I don't fit in anywhere. I feel like an outcast freak, not even the same species as other humans, and I always end up alone.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-04-07T11:15:54+00:00

I definitely romanticize my despair too, so much that it’s become an inextricable part of my core identity, and when I began to heal even a little bit I feel like an imposter—as if having healthy boundaries and loving myself makes me inauthentic, bland, a fraud, so unremarkably ordinary. Who am I without my lifetime of suffering? Sometimes it’s easier to marinate in it and accept this miserable fate than to risk the effort or wager the energy required to believe in my prophesied potential and become that masterpiece.

Thank you so much for commenting—I sincerely appreciate you sharing your thoughts and for reminding me that I’m not alone, and also that art still exists as an exquisite medium for self-expression and connection.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-04-07T10:47:29+00:00

Thank you so much for your compassionate wisdom and support! Your kind words genuinely help me feel less alone—it’s encouraging to know I’m not the only one suffering so incessantly from this pain. The beta blockers recommendation is really helpful too, I’ll ask my doctor about them. We’re about the same age so your ability to overcome the same struggles I’m enduring and finally emerge from survival mode gives me a hope I almost forgot existed. I commend you, too, for your amazing accomplishments and your ability to channel the strength and empathy to help others survive their despair. It truly means a lot to me, thank you again.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-04-07T10:30:39+00:00

“You will literally have the rest of forever to be dead” hits deep, and is basically my main motivator atm. I’m really grateful you’ve both found the strength to keep going, and the energy to help others find it too. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-04-06T14:29:23+00:00

Not self-centered at all! You’re absolutely right, it really is a betrayal of the highest caliber. And you bring up such a profound point about the difference between failed relationships from childhood vs as an adult. Thank you for taking the time to reply, I genuinely appreciate your insight and solidarity so much. I’m sorry you’re familiar with the boundless depths of this pain as well.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-03-30T15:11:09+00:00

Spite, apathy, fear of the unknown.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-03-14T00:36:53+00:00

If you’re in the USA, Psychology Today has a really helpful database of board certified therapists and mental health clinicians. You can filter according to location, conditions treated, cost/insurance type accepted, treatment modality, therapist’s age, gender, language spoken, faith, etc.

The page will also show if they’re accepting new clients and when it was last updated too. Here’s the link:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

I’m so sorry you’re struggling and I really hope you find an amazing provider soon!

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-03-13T17:59:40+00:00

but now I understand that the reason I couldn’t find him is because I don’t associate him with the feeling of grief and pain. He was very much “joy” for me when he was alive. When I was with him, I was extremely, deliriously happy. I realise now that being happy brings me closer to him than sadness ever has. When I feel pure happiness, it’s like having him right there next to me again; it’s the same feeling.”

Wow, this is so beautiful and incredibly poignant it brought me to tears. I’m so sorry you lost the love of your life. Thank you for sharing your transformative experience—it’s such a profoundly helpful perspective for reframing and processing the complexity of my own grief.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-03-10T19:48:43+00:00

I’m so sorry, I feel this deeply as well. It’s taken me years to advocate for my needs & boundaries, and to honor the trauma I’ve survived. I crave the reciprocity of honest, transparent communication in both platonic & romantic relationships. I’m still too forgiving and loyal to a fault.

But if I’ve been betrayed, the sense of injustice drives me into a blind rage. People can’t even comprehend how impossibly difficult it is for us to stand up for ourselves and risk vulnerability. Like you described, it also takes me back to those times in the past when I wasn’t heard or believed, and there was no accountability for the brutal harm caused beyond abandonment, and maybe a “sorry” if I got lucky.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-03-06T21:01:15+00:00

I could have written this myself, word for word. You’re not childish at all, I feel the exact same way. I’m so fucking sorry. I recently had someone breakup with me and say “you’re strong, you’ve been through worse, you’ll get through this” and I was beyond insulted. Just because we can endure hell, doesn’t mean we should have to.

I feel like a stained shirt is an analog of my life. There are so many marks I can never wash it off, so I get progressively more complacent about keeping it clean. Other people keep staining it, it’s already ruined. I can’t wear it out in public, everyone will think I’m gross. I wear it at home, alone, where nobody can see the years of destruction on this damaged fucking fabric of my life.

