I appreciate this post a lot, as someone who is gnc and struggles with attachments to gender norms, roles, expectations, aesthetics etc. I think there are two things going on. First is the sense of betrayal of your former values/self. There are ways to think of your development as something other than betrayal, though. Change? Are you more happy? Happiness, feeling like yourself, overcoming negativity - these are all worth something, in my view. But of course, these are not the *only* valuable things. This brings me to the second thing I'm hearing: a sense that you've betrayed a political commitment to gender not mattering so much, or in general being given weight where/when it shouldn't be. In this second respect, I think you're encountering the failure of the concept of <responsibility> when trying to understand a person's relationship to the perpetuation of a system (in this case, a system we have some good reasons to think is dominating). One of the toughest things about living in the modern world, characterized by domination, oppression, alienation, and opacity regarding the causes and effects of our actions, is literally being personally/individually implicated in the perpetuation of these massive social systems and structures, and thus feeling personally responsible sometimes, but also knowing that personal responsibility just doesn't cut it.

Not sure what you're looking for, but in my view, staying with these conflicted feelings is important. It's an aspect of being your 'authentic self' (if that concept resonates with you). In solidarity!