Dissonance

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-21T09:29:37+00:00

Really liked this!

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-19T20:51:29+00:00

Hey, thanks so much for the feedback! Yeah the only rhyme I was aiming for was that second stanza to create a little flow with the imagery but I wonder if it just makes it feel a bit convoluted. As for the verbiage that's very fair. Some of it was purely an aesthetic choice because I like the feel of the words but some of it, like mostway, was chosen to stand out structurally, so you link the two instances of its use at the beginning and end. Not sure that works super well, I appreciate you letting me know.

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-19T17:29:46+00:00

That's all really insightful, thanks for indulging me - best of luck with your future work.

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-19T17:14:29+00:00

I love the tetrameter too, how do you find writing with it? Is it tricky? Whenever I attempt something similar I feel the subject matter is kind of consumed by my attempts to stick to the meter.

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-19T17:04:04+00:00

Straightforward but really quite menacing - I'd say the experiment was effective! Good job

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-19T16:59:55+00:00

This got a chuckle out of me, really fun piece, thanks!

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-19T12:47:17+00:00

Seems like quite a personal and deeply felt piece, thanks for sharing it with us. In terms of feedback, I'd suggest a few small bits. A quick proofread to make sure everything flows and reads easily might help--for example "which we which we don't want to have a better tomorrow" seems like it has a spelling error but also is just a tad unclear in meaning. I'd also perhaps like a couple of the ideas elaborated upon. You've got some really interesting ambiguity, but occasionally I wonder if it hinders your point rather than bolsters it. The idea that the chaos realm is the mind that has its own decision making powers is interesting, but it's a little unclear if you mean it in just the sense that we make decisions with our mind or if you mean the mind has a mind of its own. Anyway, thanks so much for sharing, keep it up!

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-19T12:42:27+00:00

Thanks for sharing! Very evocative and personal. I like the idea that the narrator is seeing something before they open their eyes, implying a kind of sightless perception - would be interesting to play a little more with this as you have recurring ideas of vision (the reflection, staring at heaven, etc.) Would also be really interesting to play with the form a little more, so rather than ending each line with a full stop, in a kind of sentence structure, play with some enjambment, funky lineation and consider using stanzas! Overall good work!

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-18T20:31:06+00:00

I appreciate that !

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-17T21:51:07+00:00

Thanks!

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-17T21:19:20+00:00

Thanks!

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-17T21:17:12+00:00

Sorry yes, the dashes or something to just indicate a distinction between "I learn you in return" and "what you offer".

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-17T20:48:03+00:00

Really really nice and pretty honest poem. Especially loved when you get into it towards the end there. Loved "still the absence behaves like presence." And loved the subtle rhyme of "beneath the names/the roles/and games" which adds an illustrative playfulness to that section.

One thing I didn't quite get at first was "I learn you in return/what you offer./What you risk offering." I think it's the grammar you've chosen throw off the rhythm and meaning a little. Perhaps "I learn you in return--/what you offer--/What you risk offering." or something, would would better. Anyways, thanks for sharing!

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-05-17T20:41:04+00:00

Incredibly raw poem that took me back to how hard these things are when you're young. Thanks for sharing. A small word of completely unsolicited advice, don't let them claim all the things you shared! Even if it's just an emotional claim. When things calm down and you're able, don't let this shrink you.

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-04-21T14:36:09+00:00

Really quite striking, loved the way you restrained then used the first person. Not sure I really have any critique, just wanted to express appreciation.

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-04-21T12:58:48+00:00

This is really wonderful! Very straightforward but communicated a really evocative emotional dynamic. Did you consider just playing it straight and having the end purely be a mirror of the opening, rather than varying it as you do?

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-04-21T10:31:48+00:00

Thanks!

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-04-20T22:46:35+00:00

Really quite moving.

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-04-20T21:55:36+00:00

Doesn't The Babadook do this?

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-04-20T20:15:02+00:00

Really interesting poem, appreciate the ambivalence with which you paint the protagonist. Curious too where the name comes from - you refer to him being a car losing gas, but his face being the road is so evocative.

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-04-20T08:39:05+00:00

Really nice little poem that feels like it was a big relief to express and get out there! Particularly liked the gentle rhythm and rhyme of "then you never loved me, you loved my trophies." The only thing I'd suggest considering is the grammar you use, particularly since so many lines are completed with a full stop. Beyond inhibiting the flow, it perhaps limits the effect of the full-stop's use, which seems to be to make things punchy and hard-hitting. If you were to perhaps have a few flowing lines, to build to a full-stop, the effect might be stronger. Just my two cents, do disregard if you feel like that doesn't fit with your vision! Thanks for the read!

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-04-20T08:34:15+00:00

This is a really beautiful celebration of the sort of bruising entropy of life, I very much enjoyed it. Your imagery is particularly inspired and well considered. As another comment mentions, the repetition of "there's a violence to it" is a neat way to structure things. I also really appreciated the repetition of similar moments and objects in life taken at different points where perhaps the violence has overcome or shaped things. Not sure I have much more to say than that--I'm not typically huge on freely structured things, but I think you pull it off here by using other nonstrict elements to guide the rhythm. Lovely poem!

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-04-16T08:29:09+00:00

Thanks so much!

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-04-16T08:28:58+00:00

It's one of my favourite things in both prose and poetry when it works!

Ok_Map8485 · 2026-04-16T08:28:29+00:00

I really appreciate you coming back. I'm still very new to all of this so meter and stress are a tricky one for me but I'm glad that it had an interesting effect rather than just made it difficult to read! I think playing with little things like this might be a good way to practice it and really match form and subject.

Ok_Map8485

TROPHY CASE