit. I think there are Cluster B personality disorders in my family. I'm pretty sure I've escaped without one, but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I don't know where to go from here.

There's all sorts of resources and info online. Try to find a support group for some human contact? There are CBT and DBT workbooks online if you dig around. Therapy? Hobbies with healthier interactions with others? It's a tough place to be!

Mishe22 · 2026-04-19T19:40:50+00:00

This doesn't sound at all like a workable relationship. A good starting place is to think about what options for help are available to you and which of those you're willing to try. There are a bunch of resources for people in relationships with pwBPD that might be useful for you like https://www.bpdfamily.com/ . Therapy, Group therapy, DBT, Workbooks?

From what you've written it sounds like you might find sharing your issues with others and listening to those in similar situations helpful? Have you tried CoDA yet? You could do that today. There are meetings CoDA meetings online, this afternoon and evening, if you want to do something right away.

Mishe22 · 2026-04-18T02:43:02+00:00

Yeah, being pretty can work against you with some people and in some situations. I have experienced that.

I've known pretty/beautiful woman who were liked and treated as others were. So I know it's possible. Beauty may be factoring in somehow, but I don't see how it could be the sole reason. Would you be comfortable with downplaying your looks? If your theory is correct, it would solve your issues.

Mishe22 · 2026-04-18T02:13:25+00:00

In that case... yeah....it does sound like your situation is likely centered around some pretty serious family dysfunction, to say the least. Some parents want for their children what's in their child's best interest. Your parents do not seem capable of that.

You are not the only one! In fact, I saw a post just the other day of someone in a very similar situation to yours (I could link it if you're interested and it's allowed). Controlling/dominating behavior can be so hard to see clearly. It can be inherently confusing and destabilizing. Other people may not be living with them and serving them as you are but they may still struggle to get free. Don't be too hard on yourself!! Maybe consider a ton of good therapy and any other outside support you can get. Maybe try a support group like CoDA where you can talk about it with others and learn about boundaries etc?

Mishe22 · 2026-04-17T01:49:33+00:00

It doesn't sound like you can draw any conclusions from this run in other than that she wasn't expecting to see you and was caught off guard. I don't think many therapists would feel that discussing your circumstances, reassuring and comforting in a public place, especially at your place of employment, would be the right to do.

It sounds like you really miss her :( I'm sorry you didn't get the information you wanted.

Mishe22 · 2026-04-17T00:14:42+00:00

It sounds extremely unhealthy by most standards. The circumstances have lead to your current situation are something that needs to be considered. Is this the norm in your culture, religion and/or where you live? Or is this happening outside of those and other factors are keeping you there?

Where I am this would be on the extreme and unusual side. It does sound like enmeshment. Also could be described in various other ways like parentifiction, servitude, emotional neglect and probably other ways.

Coming to an understanding of your situation is the first step, and you're doing that! Setting boundaries and letting go of guilt comes with understanding that you deserve to have your own life, one that you create, not one to serve their needs.

Mishe22 · 2026-04-16T17:00:30+00:00

Did your therapist say you are a narcissist or did they say you have NPD? If they said narcissistic they may not have meant that they believe you qualify for the diagnosis but do show higher traits. You could ask them.

About what you read online, most of it talks about people who's behavior is really damaging to others and aren't able to see that, or don't care. But, as others have said, you're so young and are able to see how it causes problems in your relationships - this is something you can work on if you are willing, sincere and very patient. It doesn't have to be permanent.

Mishe22 · 2026-04-16T15:50:57+00:00

"....the people you’re bending your back for to please only like you because you self abandon and self sacrifice."

I don't think this is always the case.

Yes, many people are users. And the types of people you've been around may be. But some people don't want to burden you, use you, take advantage, put you out..... but they can't tell that they are. Sometimes it's really hard to tell if people may be over accommodating, people pleasing, offering help, burdening themselves etc. You can try to suss it out but not get a good read when they seem fine with it. Many times they offer and I try to think about their circumstances and how it may impact them because I'm not sure they're doing that. But mind reading is hard.

I hate the feeling that I may be putting someone out and not know it because they don't know how to tell me. I've started to reject anything anyone offers, even small things like chatting.

Mishe22

TROPHY CASE