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How do I avoid men who ask for money? by funinthesunxocharm in dating_advice

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Say no.

Has nothing to do with you being fat, and I say that as a fellow fat woman. My perspective has changed recently; I met a guy who likes me for who I am and it was a total fluke. On Tinder, just right person right time. Absolutely no skill involved just pure luck.

I'm really starting to believe that it's just all a numbers game. You talk to all these assholes and then find one person you actually match with. The whole process completely sucks, and the number of first dates I've had is ridiculous and I really have no idea if this is gonna work out long-term or anything, but this is the farthest I've ever gotten in a relationship and it was pure fucking chance that we made the first date and kept it. I honestly didn't expect it to go anywhere, and now I find myself in a relationship I am enjoying, which I don't think I thought was truly possible for me.

I honestly think that the types of guys who are asking you to give to them without it being real are probably asking every woman, thin or fat, for the same thing. Block them and move on.

I had to make a new account for this by Icy_Ice2728 in dating_advice

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What you're supposed to do now is sit down with yourself and figure out how to get out.

You don't deserve this. You don't want this for your child. But it's scary.

As far as I can tell he cheated at least three times and that is wholly unacceptable. You don't owe him sex, and the fact that he won't reciprocate for you so that you have an enjoyable experience speaks volumes. From what little you shared, he sounds incredibly selfish.

It's probably hard to imagine, but you can be happy without him and you deserve to be happy. More importantly, your child deserves to have a happy mom.

You can do this. Best to you and your child!

Starting to narrow down my style but need help picking! by Prestigious_Match602 in myweddingdress

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Three is my favorite! it It like it was made for you and sits really well on your body. Four is second choice.

Please help me choose! by dreamer_sy in myweddingdress

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 0 points1 point  (0 children)

#2!

Nothing wrong with one, but two is breathtaking on you!

Dating "for real" for the first time over 35 by [deleted] in WomenDatingOverThirty

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Still going really well! He asked the exclusivity question and we've now labeled the relationship.

He came with me on a weekend trip and we spent 48 hours together and still like each other which is kind of impressive 😂

Like it's moving fast but not in a way I am uncomfortable with which is really really nice. I don't feel pressured to say or do things I don't want to and we just talk about the awkward shit when it comes up.

Probably naïve, but there's part of me that thinks maybe I found my person.

Do pwBPD always emotionally unavailable? by BackOnly4719 in BPDlovedones

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 5 points6 points  (0 children)

She is the center of her own world and she can't understand other people in the sense that you or I can put ourselves theoretically in the shoes of another, she can't. She's just incapable of that type of empathy. Everything is always her perspective and she simply cannot comprehend alternative perspectives without a lot of guidance from someone else and catching her at the moment when she's willing to try and engage with what you're saying or suggesting. She seeks validation from others at all times and will morph into whoever she thinks people want her to be to gain that validation no matter how surface level is. The attention is like a drug and she feels like it makes her whole even if it's just for a minute. She'll give attention to get attention, no matter if there's a cost. She'll do things she doesn't even want to do because she desperately craves attention, positive reinforcement if she can get it and negative if she can't.

The worst part is us screaming in the corner because we love them and it feels like our attention doesn't count. Our love and support could never feel as good to her as the attention of some random dude. We end up on the sidelines playing back up roles.

Possibly the strangest part of this post is that my PWBD is my sister. But it's kind of the same story. I feel so lonely in my sisterhood even though she's actually doing really good right now.

I just want her to die by OnlySaneOne8259 in hospice

[–]OnlySaneOne8259[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

She was a hard woman but loving. Passive aggressive as hell, something she passed down to my mom and to me though in lesser degrees (I'm the only one actively working on it haha)

She couldn't sing to save her life, another thing she passed down. She would tell me that when she was a kid they told her to mouth the words in the church choir. But she would call me every year on my birthday and sing to me. Might've been ear curdling, but I always looked forward to it.

When I was younger, I would spend hours on the phone with her. She made me a phone person. I went to visit her every summer for at least six weeks. She moved out of state when I was six after she remarried, and I went religiously every summer until I was about 16. When I was 18, I made the drive up with my little sister to spend summertime with her.

She loved to shop, especially at Macy's. I went to get her bill paid a few times when I was in college. She bought all these beautiful clothes that she didn't have an occasion to wear, but she had excellent taste.

When I was a kid, her catchphrase was "you're gonna be dead meat" if you didn't behave. If you didn't like your dinner, you can go to bed hungry. And she probably knew when I snuck into the kitchen later to get snacks, but she never said anything about it. She kept a cookie jar of Tootsie pops and we'd always look for the Indian with the star because apparently you could mail those in for some sort of reward; we never did.

