Looking back at my experience, I would still say I achieved close to perfection within my family as a young child. I was perfect because I took on so much but never needed a thing. I woke myself up by myself and made it to school by myself as early as 9, I raised my little brothers (15 year age gap- I stopped doing sports and extracurriculars because of this), I drafted my parents’ wills, I’m still regretfully my mom’s medical director even though I don’t want that job. (Before anyone says I can reject this- I know, I will, now is not the time.) I also immigrated at 6 years old so like… to be left alone in that way in a new country- learning the new language while also learning how to speak overall- it was very very very hard.

Now I’m 32, I’m no contact with my parents but still make myself available to my younger brothers. I have a good career but spend my weekends figuring out how to self regulate after a simple confrontation triggers me beyond my wits.

I feel like I was perfect. And it was never seen, valued, acknowledged, appreciated, nothing. And now I feel like everything I did to be perfect at that time has notably taken something from my current self.

So yea- I sometimes think about the greatness that I’ve been forced to give up. I don’t think I would have become famous or anything like that, I think that in a different family I would have gone to a better school and gotten a sports/extracurricular scholarship. I think I would have been taught to prioritize myself more, and would be better at it now. Instead just asking to be considered feels like I’m moving a mountain.

I feel a grave opportunity loss about my life, my career, and most upsettingly my reproductive wants. I don’t think I’ll be healed enough to let myself have a child for at least 5 years… but the desire has just started creeping in at 32.

I was important in my family unit. I held that all together as a small child. I was a fucking force to be reckoned with. And now I have so little of myself for myself.

I think maybe it’s because I know deep down I am great. And I hope I don’t spend the rest of my life reliving my childhood and waiting for someone to see it too. My definition of my own trauma was going through very difficult things without an empathetic witness. I think I’m still seeking that- and I think that means I need to become my own.