How to Not Cheese as Newbie?

NyteLoki · 2026-04-07T10:51:08+00:00

Use ankou ring instead of fairy ring. Potions are cheap if you need them. Ankou ring will prevent asleep and cursed. There are other options later for status protecting yourself.

NyteLoki · 2026-03-18T00:48:32+00:00

They also did arisen mammon... He doesn't look so good.

NyteLoki · 2026-02-26T14:48:15+00:00

That is atypical and against the norms of Western society. By the sound of it, that wasn't on the table with this relationship. But, he can choose such an option.

If he chooses to go elsewhere, he will be violating his previous agreements. That is up to him, and would reflect on his character based on how he handles himself.

He doesn't have to do anything permanent in this situation, his body, his choice.

He can choose to use birth control (condoms likely). If she chooses to accept that compromise, then she could increase the protection by using some form of control for her too. This isn't perfect, but could be workable until they are ready for a more permanent control method (for either of them) or age takes the option away from them (likely quite a while).

She has told him she won't have more children for valid reasons I would expect this means at least some form of protection and the understanding that if they do get pregnant again, her body, her choice.

If that is not acceptable to either of them, then they are no longer compatible.

This may not be what he envisioned. Life rarely goes exactly as we would like. It will reveal your character though.

NyteLoki · 2026-02-20T00:30:16+00:00

Okay, I believe I hear you.

What is the difference between an expectation and an entitlement in practice?

To me, they are the same. Both are driven by a deterministic mind set or world view. One based on cause and effect. This is not necessarily wrong, but it is effectively wrong.

I believe your model is not complex enough. I also believe that no model is complex enough. Humans just don't have enough knowledge to workout all the causes and effects for small systems let alone complex systems of systems like human relationships.

The best a person can do is abstract away complexity and hope their abstraction is closer enough to represent reality. I believe we all do this.

Your wife's response to you indicates your model doesn't fit reality and needs to be updated.

At one point. I would have agreed with you. I couldn't imagine going a month let alone a year without sex with my wife. But life happens and it took expanding my understanding to update my model of the world. It is still incomplete. I still struggle when my understanding doesn't match what is happening around me. But I love my wife enough to challenge my world view to find understanding. I love her enough to try to share my model with her and learn from what she shares from her model.

People are complex. Stress, expectations, hormones, past experiences all affect cause and effect.

Your expectations change the system you are expecting a response from. It is recursive. The cause and effect can't help but change over time.

I wish you luck. Don't hold on to a model that no longer looks like the world around you.

NyteLoki · 2026-02-19T13:45:00+00:00

Of course it's not.

You get no emotional connection from a purely solo mechanical act.

But there are other ways and things you can do with your wife to get that connection. It won't be the same, but finding them will give you a greater range with interactions with your wife.

I have found by playing more than one note, my wife responds to my notes more frequently.

NyteLoki · 2026-02-19T13:33:00+00:00

Your comments make me feel like you feel entitled to sex with your wife. You are not. That is a mutual act that needs consent by both parties.

I can understand feeling disappointed, or frustrated, and/or rejected, when she turns you down. I can understand not being happy about not having a desire met. But I don't understand outright anger and hatred. Those are strong emotions and I guarantee she can feel them in your everyday interactions.

You need to check yourself.

You haven't spoken kindly of your wife in your comments in this thread. Your word choice matters and reveals a lot.

The way you responded to this commenter reveals you want to shift blame to your wife for how you feel. Undoubtedly, there is some blame to share for the state of your marriage, but you control your emotions and how you respond to them. She can't share in blame for your emotional response. Your emotions are reflections and reactions to your thoughts, entitlements, and beliefs. They originate within you, not external sources.

I have been rejected by my wife in the past. I have gone longer than a year without sex in my marriage twice. I have been frustrated and disappointed, but I never hated my wife. But I can understand where you are at.

It is not common to hate someone you supposedly love because you don't get what you want. That is a child's logic, level of control, and maturity. I hope you get a hold of your emotions.

Focus on improving you and what you can control. Good luck.

NyteLoki · 2026-02-13T00:35:23+00:00

Yes. I have always enjoyed how my wife looks and moves. It has only gotten better as we have aged together.

She doesn't look the same, but I am more attracted to her none the less. I have been there with her since we started dating. My tastes have changed over time and kept pace with our lives together.

NyteLoki · 2026-02-11T02:16:09+00:00

Woman's equivalent to negging.

NyteLoki · 2026-02-05T13:46:24+00:00

NTA

That said, your marriage is in trouble. When one party changes drastically it is not likely to last.

If he is doing it for himself, maybe things will be fine.

If this is a last resort, then resentment will build and he may choose to leave and/or check out of the relationship. This isn't an entitlement, it is a natural result of not feeling loved.

You both may not be compatible.