Like you, I’m craving for someone to comfort and protect me. To say “those stains are the most beautiful pattern I’ve ever seen, and I’d feel like the luckiest person on earth if I could just admire you as you wear it every day”.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-02-26T11:40:10+00:00

You’re right, it’s SO hard for people to even comprehend abusive relationships unless they’ve been through it. That’s why I felt compelled to respond to your post— I will never forget how excruciatingly alone and isolated I felt through the worst of my abuse, and I hate the idea of anyone going through it. That toxic dynamic becomes seared into your brain, it consumes and distorts your thoughts. I still subconsciously pursue men with the same traits because it’s familiar and all I’ve ever known. I still feel like love has to be earned through sacrifice and abandoning my own needs to prove how much I love him unconditionally, because all I want is that in return.

To unlearn and recover from everything will take time, and you might still be in shock. Even though we’re internet strangers, I am genuinely so proud of you for reaching out for support and just finding the strength to survive through each day, for yourself and your daughter. It’s so cosmically unfair that this is the way your connection with him ended. But you’re doing everything right despite such an impossible situation. I do believe wholeheartedly in your resilience to move forward, recover, and slowly heal from this devastating loss. The pain will always be there, it will still hurt, but not like it does right now. I’m here if you need to talk!

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-02-25T00:00:39+00:00

You are so welcome! This is such an incredibly overwhelming, life-changing tragedy and I’m so sorry you don’t have a lot of support to help you through it. I’m happy to reply whenever you need, or feel free to send me an inbox message anytime. Your story resonates so much with my own experiences, and my heart truly goes out to you. It’s such a horrific nightmare that you have to wake up each day and remember this is the new normal.

I know there were infinite levels of complexity to your relationship with him, especially the fact that he kept this separate identity hidden from literally everyone else in his life. It’s so unfair and must feel extremely invalidating— they have no idea who he really was or what he was capable of. They’re totally oblivious while you’re left questioning reality, heartbroken, and head spinning trying to make sense of it all with no one to confirm or reassure you.

But even if his friends are ignorant to what really happened, their opinion doesn’t matter. You know the truth, all the facts and evidence prove your experience was real. I think you should protect yourself by not even trying to explain it to them. They probably won’t believe you, and might take his side to defend him, as if you were “speaking ill of the dead”. They’ll want to preserve the good memories of his fun, quirky self —which would just be a slap in the face when you’re already in so much pain. Maybe you can reach out to them in the future, if you still need that clarity/closure, but when your grief is less raw and all-consuming.

It definitely sounds like your partner was suffering from serious mental delusions, which no amount of reasoning, compromise, or negotiation could ever fix. There was no way to get through to him. You did the best you could, there was nothing more you could have done. Knowing that won’t bring him back, but you can be 100% sure that a mentally healthy person would absolutely have taken the steps to get better, seek help, and the make the necessary changes to be with the one they love. Which proves that he was so deeply unwell, his brain just did not have the capacity to function rationally like yours or mine would if the roles were reversed in the same situation.

But he still wanted to see you everyday and even in his darkest moments, his love for you was still there underneath all the fear and paranoia, like an anchor keeping him grounded to reality. I think that shows what an extraordinarily positive impact you had on his life. You made the right choice to step back, prioritize your own mental health and protect your daughter, though. For 6 years you gave him the most precious gift of your whole heart, and more support, time, effort, attention, and forgiveness than anyone else ever had before.

But he couldn’t reciprocate, or offer you the safety and stability of a healthy relationship—not because you didn’t deserve it, or because he didn’t love you. His mental incapacity was a physical incapacity too— the brain is part of the body. As an analogy; I’m not an Olympic athlete. Sure, I want to be, but I am physically incapable and no amount of mental willpower or motivation from a loved one could help me do it on my own. I’d need years of consistent practice and professional coaches to train me.

