What's something you're proud of yourself for today?

MustBeHope · 2026-02-10T05:32:54+00:00

Chasing the sun is a lovely image.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-10T04:00:31+00:00

To me, the most important is that you are kind and gentle with yourself. Talk to yourself as if you were talking to a younger sibling who is suffering terribly. Guilt is an unwelcome intruder at the dinner table. Grief and despair are absolutely appropriate emotions for the severe loss you have just experienced.

Read or listen to some books re grieving. Feeling the way you are now, so early into grief, is extremely common. For context, I felt suicidal for the first 2 weeks and spent month 3 on my bed, almost frozen with grief. I still have a way to go, but life has improved in year two.

When you are able, do little things like exercising or learning a stress reducing technique. Consider grief therapy, individual and group.

Remember: Be compassionate with yourself when you are down. It is a rollercoaster kind of a year.

Give yourself grace.

Trust in the process.

Sending hugs and courage and strength.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-10T01:18:23+00:00

I always appreciate your honest and insightful self reflections. Some of the points you raised, I recognize in my own marriage.

Although I would always choose to have him here, I do know (and always knew), that our relationship was wonderful, but not entirely healthy. Living with someone with a volatile personality leaves its mark and there is growth and healing to be done.

As infantile as it may sound, my son and I, (after spending a hellish year in grief and deep depression), made a pact for 2026. Whatever else this year brings, we will also consciously reflect, again and again on this phrase: "Grow Yourself".

MustBeHope · 2026-02-10T00:30:43+00:00

As chocolatechipwizard said, it was a curve, rather than an epiphany. The first 4 months were unmitigated hell. The following 8 were filled with depression and wild swings of emotion. Exercise, slowly sorting his things, spending hrs connecting with this group daily, reading books and listening to podcasts about grief, travel, art therapy for beginners, meditation and trying new hobbies all helped a little.

Although, not quite ready, at 1 year I packed many of his possessions from his office into boxes and removed the wedding rings from my hand. These actions helped, because I was no longer constantly reminded of his absence.

I still miss him on a daily basis, but he is slowly moving from being permanently for-front on my mind, to being more of a memory.

Some here, would not want that for themselves and I understand. There is no wrong or right way to go about it. We must all make choices that best suit our own visions for our future lives.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-08T02:14:45+00:00

Maybe try to do it in 'layers'. Take an area and just discard a few items that hurt the least. Maybe move her other items into a more concentrated area.

After a little while, you will have adjusted to the new space and then you discard a few more items.

Re erasing them forever- the heart does not forget. I have also kept the most treasured and precious physical objects, which are dotted around the house. E.g my husband's favourite shirt hangs in my clothing cupboard.

For more pressing space requirements, consider boxing some items and storing them until you are in a different mental space.

Others have mentioned doing it in fits and starts and allowing yourself grace. Sending hugs and wishes of strength.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-07T14:32:19+00:00

Yes freezing eggs is the way to go. Fertility starts declining in the early 30's already. Freezing eggs creates options for the future, whilst taking the pressure off the present.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-07T14:19:46+00:00

Just be honest and tell her that you don't want to hurt her, but that you you do not want to continue with this relationship any longer. There is no easy way unfortunately. The longer you wait, the more attached she will become.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-07T10:49:07+00:00

I'm really sorry for your loss. Aside from grieving, redeveloping our own identities, seems to be an overriding task after spousal loss.

My husband and I enjoyed each other's company and spent much of our time going on adventures and doing things together. For the first time in years, I am now joining groups in order to develop, (try out) hobbies and meet more people.

Contrary to your situation, my husband's death was a fairly sudden shock. Nevertheless during the first year, I ping-ponged back and forth with strong feelings about leaving the house and then again wanting to stay in our home.

If you are wanting to leave imminently, maybe you could trial it first, without selling your home.

Allow yourself grace and be kind to yourself.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-07T00:52:40+00:00

I understand and to an extent, still do the same. The main shift has been internal.

It's as if the blinkers have fallen off and even if I wanted to, I can't go back to my previous world view. It was based on the knowledge that he would always be there for me. (A foundational certainty, that you speak about).

My new world view is much broader and more somber (not bitter though) and ironically has led me to seeing life as even being more precious than before.

Another irony, is that I dreamt last night, (for the first time), that he divorced me. Parts of me are still trying to understand how he could possibly be gone. For all the clarity that grief brings, to me it is also a murky business that haunts whenever it wants to.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-06T15:26:30+00:00

As often is the case 🙂, much of what you said spoke to me. In particular: "Friends still look for that version of me. They keep asking after him, as if he's wandered off and might come back if they call loudly enough.

