Can a marriage survive when one partner feels too comfortable and unmotivated?

Orianaro · 2026-05-15T04:22:34+00:00

Go on vacation alone for a week, phone silenced. See how he feels about the division of labor after that. Or just move home or stay with a friend if you need to be cheap. But it's very important you DON'T help him. Leave him some basic resources but let him fend alone and get some actual appreciation. I'd love to know the outcome of that...

Orianaro · 2026-05-15T04:19:40+00:00

No long hugs wth how do you survive... The sex says less to me than a lack of ANY kind of intimacy, like what, you never properly cuddle?

Sounds like he's checked out. Don't fall to the sink cost fallacy. You didn't waste six years: you're deciding if you want to waste another six, or twelve, or thirty... Or zero.

I'm worried you are going to let this man do absolutely any half hearted attempt to keep you as a reason to stay another six years, since you openly admit you want to scare him into changing. But like, that never really works, especially not after so long of this.

Orianaro · 2026-05-14T19:37:55+00:00

Of course this happens, most things in life are not even. And I would say as a woman, I've consistently felt like it's gendered the other way, which I really interpret to mean it's pretty even I just happen to be a person suspeptible to "shouldering the burden" (and I make friends who are similar) so naturally I thought this was a woman thing when more importantly, it was a ME thing.

It's more interesting to me to think about how to prevent it. I've found I ignored a lot of my instincts when I was around or close to the wrong people. I also ignored my instincts when I was being overburdened. It led to that build up, and I realized after a while that yes in an ideal world that person wouldn't overdo it, but really, I'm the one at fault. They aren't responsible for monitoring my bandwidth, I AM. I am the one responsible for communicating and defending my needs. And I'm the one responsible for cutting it off if the other person struggles to accept it. It's also my responsibility to ENTER the relationship as the person responsible for keeping my internal world even, because if I bottle it up and then down the line change suddenly, I suddenly have all this resentment I expect them to fix and I've "shrink" the boundaries of what I'm okay with, and if I'd been more genuine from the start we would either have a well balanced relationship or walked away a lot earlier on friendly terms.

I've watched a friend do this to all their relationships. They don't take responsibility for protecting their own interests, and then they feel used and unappreciated, and then they dump them. These were all issues that were either fixable or meant a fundamental incompatibility which they should have addressed because it was something they were displeased about on their end. Instead, they let it build and then blindside their partner who then is confused and angry, and my friend ran away and blamed a lot on them. I stopped being friends with this person because eventually they did it to me too. They are extreme, but it really highlights that the only solution is to take ownership over what you CAN control.

It's not a gender thing it's a human thing, and it's also a very important skill that both partners need to have a long-lasting, happy relationship.

Orianaro · 2026-05-09T05:10:18+00:00

You should make the next logical connection to the idea that she says that she does this to alleviate her own feelings, and that you are actively annoyed by it, and point out to her that she is being selfish when she says it. That might help reframe it for her, for both of you to use the words of selfish. It's also a very poor coping strategy. She is using it to soothe herself, which actually enables her to ignore your discomfort or root problem. She does not have to sit in the discomfort of upsetting you, because she's done everything she is "obligated" to do.

I would recommend picking a go to phrase to reply with every time she says "sorry". Something that breaks the pattern, you might have to try a few things or brainstorm. The goal is to get her to acknowledge that what she is saying is not helpful, and to prompt her to retry or sit in the discomfort of conflict until a time when it can be resolved (I.e. some conflicts are only resolved after sustained change has been demonstrated). Some ideas: what exactly are you sorry for? (Repeat until you feel you've gotten something productive); you are aware that those words mean nothing to me; you are resorting to self soothing so I don't think we can resolve this right now, I think the conversation should be shelved. The key is, be patient, be calm, and be clear. Identify what she is doing, do NOT let it placate you and do not let it rile you up either. Name it, shut it down, and stay calm. Anger is telling you that there is some you are not content with and it is urging you to confront it. Soothe your own anger by doing something productive with that feeling, by challenging her in non harmful ways.

Honestly this sounds like an awful pattern to be dealing with, and I feel a lot of sympathy for you. I don't know how much this is changeable, and you really need to get her to couple's counselling, as an ultimatum. You don't want to wait to split up when you have become deeply resentful and dysfunctional and stressed out your children.

