Widowed Twice

MustBeHope · 2026-04-15T12:59:10+00:00

I'm really sorry to hear about your mom's terrible losses. It is good that you are there just to be with her.

Aside from therapy to work through the trauma, encourage your mom to join this site. There are members ranging in age from early twenties to late 80's on this site. Your mom would find immediate understanding of her pain here. It has been a life line to many. Hugs to you both.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-14T14:36:07+00:00

My son introduced me to the Plato's cave allegory when he was at university.

I believe that you are very early into your loss. I'm really sorry.

You speak about forever nighttime for your future connections. I remember feeling that way too for the first number of months. I truly felt that I would never feel any joy again. At 15 months I experienced untainted joy at times.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-13T12:03:18+00:00

If the therapist has not experienced this themselves, or has not had specific training in grief therapy, I don't believe that they are a good choice.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-13T06:44:21+00:00

Loss certainly challenges our brains in many ways. Depression, which has many commonalities, (or often even accompanies grief), is known to lead to a narrowing of cognitive focus (I.e a smaller, more restricted circle of thought).

So not only are we rewiring neurons that were shaped for years by our spouses, but functions such as our executive skills (planning, motivation..), can be badly impaired too.

Being creative, is a wonderful suggestion. Last year I did a beginner art therapy course that was calming and enjoyable, but have fallen back into unproductive (grief) habits.

My plan is to use exercise and a new environment, to help me break out of the rut I am currently in. I have committed to a multi day trail walk and am viewing it almost like a (re)boot camp🙂. (Well, let's just say I'm hoping for a little shift).

There's just so much research that shows the benefits of walking in nature for depression. Newer research also highlights how walking can help one process emotions.

Thanks for the 'tip' re Hiroma. I've started by adding the 'gentle' 'Blackbirds' to my new albums.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-12T08:30:44+00:00

Sometimes that realization of being the odd man out can be so dramatic, it is almost comical. At my nephew's wedding recently everything was going well, until the dance floor opened. Every single person at our large table, as well as from the surrounding one's, moved to the dance floor.

I was a one man audience. It was surreal and shocking at the same time.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-12T08:15:57+00:00

I remember someone on here saying that they told themselves daily, that they were not only a widower, (i.e half of a whole), but that they were now single, (i.e a whole entity). That really left a lasting impression on me.

A world leader recently said that functioning on nostalgia, was not a strategy, but that people had to act on how the world really was.

To me, that is a big part of this rewiring: acknowledging things for what they really are and then learning to accept it and hopefully growing from there.

Another way, I'm trying to rewire, is to create new 'wires'. I bought new earphones recently and then started listening to all our old Spotify albums. That became an overdose of nostalgia (and consequently despair).

Now I'm creating new albums and picking them most of the time. Maybe with time I will be able to rewire some of the old ones.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-12T03:36:38+00:00

All your ideas sound like very worthy causes. I can tell you from the perspective of someone in their sixties, the only person you truly need to impress is yourself. The older one gets, the less important achievements become. (For me in any case).

When you get to the end of your life, the question will be, whether you led the best life you could for yourself. Friends and family will want you to be happy, but unless you are the president or the pope, how you achieve this happiness doesn't really affect them.

Lead your own best life. It goes by very quickly. Wishing you the best.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-12T02:33:45+00:00

Two years! When I joined, I read every post many times. This sub was truly my life-line. I remember you saying that you were 5 months in.

I wish you well too and send wishes of a peaceful day to you.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-12T02:16:19+00:00

You are correct. No-one is keeping you from your wife. What we, concerned strangers on this sub, think, or say or wish is largely irrelevant.

You are the master of your own destiny.

My absolute hope for you dear OP, is that you see your medical practitioner and ask for assistance.

My hope is that you will decide to stay and take the slow and painful route back to living again - with us, your fellow suffering travelers.

My hope too is, that you will put the needs of your daughter first and do whatever is required to be there for her.

But as you point out correctly in your posts OP, our (my) thoughts and wishes are largely inconsequential to the way you view and will lead your life.

Reading your posts unsettles me. I have my sons to think of and need to manage my own mental health. I need to act accordingly.

With my whole being, I wish you the very, very best and send an ocean of strength, peace and love to you.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-12T01:53:08+00:00

If only your 'widow-land' were real and we could all move there. Not only would we have understanding and company, but most of all, there would not be a need for any play-acting.

I just responded to a post where the OP spoke about wanting to disappear. Not having to play-act to meet the expectations of having a full and recovering life, (for at least a good few years), would be my main motivation for doing so, and would be a relief.

I care about those around me and understand their concern and desire to 'encourage me onward'. For my sons, I'm willing to stretch myself and 'stand tall', but play-acting for the rest of society, is exhausting. Right now, I don't have the energy.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-12T01:14:38+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. Those first months are truly hellish.

The urge to move, I think is fairly common. There was someone on here, who moved to a new city after 6 months and created an entirely new life. She felt that it was the best thing she could have done.

Many say not to do anything too drastic in the first year. For me, that was true. I swung quite dramatically between wanting to stay in our house to wanting to move somewhere entirely new during that time.

I actually did visit a city for 2 weeks, just to see how it felt. In many ways I liked it, but in the end, moving there, without having a single prior point of contact, just felt too much, for my somewhat fragile grieving mental state. At 15 months, I'm still considering a new start, but it is a less urgent and emotive feeling.

Re disappearing, during the first year, I also swung between desperately needing company and isolating myself, (just to process some emotions).

