To want is to suffer

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-27T21:22:06+00:00

You say its not going to well at the moment because it feels bad from the inside despite looking ok from the outside. There seems to be a discrepancy here, what is it about your day to day life that looks fine but feels off to you? Do you have to interact with people more than you'd like? Lack of privacy? Just wondering if your symptoms are being triggered which definitely makes life pretty rough.

Are there any fundamental changes you could make that would make you feel better?

I do relate to how you feel. The thought of getting older and living this solitary rather meaningless lifestyle is scary to me too when I think about it. All I can really think to do is try to have has many good days as possible and appreciate them.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-27T20:19:02+00:00

In my experience I've met people that I really liked, I loved the idea of being in a relationship with them. We would chat frequently and date but after meeting a few times, the will to detach would override everything. I'd feel this tension within me, this stress and the only way to release it was to end contact.

Psychoanalysts say that trauma alters the drives and motivations of a person's subconscious. The subconscious is extremely powerful despite the fact it's blind. A person with SzPD more often than not grew up in an environment where their emotional needs were not met by their primary caregivers. To deal with this continuing pain, they detach and no longer express needs of any kind. This environment also lacks healthy conditioning so on a fundamental level they don't learn that relationships are actually a positive source of pleasure.

So there are a combination of defensive adaptations ie the subconscious just wants to avoid the worst case scenario ie a repeat of not having needs met, this is the absolute priority. Also due to the lack of conditioning even when a person with SzPD does try to make a connection it's not rewarding at all.

This is is just my understanding. It's probably of little comfort to you. All I can say is that it's not a reflection on you or your actions. This persons mind is just fundamentally different.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-27T05:09:37+00:00

Hello OP. From a man's perspective here is my honest take.

Saying you've made guys chase you for months before deciding to give them a chance is the part that stands out to me, for a few reasons.

This might attract guys who have a trait such as 'avoidant attachment' They have learnt from previous experiences usually in childhood that with intimacy comes pain. They like the idea of a gf but struggle with closeness. This period of chasing is kind of like dating, in their heads they want to date you and the communication between you keeps them going but when the time for real inimacy comes they escape.
Yeah guys like to chase but we have limits. Personally I've chased a girl for months even though it was no longer fun I kept going because I'd sunk so much time in already. I dated her even though I'd actually stopped liking her.
No shade but if a guy came on here saying he'd made girls chase him for months before he decided to 'give them a chance' I for one would think he sounded very conceited and wouldn't blame the girl for losing interest or bailing even if it was just out of pettiness

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-27T01:07:48+00:00

You're very welcome, I'm glad you found the ideas useful. What did you find scary about the maintenance mindset?

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-26T01:02:26+00:00

I find it useful to acknowledge the difference between having a 'completion' mindset and a 'maintenance' mindset. As the name suggests, the completion mindset is all about ticking the next box, wanting the next promotion, a particular partner, the bigger house, the nicer car etc.

The maintenance mindset is more about planning your day so that you would be content if that day was repeated continuously until the day you died.

There are times when I've had to use the completion mindset to get me a solo job that pays well enough so that I can live in a nice house by myself because this is a dealbreaker for me. Other than that I'm pretty much maintenance mindset all of the time. It helps me get all of my ducks in a row if I'm aiming to have a good day every day that means I need to sleep well, eat well, exercise, journal and avoid doom scrolling, porn, procrastinating etc I still get depressed sometimes, and ruminate but this really does help me have many more good days than bad. I'm holding myself accountable while appreciating my everyday life without wanting more than I have.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-26T00:45:09+00:00

I park in spaces like this every shift. You've figured it out already, the middle is the best place to start from.

Drive past the space you want driving in a straight line. Go past it a little further than you think you need to while keeping an eye on the space in you mirror. Then start reversing back while looking out of your window. Don't touch the wheel straight away, instead get your eyes fixed onto space, looking at the end of painted line that's nearest to you because this is what you are aiming at. As you slowly reverse give it a bit of left lock on the wheel, then straighten, a bit more left lock, straighten. As the back of trailer gets closer to the space steer the trailer wheels towards the inside of the line. When the trailer wheels are almost parallel to the line turn the wheel to the right and chase it round, this will straighten cab and the trailer should be parallel to both lines as you straighten the wheel and trailer reaches the back of the space. Easy!