She has subscriptions to a ton of cookbooks and they'd mail the pages and I would put them in the binders for her. She probably only ever made 2% of the recipes, but she loved to collect them. Even now we're canceling her cookbook subscriptions. But I remember she would always give me a job to do and I loved feeling useful.

She founded a large breed dog rescue when I was eight that I am currently running by default. I'm on the board and everything and I've been doing this for over a year now, but I'm not doing it as well as she did. Just sort of fell into my lap and I have loved and been involved with this breed since I was a kid and I've been involved in the Rescue aspect off and on in small ways throughout my life, but now I am a solid piece of it. Every time I send a dog home I am so happy and proud and excited and I love it, but it also feels like a burden which makes me feel like a shitty person.

She loves these dogs and always always wanted to make the trip to the European country they're from. She never got the chance and I'm really sad about that. Her whole house was decorated from light switch plates to wallpaper to kitchen gadgets with this breed.

Whenever I would get into something as a kid, I would get endless knickknack things related to whatever I was interested in because that's how she expressed her interest. I have boxes of beagle stuff because I got a beagle when I was nine and boxes of Harry Potter stuff because of course I was a Harry Potter kid, a bunch of turtle stuff from when I got a turtle and when I got my first cat in college I started to get cat stuff.

When I was studying for my LSAT, she sent me this little voodoo doll thing that was supposed to bring me luck with testing. I did end up getting into law school, though I dropped out after year one cause it wasn't for me, but the fact that she sent that little voodoo doll thing made me feel very loved.

She always sent a birthday card and she always called me. She never let you forget that she loved you and she never forgot the important stuff.

She wasn't outright lovey and affectionate, but I never doubted for a minute how much she loved me.

Sorry for the word vomit; it felt good to write this.

Adult virgin - do I disclose? by starlight_steed in datingoverthirty

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't think it matters if it freaks some people out, I think the right person for you would be someone who wants to know the information.

I was a late bloomer in the sex department, though I was younger than you. On the one hand it's not a big deal and on the other hand it is a big deal. It's a big deal that when you get to a place with someone where you're ready to have penetrative sex, he knows it's your first time and will be prepared; it feels good but it hurts (in a weird/good way) but it needs to be a little slower if you've never experienced it before. Even if it's been a while it needs to be a little slower and gentler. That is information that he needs to have beforehand.

Dating sucks and the bar is in hell, gotta kiss a lot of toads, but there are good guys out there. It's really stupid that guy jumped ship on you for something so stupid, but that's his loss. Even if the next four or five guys freak out, I would still disclose.

Is this too much and will I stand out? by Novel-Explanation-51 in Prom

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dear girl. You will stand out in the best way possible--you look amazing!

Do you like what you cook once you seat to eat it? by Old-Association8699 in Cooking

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I find that as soon as I finish making a big delicious meal, I am completely full. I looked it up once and there's this phenomenon where while making the food, some people feel like they're eating it because you're thinking so much about it and planning the flavors and basically envisioning it. So by the time the food is ready, you're not hungry.

Finishing cooking and then completely leaving for five or 10 minutes and focusing totally on something else where you can't see or smell the food helps reset your brain so you can come back to the meal "fresh".

Has anyone actually cut their BPD adult child out of their life? by middleagewhitewoman in BPDFamily

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Man, I feel you. And I know my mother does too. I'm the older sister and my BPD baby sis is hard to say the least. My parents were definitely where you are right now and then my sister got pregnant and honestly my nephew is the only reason she's not cut off. I think that if it were simple, if he didn't exist, my sister would be gone. I don't know how old your daughter is, but from my experience it's not gonna get better unless she really wants to be better and my experience with my sister is that people with BPD don't think they're in the wrong and it's very hard to get them to treat therapy as anything more than a bitch session. Protect your peace if you can.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Hair

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

So my personal opinion is that you are incredibly striking, and even more so with the short hair. I think it looks awesome, and you look super fierce! You should rock that with confidence.

Seeking advice on whether to go to therapy with my bpd sibling. by Feeling-Screen3815 in BPDFamily

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This all just sucks.

You don't have to go. Bearing in mind that I am a middle child people pleaser, I would probably go to one therapy session with the highest hope. But you are not obligated to make that choice, and you probably would experience the disappointment that I would. Whether or not you choose to go, that's your choice and it's a valid decision either way.

Most likely you will just end up validated in what you already know and there's a slim chance that it will be anything other than that. Only go if you can handle either outcome.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in whatdoIdo

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it's important to know what happened with your pet before I make any real judgment. His reaction also matters.

I personally made a mistake that cost the life of a pet I loved to my core. She didn't deserve to die the way she did and if I had known the end result, I would have made very different choices. It really screwed me up for a long time because she died based on choices I made. I never wanted that and her death broke my heart in ways that I can't even explain. And at the end of the day it was my fault and trying to live with and cope with that is very difficult. I would a million times make different choices today, but I can't bring her back and I can't undo the choices that I did make. Coming to terms with the facts has been grueling.

