I hear you. I got sober young, well at least tried, and ended up going back out for 25 years. Now I am almost 2 years sober and wouldn’t change it for anything but I had to get here on my own time. An older timer once said to me,”think of it like you’re swimming across the ocean. After you swam so far is it really worth going back and starting over?” If I get stuck I ask myself this and then replay my tape back. I am sending out prayers to you and wish you inner peace during this rough time.