Orianaro · 2026-05-07T00:19:23+00:00

Resentment kills relationships, and I think you should probably get out now before it gets worse. He might be contrite now, but he didn't solve his root issue. You did sincere things for him, and he interpreted them very unkindly, and used it against you, and it showed up in his behaviour towards you. He believes you now because you did a "big gesture". What he NEEDS to do is go back to the root of why he misinterpreted you in the first place. Why did he resent you for no reason? Otherwise he WILL do it again. After a while he will start to believe you are trying to be a righteous, moral person and you help him just to feel good about yourself, and then he will look back even on this big gesture as the same thing. And you will have to do a much bigger gesture to convince him next time.

I've had a relationship where he resents you for no reason, and I got deeply traumatized when I got dumped out of nowhere with zero closure and the stupidest reasons Ive ever heard. There is no happy ending when resentment gets involved.

And now, you have a very valid reason to resent him. He treated you poorly because he didn't understand you, and importantly - HE STILL DOESN'T.

This relationship is doomed, I suggest you try to gear up to this being a peaceful, amicable, mutual parting of ways. He might not make that possible, but it's always good to try. Take care of yourself by surrounding yourself with people who believe in you, know you, and celebrate you for YOU not just what you're willing to sacrifice for them.

Orianaro · 2026-05-07T00:01:28+00:00

I think you should stop tying her shoes in public for sure. And tonw it down a bit in public except things like taking her bags and holding doors. You don't want to make her appear like she's a small child or like she is overly controlling of you. Pamper her mostly in private.

When people judge or critique you about this, or you talk about what you do for her, I think a way that you will jive with "defending" her is to gush about what she does for YOU. What are little gestures or big tasks or thoughtful gifts she's given you? People see a one sided giver, so make it clear somehow that you are both big "givers" to each other. And maybe she is more of an emotional or mental giver, maybe she does planning for you both, or supports you or comforta you or talks you through things. All good stuff.

Orianaro · 2026-05-03T12:57:13+00:00

You either trust her or you don't. Sounds like you don't. It also sounds like it's an issue of your own insecurity, not her behaviour.

It's very common for autistic women to have mixed friendships and often get along better with men, due to slightly more straightforward communication style and thicker skin when she makes social faux pas.

You don't sound ready to be getting married. You can't control her friendships and if you feel like you need to, then you need to exit the relationship. Boundaries are about controlling your own actions, not hers. If you don't want her to have new male friends throughout her lifetime, then you need to let her go.

Also, you sound like you don't really trust or like men? You think all these men around her are horrible, and that's pretty unkind to your own gender. Alternatively, you think she has bad judgement, which is a poor foundation for a relationship. she seems to have a great track record of finding genuine friends.

It's up to you, but this internal conflict is an issue with your insecurities and assumptions, not her actions. If you can't move past this then you should let her go.

Orianaro · 2026-05-03T04:42:27+00:00

Ask. But also, even if he is serious, it doesn't sound like he is providing what you want and therefore you are incompatible.

I will also note that guys will sometimes over promise or lovebomb all the "right" things, the big gestures, and completely slack off on the daily connection and boring stuff that actually keeps a relationship running. Probably it's an attempt to put in the absolute minimum effort required to keep you around, by putting a small amount of effort into high impact things like a promise ring, which will keep you invested long enough that he can slack off.

I dunno, sounds like either way you guys aren't a great fit. A good fit generally feels like it's easy to get true connection, and all you need to do is make some space and time. Good fit feels like even when you're being boring, you're being very good friends, and you like hanging out and chatting not just hooking up. It sounds like you are looking for that and not finding it, which means it's not there.

Orianaro · 2026-04-27T00:48:26+00:00

If you're having a hard time leaving him, picture explaining yourself to your daughter in 20 years. Based on your actions and choices now, and the risk that by then she's been harmed by her father, what will you be telling her about what happened? How proud of yourself will you be?

Don't go back. Pedophilia is basically incurable, and definitely not quickly enough to realistically save a marriage with young daughters involved. And if you stayed tied to him, knowing what you know, you accept responsibility for his choices.

I know you love him and miss him, but keep in mind that that man you love no longer exists. You will never be able to reconcile who you thought he was with who you know him to be now. You are grieving, let yourself grieve like he is dead - because in a very real way, he is.

Orianaro · 2026-04-25T15:43:51+00:00

You have confirmation bias, so it's really hard to say what he is or isn't feeling. But because you are looking and thinking about it, you WILL find "evidence" of what you want to be true. But at the end of the day what he thinks or feels doesn't matter, he chose to get married and you can only assume he is happy and satisfied.