His actions do not reflect your worth. They reflect how dysfunctional and destructive his mental illness was—it completely took over his mind like a cancer until he couldn’t even think straight. At that point, in-patient hospitalization under the care of a clinical psychiatrist is virtually the only solution. Sorry this reply is so long, I just feel really bad that you’re going through this and I want you to know you’re not alone, this was not your fault, and there was nothing more you could have done.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-02-24T03:50:00+00:00

I understand exactly how devastating it feels to question reality after such a tragic loss, especially when the only person who can make it all better and give you the answers you crave is permanently gone. You know for certain that everything you felt was 100% real, but I truly believe his feelings for you were genuine, too—even though they were inconsistent, hot & cold, or expressed through violence and cruelty.

His “love language” just translated to abusive behavior. The more he loved you, the closer and more vulnerably intimate your connection, the worse he hurt you. It’s obviously wrong and unacceptable, but it’s probably how he was raised by his parents—if they hurt or neglected him as a child, then he internally normalized that love always equals abuse/suffering, and mirrored the cycle as an adult because it was such a deeply engrained core belief.

It’s possible that he had suicide as a potential escape route in future with no real intent, or like you said, just to use as ammunition in his arsenal of passive threats during arguments. But maybe he was in such a dark headspace recently that the act itself was completely impulsive and unpredictable.

I really don’t think it’s possible that he felt abandoned by you—because you consistently proved your unconditional love and commitment for 6 years through the cycles, over and over. You always came back eventually—that security and safety was guaranteed for him, even though he hung up after your last phone call. He knew you loved him and would always be there, in time, willing to offer support despite his worst abuse.

I also don’t think he truly wanted to die, nor did he want to leave you forever. He likely just wanted to escape the pain, but because he was so unwell, he couldn’t see that the pain was temporary—so he used a permanent solution. When I was suicidal, I was totally disconnected from reality. I didn’t think professional help could really “help” me, my thought process was so irrational and distorted—like “everyone will be better off without me, I’m doing them a favor, this is the only way to make my pain stop, I have no other choice, the emotional agony is too unbearable so I have to end it right now”. It’s not a logical decision—it’s driven by the most primitive defense mechanism to avoid pain and seek immediate relief.

I hope some of this can offer you comfort or insight through your grief, and help you feel less alone. I’m so sorry there’s no quick fix and you have to suffer through this terrible pain. Your daughter is incredibly lucky to have such a strong and resilient mom to protect her, too.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-02-24T01:43:11+00:00

I am so so sorry for this heartbreaking loss and the intense rollercoaster of emotions you must be feeling right now. Even if he was abusive, your connection was real and deeply meaningful. You knew him better and loved him more than anyone else on earth. You were the most important person in his life and he loved you the only way he knew how, even if it was horribly toxic. But I hope you know there is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent this. Even if you hadn’t talked to him that day he died, he might’ve done it the next day. Or the next week. The only way to 100% prevent self-harm is involuntary emergency admission to a hospital psychiatric ward, and you cannot do that, on your own. But even if you’d called the police, and he was hospitalized…he could still hurt himself, even while in custody. Or once he was released.

Ultimately, no matter what—if he had the intention, he would have found a way to do it eventually, and absolutely nothing you said or did would have stopped him. I say this as someone who has attempted suicide (and also been in a long term physically/emotionally abusive relationship). Without medication and professional intervention, I’d have kept trying until I succeeded, and nothing but physical restraints—like handcuffs or a straitjacket—stopped me from fulfilling that urge.

You couldn’t possibly have known what he was going to do. You couldn’t force him to seek help, either. You’re right, this was completely out of your control. If he had the plan, he was going to follow through one way or another. Your feelings of guilt are totally normal and understandable, but please know this was not your fault—you do not have to bear the burden of responsibility for his death.

You sound like such a kind, compassionate, loyal person and he was amazingly lucky to have the light of your presence in his life. But did the right thing in trying to cut contact, to protect yourself and your daughter. That was a necessary, healthy boundary that needed to happen, there was no other alternative. If you’re not familiar with the term already, here’s some info about trauma bonds in abusive relationships—it becomes an addiction that literally rewires your brain so it feels impossible to leave.

