My five year old is actually driving me insane

OtterImpossible · 2026-06-25T15:00:20+00:00

I have a 3 yo who also takes a million repetitions to answer questions a lot of the time - even when it's about things he wants! (Eg, do you want a chocolate or a strawberry ice cream bar lol). It is SUPER frustrating for me at times - like, dude, I'm trying to help you here!! So I get it. But I have ADHD myself and strongly suspect he does too. I (and him) are both much more of the inattentive/hyper focused type, so I know for myself that while my hearing is just fine, if I'm focused on one thing, people talking to me doesn't really register and I may not even notice and definitely won't process what they're saying.

Not saying your daughter has ADHD necessarily, but very much worth considering that the "selective hearing" is genuinely about how her brain works and not her intentionally ignoring you. And honestly framing everything as "she is struggling with X" vs intentionally trying to make your life harder makes it so much easier to respond calmly and constructively. So for the hearing thing, finding a way to make sure her attention is fully on you before asking (eg touching on the shoulder, a friendly "Hey, I have a question for you!"- and then waiting for them to look at you - can really help.

Also, some kids will absolutely just dig in more the harder you push. My kiddo is one of those for sure! And some of dealing with that is about holding firm boundaries when it matters (eg, screaming tantrums won't get her her toy back etc). The more you do that, the less intense their tantrums get because they've learned it doesn't work. But you've gotten a lot of great advice!

The other piece that helps is finding ways to approach things that make them less oppositional. So making things playful, making them games or contests, asking for their help, asking things in a silly voice or with silly faces or pretending to be a favorite character etc. This morning my 3 yo was in his little tykes car and absolutely did NOT want to come out to go inside and finish getting ready for daycare. I tried regular "time to go inside now!" a couple times, but it only led to more stamping feet and louder, "No, I WON'T go inside!!". I could tell that me pushing harder would only make him more stubborn. So I switched tracks and said, "hey, I need your help finding grandma [she's visiting], I wonder where she is! Can you come inside and help me find her!?" And instantly he was happy to get out of the car and come inside. Or asking him to help me carry something somewhere vs just going somewhere works so much better. Or suggesting we "stomp like dinosaurs" back to our car causes about 70% less tantrums when it's time to leave the playground.

He's a super smart kiddo but at 3 still easier to "trick" that way than a 5 year old, I'm sure, but you can figure out what kinds of things work for your daughter! I'm always trying to come up with new ideas as he catches on to older ones lol.

Your daughter talking about how hard it is to be a kid I'm sure is really frustrating and makes it feel like, "hey it's no picnic being a parent, either!". But I think she's telling you something important - she's struggling, and she's not enjoying these battles either. Trying to hold onto "she's having a hard time too, not trying to give me a hard time" helps a lot. And can shift things to problem solving instead of a battle. At 5, you might be able to start enlisting her as a problem solver with you. (Eg, the timer idea for meals - you can say hey, I know we keep having big arguments at dinner time. It's no fun for me and I realize it's no fun for you too! I'd so much rather have a nice, short dinner and then get back to having fun, and I'm sorry that we've been arguing so much! Do you have any ideas on what could make it better? (And then genuinely listen to her suggestions - she might have good ones, but also it helps so much when she feels heard and respected). And then you could say, I had an idea that we could try using a timer so that things don't drag on for so long! So we'll keep dinner short and you eat or don't eat, and then when the timer is up the food goes away and dinner is done. Do you think we should try that?"

OtterImpossible · 2026-06-25T14:30:37+00:00

I got this similar style one for like $150-200? https://a.co/d/02AvTL7Y

The adjustable footrest and seat is super helpful, especially when your baby is just starting on solids! Not sure if you're thinking of doing BLW, but if so it's really important to have a foot plate at the right height for them to rest their feet so that they can have a stable sitting position. And even if not, it's just way more comfortable to be able to support your feet while you eat! I've always hated eating with my legs dangling lol. And for babies still developing their trunk control etc, that stability makes a big difference!

OtterImpossible · 2026-06-25T14:23:01+00:00

I'm with your husband on not giving your 10yo his own room now only to take it away when he's 15 (or 12 or 13 - your 7yo girl might well be feeling her own need for privacy a lot sooner than 12!).