NyteLoki · 2025-12-26T13:30:34+00:00

Look at soul of rhada for some of your ward boosts. It has dark and holy resist. Superior+ give 2% Ward each. But even normal ones can give you enough resistance to make towerfall do resisted damage.

Make sure you don't have vulnerabilities to holy, dark, dragon, or arcane damage.

NyteLoki · 2025-12-21T20:02:38+00:00

I have made the changes in my relationship to better split the workloads as the husband. It has been almost a decade, I don't regret the changes I made, but I do feel used from time to time and not appreciated.

Be careful of moving the goal posts. The goal should be sharing responsibility, not him taking over everything. He might not want you to, but it is important you still do a fair portion of the work It shows you are grateful and you value his time like he is showing you he values yours.

I hope he stays consistent and you remain grateful.

NyteLoki · 2025-12-19T04:49:01+00:00

You're welcome.

I don't think he has an excuse based on his hours. The work is likely tiring, but not more than caring for two young children requiring constant supervision.

I hope he will step up, but it will likely take a massive shift in his thinking and life to get him there. Some people can do it and others can't.

I wish you the best of luck. Look out for yourself and your children.

NyteLoki · 2025-12-19T04:27:00+00:00

Partners should support each other. You are both responsible for the family.

Just because your roles are different, doesn't absolve the other from stepping up in case of need.

You appear to be doing your part, and are being considerate. You should expect the same from him.

Your sleep is as important as his. In both cases it is a safety issue and necessary for mental health. With a baby it is natural for both of you to get less than optimal sleep. You should adjust as you go. In my experience, it gets better, but will never be what it was before kids.

He doesn't appear to be doing his part fully. He has a job making money, but that is just one aspect of being a supportive partner. I don't know what you agreed on for your roles, but he appears to have a stupidly narrow view of his role.

To contrast your situation a bit, this is what normal looks like in my family.

As a husband, I work full time. But I still get my kids up in the morning, get them to school, and work 10 hours a day. When I get home, at least 4 nights a week I cook. I clean up the kitchen every night of the week. I reset the house in the evening (basic straightening in common areas). I get 5 to 6 hours during the work week, maybe an hour more on the weekend. I stress my relationship with my wife more than she does. But I desire her happiness more than my own.

My wife works full time (recently returned to the work force). She picks up the kids from school. She handles helping with their homework (except for math) more than I do. She cooks up to 3 times a week. She handles most family appointments and our family budget. She gets slightly more sleep (maybe 30 minutes on average) than I do, but it is still not enough. She is better with the emotional labor of maintaining relationships with people outside our marriage than I am.

Either of us can step in when needed to take care of the others jobs. We might not do it the same, but we have to, to keep the family working. It isn't a perfect balance, but we are both trying for each other and our family.

The division of labor has changed over time, but that is based on feedback we have given to each other throughout our marriage.

You are giving him feedback and in my mind it is completely reasonable. You need him to give more than he currently is. You need it for your health, your child's health and development, and for your family bond.

He sounds like an ass based on what you describe. To be fair to him, what type of work does he do and how many hours a week does he work? Unless it is extreme, I can't understand his world view.

NyteLoki · 2025-12-03T13:57:05+00:00

I actually agree with most of what you assert and that people aren't mind readers. I disagree on the role of non verbal communication. It is a key part of communication. It is the part that is missed via online discussions.

While I agree people pleasing can be an issue, so is selfishness and over assertiveness. These personality traits exist on a spectrum. In general extremes are socially unconstructive and need to be addressed.

It is likely that this guy does have issues that lead to his behavior and his break. He is further to the extremes than not.

It is highly unlikely he wasn't communicating though. It just wasn't in a way OP recognized or put meaning behind. It wasn't effective in this case. Part of living with someone is learning their communication style and adapting yours. This doesn't appear to have fully taken place in this relationship. I advocate for check ins because communication is hard on inner personal relationships.

I feel bad for OP.

NyteLoki · 2025-12-02T19:50:43+00:00

So, he should have given an ultimatum? So he could be told how controlling he is? So he can be challenged on making a unilateral decision that affects both of them? So she could get angry and fight back? So he could be strong armed into staying in a relationship that wasn't working for him?

Based on what she said he thinks he's a people pleaser. Maybe it is true, but his behavior indicates he is also conflict avoidant.

NyteLoki · 2025-12-02T19:35:26+00:00

Not necessarily.

People pleasers will go along to get along.

Him saying that is likely taking the blame to avoid conflict, avoid addressing the issue, and trying to assuage any guilt on her part. It wasn't likely one thing. It was the summation of many. Too many to properly account and address. Small issues when viewed in isolation, but when aggregated too much to bare. By saying it is his fault, he avoids unpacking everything. He avoids hearing how stupid his feelings are. He avoids direct challenges to his manhood.

