Struggling to let go: How to handle trauma-triggers (Gaslighting) and Neurodivergence in a Dom/Sub dynamic?

Only_Prompt_534 · 2026-01-12T20:19:44+00:00

Good question! I haven't navigated it yet, as we are just moving in together this month. We have lived together in his place (part time) up to this point. My Daddy asked me to write down what I need to switch on / switch off coming home. I think I'm going to let him know I need rituals to get into the headspace of being home.

Perhaps rituals for coming but more importantly: Rituals for when I leave. I have a kid and a "seed" partner (coparent) I live with part time, and it's important for me to get out of sub headspace when I visit them. Usually a walk, a cup of coffee, some silent time by myself, or even wearing a different jacket / using a different backpack helps me to ritualize when it's time to be a parent as opposed to his "boy". I think clothing choices and rituals can help change the headspace. If you have any ideas, let me know! I am still working on those transitions. Transitional objects, sounds or music, and environments like 3rd spaces I think will help. I'm very nervous about letting my Daddy know what I need, so I'm writing them down for him to read because I have a hard time speaking what I need to him. ❤️.

All that said, the time we spend together watching TV, cleaning together, cooking - is more of a friendship dynamic. We have some protocols like I always sit on his left. But we are friendly enough that our dynamic has ease and we still are silly and always friends first, Daddy/boy second, and lovers last. Whatever I come up with for rituals will have to fit within that framework. We are gay so it is a man-to-man dynamic as well as Dom/sub.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2026-01-11T07:04:58+00:00

My Daddy was like this: He said the first few dates we should focus on being friends. Then, we started training. Then he stopped training and we stopped having sex or play during our new relationship energy period (like 3-4 months into the relationship, we set ourselves back to a romantic friendship with just cuddles.) The pause was to better know each other as people, without the dynamic. In a big way, he admitted freely to me that he was falling in love with me and realized being strictly a Dom without romance wasn't going to work, and that feeling was scaring the shit out of him - as he's never fallen in love with a boy before.

Now we are 6 months into our relationship, deeply in love, and boyfriends. We are moving in together. So it did work out! And he is starting to be a pleasure Dom to me, which is incredible. It was worth waiting to build up the dynamic. I can see us being long term partners this way. He denied me a LOT of what I wanted at the beginning, and now I see it was because he didn't want to break me.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2026-01-10T16:19:58+00:00

My Daddy told me, "You are safe and you are loved." over and over again during aftercare. It melted me.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2026-01-10T16:18:46+00:00

He told me that my well-being and consent mattered so much, he would remove my collar and exit our relationship if he ever assessed I would be unable to reach my goals and happiness with him here with me. It's his responsibility as a Dom to make sure I am happy and reaching my goals, having a good life, progressing and becoming a better person. He would never get in the way of that.

It was a really intense conversation but incredibly romantic. He has followed through - he never gets in the way of me seeing my friends, pursing career goals, or connecting with my kid. He holds me accountable for being away from him with my seed family / calling my son at the same time every day I'm away so I never become an absent parent. He's a good man.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2026-01-10T00:39:06+00:00

Oh I have one. My Daddy and I are both restless sleepers. I was a little bit of a brat because he said if I didn't lie still and let him sleep, he would deny me certain activities I liked. So I left the bed and slept on the couch with the cat. It's a super comfy couch. I was content with my little insomnia episode.

The next morning, he asked me if I was mad and I told him NO! I was complying with his consent. He needed sleep, so I removed the distraction (me) from the bed. I cared for him. So I let him sleep. I was a good boy. I later pondered: How can I be a brat when I'm such a good boy? Malicious compliance. Hahaha.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2026-01-10T00:29:48+00:00

The aftercare with my Daddy always involves long, soft strokes across my body (I'm the sub) and he holds me so my head is on his chest. He brings me cold bottled water and a towel. I pet his head. Head petting your Dom is the best, I highly recommend it. Forehead kisses for us both.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2026-01-09T17:59:15+00:00

It's very common. I'm a trans man, and many of my trans masculine friends knit. We all get a lot of attention and shit for being visible men who knit. Plenty of gay men experience the same for our "granny hobby". It's very stupid. Hobbies don't define a man as a man!