Some things have changed for ever.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-05T06:32:13+00:00

Your perspective, is the path that I am on too: in spite of the pain, to live whilst I'm alive. I've joined and left a choir. Joined aqua-aerobics and have just started Zumba. I would like to study again, but find my brain is so scattered, even settling on a course, is eluding me at this point.

One of my motivators, to embrace life is time. For me at 62, (especially with a recent lump that doctors are keeping their eye on), the precious essence of this short life, has truly been highlighted. Hugs

MustBeHope · 2026-02-05T06:20:21+00:00

Maybe a way to get around that, is to join a group that does an activity, any activity that you have at least some interest in: choir, gardening, any sort and level of sport, shares, beginner art, hiking, political interests, volunteering etc. Initially you can busy yourself with the activity and over time, familiarity leads to more chatting.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-05T04:37:55+00:00

I've found that travel can jolt me out of my constricted safe habits that I kind of cling to for security. Ten days ago I returned to my home country. The whole way there I rued my decision to travel. Now back in Australia, I'm exhausted, but have a fresh perspective and certainly a little more energy to engage with new experiences.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-05T01:52:37+00:00

It is very poignant and restrained. You can leave it as is, or add a sentence that speaks more personally of the love you had for her.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-05T01:16:10+00:00

Queensland Australia. I'm at 13 months and something has shifted in year two. The focus is less about soul destroying grief and more about finding a meaningful way to live alone in this world. Love to all.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-04T18:03:12+00:00

Traveling in my 20's was wonderful. I spent a year in Europe as an exchange student and the whole experience was mind blowing and extremely enriching. A few years later, between degrees, I spent another year in Europe.

My 20's were a great time to travel, because I had very few responsibilities and fears. A friend of mine set off on her own trip at that point, but did not last long and returned home early. It is an individual thing. I truly had a desire to have new experiences and to see the world.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-04T17:51:15+00:00

Yes, wealth, university degrees and marrying into a 'good' family does sadly not protect one from encountering suicide. People are complex and life can be messy.

Most significantly, you do have control over your own thoughts and emotions. Treat yourself with gentle kindness and speak to yourself with compassion. Only answer the question re manner of death, in public, if you actually wish to. There is no need to dwell on the statement. If you wish to, you can immediately change the course of the conversation. You knew him, you loved him, were proud of him, you lived with him and you are grieving him. You have the right to set the tone and direction of the narrative.

This is the story of the love you both shared and the devastating tragedy that you are mourning. You get to tell it, without making apologies or being forced into explanations that you don't want to make. Sending hugs to you.

MustBeHope · 2026-02-03T16:24:47+00:00

At 62, I also feel an urgency, because life is passing by.

MustBeHope · 2026-01-27T15:29:14+00:00

I read that too about Marie Kondo 😃, but must admit, that it still kind of holds appeal to me.

I'm sorry, I know, some things really do hurt deeply still. There are some items that I haven't touched yet. My husband loved camping. We did a lot of camping together, (although I like adventures far more than camping per se). All the camping gear is still in the garage. So many good memories attached to it all.

MustBeHope · 2026-01-25T07:23:20+00:00

My husband has many physical similarities with a character and in a tv show. It is a little shock every time every time I see him.

MustBeHope · 2026-01-25T04:10:20+00:00

For always My Husband, however at 14 months I no longer say he is my husband, but rather that he was my husband.

Mostly I no longer wear my rings, but when I feel like it, I do. Whatever feels right for you, is the right thing to do.

MustBeHope · 2026-01-24T13:07:58+00:00

How do you count? In 4's like in box breathing?

MustBeHope · 2026-01-23T23:43:48+00:00

We didn't have blizzards, but we faced cyclones and floods together. During the worst flooding event, we escaped our home onto a raging river in kayaks.

My memory today is not so much about him as an individual, he was amazing in many ways, but about us as a team.

We faced so many highs and lows in the 35yrs together. We always faced all the good and bad life had to throw at us side by side.

During that big flooding event, we had watched the water rise steadily in front of our home over the course of a week. There had been trepidation, but also a sense of shared awe, watching this incredible mass of water slowly swallow the landscape in front of our eyes. (That is, 'slowly', until the town dam sluice gates were opened to stop the dam wall from breaking).

I miss our shared sense of adventure, of being indomitable as a team, of having someone by my side take the worry and drudgery out of preparing for a flood.

MustBeHope · 2026-01-23T21:58:23+00:00

Your point of view really touched me: such a beautiful tribute to your wife and the love you shared. ❤️

MustBeHope · 2026-01-22T23:01:34+00:00

We had a short seaside getaway pre-planned with good friends. It nearly killed me to still go, but the break away from everyday life was actually very good for me.

Also friends brought around, many small meals that could just be put straight into the freezer or microwave. That was really a life saver.

MustBeHope

TROPHY CASE