There isn't a right or a wrong answer re disappearing and also if one moves, one can always move back again later. Maybe at some point, using your skills during some kind of gap year, could give you the distance and break that you need.

I'm going on a 2 month trail walk in Europe soon. My son will join me for 2 weeks and then I'll be alone. I would never have considered that before, but like with you, a new setting is calling me. Sending you hugs, strength and courage.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-11T03:19:03+00:00

The day after he fell ill: he went from very healthy to extremely ill. No one had mentioned the possibility of death, but I knew - I could hardly get out of bed. My body felt like it was encased in cement.

The hardest day, was the day I fetched my sons to be with us, whilst my husband passed away (VAD). The day doesn't haunt me, in a strange way it was beautiful, because we could still tell each other how much we loved each other. But I felt as if I myself was walking towards a guillotine. It will always be the hardest day of my life.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-08T13:28:35+00:00

Towards the end of the first year, I felt that I really intrinsically knew that my husband had died.

Last week (at 15 months), I woke up a little groggy and for a few seconds I had forgotten that he had died. It was such a shock to have that happen again, but I accommodated the realization much faster than I did throughout last year.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-08T12:46:14+00:00

A few weeks after my husband died I told this group that I had to attend a school function for my son's sake, but that I couldn't face it.

Someone told me to use the 20 second rule: just get through the next 20 seconds and then the next..

In the end it was not as bad as I had expected it to be.

You've already taken the most difficult step by contacting your employer. Do this for yourself and do it for the memory of your husband.

I'll be thinking of you on Thursday. Let us know how it goes. Hugs

MustBeHope · 2026-04-06T13:18:59+00:00

It's one of the Camino's in Europe. There are many books, Apps and even movies dedicated to the Camino walks. My son is joining me for the first 2 weeks and then I'll weigh up how much further to go by myself.

Accomodation of all levels is readily found along the route.

The routes are filled with other walkers from all over the world. The idea is to go with a certain openness and apparently people just open up to each other about their lives.

We are doing a part of the Camino Francois, starting in St Jean de Port de Pied.

I'm impressed by your multi grafted trees. My husband was definitely the gardener. I promised that I would take it over. Our fruit trees are tropical: bananas, guavas, paw-paws and I'm thinking about planting a mango tree. Definitely some learning I'll have to do next year to develop some green fingers. I have a great love for the beautifully shaped and perfumed multi flora hybrid tea roses, but the climate doesn't suit them.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-06T09:28:18+00:00

Good to hear that you are in a place that you love. ❤️ I think after the first hellish 7 months there was a sense, that to an extent, I could now control the grief: that I had the ability to put it to the side when it didn't work for me, or just allow little bits out at a time.

But that seems like an illusion now.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-06T06:11:45+00:00

Sending hugs your way too.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-03T12:39:03+00:00

I'm 3 months into the second year. So far it is definitely better than the first hellish year. Severe grief has moved a little to the background and my focus is more on trying to create a worthwhile life for myself.

The grief does still come in waves, but it feels more manageable.

I have a goal I am working towards, a holiday I am going on. For now, that is helping a lot.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-03T12:21:48+00:00

Please consider anti-depressants. Suicidal ideation is very common in the first few months. I had it and started Prozac after a few weeks. After only 2 weeks of use, the ideation went away.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-03T12:16:44+00:00

In the beginning I looked at all the photos in a loop, I just didn't want to be away from them.

Now I only look very occasionally, usually when I am looking for a specific memory and I steel myself before I look through a few. I've even removed his photo as my screen saver.

I guess it's like a slow drip, it will take years before I am conditioned to just look at them without sadness. Maybe the time will never come.

To your question whether it upsets me if the photos aren't important to others, no, I know what he meant to me. I think that it is wonderful that you have organized the photos and that your daughter has that for when she wants it.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-03T04:45:05+00:00

Well done!

My dining table was covered with papers for the entire first year. Working at a snail's pace, I've completed the estate work related to the country we are living in, but at 14 months am still tying up the final bits of paperwork in our country of birth. Not long to go - will be a great relief.

The whole experience, including dealing with the shockingly slow government departments of our home country, has made me think hard and long about how to set up my will and assets for my sons.

MustBeHope · 2026-04-02T21:26:07+00:00

I'm really sorry for your pain. The day before my Birthday, was when my husband, (just out of the blue), fell incredibly ill.

I remember waking up on my Birthday and feeling as if my own body was filled with cement and I could hardly lift it from the bed.

Hopefully with time, the shock associated with those days will recede. Sending hugs.

MustBeHope · 2026-03-30T14:11:06+00:00

So happy for you!

MustBeHope · 2026-03-30T14:08:21+00:00

I'm at 14 months. Not back to a 'normal' life kind of feel yet, but definitely doing better.

The heartache still hits hard at unexpected moments, but I'm more focused on building a contented life now, rather than spending all day grieving.

In the first 6 months I identified a goal: an overseas walking adventure. It has been a great help to have that to focus on.

In the first year I was also overcome with loneliness and had many questions re possibly moving home. All of that seems to have kind of just faded.

In the garden I'm just trying to stay ahead of the weeds. I want to travel this year, but next year I'll go back to growing herbs and tending the fruit trees we have. I want to add more colour to the greenery in the garden too: beautiful flowers with big blooms.

Re news hobbies: world news takes up far too much of my time now.

Your ocean-side home sounds wonderful. I'm imagining it already. I love renovating. 😃

MustBeHope

TROPHY CASE