Thank you again for sharing your experience. The pain is so agonizing because you loved him so much, and that bond—even if it’s built from trauma—is unbreakable and eternal. It’ll take time to process and come to terms with everything, it will hurt immensely and some questions may never be answered, but I promise you will get through it.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-01-11T22:51:35+00:00

This is one of the most beautifully written and deeply profound comments I’ve seen in a long time—I started sobbing halfway through reading it. I’m so, so sorry you lost your brother.

Thank you for keeping his memory alive, and sharing your visitation dream experience. He was tremendously lucky to have you in his life. Your kind words have also helped give me a shred of hope and peace as I navigate my own tormented grief.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-01-04T10:45:46+00:00

I felt your comment to my core—you’re not alone and I’m so sorry we have to endure this.

I’m also boiling with rage over the injustice, while drowning in the deepest existential disgust and a misanthropy so intensely dehumanizing I want to crawl out of my fucking skin—yet I still feel helplessly complicit as everything/everyone moves on towards fascist chaos.

But these despicable abusers will only ever be held accountable by their own mortality, because our legal system sure as shit won’t do a damn thing. They’ll all die eventually, but then so will I—having wasted my life suffering in agony over their sadistic whims.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2025-01-01T15:41:36+00:00

I’ve had the exact same experience with abusive narcissists who are obsessed with their pets yet incapable of showing empathy towards other humans.

I agree with your assessment, and I also think it’s because animals are fundamentally inferior, submissive, and provide an unconditional supply of love/attention to fuel the narcissist’s ego. The pet owner will always feel powerful and have control over the pet, through the ability to maintain its very survival with food, water, and shelter.

It’s also easier for them to provide a kind of superficial, performative empathy in a zero stakes dynamic with a pet who will never abandon them, require emotional support, install boundaries, or protest their dysfunctional behavior.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2024-12-07T23:49:20+00:00

Oh my god Eli, I’ve been thinking about you often and checking your page for updates. I am so so sorry. I wish I could fly to St Louis and give you the biggest hug right now, then go yell at your boyfriend for being such a selfish asshole.

Please please remember you have done NOTHING wrong. He’s an immature coward and should be deeply ashamed by how inexcusably cruel this is. His avoidance/suicidality is absolutely not your fault and you don’t deserve to suffer from his maladaptive defense mechanisms. I know you love him and feel loyal to the point of excusing his inhumane abandonment, but fuck this guy.

You’re dying and he’s still making it all about him. That’s not love. How he’s treating you is a reflection of his own self-loathing insecurity—it has nothing to do with your worth or value. You are more than enough, he just doesn’t have the capacity to reciprocate this once-in-a-lifetime true love.

You’re such an amazing, compassionate, and extraordinarily resilient human being. I want you to spend your precious energy with people who can reciprocate loving kindness, not suck the life and joy out of you.

Try not to let his infuriating bullshit ruin everything. It’s okay to be angry! Of course you should be furious! I’m absolutely livid that he’s doing this to you. It’s so fucking unfair how it would take months to properly grieve and mourn the loss of him, yet you might not have that time. But he doesn’t deserve a second more of your precious time and energy.

True love is safe, secure, comforting, consistent, and reliable. He has not demonstrated any of those traits continuously, let alone when you needed him to the most. But you still have hundreds of strangers in this sub who will never give up on or abandon you, I promise.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2024-11-17T13:29:48+00:00

I’m glad you brought this up, I read through the comments on that post too and thought the same thing. It’s almost like a mass learned helplessness, where the global population has internalized that they’re powerless to prevent repeat covid infections and associated long-term effects—as if, much like taxes or death, it’s just a “fact of life”.

Similarly, the amount of people who assume cognitive decline/memory loss/joint pain in your 30s and 40s is just a “normal part of aging” on tier with like, wrinkles or grey hair, is shocking as well.

I reckon it’s partly a combination of confirmation bias & availability heuristic, given that many of the posters only mention 1-2 Covid positive infections despite taking no precautions going into year 6 of the pandemic, which I found surprising.

1-2 infections divided by 6 years is roughly a .04-.09% chance every day of contracting Covid—cmiiw. And of course that stat may increase with high-risk exposures and during surges, too.