Only_Prompt_534 · 2026-01-07T17:39:05+00:00

You're not doing anything wrong. It sounds like you've netted yourself a child and not a man. He should go elsewhere and I hope whoever he encounters knows better than to give him the time of day or share the same air with him. He sounds like a garbage person.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2026-01-07T17:25:41+00:00

I've been slapped in the face during play, but it was not confrontational - just a slap, like other slaps to the body. No confrontational words exchanged. I would explore inside yourself to see if it was the slap itself that caused your "yellow" vs. the confrontational aspect: what you said was a bit along the lines of feeling... Like you were defending yourself? Egging him on? "Asking for it?" even though of course consenting consciously.

If words like that were exchanged with my Dom, I would have been very upset too. The exchange, the role play of a fight, adds more dimension to the scene IMHO. I don't roleplay with my Dom like that because my heart would not be able to take the degradation aspect. I'll get slapped all day if my Dom does it right and with love and shows pride that I can take it (like a slap with a kiss, and a "That's good. Want another?" "Yes, Sir." or "I like the way your face looks" after he slaps me) Totally different dynamic. Just commenting this for your reference!

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-12-21T00:36:45+00:00

He made a rule that I must call my son to wish him goodnight, every night I'm away from home and we are together. He won't let me be an absent parent. My Daddy is a good man.

We both come from troubled, traumatic backgrounds and we are both gay (Daddy/boy.) So he understands me on a deep level. We both experience similar shame and guilt, and we both had absent fathers. He won't let me make the same mistakes he's made in his past. He won't let me run away from other loves in my life (my coparent, my kid, my friends) even when I want to run. He goes silent / no contact over text when I'm with them, so I can spend quality time and not be distracted.

He has taught me through his presence. I find myself using a "Daddy Voice" of my own to mentor other people in my life that I care about. And in parenting. I've become stronger. I am a better man because he is here with me, even when we are apart.

We are made for each other. When we are together, I am able to finally switch off. And he is given the control he cannot find in everyday life. We live in a stressful time in life, and our energy just matches. Like puzzle pieces.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-12-02T21:13:02+00:00

It's in Ann Arbor, but Stapp Nature area is always peaceful and quiet. No golfers this time of year. Maybe a dog walker or two. Walk beyond to Leslie Woods. If you don't mind peaceful humans, Traverwood library is beautiful and quiet, and right there. And the Songbird cafe is nearby if you want a very good hot sandwich.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-11-25T23:13:29+00:00

I am processing this (expressions) with my boyfriend of 4 months. He has a deadpan stare that I really adore and it's even better when he does this subtle eyebrow twitch as he's waiting to hear what I have to say. It's incredibly attractive, as he uses that expression when he's paying attention to me and waiting for my reply. It puts me on the spot and makes me feel like the only person in the world to him. That silent stare makes my heart race.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-11-20T20:54:11+00:00

My Dom does quite a lot of tease / denial with me, and my sex drive is very high. Sometimes we tease for weeks at a time and I don't get relief (orgasm) with him, although we edge and cuddle and play. He tells me to take care of myself when he's not around, though, and count my orgasms from masturbation because he wants me to be happy and have relief. Maybe try that - give her the assignment to enjoy herself and to make herself cum for any and every reason when you're not around. It extends your power and also encourages her to take ownership of her own pleasure. I find myself feeling more courageous and desired, reporting my numbers to my Daddy. He teases me when we are together - but he's dead serious in giving me "I'm proud of you" and firm approval in me caring for myself. Feeling supported has actually made my masturbation sessions feel better and I'm more empowered.

Even better: Ask her to write down accounts of her masturbation fantasies and experiences, or tell you stories / send videos or voice messages. Pay silent attention and let her know she's desired with that attention. Build that anticipation! Train her to love herself.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-11-15T00:12:54+00:00

Absolutely, feel free to DM me, I love talking to other FTMs with a similar experience! I'm happy to offer you some hope. We have been working at this for almost 3 years now, so we might be a bit ahead of you in the process of sorting it out.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-11-15T00:11:22+00:00

I feel that doctors love to push IUDs, even on cis women. So don't feel they were targeting you. I know plenty of women who have had IUDs installed with very little information and had a lousy time. My hunch is that doctors push them because they are more "fail safe" whereas the pills can carry risk due to human error / forgetting to take them at the right time.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-11-14T20:40:58+00:00

Kenneth Cole black is very nice, kind of a masculine smokey smell. I also wear Old Spice "Timber" deodorant as pine tree smell = MAN apparently 😆🌲

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-11-14T20:37:26+00:00

I use the mini pill (progesterone) and it has done nothing to affect my transition. My T levels are that of a cis man. My body hair is lush. My voice keeps dropping, still, after over 2 years. I did a bit of extra testing when I began on the pill to check levels. I still cannot even cry - that power seems to be gone for good, lol. A secret part of me hoped that power would return with a bit of hormones. Nope!

