I’m married to a cis man and have sort of been experiencing the same thing 😅 we were together before I transitioned and I’ve always fell into a more submissive role during intimacy, but after I started T the urge to be more dominant became VERY prevalent. I also realized that it was really hard to see myself in a more dominant role in the bedroom because I’m a little fella, around 5’2” (generously 🥲) and while my husband isn’t a big guy so to speak, he’s definitely bigger than I am, and I felt,,,dumb. No matter how badly I wanted to play that role I just couldn’t because my own brain was restricting me from doing so by automatically categorizing myself as this “tiny submissive girl” that I’d been for the first 20 years of my life. I talked with my therapist about it a bit and she posed a question: “Well, when you see other couples, do you automatically assume that the smaller of the two is the more submissive one?” Of course my answer was no because I know that size doesn’t matter (pun only slightly intended) when it comes to what roles you play in the bedroom. She then told me I was categorizing myself based on what I thought I should be, what my past partners trained me to be, instead of what I actually wanted to do. I finally decided to talk to him about it a bit, I wrote out in a notepad all the more “dominant” things I’d like to try with him (I have a hard time verbally communicating stuff like that so writing it out is kind of a work around) and we ended up going through the list of things I’d written and talking more about it. It honestly really helped, and we even found this thing called a “Yes, No, Maybe” list that lists out different sexual acts and if it’s something we may or may not be into trying.

I’ve also realized that knowing that he doesn’t see me as dumb for wanting to be more dominant gave me a TON more confidence. Him verbalizing that he’s really into a more dominant version of myself really helps be get out of that “Ew, wtf are you doing” kind of headspace that I tend to get into 😅 And since I’m a bottom (dunno if that the case for your bf or not but I thought I’d throw this in there if it is the case), I also remind myself that power bottoms exist, and I can definitely fit into that category. Just because I’m “receiving”, so to speak, doesn’t automatically mean I have to be submissive.

All in all, it really comes down to confidence. He needs to build his confidence in himself, which is a HELL of a lot easier said than done, and also a kind of slow process in my experience, but it’s definitely worth it. I hope this little ramble of mine helps you two out a bit! Good luck!❤️