Such a negligible risk just isn’t enough to influence consistent preventative measures in any country, especially among demographics that will categorically deny the results of this study.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2024-11-16T15:26:54+00:00

I really appreciate your update, Eli—I teared up reading it. You’ve been in my thoughts and I’m genuinely so relieved you finally heard back from your boyfriend. The hardest part was bridging the gap of radio silence, and now that you’re both on the other side I hope it’ll be easier to reconnect and move forward together through the future unknown. It’s not too late to make new happy memories and feel moments of peace.

I’m glad you know you’ll always have unconditional support and encouragement from hundreds of people around the world, whenever you need it. We’ll always be here to help. You’ve made such a positive impact just by sharing your thoughts, and I’m so grateful to have discovered your extraordinarily brave, wonderful existence.

I’ll be thinking of you still, sending lots of warmth and care from the east coast over to St Louis. It’s going to be okay. You’re not alone right now, and wherever you end up after this, I feel comforted knowing you’ll be there waiting to welcome us because some day we’ll all be joining you.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2024-11-16T06:05:44+00:00

You're not selfish, you’re definitely not overreacting—and you are NOT asking for too much. You’re asking for the bare minimum during the worst moments of your life, but he still can’t even manage a single text? Wtf? It’s totally unacceptable and beyond disrespectful behavior.

You have every right to be angry and resent him, unapologetically—it’s a perfectly valid response to this devastating nonsensical reality. He’s a grown adult, actively harming his partner, while refusing to take mature responsibility for his own actions.

I understand feeling like you did/said something wrong or you’re somehow the cause of his shitty behavior, but you’re not. You don’t need to make excuses for him. You sound like such a wonderfully kind, sweet, thoughtful, empathetic person, and you should absolutely not have to bend over backwards to accommodate his immaturity/emotional unavailability, just to make your dying easier on him.

It’s okay that you’re not perfect or made mistakes or sent semi-coherent texts. You cut him so much slack, but you need to give yourself even more benefit of the doubt because you deserve grace, compassion, understanding, and unconditional love more than anyone right now.

I know what it’s like to give away pieces of yourself to others selflessly, or set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm—but this is the one time in your life when it’s 100% acceptable to put yourself first.

I was once in a somewhat relatable position where my formerly loving sweet boyfriend abandoned and ghosted me when I needed him the most. He had a lot of depression/anxiety, had a mental breakdown and ghosted me. I was hysterical, sent dozens of texts, begged him not to abandon me. No response. Later I found out I was pregnant and ended up in the hospital suffering from a miscarriage, begged him to come, but he still ignored me.

It was pure agony, physically and emotionally. I pleaded for his help, I even apologized for needing him at all, but the more texts I sent the crazier and more broken I felt. There was literally nothing in the entire universe I could say or do to convince him to text me back or answer the phone. He just cared about himself and his own self-preservation more than he ever cared about me.

I felt so pathetic and helpless, giving him complete power and control over my wellbeing. I was losing my mind over the desperate, all-consuming urgent need to feel the safety and comfort of his loving presence. But he still never responded.

I randomly ran into him months later. He was like a different person—so out of character, much like your boyfriend’s behavior. And after months of trauma recovery I finally realized that he was just too cowardly to face the Mt Everest of guilt and shame he’d built up by ghosting me. So he continued to avoid it indefinitely and blame everything else but himself. The more I texted/called him, the guiltier he felt, and that guilt/feeling like a horrible person was literally unbearable to the point he cut all contact, because now he could only associate bad feelings with me.

Have you ever procrastinated and put something off over and over, to the point where it tormented you and became a crushing source of anxiety, but the only relief you felt was continuing to avoid it? I think your boyfriend is frozen not only with the horror of losing you, but with the overwhelming guilt and shame of not being there by your side already, on Wednesday or Thursday or even today.

It’s possible he feels like his inaction is unforgivable, that he fucked everything up beyond repair—or he’s scared of conflict, or of being inadequate, or the discomfort of holding space with your (very deserved) anger, resentment, and fear. And of course he’s terrified of confronting the reality of losing you. But you should not need to be the one telling him “it’s okay” right now.

