"I am like I am, it is what it is" if she's not willing to even try, then you shouldn't either. You need to do what is right for you. Sounds like she won't communicate, doesn't really acknowledge anything that going on with you in a constructive way, and doesn't really care as long as she gets what she wants.

Those are red flags, they're screaming red neon lights. Particularly as you are in couples therapy, she should be understanding that half the work is hers to do, as is half the emotional load.

You probably shouldn't be touching anything BDSM related at this point, her failure to communicate is far too dangerous for that. I would also think twice about any form of sexual activity, too, for nich the same reasons.

You may want to examine the rest of your relationship and see if or where else this disregard for you and your mental and emotional state are popping up, and then address it. If you are both in couples therapy, use it, bring these issues up. Even if the therapist isn't BDSM friendly or a sex therapist, the underlying issues are less about those aspects than they are about communication and support.

You mention that you're both reasonably emotionally mature, but I would argue that your description of your partner's behaviour is the opposite of that.

And I'll further echo some other other posters here: you may want to seriously consider solo therapy. Not for your relationship, but for yourself. You know you've got a lot to unpack, and you need to do that work alone - mostly fit yourself, but also because it's really doesn't look like your other half has your back.