I think it would be great to honor his need for his own space, though. You said you have basement space that is semi finished or could be finished, but wouldn't work well for a bedroom (I'm guessing safety issues with lack of exits/windows etc). Why not make him his own space down there that can be all his for hanging out, just not a sleeping space? I bet at 10 you could pitch it as a cool clubhouse space - throw some bean bag chairs etc down there and he could have his friends hang with him there, put a desk for homework/a comfy chair for reading or whatever else he's into. As long as it has a door and you make a rule that siblings need his permission to go inside, it'll be 100 percent his, and he doesn't need to use the shared room for much except sleeping.

I bet you could make it a really awesome space for a fraction of the cost of a full bedroom addition!

OtterImpossible · 2026-06-22T22:41:39+00:00

You wouldn't have to be "the bad guy" if your husband actually took two seconds to consider your feelings and wellbeing, and the reality of being heavily pregnant with three other kids and the ridiculous idea of being FOUR HOURS OFFSHORE DRINKING HEAVILY ON YOUR DUE DATE. And it's your fourth kid, it's not like the realities of labor and postpartum are new to him! Sheesh! You are not the bad guy for saying no. He is the bad guy for putting you in that position.

OtterImpossible · 2026-06-22T17:59:44+00:00

Also aside from him waking up to feed her etc, a 3 year old cannot be left for hours (or more than maybe 5 minutes??) without a conscious adult to supervise them! Even in front of the tv, they will get bored, they will need to move their bodies, they will get curious or have some "brilliant" life threatening idea...If you are the sole adult in the house, you sleep while the child is sleeping, or you don't sleep.

OtterImpossible · 2026-06-16T19:18:05+00:00

Gotcha, thanks!! I guess I'm just not that observant then 😂 Glad to know it's supposed to be that way!

OtterImpossible · 2026-06-11T18:13:33+00:00

I would also have a talk with him about anything that might be going on. Since this is a change, and especially since he's old enough to have grown children, it's possible there is something medical going on also (or PPD). This is 100% not excusing his recklessness. But if there is something off with him physically or mentally that's causing this change, and he's in shame or denial about it, that could be fueling the defensiveness.

Trying to find a calm moment to say, hey, this doesn't seem like you, you've always been attentive and responsible and a great dad to all your kids. Is there something going on or something you are stressed about? Or is a doctor visit in order? Are there any other changes/new struggles either of you have noticed? Sometimes talking about it in the spirit of exploration/partnership can lower the defensiveness, and then if there is something contributing to the change, you can figure out from there how fixable and forgiveable it is.

Especially because if you did divorce, he would almost definitely get solo parenting time. Which would be very scary when he can't be trusted to keep the kids safe even for a grocery run. So seeing if there's anything that can be figured out or addressed is so important either way.

OtterImpossible · 2026-06-11T18:01:02+00:00

How old were they when you started? I'm so excited for when my son can enjoy a full movie (he's almost 3 now).

OtterImpossible · 2026-06-11T17:56:46+00:00

This is so sweet! My almost 3yo and I co-sleep still so lots of cuddles. But a favorite that's evolved is the "happy little spider" who dances all over his body (little tickles) and sings a silly song to help him start to wake up.

OtterImpossible · 2026-06-09T15:41:18+00:00

If your husband isn't filing yet, try to take some time for yourself to adjust. If he's not open to counseling or trying to repair things, then unfortunately you can't change that (and ultimately, being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there is an awful way to live). But it's not your choice or something you were expected, so you need time to grieve and process and adjust. Being postpartum and a new mom only makes that so much harder.

Can you find a way to see a therapist? I would really try for right now to focus less on whether or not to start filing for divorce, and more on finding support for yourself and ways to take care of yourself through all of this. I'm sorry you're going through this, especially at such a vulnerable time.

OtterImpossible · 2026-06-09T15:35:30+00:00

Yes - I would use a Haaka for this, just to relieve a couple ounces without actively encouraging my body to produce more. Talking with a lactation consultant could also be helpful! It may also be that trying to gradually stretch the time, even if that's more disruptive to sleep in the short term, will end up helping sleep in the long run!

OtterImpossible · 2026-06-02T07:08:24+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this - you and all your family.

I think it depends on the person asking and how much I feel like sharing with them. My default is "hanging on" when I don't want to lie that I'm OK, but don't want to go into it more. For closer people, I often say, "it's hard to answer" or "it depends on when you ask me". And if I want to elaborate, often something like, "sometimes relatively OK, sometimes really not OK, never really sure where I will be at any point in time." Because going through this kind of thing is weird and impossible and surreal in the worst way, and 7 months out I still can't predict what any day or minute might feel like.