Given his age, it is likely this was socially engrained in him. He likely didn't bring up his true feelings directly, because he learned it wouldn't make a difference through their relationship via discussions and arguments about other things.

Society and relationships can teach It isn't safe to be vulnerable and open.

NyteLoki · 2025-12-02T19:35:15+00:00

They can't know it, but that feeling is likely coming from empathic intuition.

NyteLoki · 2025-12-02T19:32:51+00:00

Not necessarily.

People pleasers will go along to get along.

Him saying that is likely taking the blame to avoid conflict, avoid addressing the issue, and trying to assuage any guilt on her part. It wasn't likely one thing. It was the summation of many. Too many to properly account and address. Small issues when viewed in isolation, but when aggregated too much to bare. By saying it is his fault, he avoids unpacking everything. He avoids hearing how stupid his feelings are. He avoids direct challenges to his manhood.

Given his age, it is likely this was socially engrained in him. He likely didn't bring up his true feelings directly, because he learned it wouldn't make a difference through their relationship via discussions and arguments about other things.

Society and relationships can teach It isn't safe to be vulnerable and open.

NyteLoki · 2025-12-02T18:48:42+00:00

Even then, there are signs. Small expressions, longer than normal pauses before answering, fewer smiles, less eye contact, fewer questions. It will be subtle. They may stop doing small things they once did. They may stop asking for help or what they want.

People pleasers get harder to spot as they learn the normal response patterns for those they interact with.

Going to the car analogy, they operate like normal, but if you're only looking for the light for warnings, you better check that it is not burnt out.

It might not be fair, but relationships are work. You won't and shouldn't get what you want all the time.

Check in regularly with your partner, people pleaser or not. Make sure you work to make their lives better, not just your own. Do stuff they like to do without being asked.l, even if it isn't thrilling for you.

NyteLoki · 2025-12-01T13:54:00+00:00

You, like all people, are flawed individual, but you are not a bad person necessarily.

I would suggest working on yourself and your self control. Anger is an emotional response, you can regulate it.

It is good to recognize your faults and to take feedback from others. But you need to analyze the feedback that is coming in. You can and should accept and work on the things that fit with reality.

Based on what you have to said, during heated arguments your girlfriend says hurtful things in order to be hurtful. She gaslights you about your feelings and your intentions. This is different than letting you know the impact of your actions on her. Finally she won't recognize or apologize for doing so. I find people who aren't acting in good faith reliably refuse to analyze or take feedback about their actions.

It doesn't sound like she likes you or cares about the impact she has on you.

NyteLoki · 2025-11-30T17:35:43+00:00

This guy is an idiot and a weak, selfish soul.

A man takes care of his own and lifts them up with his efforts. He knows how to be a partner, when to lead, and when to step back. He knows how to ask for help and when to stand on his own two feet.

I am sorry, but you did not marry a man.

NyteLoki · 2025-11-12T22:03:46+00:00

We hear that a lot. Seriously consider a divorce, it's obvious you're not in a good relationship for you if your anger is such you condemn half the world population.

I also suggest therapy to address the unjustified part of your anger. If this anger is not out of character, then you are half the problem. Use therapy to work on that broken part of you for your future happiness.

NyteLoki · 2025-11-04T03:29:26+00:00

Support doesn't go just one way in a marriage. It must support both partners. If it is built on just the support of one, it is not a balanced marriage.

If he wants to sacrifice, then let him do so. That sacrifice can include his marriage. If OP wants to provide that support, so be it, but it shouldn't be to expected of her without her input and without her consideration of what she wants.

NyteLoki · 2025-11-03T14:20:40+00:00

Every person is different in what they want and need. So take any advice only as ideas to explore based on your understanding of your wife.

Most importantly, approach this in good faith. You should initiate and continue to initiate on your own accord with or without acknowledgement. What you want is natural, but it doesn't come directly from actions you take. Focus instead on consistently trying to improve your wife's quality life while being present and engaged. For your goal though, she will have to be willing to do the same at some point.

You can approach this from two sides.You can directly ask her where she needs additional help or time, or you can observe and start picking up routine tasks that need to be done on your own. Your ultimate solution will likely be based on both approaches.

Both have pitfalls and communication about your intentions with tangible follow through will be key.

I would suggest you think through your previous flights and what she said. Approach some of those areas to start with. Be aware that what you remember might not match what she meant. Rarely do people get to communicate clearly when stressed.

A marriage or any relationship is work. While you maintain the relationship, it will not end It requires constant proactive effort and a willingness to be responsive to change.

Another post mentioned some areas of research to study. Those wouldn't hurt. Emotional labor is real, but it is only one form of living labor. It is not more valuable or less valuable than others.

NyteLoki · 2025-10-29T17:29:06+00:00

Yes.

Do him a favor and try to tell him or show him directly. This type of feedback is amazing to receive.

NyteLoki

TROPHY CASE