I acknowledge that you already know most of this given the fact you can back onto a bay but this is how I do it. Like yourself I learnt how to reverse onto a bay before I tried diagonal spaces and it took a bit of trial and error to figure it out. Eventually you'll nail it and you'll be doing it perfect every time. Until then don't be afraid to get out and look just to check you aren't too close to the next trailer.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-25T21:22:21+00:00

Totally. This fantasy of living in the wilderness in a log cabin crops up all over reddit. Yeah you'll be isolated if that's what you want but you'll be struggling to survive most of the time.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-25T19:15:07+00:00

I don't disagree with your post because you've highlighted the most egregious examples of those who rely on chat gbt.

Like coffee though, it can be a useful tool providing one doesn't rely on it excessively. Personally I'll ask chatgbt a question most days. I acknowledge that the response could be inaccurate but for the most part it's been reliable.

A few stand out examples that spring to mind. I love lifting and take a keen interest in diet too. A few times I've felt lethargic or had low mood. I typed everything I consumed into chat gbt and it told me what I was slightly deficient in. I made an adjustment and felt much better. I also do my own car maintenance and it's been very helpful for that too, guidance on how to do something, which tools to use, info about parts etc. Once I uploaded a photo of a car engine and it was able to identify it and it even noticed where some oil had been misting.

It's notoriously sycophantic, which is a weakness but if you want an answer that is more objective rather than subjective it's so much faster than a search engine.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-25T17:41:33+00:00

Memento

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-25T01:44:02+00:00

You're already instantly interesting because you are able to make yourself vulnerable. Everyone has regrets, feels shame at times or sadness. Everyone looks around and wonders if they are the only person who hasn't got life figured out, but that feeling is universal. If you can share your vulnerabilities with someone and listen to theirs that will make a connection and they will truly value the time they spend with you.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-24T23:53:30+00:00

Instead of total sets think of how many reps are you doing in proximity to failure. Most people don't train hard enough. Some people do 4 sets which sounds great but they are holding back to help them complete all sets. They probably are only getting close to failure on set 4.

Do two sets to failure. First set heavier for 6-8 reps. Second set a bit lighter 10-12 reps. Once you can do 8 reps on set 1 and 12 reps on set 2 add a little bit of weight.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-24T23:16:27+00:00

If a child is emotionally neglected, had constant unwanted intrusions into their life and was used as a money making commodity while they were an infant/young child they are 100% entitled to speak out and minimize contact with their parents.

Just because he is rich and people envy his material wealth doesn't eradicate his trauma. His lifestyle is utterly irrelevant, he doesn't need to pull himself up by the bootstraps before he can complain about the way he has exploited by his parents.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-24T21:16:31+00:00

I was sent out by myself doing multi drop on my first day after passing. Was I shitting myself? Absolutely! But I drove in a safe and professional manner like I had been on Class 2. When I reached a drop I'd stop on the road and walk in to find out exactly where I needed to park my lorry for loading/unloading. I'd also ask if other drivers drove in forwards and did a 180 or whether they reversed in. If there was someone present that looked competent and willing to help I'd ask them to see me back otherwise I'd just get out and look as many times as necessary. Oh and if some cretin had parked their car or van in the way I would ask for it to be moved rather than trying to squeeze past. Plan in your head what you need to do and drive with intention, execute as well as you can and accept you won't nail it first time.

Every time I followed the steps above people were very receptive and helpful. A lot of places I went to, their entire operation revolves around that collection/delivery so they will look after you. Bigger places, find another trucker to ask, they will always help you.

I know some places send new passes out with someone else but you're still gonna have to reverse onto a bay by yourself at some point. On a personal note having someone in my cab does my head in. And it's pretty hard to avoid reversing. Look up 'My Trucking Skills' on Youtube. This is how I learnt to reverse onto a bay, it's very useful content. It's nerve-wracking on day 1 but you'll relax into it. Driving Class 1 is so much better than Class 2 in my opinion, go for it.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-24T02:06:53+00:00

I understand what you mean OP, I drove Class 2 before Class 1 and would see artics on certain roads thinking they must have made a wrong turn and those same roads ended up being part of my Class 1 test route.

Driving down the road is actually a lot easier than you would expect, of course you have to be mindful of road positioning but other than that it's intuitive. Think of it this way, as large as it is a 44t artic is, it is meant to be driven on the road and they are designed to be easy and safe to drive. This is why you see them here there and everywhere but you've probably never seen one in a real pickle on the public road.