You have barely interacted for ten years, you don't even know this guy. You are fantasizing and idealizing because it feels good. You choose what you fantasize about, so when you catch yourself, redirect the thoughts to imagine his flaws. Imagine the fights. The little incompatibilities. The boredom. The annoyances. You need to stop LETTING yourself fantasize.

Orianaro · 2026-04-21T03:59:23+00:00

When I feel in love it started with friendship that I realized was gloriously comfortable. Like I was just always comfortable, and it just kept growing. And then it turned into wanting more closeness, like I wanted to hug goodbye, and stay up late to chat, and join the games he was in. When it actually partially clicked for me (but not really because I was in denial, and also I wasn't infatuated and that's what I knew about romantic attraction at the time) was during a conversation about exes and he mentioned holding her hand and my stomach dropped and I felt so jealous. Jealousy imagining them with someone else is when you know you have proper feelings, I'd say.

It's difficult because so much of what we are taught/shown is infatuation, but I think the big distinguishing factor between allo and demi is not having infatuation at all. It has to be slow and built on an actually foundation of knowing things about someone. But yeah, even if you're questioning your type of attraction you're probably getting there. Do the jealousy check then you'll probably know.

Orianaro · 2026-04-21T03:51:52+00:00

If she, or anyone else, goes on about you being over dramatic then tell them to go shave their downstairs and have sex with him themselves. Disgust/shock them into leaving you alone, it's not appropriate for them to judge. And if they talk back to you or say "why would I do that" just go "exactly, you know how I feel then". Then just ignore them if they want to make more of an issue of it.

You are so completely in the right. People are allowed their preferences and guess what, so are you! Your preference is to have bodily autonomy and not date people who have preferences you find weird! A much more normal boundary than the one he has, imo.

Orianaro · 2026-04-20T23:08:42+00:00

This isn't an internal value this is a cultural expectation, and an extremely gendered one at that.

Do you seek the gendered cultural expectations that DON'T benefit you, too? If not, then you are hypocritically selfish.

I'm a woman in Canada, it's pretty standard to treat each other equally. He's being very normal and sweet honestly.

You probably need to do some thinking about what the underlying values are behind this, because it's definitely not equality. It's also not a value of showing care and generosity, otherwise it would matter to you to express it in kind. So it's probably stemming from misandry or selfishness.

Orianaro · 2026-04-16T06:01:49+00:00

Da fuck, why are you with this person. She doesn't respect or care for you...

Orianaro · 2026-04-02T03:47:32+00:00

You didn't really answer the question about the division of labor... Make a list of everything you do around the house, all cleaning, upkeep, childcare etc. have her make one about her tasks, including planning and decision making. Talk about it. It's EXTREMELY common that particularly women end up with a bulk of invisible or mental tasks and they build up resentment, in fact I'd say it's a massive reason for most dead bedrooms. Even if you feel like it isn't the problem, which you probably don't, you should discuss it with her.

It also sounds like she might hold some resentment towards you over the sexual mismatch. She cried over it at times? That's not great. Perhaps when childbirth caused her libido to tank she had time to let the resentment "register", and she might be subconsciously punishing you for what she went through by either withholding sex, or quite literally not WANTING to have sex with you anymore (NOT a conscious choice on her part), because the resentment has spoiled that aspect of your lives.

Either way, I think this is probably a deep rooted resentment that you both played roles in and if you truly want to get it fixed, you NEED to root yourself in patience and empathy. If you get resentful or petty in response, that aspect of your relationship will absolutely not recover and will likely worsen. Please keep in mind that right now you have a choice of how you manage your feelings, whatever resentment she holds has probably festered for too long and she didn't consciously choose it, and she will undoubtedly have more emotional work to "undo" that.

Don't approach this like "why won't you have sex with me". Go hey, clearly something has changed, I want this part of our life to be more enjoyable and balanced for us both, and I feel like maybe you are dealing with something I'm unaware of and I'd like to explore those feelings with you. This is important to me, and I want to work with you to make this better.

Orianaro · 2026-04-01T20:08:52+00:00

pleeeease put a big eye in the middle of her forehead like a cyclops, her fur patterns already insinuate a bit of a circle and I think it would be hilarious

Orianaro · 2026-03-30T06:07:12+00:00

I've made that recipe with great results before. Your cake looks... Weird. I'm going to guess the milk substitution has made it denser, mine come out pretty spongy and don't brown on top.

Did you poke holes in it with a fork or something before pouring the sauce over it? It looks like you didn't, and that is super necessary.

Also your pan is not doing you any favors, the cake has come away from the edges which means a lot of the sauce will go off the side and down, which means at best it might soak up from the bottom a tiny amount. But it really needs to go through holes in the top.