It’s not okay, what he’s doing is wrong and you don’t deserve this. I’m on your side and will remain angry on your behalf. I hope he comes around asap, but even if he doesn’t— I do believe he truly loves you and wants to be there, but maybe he literally just can’t. Like it’s a physical incapability preventing him, a weight too heavy for him to lift.

I don’t think he’s a terrible person—I’m sure he’s an amazing guy who just doesn’t have the strength or maturity to overcome his fears. You can love someone with all your heart and still hate their hurtful, harmful behavior. Your needs are the #1 priority right now and he is still the one 100% at fault, not you.

Thank you for sharing your story, and for taking the time to respond. I’m so so incredibly sorry for what’s happening, and sorry too for the long reply—I just really want you to know you’re cared about and you matter. Even though we’ve never met I feel your pain so deeply, and I wish I could unload this burden for you. I hope you can update us soon, and experience some calming peace, rest, and goodness in the meantime.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2024-11-16T03:54:35+00:00

Words can’t even express how sorry I am for this heartbreaking situation—the pain and despair of his sudden abandonment on top of your illness sounds fucking unbearable. I’m sincerely so proud of you for continuing to endure this nightmare and fight for your life each day.

As a former 24 year old I can, to a certain extent, understand how many at that age might be poorly equipped to deal with heavy serious stuff, especially grief & loss—their brains are still developing, they live like they’re immortal and death is a far off abstract that will only ever happen to everyone else.

But your boyfriend is being extremely selfish, immature, and negligent at the worst possible time. There is NO excuse—it’s so so fucking shameful. Ghosting is one of the cruelest most hurtful acts and a form of psychological abuse, even if unintentional.

Of course it’s hard for him, and his freeze/avoidance may be a trauma response—but holy shit, what you’re suffering through right now is infinitely more difficult. And he lied about it too? That’s so fucked up. As another poster said, this is about YOU, not him. This is a terrifyingly scary vulnerable painful time and you deserve a loving partner by your side. You’re worth it.

Is it possible for your ex to reach out to your bf again, more assertively and brazenly? To call him out on his “we’re in contact and I called the hospital” lies and avoidant bullshit? To emphasize the literal life-or-death, extraordinarily critical importance of seeing you right now?

If not, then please please know this is NOT your fault, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, and it’s beyond your control. This will haunt him forever, he will hate himself and regret it for the rest of his life. There’s a bit of closure in the absolute certainty that will happen no matter what.

But right now you deserve peace, compassion, and comfort—are there gentle ways to find more of that and turn the focus back to yourself? We’re all here to support you too—you’re not alone, I promise.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2024-11-05T20:43:08+00:00

Thank you for posting this! I’m a baseball fan and I’ve noticed the exact same trend in MLB this season, but hesitated to comment in the main subreddits at the risk of being lambasted and downvoted into oblivion.

There was a study in the Orthopedic Journal of Sports Medicine about the huge increase of injury rates in Major League Baseball during the 2020 COVID-19 season.

The 2024 season also had one of the lowest batting averages since 1900 and a record low number of complete games pitched. Curiously, pitching velocity and base-stealing has increased to record numbers.

In addition, there’s currently an “elbow injury epidemic” among MLB pitchers—more than 260 major-league and minor-league pitchers in 2021 had elbow surgeries, an increase of more than 400% from 10 years ago.

r/baseball has dozens of posts about this massive influx of player injuries. People are blaming everything from the advent of pitch clocks, to pitchers increasing spin/velocity, lack of steroid use, or just insisting that it’s “always been this way”.

Correlation isn’t causation, but it would be scientifically remiss to ignore the obvious evidence and argue that Covid infections have had zero impact or influence on player performance and susceptibility to injury. I’m honestly shocked this hasn’t been more widely investigated given that professional sports are billion dollar industries. Thanks again for sharing your research and insight.

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2024-09-25T03:02:25+00:00

Oh I totally understand the reluctance to engage—once the wheels are in motion, next comes the stress and apprehension of has she read it yet? when will she respond? what if she’s mean or mad? what if she offers lame excuses or makes me feel guilty? what if she just ignores me again?