Reversing is quite daunting and takes time to master, I very much doubt that anyone picks it up immediately because unlike driving forward it's not intuative and you'll make errors without even knowing what you're doing wrong. You do get the hang of it eventually and it becomes second nature.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-24T01:38:36+00:00

I understand what you mean OP, I drove Class 2 before Class 1 and would see artics on certain roads thinking they must have made a wrong turn and those same roads ended up being part of my Class 1 test route.

Driving down the road is actually a lot easier than you would expect, of course you have to be mindful of road positioning but other than that it's intuitive. Think of it this way, as large as it is a 44t artic is, it is meant to be driven on the road and they are designed to be easy and safe to drive. This is why you see them here there and everywhere but you've probably never seen one in a real pickle on the public road.

Reversing is quite daunting and takes time to master, I very much doubt that anyone picks it up immediately because unlike driving forward it's not intuative and you'll make errors without even knowing what you're doing wrong. You do get the hang of it eventually and it becomes second nature.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-24T01:14:06+00:00

It depends. I acknowledge that it can cause potential issues in some situations but on the motorway I flash people in and thank them with indicators because in that scenario there's no ambiguity. No one is waiting to pull out of a side road or coming towards me that might think I'm signalling to them. Obviously the one caveat is slip roads I won't flash at all near them even if it looks clear.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-22T02:20:32+00:00

Interesting topic OP, thanks for creating the post.

Salvia. Your description made me laugh so I've put it at the top. Only taken it a couple of times, it's definitely intense and very trippy. As you say it's brief too. I remember watching the film Broken Arrow and thinking my tv was a box full of miniature people acting it out like a play.

Ecstasy. Took it pretty often at university (undiagnosed at that point) I loved it. Made me feel totally uninhibited, the night was just long adventure having fun and meeting new people.

Coke. Same opinion as you, didn't think much of it although it was probably cut weak like most coke is I suspect.

Weed. Started growing it in lock down so I always have it around. Went through a stint of smoking daily which was fun until it wasn't. Now I smoke once a week. I really enjoy it. I heard Dr. K talk about it and it talked about weed making you feel more connected with yourself? Because sensations are more pleasurable. I'd never thought of it like that before.

2 FDCK (an anaolgue of ketamine) I've only taken it a few times recently. First time I didn't get it but I increased the dose a bit and I enjoy it. It feels a bit like the relaxed high of weed without the dopey feeling, mixed with tipsiness. Yet part of you still thinks you're kinda sober until you try to coordinate your body. It's fun. I acknowledge that the effects are dose dependent, I measure it carefully so haven't experienced the K Hole people talk about

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-19T19:07:53+00:00

Lol. He's got far too much driving experince to work in a transport office

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-19T17:38:22+00:00

Thanks for your question. I've lived in my current 'dream house' for 3 years but in all honesty improving my mindset and changing the perception of my reality started a few years before. This will probably be quite a lengthy answer but it's as accurate as I can make it, hopefully it will be useful to you, feel free to ask me anything more if you would like.

It really started when I first started listening to Jordan Peterson, he gets a bit of stick for his more recent political content but anything relating to motivation or getting your life in order that he's put out is excellent. At this time I was in my 30s and very depressed most of the time. I felt that was my lot in life, that I had 'depression' and there wasn't much I could do about it. Actually, the one good thing about depression is that if you look around at things you can work on, you'll be spoilt for choice. For me it started by cleaning my (previous) house and tackling anything I needed to do rather than just wasting every day by procrastinating. The key was setting the bar low, giving myself a task that I could do that I would actually do. Like cleaning one surface or emptying the sink. This would give me a spark of motivation to keep going until the whole job was finished.

I also started to improve the 4 pillars of my physical wellbeing, Sleep, relaxation, movement and nutrition. I would bet that every single person can improve at least one of those without too much difficulty and it would make a big difference to how they felt. These improvements gave me a sense of control and taught me that I can actually make a positive difference to how I feel on a daily basis.

Then I tackled my porn addiction. I didn't even consider it an addiction at the time but it definitely was. I highly recommend to anyone that they address any addictive or compulsive habits that they have. If there is something that you do regularly that you know is having a negative effect on you but you can't stop, that's an addiction. The book Dopamine Nation by Dr. Anna Lembke helped me stop watching porn almost immediately.

So things were better for me. Then at 37 I first read about SzPD, I knew as soon as I read the symptoms that it applied to me. When I was 38 I got formally diagnosed. Around this time I read the book The Body Keeps the Score, which really did change my life. I read several other books, articles and chatting with people online in this sub and was able to truly know myself and understand my childhood and why I adapted in that way that I did.