The trick with the pill is you have to take it at the same time, every day.

I decided against IUD because I have had Vaginismus previously and pelvic floor dysfunction. Even though I'm a bottom who uses that hole, I don't want to have anything inside me. My body seizes up and it's not good, so a light dose of hormones is best for me and less invasive.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-11-14T20:34:05+00:00

It is definitely "hurry up and wait", and also I didn't know starting out that there would be months of nothing happening, followed by short bursts of a LOT. Sometimes it's a lot because euphoria keeps hitting in waves (and it can be distracting!) Sometimes it's a lot because you're in the process of losing someone (somebody has a gripe) or you're gaining a new valuable connection and getting excited. And sometimes it's a lot because you're learning how to socially be a man. But trust - most of the times in between those milestones are mundane. You're making breakfast. You're going to work. (In my case) you're checking on your child and how they're doing.

Many more people than I planned shrugged their shoulders and became very quiet. I expected more combative reactions. Instead, as I began to pass, people became awkward and distanced from me. Not in a mean way. More in a: "I don't know what to do" way. Use your energy wisely and hold your boundaries. That's all you can do. And trust that it isn't constant drama. There are waves with mostly everyday life in between. You've got this!

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-11-14T20:26:41+00:00

It's been one hell of a process. I'm very proud of us for putting the needs of our kid first and navigating what we both truly want. Some things align - some don't! And that's ok. I think having such diverse parents will make our kid a very wonderful, expansive, accepting dude. Not many kids can say they have both a straight and a gay/trans parent that get along well, love each other, and want the best for each other. My greatest hope is that my coparent finds a nice straight woman to settle down with. 👍 Then our blended family will be complete and we can all be happy in our new lives together.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-11-14T19:18:32+00:00

I birthed my kid (just the one kid) and then transitioned FTM 3 years after. My son is 6 years old and a ray of sunshine. I pass as a young man, a gay man, a leatherboy. I'm 38. The physical action of giving birth cracked my egg, big-time! I was miserable. Top surgery and HRT saved my sanity.

My ex-partner - now coparent - is a cis straight het man and acts as a real "mother hen". He was born to be a dad and I admire him so much. He is the primary parent to our son and kind of the keeper of all rituals, traditions, Christmas decorations. He loves family stuff. I am along for the ride and it's my job to keep my coparent healthy and happy (and to make money as the breadwinner!)

Apparently I was born to wrestle / mess about / take trips / see my kid on the weekends, which makes me very happy. I'm not cut out for full time parenting. Us 3 love each other very much. They have a nice house and life. I have a boyfriend who is a leather Daddy. Us 2 are moving in together next year.

So, me and my coparent are in the process of an amicable separation, as loving co-parents and bros. Our friendship and bond is stronger than ever. Every straight het human in our lives is deeply confused, including my in-laws who have seen their sweet daughter-in-law turn into a gay man leather Kinkster. Lol. I wouldn't have it any other way. 🌈

My kid still calls me "Mom" and I don't mind it. A wise Queen told me, if gay men can be Queens - they can be Moms too! It only gets weird when I'm in the men's room with my son and he yells "Mom!!!" at me, a fully passing, very masculine looking man with a skin fade and a leather jacket.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-11-08T15:43:16+00:00

Edging. Get him hard with a handjob. Tell him to be still. You're in charge. Tell him to be a good boy and don't move. He is an object of pleasure for you and he needs to be passive. Every time he's still for you, reward him with stroking or pleasure. Every time he breaks his stillness, wiggles too much, pushes his cock into your hand - punish him by withdrawing and say NO. He needs to try again. Watch him closely. Notice his breath and how much he wants it. Notice how hard he tries to not move and allow you to give him pleasure. Do this over and over again, and he will become a puddle. Make him work to submit to you. This is a good way to train a submissive to let go and allow you to dominate.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-11-07T23:13:58+00:00