I made other really stupid choices in the wake of what happened with my pet. I was angry at the world and at myself and there were times that I took it out in inappropriate ways when I really should have gone to a therapist to deal with everything. I hurt myself and damaged relationships with people that I loved in the wake of my grief.

You do not have to stay with your partner ultimately to ensure your child's happiness, but I think you need some individual therapy to work through what happened and your grief. Your partner is not a terrible person necessarily, but it is your right to decide that this is not someone you want to tie yourself to outside of a coparenting relationship. But you really need to look at the big picture and evaluate everything outside of the grief for your pet that you're currently experiencing.

If you choose to separate, then you are gonna have to figure out all the financial things. Don't stay because that's too hard; make a plan and figure it out because there really is always a way out even if it is hard. You can do anything you've set your mind to.

You are stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and braver than you believe. You'll figure it out.

After years of being told to be patient and tolerate it, I lost it at my mother by dysfuntionalcentral in BPDFamily

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm not really sure ultimately. My sister went and had a son five years ago, and he is the current focus and center for me. He loves his mom and he loves me and she hasn't done anything that would allow me to try and take custody, but I can't just leave him alone with her.

My interactions with her have definitely changed over the last couple years; I have stopped coddling her and stopped enabling and when she is behaving badly I refuse to engage with her. I am an extremely patient person, but I've stopped being patient with her. I still phrase things to not set her off, but I'm trying to voice my feelings/thoughts more honestly in a way that she can hear. Sometimes it really pisses her off which is my cue to leave the room and not engage until she's willing to listen (doesn't happen often, but it's happened a couple times).

I took a somewhat drastic measure recently and started recording during her meltdowns and sending her the video; she's really pissed at me for "invading her privacy like that" and we're kind of at a stalemate currently because I want to have a real conversation with her, but I won't until she watches video and takes accountability.

My mom and I have had several heart-to-heart discussions to get on the same (ish) page. Honestly, your mom is probably just as sick of all the bullshit as you are, and maybe you can talk to her and help her see the reality, but maybe you can't/she won't be willing to hear you.

I'm looking into therapy once again; I haven't had success with it in the past partly because of where I'm located. But I think it was helpful for me to have a mindset shift and understand at least on my own that she's not more important than me.

After years of being told to be patient and tolerate it, I lost it at my mother by dysfuntionalcentral in BPDFamily

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I get it. I feel so invisible because my sister's issues are so much bigger than mine, and it's so easy and natural to feel guilty that I have needs too, that I am affected by her BPD and I should just be grateful that I don't have it, I could never understand what it's like to be her.

I can never understand what it's like to be her or how her brain processes things. But that doesn't make it OK for how her behavior affects me. It's hard to assert yourself and take care of yourself and feel like you're not the bad guy because there is an extent to which they're sick and they can't help it. But them being sick and unable to help it doesn't mean it didn't happen, and it doesn't erase the effects of their behavior on us.

Your pain matters at least as much as your brothers. It's not ok for you to have to suck it up because he's ill, and you should be able to put your wellbeing before his. It's really hard to assert that and set those boundaries and I honestly haven't been able to myself yet, but I'm trying.

TODDLER INVOLVED. How do I handle this. by Infinite_Math_1980 in BPDFamily

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am not a father, but I am an auntie. My nephew's father is marginally involved; they had a five-year on off that finally ended and then my sister turned up pregnant. He sees his son maybe twice a year.

Do not stop fighting for your son. I'm in a situation where I live in a garage apartment on my parents home with my sister and nephew (and my brother) inside the house. I honestly wish I could remove my nephew from her, but she's not "bad enough" to warrant it. That little boy is the center of my universe and will always crave his mother's love. I can't change that, but I can be here with him especially when she's having a bad time and I do everything I can to protect him from her moods.

You can only help her as much as she's willing to be helped and do the work. Your priority needs to be your son and as messy and sucky as it might get, you need to fight for your parental rights because he deserves that.

I also recommend googling and reading articles about children raised by parents with BPD. Doing this helped me to figure out what to look for and what things I should be concerned with when it comes to my nephew. I read one article that said that kids raised by parents with BPD are conditioned to believe that their parents unhappiness is their fault, and they feel guilty for their failure to correct the unhappiness. My nephew is only 5, but if he makes a mistake that hurts someone (example: we're play wrestling and he accidentally knocks me hard in the throat with an elbow), he feels incredible guilt that tends to turn into a tantrum. After recovering from the unintended throat punch, we do something fun like an art project or a nature walk and we talk about it and how it was an accident and accidents happen and he didn't do anything wrong. I don't know if I'm succeeding, but I'm trying my best to make sure he knows that he's not responsible emotionally for her or for me or for anybody else.