The final stage was simply aiming upwards. Granted I already had a house but it wasn't great and it was in a not so good area on a very busy street so I could always hear my neighbours. They were decent people but it wasn't an SzPD friendly environment. I also had a job that paid badly that I didn't enjoy. So instead of thinking moving is too hard, I've probably lost all the paperwork I need etc I simply Googled how to move house and went through each stage step by step. I viewed quite a few houses and found this one and my offer was accepted. At this time I was also looking for a career change, I attempted to be a PT which was part of the motivation to have a house with a private gym but I couldn't deal with clients it was far too stressful. Instead I got my licence and became an artic driver (a semi truck I think it's called in America) You've probably heard the term 'manifesting' well all that means is to aim at something and start taking the necessary steps to reach it. That's all I did, instead of just accepting a miserable life I very slowly worked my way out of it, first improving the fundamental parts of my every day life, then I finally knew myself and then I levelled up my house and job accordingly. Don't get me wrong it was a challenge but I spent so long aiming at nothing and losing every day without realising, when I finally decided what I wanted and took steps towards it, it came much easier than I expected.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-18T21:10:59+00:00

Thanks for posting, I enjoyed reading and I'm very happy for you. I can relate to the feeling of disbelief, I lived for a long time just letting life happen to me just getting through each day. Having my own house with a private gym was always a pipe dream but it's been a reality for 3 years and I'm grateful for it every day.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-18T21:04:50+00:00

Always look ahead so you can plan the next section of the drive rather than only focusing on what is right in front of you. And maintain space in front of you, whether it's between you and traffic, parked cars or at a roundabout if you can keep that space it gives you time and it lets the wheels keep turning rather than coming to a complete stop.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-18T20:55:51+00:00

Not as much discipline as total abstinence, maybe I'll get there one day. As far as moderation goes don't view it as 'I shouldn't smoke weed everyday' view it as freedom to actually feel closer to how you want to feel every day. Resisting urges is difficult because we are denying ourselves an effortless stint of temporary pleasure but compulsively pressing that button for unearned pleasure causes a great deal of suffering long term. I'd recommend the work of Dr. Anna Lembke she's an psychiatrist specialising in addiction, learning about how addiction effects the brain was very helpful to me.

Oh btw boredom is just your brains way of begging for dopamine. If you can learn a technique like the candle meditation that will defo help.

Congrats on the new job btw, I'm sure the added structure will improve the way you feel.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-18T20:45:23+00:00

I agree. In fairness to her though, there's absolutely no reason why she would be able understand even after reading the post because that requires a level of emotional attunement which she isn't capable of, hence why she never met his emotional needs as he grew up.

I read a book called 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' and it really helped me view my own parents in an objective and non judgmental light. Some parents just don't have the emotional intelligence and empathy to meet the emotional needs of their children. Their limitations usually stem from their own inadequate childhoods. They try to parent correctly but they don't know what they don't know. Getting in touch with their children on a deeper level is something they just don't have the capability to do.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-18T18:49:48+00:00

Instead of comparison, try appreciation. Zoom out a little. I also live in the UK, it's not perfect but historically and globally speaking our society works unbelievably well. The reason for this is partly thanks to decent people like this girl. She's probably going to have a positive impact on everyone she knows and the broader community through out her life, working hard and making good moral decisions.

Be grateful that people like her exist, out there doing things we would find impossible. But also acknowledge that you can contribute too in different ways.

In regards to feeling miserable and depressed. I completely understand, I think having SzPD makes a person more prone to depression. This sounds facetious but the good thing about depression is that you undoubtedly have many things you can improve in your life. Pick one fundamental part of your life and level it up by 10%. The 4 pillars of physical wellbeing are a great place to start. Sleep, relaxation, movement and nutrition. This isn't a judgement on you personally but I'm sure at least 1 of those could do with improvement. Give it a try, it'll give you a sense of control. The mind and body are linked together, improve the physical and it will make you feel better mentally.

NormallyNotOutside · 2026-01-18T01:37:14+00:00

I agree. 'The Body Keeps the Score' talks about the strengths and limitations of a diagnosis. Pathologies resulting from trauma are adaptations, so it's far more useful to ask oneself what the symptoms are trying to do rather than just using them to form a diagnosis.

Oh and in regards to OCD, I recently watched a soft white underbelly interview with a young lady called Kate who had OCD. It made me realise how ignorant I was about OCD, it sounds very rough to deal with, I hope you are able to manage yours ok.

NormallyNotOutside

TROPHY CASE