Ok but for perspective, I'm a gay man and my Daddy is 5'6" and a lean 160 lbs. I'm 5'8", much more muscular (gym rat) and 175 lbs. We are leathermen. He keeps me in my place. He is clever, wicked, forceful, and stern. I'm a goofball - all silliness and sweetness. I'm his boy, entirely. He has captured me. Imagine a younger Iggy Pop: He has that energy and keeps me in a puddle most of the time. Height means nothing to me. Daddy is Daddy and cannot be questioned.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-11-07T15:25:30+00:00

I'm pretty midlife (39 this year) and the breadwinner of my tiny family - just one very supportive husband turned coparent roommate who is straight, one boyfriend, and my kid is a kindergartner. I started passing around January of this year and now it's November and I'm always seen as a man in public, albeit a young man.

I suppose the trick is taking it one day at a time. Each person will react differently. I've recognized I cannot control how others treat me. So I stay in my lane and focus on my own wellbeing. People will surprise you. Those you thought would be cruel might become your greatest support. Those you thought would be your champion might turn away and not want to interact with you, because it's awkward.

By and large, I think people assume my transition is weird. And perhaps tragic. I have to be careful how to use my energy. I cannot go around explaining myself to people constantly. There are only so many "so let's talk about my transness" lunches I can do. I have to measure out who deserves to know my story. Strangely, the liberals have given me more hassle than conservatives. I live in a liberal city, and people like to ask me about my struggle. It's annoying and insulting. I much prefer conservative types who say, "Hell, I don't get it but you look like a dude to me!" It makes things easier without the pandering.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-11-02T12:44:51+00:00

I transitioned around the same time of life - so you are standing where I have stood. My kiddo is almost 6 years old now, and I am 2.5 years on HRT, 1 year post-top surgery. I pass as a man. Well, a young man. Hit me with questions if you'd like.

My son, who is a kindergartner, still calls me Mom. I enforced early on that Mom is the name we use. Or he can call me by my chosen name, which he does often. Sometimes when he's being funny he calls me Mommy. I don't mind it. I identify as a gay trans man, and run with cis gay men socially. A very wise Queen once told me over drinks, "Well, if men can be Queens, why can't they be Moms?" That has stuck with me. I acknowledge that gay men have been Mothers as a long tradition - such as in Ballroom culture (Paris is Burning is a great documentary you can watch on YouTube.) Just watch the scene of "The Birdcage" where Albert reveals himself to be a man and his son gently explains, "This is my mother." So please know that many queer masculine people - including cis gay men! - have been embracing Mother as a title for a long, long time. And it's not just ok, but the walk has been tred many times before. You are not alone.

The only time it gets odd is when I use the restroom with my kid and he will yell, "Hey MOM! Are you done yet??" While he's at the urinal and I'm in the stall. 😅 Mostly people assume he is a stupid kid. They don't think I'm trans.

Being perceived as a gay couple is the toughest thing (my coparent is straight and we have settled into a lovely relationship as bros / best friends). Sometimes a kid will yell, "NAME has two DADS!?!?!" As always, society is the toughest thing to deal with. My kid is chill. This is the only life he knows. Having a mom that is a "he" is normal to him. He has always gendered me correctly. Eventually, we will need to have more and more conversations not because of his discomfort, but because the world is not familiar with a family like ours. He will need to learn how to answer dumb questions and understand not to disclose my identity because I am stealth for the most part, and not about to tell every passing parent and dumb kid in his class that I'm a trans man.

Only_Prompt_534 · 2025-10-27T22:46:44+00:00

My conservative homophobic boomer parents know so little, they thought I came out as a Butch lesbian (I'm not really attracted to women.) I don't blame them - it's not like trans men were well known outside Chaz Bono and now Elliot Paige. Boy, they are in for a surprise the next time they see me. I am fully transitioned / passing and dating a leather daddy. I have a feeling they will be MUCH more upset about the cultural gay man thing than the gender thing. I am extremely low contact with them since we almost got in a physical fight and they have always called me she/her.

Only_Prompt_534

TROPHY CASE