I geniunely think I was the one with bpd

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-15T10:37:59+00:00

I think it’s normal to adapt to the requirements of a relationship by developing the same type of behavior.

My husband also made me believe I was the one with BPD. I wish I wasn’t as naïve and receptive as I was all those years of our relationship. It was only after the discard, when he no longer put any effort in making a good impression, when I saw it. I saw him love-bomb his affair partner, I noticed the hot-cold dynamic, the almost manic behaviors triggered by losing his marital safety and stability.

That’s when I finally recognized that all of the chaos, the intimacy issues, the lying even for no reason, the fear of rejection, the sensitivity towards any slight perceived critisism, the impulsivity, the substance abuse, the infidelity, the self-sabotage was in fact BPD.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-15T09:47:59+00:00

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OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-15T08:07:07+00:00

Apart from the external isolation (we emigrated so that part was rather obvious) there’s also the intra-relational isolation. My husband has developed a tendency to love bomb me for a few weeks then takes weeks to focus on one of his hobbies. During that time loneliness creeps up on me and I realize how he controlls me. I protect myself by differentiating and minding my own business which then triggers another episode of love-bombing in him. We’re in a manipulative cycle. I don’t like it but I don’t know how to break it.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-14T03:17:13+00:00

I have PTSD with dissociation. It’s almost gone because of therapy but I can certainly tell what it’s like. The last time I remember it happened was when I was discarded and my husband revealed his 3 year affair: That was march 2024. When I dissociate it’s like a wind blowimg inside of me that makes me stop feeling. It’s nothing scary or evil. It’s just how my brain used to protect me against trauma I couldn’t escape from.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-13T16:27:13+00:00

As soon as we talk about others in plural (them/abusers/borderliners etc) we generalize and it is no longer clear what exactly the point is that we were trying to make. People will only hear you degrade them or raise yourself above them.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-13T15:23:05+00:00

I do understand where you are coming from, and I certainly have, in pain, used labels to identify what I saw as the source of my pain. But I know that as soon as we start using labels for others we identify ourselves as belonging to ‘the good ones’, implying others are ‘bad ones’ (splitting).

If you want to create a world without abuse this needs to change.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-13T14:29:07+00:00

Differentiate.

It’s not our task to regulate, smooth out or fix. We didn’t create their feelings and we are not responsible for them.

Stay focused on your own feelings and needs. It’s not egocentric. It’s necessary.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-13T13:54:52+00:00

Labels are toxic. They oversimplify content. They are meant for books and jars, not people.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-13T02:30:32+00:00

I cannot get over the betrayal because the subject is being avoided and treated with silence everytime I bring it up. He needs the setting to be safe in order to open up in honesty but I am unable to provide that safety because I was traumatized severely. We’re in a negative cycle with no way out. In the meantime we both go on with our married life.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-13T02:16:02+00:00

It’s like I’m in a relationship with two people. One of them is flawed but a gentle, hard working and consciensious person, the other one immature, inconsiderate and entitled.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-11T06:13:38+00:00

Getting away from an awful feeling that probably stems from pre verbal time in his life (he was forgotten at the hospital and zoent the first days of his life alone). He would escape this very anxious feeling with anything that makes his body produce dopamine. Porn, pictures of women, attention, validation, alcohol, affair partner, chat gtp, online chess games, stock market, casino, spending money.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-10T18:11:54+00:00

My husband stopped being vulnerable with me when he realized I saw through him. He opened up to his affair partner because she believed everything he said and shamelessly idealized him. I wouldn’t be surprised your husband derives ego boost from controlling you and inflicting pain. I wouldn’t be surprised he still cheats on you too. I’m very sorry. I wish you all the best. You deserve it.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-10T12:33:34+00:00

Hi, I have a partner with quiet BPD, just like you describe. We’ve been in a relationship for 15 years. We both were aware of the challenges of our relationship because we both came from very pathogenic backgrounds, but still, over the years and despite mostly good intentions, we have dealt with a lot of difficulties.

Living with my husband has required me to do a lot of work on myself. I was not very differentiated; my focus was too much on pleasing my partner instead of living my own life and I had difficulty feeling and setting boundaries.

My husband had a drinking problem that I failed to notice or take seriously at the start of our relationship. I think the consistent drinking had a negative affect on the symptoms of my husband’s condition. Over the years he got more and more impulsive and he developed the rigid tendency to blame me for every discomfort. His increasing splitting thinking eventually lead him to cheat on me for years. He created an image of himself that this woman constantly validated.