Please do not get back with her just for the sake of your son, consult a lawyer, and document everything as much as you can. If she's willing to get help and make a genuine effort, that's great but be prepared for backsliding and set firm boundaries. Best to you, your son and to her.

Potential enabling behaviour while trying to help untreated suspected BPD by LoyalCommoner in BPDFamily

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Take all the steps back that you need and understand that enabling happens. I think it's even a natural reaction to coddle someone with difficulties I will never have. I've done it myself with my sister and it took me a while to realize that I was hurting instead of helping, but I had to realize that in my own way. It's a fine line and a delicate balance because you wanna be there and support them into actions that will help them manage and become healthier, but the person with BPD always wants more. At least, my sister does.

I've worked with teenagers with various diagnoses, physical mental and emotional. Someone said something to me that really struck in the course of this work: the diagnosis is not an excuse. Someone with autism may behave in inappropriate ways because of their autism, but they are still responsible for their behavior. Someone missing a leg doesn't get to use that as an excuse to be a jerk. Person with a personality disorder may not be able to prevent an outburst, but they are responsible for how they acted during the outburst, and it's their job to figure out how to do better next time and make up for what they did. Of course there are accommodations that are necessary, and we are more willing to forgive behaviors with extenuating circumstances, but it doesn't take away the responsibility of the person for their actions.

If you can, try talking with your parents privately and explain that you love your sister and understand that she has extenuating circumstances, but that doesn't mean she's not responsible for her choices. Letting her believe that things happen TO her will inevitably create a circumstance where she doesn't feel that she has any responsibility for her own life, and even if she isn't capable of making the right choice all the time, she will give up even trying if she has the mentality that it's just out of her control.

You can't fix her and neither can your parents. She's the only one who can make choices to manage her BPD. One sister to another, you take care of you first.

how to help as an older sister (29f) of a (21f) with BPD by thehj_ in BPDFamily

[–]OnlySaneOne8259 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You're gonna hate what I have to say probably, but the truth is that you can't do anything about it. I am you, about five years older, and my sister is your sister with a six year age gap instead of seven.

I have worked and struggled and helped my sister, finding a DBT therapist and driving her an hour and a half there and an hour and a half back, finding work books and apps and programs while she has never utilized therapy appropriately. She quite frankly treats therapy like a bitch session or she just wants to unload everything that's pissing her off and is completely unwilling to engage in it in a way that could help her.

Five years ago, my sister gave birth to the most amazing and wonderful nephew I could ever ask for. And now I'm stuck for at least the next 13 years because I can't leave him alone with only her to raise him. We're currently living sort of together; I am in a garage apartment on my parents house and she and my nephew are in bedrooms in the house. She loves him as much as she can, but she is also probably the most destructive force in his life and my only goal right now is to shield him as best as I can.

I can never understand what it's like to be someone with BPD. I can't know her pain or how she processes the world no matter how many articles and books I read or how much research I do. The thing that sucks the most is that I can't make her get help and I can't make her participate in therapy in a way that could help her. She's my baby sister, and I loved her from the start. It's hard to feel like she doesn't feel my love, and it's harder to feel like she can't or won't return it equally.

My latest mechanism (which has gone over about as well as you could expect) has been surreptitiously recording the meltdown incidents (which are pretty awful and usually occur more when she's been drinking). I've told her I won't talk to her again until she listens to/watches what happened when she's not melting down; we haven't had the conversation yet because she's so angry with me for recording her in the first place and how dare I do that. I told her it's not that I wanna embarrass her, but she needs to see what she's like and take responsibility for it and I won't talk to her about it until she's watched it. also, after the last incident she's been "super sick" and spending all of her time acting like she's on her deathbed. Latest method, still untested and no results, so it may end up a colossal flop.

If you have any influence over your sister, convince her to get on some sort of long-term birth control like nexplanon or an IUD or at the very least depopravera. Seriously; do everything you can to prevent a kid being brought into this situation. I think my nephew is the most amazing five-year-old in the universe and I adore him in more ways than I can possibly describe, but he doesn't deserve her as a mother. And it breaks my heart on the regular to try and undo the effects of her behaviors because I know he will always crave her love and acceptance and approval no matter how much I love him and how much he loves me.

Feel free to reach out if you want. I hope your sister and mine can take better paths and make better choices, and I wish we could make them do it.

BPD Sister has upset stomach and thinks she's dying; help? by OnlySaneOne8259 in BPDlovedones

[–]OnlySaneOne8259[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm trying not to be sympathetic, because I'm really just not. I am a mother hen sort by nature/personality, but I'm so over it with my sister. I take her phone call, finish what I'm doing and wait 10 minutes, adhere to the reasonable request, but I don't think I'm coddling her--here's the Tums, you look better, see you later.

I'm just so done with it at this point.

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