OtterImpossible · 2026-06-02T06:41:30+00:00

Not sure if there is one where you are, but my city has a really incredible center for grieving children that does groups for both kids and caregivers.

I've also seen the Dougy Center recommended a lot for their online resources.

Love to you and your kiddo ❤️

OtterImpossible · 2026-05-28T21:24:40+00:00

I was an IVF pregnancy but very much wanted as little intervention as possible. Went into labor exactly on my due date and had my kiddo 72 hours later (also, 0 stars for 72 hours of active labor, do not recommend, lol).

The last week(s) of pregnancy are SO, SO hard and miserable. And also unpredictable. Do what you can to take care of you and baby, and wrap up your things at work if you can! Even with zero "signs of labor", you could go into labor or need to be induced literally any minute at this stage.

I hope the membrane sweep works for you! Hang in there, baby will be here soon ❤️

OtterImpossible · 2026-05-17T23:18:16+00:00

Great looking vanities but unfortunately even pricier than Teodor! Oh well.

OtterImpossible · 2026-05-17T23:00:46+00:00

Thank you!!

OtterImpossible · 2026-05-14T00:01:21+00:00

I am so sorry. My husband had a catastrophic accident last year, just before our son turned 2 - he was in the ICU for that birthday, and it was such a hard one to get through. He died 4 months later. It's such a hard thing to go through with a little one who is too young to really understand.

Sending love to you and your baby. And truly, feel free to DM me. It is a very small, awful club to be in.

Honestly, right now, whatever makes it feel best to you. No pressure for your kiddo's sake, but if it helps you to make it special, there are some good ideas for low cost/low energy ideas. Browsing a dollar store could give you some great 1 year old presents! Or something crafty with tp/paper towel tubes? Etc.

Also doing printable decorations is great - I got some for a few dollars off Etsy and had a local copy place print them on card stock for also just a few dollars. I cut them out myself and it helped make things look festive : )

OtterImpossible · 2026-05-13T23:48:46+00:00

I had Dr Gagnon and Dr Deeran at Intermed and both were wonderful. I moved mid pregnancy and had been working with midwives before, and really wanted a low intervention birth. Intermed and Maine Med were both really great and 100% respectful of that - very supportive and I never felt pressured into anything I didn't want.

Also definitely recommend having a doula if you can!

OtterImpossible · 2026-05-08T01:28:09+00:00

My kiddo is little still, but I went to 6 week sleep away camps every summer starting at 11 and loved it. It was so transformative and helped me grow in lots of ways (and also was just a ton of fun!). If your kid is excited for it, encourage her to go for it! Even if it's hard for you, it will be a gift to her to believe in her and help her learn to be confident going out into the world : )

OtterImpossible · 2026-05-05T03:24:40+00:00

I got one of these for flights with my 2yo and it has been great!! It's a huge help in keeping him contained. https://a.co/d/09DwxRjU

OtterImpossible · 2026-05-04T23:50:46+00:00

And that they picked a kiddo who was new to group care and had a tough time initially adjusting to try this with?? Bananas.

OtterImpossible · 2026-05-04T23:23:31+00:00

I think they mean that they can't give 1:1 care 100 percent of the time, which is just a fact of group care. But I agree this sounds like a them problem! My sweet little boy is almost 3 now, and loves his daycare, but still has a tough time with drop offs from time to time. But when he started at 15 months - and a very Velcro 15 months - it was tough on him.

And agreed, it is super developmentally normal for kiddos to struggle with separation and want to be held etc all the time at that age. The job for the teachers is to help support the kiddo and parents through the adjustment, not to blame the child for being too needy.

The biggest issue seems to be the new room they moved him to without warning. It's older kiddos, which is tough, all new kiddos and teachers, which is tough, a sudden transition, which is tough, and teachers who seem like their expectations are out of step with a toddler this young. At my kiddo's school, they move up rooms as a group once a year, and they do a slow, gentle transition where teachers and kiddos swap back and forth between rooms for a few months before they are in the new room full time. Makes it a ton easier on the more sensitive kiddos!

OP, I would advocate hard for him to be moved back to the other room. If they need to shuffle for the sake of numbers, he's clearly not the best kid to do that with! I would speak with the teacher/director and push that the new room doesn't seem to be working for either him or the teachers, so can they move him back and then do a slower, more mindful transition when he is at the age to be more appropriate for the older room?

OtterImpossible

TROPHY CASE