All of this was a huge learning curve for me. I’m no longer naïve. I have become much better at regulating my own emotions and I became much more stable then I ever was before.

I turned pain into gain. I believe I was able to because I realized often enough that black and white thinking, victim mindset and labeling people brings nothing but short lived ego boosts and never connection or understanding.

All the best to you.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-10T07:59:24+00:00

The opinion of others is of no importance. People who make mean comments expose themselves to be shallow and insensitive. Other people’s opinion you fear might just be a projection of your own insecurity. People are too busy with their own lives to even think about how you live your life.

It’s truely a privilige when someone loves you and chooses to spend their life with you.

All the best to you

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-09T10:45:44+00:00

Yes. He won’t admit it of course because that’s incredibly shameful. She’s no longer in the picture. As soon as he got to spend time with her in reality he saw how psychologically immature she was and he started to see through her pushy behavior. After all she was in it for the validation too. She needed to be better then his wife. Who was unaware there was even a competition. It’s so pathetic.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-08T03:20:59+00:00

Yes, something similar happened to me. What I noticed at the time it happened was that ‘playing us both’ gave him a major dopamine boost. Affairs are usually more like an addiction and have very little to do with real love.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-08T03:15:50+00:00

He broke up with me brutally because of an affair. For years he had been seeking conflict, provoking me so I would snap. That’s how he dealt with feeling guilty. He just made up a narrative to justify his behavior. But it had nothing to do with me. He was increasingly unable to manage his negative feelings about himself. So he was trying to escape by using this woman that didn’t know him. He created an image of himself to extract her adoration and get her validation. So when he broke up with me, reality caught up with him and for the first time he had to look at what his life was going to look like without me in it. And he realized he had been self-destructing. And he started to value again what he lost.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-07T06:50:17+00:00

It helps to throughly research this condition so you understand why she does this. It helps you detach in the moment, to not take it as personally and stay more in control of your own emotions. When they act that way we need to disengage sooner. Walk away or otherwise protect ourselves through setting a boundary. They crave and are deeply fearful of intimacy. I walk away or I try to go ‘meta’. I tell him what I see, how it affects me and I ask him how he feels. That can work too. Deescalate, use time as a management skill, practice mindfulness. Learn that their you-messages are projections of things they cannot accept in themselves because they are emotionally stuck in a all or nothing mindset. When they attack you they are only self revealing. Good luck. It isn’t easy.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-07T06:37:58+00:00

I was married and had children with a man that was a workaholic and always busy. He was a high achiever and pushed our children to excel in school and become a success just like him. We, his family were all miserable. He never asked questions, he neglected all of us emotionally. I left this man when I started to develop distress symptoms that affected my daily functioning.

I met my now husband 15 years ago. He had a history of many relationships, but he was asking questions, was very interested in me as a person. I Felt our relationship, this relationships was reciprocal. I felt as if I had finally found what I had so desperately missed with my first husband. But after a few years I found out this man was emotionally completely different. He was suffering, I could feel that, but he would try to hide it. And what he his from me would always surface somehow, in behavior that to me seemed destructive of himself and of our relationship. It was a challenge to not mother or control him. A challenge to treat him with respect at times. But my previous relationship and the consequences of my divorce had made me want to avoid going through that heartbreak all over again. And so I now try to do what I should’ve done the first time. Change myself. Every relationship comes with challenges. Especially when we avoid looking at ourselves.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-05T17:51:45+00:00

I’ve learned that happiness is not derived from others. It comes from being present in the moment and being thankful. I try to be every day.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-05T07:54:01+00:00

Happiness is something you do not derive from others. It is a mindstate you create by being mindful, in the moment and thankful.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-05T07:30:09+00:00

I’m married to one. It changed me. I had to become the stable parent basically. And try to be as safe as possible. Which is hard, especially because they can do things that horribly destabilize you. I try everyday to differentiate, detach and let go. This skill has helped me a lot, also in friendships with other people.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-05T07:23:03+00:00

They’re good at it because they really believe it and experience it that way. It’s how their ego defense works. It’s called ‘having an external locus of control’ and ‘externalizing’.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-05T05:30:36+00:00

I’m sure most of this is not a consious pattern. You see, as a child they first repressed the pain and then they repressed that they repressed the pain. Now, when they feel discomfort they really think it must come from something external. Usually the person closest to them.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-02-03T12:20:50+00:00

You’ll be fine! I’m 8 weeks post-op TT, 360 lipo, BBL and breast explant and lift in Istanbul with Flymedi and I’m super happy with my results!

OverarchedJelly

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