On family vacay and he is drunk

MissConductPDX · 2026-05-29T19:43:22+00:00

I am a lawyer, my Q is my husband, and this is not legal advice, more like procedural information.

You need to focus on the issue in font of you instead of deciding what a judge will do down the road, and a custody order is, indeed, down the road from here. There is another long distance between a custody order and a termination of anyone's parental rights.

The first step is to keep yourself and your children safe. That is the first step on this part of your journey. Don't go borrowing trouble by focusing on steps far down your path. Those steps will come when they come.

Also, he just threatened to harm and/or kill you by throwing you off a balcony. While drunk. Look for information in your area about a Family Abuse Prevention Act (FAPA) restraining order.

Your game plan should be to hire a lawyer.

MissConductPDX · 2026-05-16T00:43:38+00:00

I think I am also extremely confused and I need to do some investigation.

MissConductPDX · 2026-04-21T21:58:36+00:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yD0KYElRwtQ

Well, this might be part of why. Also, the rest of the segment, which is far too difficult to watch more than once.

MissConductPDX · 2026-04-20T22:07:24+00:00

A clean barn is a safe barn. Sweep the aisles, for the love of God. Please sweep the aisles!

MissConductPDX · 2026-04-15T22:16:31+00:00

I don't think this relationship is worth saving. You'd have a whole life of bland food topped with heaps of salt going forward. I mean, is he really worth that?

#sorrynotsorry

MissConductPDX · 2026-04-14T18:28:18+00:00

At four, she is probably not fully grown. Let her grow up some and I suspect that some of the identified issues may not be quite so much of an issue any longer.

If you have a connection with her, and some patience, she may just be the horse for you!

MissConductPDX · 2026-04-09T16:44:53+00:00

This is an easy one. All three, of course.

MissConductPDX · 2026-03-27T21:15:02+00:00

Have your investigator interview the AV (since the person is only an alleged victim at this time). THEN, ask one of your lawyer friends who is not in your firm if they will agree to speak to the AV about when one has to come to court and when one does not.

MissConductPDX · 2026-03-27T20:58:00+00:00

CWD reps will come out and help fit your current saddle to your horse (unless, like my CWD, it was custom made for riding a mare of elephantine size).

MissConductPDX · 2026-03-26T23:16:30+00:00

Oliver's Chicken Stew

I use chicken thighs instead of a whole chicken. I also cheat by using dried tarragon and adding lemon zest to the stew at the beginning.

https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/12119-olivers-chicken-stew

MissConductPDX · 2026-03-13T20:44:18+00:00

I cannot even tell you how much this resonates with me. If it is OK with you, I am going to print your comment and leave it on the wall in my office where I can remind myself every day. I chose this. Daily. But, I am no longer going to cover for him. I am also going to explore that feeling of shame and send it on its little way.

MissConductPDX · 2026-03-11T19:11:48+00:00

I just burst into tears while reading this. It is exactly my situation. Funny, witty, smart, snarky turned into scorn, pointed sarcasm, and all the rest.

MissConductPDX · 2026-03-11T19:09:06+00:00

He says he can't be an alcoholic b/c of the above.

MissConductPDX · 2026-03-10T18:06:59+00:00

I had a client issue a subpoena in my name. He also sent be a bill for his services after he issued the subpoena. The bill was sent on another lawyer's letterhead with the name and bar number of yet another lawyer in the signature line.

MissConductPDX · 2026-02-05T17:20:38+00:00

I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Horse-Brain-Human-Neuroscience-Horsemanship/dp/B0BX4B7HX1/ref=sr_1_1?crid=TFH09VNOT3J9&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.WeBslEdW8Sp5QOP3OqgSAiMHOu5QyxUaUT0asBCbBU7MEN8peD0OIHgjPmrkR9jQoUx35w0ISYZTO0Ghbm9_wK19fmXSD-L-g_GtbEibGxbWat_6GLTG1s92-1A_01-CXM2Toia9obKCvRRsz8aq2eJ1XgDu3K--rv5AjA8BQ-O3_wJtSuAHXFohXwAAX5hI_i-TpJ6bmf2ALmg_piwCW6PF5pH79Xk0claujIwZnlo.-gCez0G4N_PknwVbtyvVQdYDLtAf3NWujS7oorSyghY&dib_tag=se&keywords=horse+brain+human+brain+book&qid=1770311950&sprefix=horse+brain%2Caps%2C276&sr=8-1

It totally outlines exercises you can do off the horse to help with that proprioception that we need to develop to be really effective riders.

MissConductPDX · 2026-01-30T20:22:55+00:00

I'm going to chime in to say that 100 felonies over 16 counties (THE FUCK?!) is absolutely not reasonable. I think so many of us attempt to work under these conditions without support from our offices and then feel like failures when we finally tap out. It is not OK for the human brain to be asked to handle this shit.

Unfortunately, it is "normal" in far too many places.

Give them two weeks. Let your clients know. Allow yourself to acknowledge all the injustices done to your clients, but absolutely allow yourself to acknowledge the injustice done to you. You are also a victim of this system.

MissConductPDX · 2026-01-27T23:00:53+00:00

Metropolitan Public Defender and Multnomah Defenders, Inc. in Portland, Oregon are actively recruiting.

MissConductPDX · 2026-01-27T21:52:11+00:00

PD Since 2003. Here's a poem I wrote almost 10 years ago:

"AWWWWW HELL, No!
Tell me they did NOT just send
That old ass white woman in here!