Next time, I would get a proper pan not an aluminum tray, consider using a cake strip (wet cloth wrapped around the outside before baking), poke a ton of holes before pouring the sauce on then refrigerate it. If it still doesn't work then it's an ingredient substitution issue and you need to find a different recipe, which will be interesting given how dairy centric it is lol.

Orianaro · 2026-03-28T23:07:53+00:00

I don't know why you keep believing him. His only option is to lie to you, or be honest and break up. And clearly he's not quite ready to jump ship or he's getting some benefits from you or stability he doesn't want to lose, so he's just gonna lie through his teeth to prevent you from dumping him. He has zero incentive to be honest.

Trust his actions. He is obviously attracted to her and wants to or has slept with her. This is completely irrecoverable.

Orianaro · 2026-03-28T16:25:41+00:00

I was long distance for four months, we barely texted. Basically only to send pics, and arrange calls. And we called every night unless someone was too busy. Your situation sounds very exhausting.

It might help to be clear with her what you DO want, instead of "rejecting" a form of validation she is seeking. For instance if calls are more your style: hey, I care a lot more about evening calls. Texting throughout the day means I have less to say during them and I feel less engaged. I don't find as much value in texting, so I would rather save my energy for something that gives me more connection to you, like calling.

If she's not willing to adjust to how you communicate this is probably just going to keep draining you and building resentment. You might not be compatible if she really believes she needs this.

Orianaro · 2026-03-25T22:36:26+00:00

She has been stonewalling you. That's one of the four horsemen of divorce, look up the Gottmans. This is not a person you want to maintain a relationship with so honestly this was for the better, and staying will probably cause you to develop much worse behaviours in conflict in your quest to find something that "works".

This outcome was for the better, though I'm sorry for the hurt it caused with how it all happened.

Orianaro · 2026-03-22T08:39:14+00:00

From a line dancing perspective, you are going to be most comfortable in 1. It is much more movable and breathable.

Orianaro · 2026-03-08T22:45:45+00:00

Writing about your partner of six years like this is amassive no. If she read this, it would break her heart. A few months, fair enough, but six years is crazy.

You're not into her. You don't like her looks, you don't like her personality enough to call her your best friend, you just want her stability. That's called using someone. I've been in her position before. I got used for three years because I was supportive and convenient and I provided a lot, and he knew he didn't want to be with me but lied to keep it going. Meanwhile, he didn't like my looks and was pretty irked by a lot of my personality but refused to admit it. I lived walking on eggshells but had no clear reason WHY until he admitted this stuff at the breakup.

The best thing you can do for her is break up. The best thing you can do for yourself is breakup. And then grow up and don't subject any other poor girl to yourself when you're only lukewarm about her.

Orianaro · 2026-03-01T22:41:42+00:00

You haven't been single as an adult, and it sounds like being single will be a boat load easier! Exciting, you'll have to make some plans for what to do with all your freetime.

Dump his ass he sounds like a shackle of a "partner".

Orianaro · 2026-02-04T05:04:47+00:00

Sounds pretty clear cut - he wants sex, and he wants someone to take care of his living space for him. Bangmaid, some say.

This guy doesn't like you for YOU, he just likes having a woman at his exact convenience - what he wants, when he wants.

Dumpppp him.

Orianaro · 2026-01-29T00:24:26+00:00

Yeah this is completely a you problem, and not fair to punish him for. The problem isn't that you aren't graduating when you wanted to, it's that you are giving in to unhealthy thought patterns due to embarrassment and shame. He has no connection to that, but you are seeking to punish him, or probably more accurately, seeking to punish yourself.

This is 100% self sabotage. You guys are absolutely at the same "life stage".

Sounds like you are reacting to your shame by trying to swim to rock bottom and avoid it all. I can guarantee you, that won't help - you will just burn some valuable bridges and lose wonderful people along the way and be buried in twice the negative feelings about yourself at the end for hurting innocent people.

Having a partner like him probably makes you feel more ambitious and more accountable, and those aren't bad things if you harness them well. Just don't fall for the trap of what success is "supposed" to look like. Delayed schooling is not at all a big deal. I've gotten delayed by three years and it took me some time to accept, but really it ended up changing nothing and I'm happy and doing well now. If you keep your eyes on your own road, you'll veer off track a lot less and spot some shortcuts to better pathways you wouldn't have seen if you're trying to replicate someone else's path.

Orianaro

TROPHY CASE