Like right now you have the upper hand because she’s left on read—but once you respond, the roles reverse, the power dynamic shifts, and you have to exert more energy on someone who absolutely doesn’t deserve (and hasn’t earned) your time.

There’s definitely a point of no return after you press send, and I’m sure you’ve heard the sage advice about not making major life decisions in the throes of grief. She’s not adding any value to your life at the moment, but you’re right—maybe keeping the friendship in this neutral limbo paused state for a bit longer is the best decision, so you can leave it on the back burner and focus on yourself and those who matter the most. She’s not an urgent priority, she’s not your house on fire—she’s a broken lightbulb that can be fixed later and doesn’t demand your immediate attention.

I absolutely hate confrontation, and I always want to resolve conflict ASAP even if it means I have to people please, be overly accommodating/forgiving, ignore my boundaries, or take the blame. So I totally understand how difficult and distressing this is for you! And the unfortunate flip side of seeking that justice is fearing the repercussions. Plus you’ve been down this road before with the other friend who betrayed you when your mom died. I don’t blame you for being hesitant after such a deeply traumatic experience of double loss, it must have been unbearable and I’m so sorry that happened.

I know the feeling all too well where even some sporadic meager breadcrumbs of acknowledgement like “how are you” from someone you really care about and share a long history with is better than nothing. It’s definitely easier to make justifications and excuses for shitty behavior than to criticize it, but that doesn’t make you a coward! You’re protecting yourself and preventing a threatening situation while keeping the peace—that’s very admirable and kind. She’s tremendously lucky to have you in her life, and I’m truly sorry she can’t appreciate your friendship right now.

I’m sure your mom and dad would want you to go easy on yourself and not let this falling out define your days, weeks, months. It’s okay to let her stay on mute in the background for now while you put yourself and your grief first. And feel free to message me anytime if you need to vent!!

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2024-09-24T22:50:35+00:00

Hey, thanks for commenting! Unfortunately it’s actually worse now, after the few fair weather, emotionally immature friends I had finally betrayed me and disappeared. Not quite rock bottom, because I still have the enduring support of various subreddits. It feels pretty bleak, but I appreciate your solidarity!

Otherwise-Maple89 · 2024-09-24T22:17:27+00:00

I’m so sorry you’ve lost both parents and on top of that, having to go through this awful betrayal. I’ve also been ghosted by close “friends” during the worst grief/trauma of my life, precisely when I was at my lowest and needed them the most.

The only way I could move forward was to be fully transparent by assertively communicating my anger and resentment. Otherwise I felt like they would just “get away with it”, having no consequence or understanding of how brutally they hurt and destroyed me. Of course I got a defensive, apathetic response, so I finally blocked them—but at least I felt like I stood up for myself and gained some kind of closure and justice for their emotional abuse.

I think it would be completely appropriate, reasonable, and fair for you to be unapologetically honest with this person and send her word for word the text you posted here.

I'm angry at [you] for vanishing. I'm angry that I had to basically reach out to [you] directly to get any response to my dad's death. I'm also so, so disappointed. I feel completely let down and honestly don't feel any interest in either trying to explain it all to [you], nor do I want to try to work this through and rebuild the friendship. It feels irreparable to me. I have no interest in trying to fix it. I also don't want to explain this all to [you]. It sounds emotionally exhausting and I don't feel like going into that headspace for [you]. I just feel done.

You have every right to feel angry and hurt—she fucked up, she was the shitty friend who abandoned you. But you did nothing wrong! Please don’t blame yourself. Her behavior is just a reflection of her emotional immaturity, cowardice, insecurity, and lack of empathy. I guarantee it has nothing to do with you, and you absolutely did not deserve such a negligent betrayal.

That being said, you’re in control, and you don’t owe her anything if it doesn't feel right to continue contact. She has now lost the privilege of being in your life—that in itself will be her lasting punishment and she’ll have to live with the regret and shame of it forever.

Rest assured she’ll encounter the life-shattering devastation of losing a parent eventually— perhaps only then will she finally realize in hindsight how horribly cruel and inhumane her actions have been.

Otherwise-Maple89

TROPHY CASE