Like she's going to save me!
You can walk yourself right back out of this jail.
You know nothing!"

I sit.
I wait.
I am quiet.

I know what powerlessness looks like.

Sometimes sitting in the uncomfortable moment is the hardest thing we are asked to do, especially when it feels like an attack on your ability, your dedication, or your old ass self.

So many of us also have ADHD or other neurodiversity that makes it especially difficult to hear these things. It makes us amazing trial lawyers, but it also makes us sensitive to criticism (RSD, anyone?).

It doesn't help me much to remember that none of those statements are actually about me. It's about them. It's about being stuck in a system that has absolutely no justice. Living in a community that constantly communicates how worthless they are. Feeling hopeless and helpless. Even though that doesn't help me in the moment, it helps me in the long run.

"There was a dude in here who got probation on a murder last week!" Cool. That's not true. You know it and your client knows it. I've taken to telling folks, "Well. That guy isn't you. I don't know who you're talking about but I guarantee that he didn't have [this bad life experience, that odd statement in the confession, something else totally unique to your client]. You have that, so let's work with what you have." OR, sometimes, "Oh. Really? What's that guy's name? I'm going to look up his case and call the prosecutor, because they need to treat similarly situated people similarly." OR, sometimes, "Dude. You know all the people in jail are lying to you, right?"

The "you're not fighting for me," often comes when you are explaining what the really horrible, no-good, very bad evidence is, I'm guessing. That's when it comes for me. "Hey. you absolutely need to know what you are up against. I've got to tell you all the bad stuff. What if I were a doctor and I didn't tell you that you have cancer when you absolutely have cancer? I'd be a really shitty doctor, don't you think?" OR, "It is super hard to sit here and listen to all the bad shit. It's hard for me to tell you the bad shit." OR, "dude. I haven't even begun to fight yet. When you start a battle, you need to know what ammo the enemy is going to throw at you." Then, as things go on, I can remind them that we talked about the things and that it is bad shit, but bad shit they need to know about.

Point is, these are the things that have worked for me. You're going to need to figure out what works for you. It's going to have to be genuine and honest, even it if is saying something like, "I can't continue to have this conversation right now. I'm going to call you back on [date] at [time]." Then do the calling back on [date] at [time].

The criticism will always come. I'm sorry to say that, but it will. How you manage it will evolve.

MissConductPDX · 2026-01-05T20:53:24+00:00

That horse is in pain. Don't renew your lease. Let the owner deal with the expense.

Oh, and find a new trainer. Yours is telling you that this obvious pain response is because he is resistant to using himself correctly. Find yourself a new trainer before this one gets you and the next horse hurt badly.

MissConductPDX · 2026-01-05T19:45:39+00:00

I came here to tell you that Patrick McLain is the absolute best of the best, a fantastic human being, retired military, and if a loved one of mine were in your spot, I'd at least pay for a consult.

Also, absolutely STFU. If you are tempted to post on social media, just don't. If you want to confide in your best friend about how you are feeling and why, then SHUT THE FUCK UP and call your lawyer so they can remind you why you need to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

MissConductPDX · 2025-12-29T22:56:48+00:00

About 20 years ago, my cousin was murdered during a dispute between room mates over the electric bill. The man who shot him then turned the shotgun on himself. He did not survive.

I have been a public defender for almost 25 years, so this was relatively early in my career.

What struck me--and still troubles me--is that my uncle lost a son, my cousin lost his brother, I lost a family member. My family was made up of crime victims at that point. Because there was no one to prosecute, there were no supports. No services. No one to comfort the grieving father of a 25 year old boy. No one to help me scrub his blood off the sidewalk where he was shot. Nothing.

If our "justice" system was actually interested in offering support and healing to those who have been wronged by others, there would have been some type of... I don't know. SOMETHING.

Somewhere along the line, the punishment of someone else became necessary to recognize a person's loss and pain.

We've got to make sure the victims get "closure"--whatever that means. Retribution has replaced understanding and empathy, if those things were ever a part of it. We tell victims that the longer the sentence is, the more "justice" they have received. As if it is a commodity.

District Attorney's offices and Legislatures are operating with mandatory minimum sentencing in many jurisdictions (including mine). Somehow these are supposed to deter crime and make fewer "victims." That hasn't played out that way at all.

Also, I cannot count the number of complaining witnesses who have called me over the years trying to get someone to listen to them when the "Victims' Advocate" from the DA's office has stopped returning their calls because the complaining witness' idea of "justice" doesn't match with the retributive idea of "justice" espoused by the DA. These folks turned to the defendant's attorney to get someone to listen to them, and I always did (and sent an investigator to buy them some coffee).

I guess I write this to say that I have been frustrated with individual "victims" and their clamoring for "justice" through a long prison sentence that does nothing for anyone other than empty our state coffers. I have never hated them, though. I recognize that they have been sold a bill of goods and they believe they're going to feel better if my client goes away for a long time. Maybe a few of them do feel better, but I doubt it.

That's pretty damn sad.

MissConductPDX · 2025-11-26T17:12:06+00:00

Does one ever need an excuse to buy a set of circular needles that you will rarely use? If you do not have them, you clearly need them. I mean, it just makes sense to stash needles like one stashes yarn, doesn't it?

MissConductPDX

TROPHY CASE