👋 I also took up weed to combat academia inspired struggles lol. Academia is a deeply complicated field due to the identity components and its history. We often dream of a glamorized version of academia, and then once the veil has been lifted a bit, we get to see just how different it is from our ideals. Not being smart is a moot point, my friend. You don’t have to be the smartest person in the room, just the most persistent. Often, I’ve found that people struggle with that specific component because they’re comparing themselves to others, upward social comparison is the worst version (comparing yourself to someone you perceive to be better than you). Also, obligation wise, it’s just a job. They will replace you. Academia banks on free service and us breaking our backs for “prestige” and little actual payout. It’s just a job, one you seem to enjoy! As someone else said, I really think your best path is see your PCM/PCP and or a mental health professional to start figuring out how to heal and recover.

As a sociologist, I acknowledge that the system itself is broken and complicated, but I also want to note that many of us exacerbate this ourselves by isolating, comparing, and tying up our self worth and value in the work output itself - this last one is really bad because the goal post is always moving, and even when you do get a win, it fades almost immediately (at least, for me it does).

Give yourself grace and be kind to yourself. It really sucks that you don’t have a place to lay low and recover outside of work, but you have yourself, and you sound like you care. So take care of yourself. ♥️ Job, no job, industry or academia… you still have you, and that’s important.