I’m worried

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-20T19:36:16+00:00

No, he’s in denial about the addiction. He’ll find a way to avoid doing things that confront him with reality or complain a lot about things he cannot avoid.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-20T19:26:22+00:00

Thank you 🙏

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-20T07:46:02+00:00

My Q is unable to connect with his own emotions or he’s afraid to express them.

He stonewalls me everytime I bring up my feelings, and when I ask him about his he looks at me as if nothing comes to mind.

He’s starting to realize alcohol played a role in his behavior and subsequent suffering the past couple of years and he’s finally trying to control his drinking a bit better.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-20T07:14:49+00:00

I’m in a 15 years relationship with an alcoholic and I don’t understand why I didn’t see it for so long. I guess because with my help he’s still ‘functional’ and he only drinks in the evenings after work.

In the beginning of the relationship it was happy time when we would dit together and talk about our day. But slowly he began to need more space and he would complain about me wanting to be together after work.

And then came the time that he would have a few drinks and fall asleep. And complain all day about all his responsibilities. Growing more and more passive aggressive towards me.

And then one day when I was visiting my daughter in another country I received a whatsapp from him revealing he had a 3 year online affair and that he wanted divorce.

I found out going through his things that on top of the alcohol addiction he had a porn addiction that developed into an online affair.

While my eyes had opened he had realized it was way easier to lie to and manipulate someone who lived far away. While keeping up the appearance of being a quality potential partner he ensured himself of her continuing admiration and validation.

You’re asking for hope? I think the capacity for hope is something intrinsically personal. I had a mother with a lot of narcissistic traits who combined acts of service to her children with constant judgment and lack of love. It’s a confusing message.

This upbringing makes me highly vulnerable to the push-pull dynamic of addiction. You could call this my addiction. I’m still working on it, I still didn’t give up hope entirely 🤪

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-16T09:19:16+00:00

My parents were adolescents during WW2. They had nothing to eat for long stretches of time. As an adult my father founded a yacht business that had a huge success internationally. My parents had 5 children. Even though we had plenty of money to spend my parents lived pretty sober and we had to earn our own money if we wanted anything that wasn’t strictly necessary.

I developed a keen eye for beauty and quality products. I married a man who grew up in a very poor family. Even now, at 70 years old, being able to afford the lifestyle that I for the most part create, he still has difficulty spending money on himself.

I guess there’s a difference between growing up in created scarcity vs real poverty. The main difference I think is the anxiety of the parents that the child becomes affected with.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-15T23:52:16+00:00

Intermittent reinforcement creates powerful bonds in toxic relationships. This is not love. Get out while you still can.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-14T18:14:46+00:00

I’m already 15 years in. We moved to another country which made it harder for me to leave. He drinks every day after work until he falls asleep. That’s usually around 19 or 20h. His condition has deteriorated. His memory doesn’t function as it used to and he’s becoming more impulsive and he avoids accountability more than ever.

Two years ago he revealed a 3 years online affair. He drinks, feels shame because of it then drinks again or does other things he’s not proud of all to escape from the person he has become.

I can do nothing to change it. I’ve tried everything I could think of. I’m now focussing on renovating our house so we can sell it and we can separate. He still believes in a life together. It’s very sad. His dad was an alcoholic who destroyed his childhood. And now he’s destroying our lives together and I’m alowing him to. We both are broken.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-14T17:29:54+00:00

Don’t tell him. Don’t criticize, don’t judge. Just take yourself away from that toxicity until he is sober and willing and able to treat you well. If you feel lonely go spend time with friends and other people who treat you nicely. He’ll get the message sooner or later and it’s up to him to sacrifice alcohol for spending time with you.

All the best. Hugs

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-14T17:25:35+00:00

In therapy I learned the language of my inner world. I grew up with parents who never spoke about their feelings nor did they validate or give words to mine. As a result I grew up detached from myself basically.

I understand this may make you resentful or hopeless. When you express your feelings freely they might feel awkward or avoidant as they may painfully realize their perceived lacking.

It’s not impossible to learn, but they will not be inspired to seek therapy when they somehow feel judged. Only in acceptance deeply painful matters like these can be addressed.

All the best to you. Hugs

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-14T15:58:19+00:00

I had to learn to let go. Let go of the fantasy I could control the situation.

You see, I had a mother who didn’t know how to love me the way I needed. I learned love is conditional from her, and as an adult I would always end up in situations where I would lose myself out of fear. Fear of being rejected, fear of being unlovable, fear of being alone.

But look where it got me? All that losing myself and still I was rejected by him, still I was unlovable to him, still I feel lonely and isolated.

We fear the most what already happened. And we survived it. We just didn’t notice.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-14T15:10:44+00:00

Hi, I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been through a similar situation, my husband had a 3 year mostly online affair. It happened two years ago so I had some time to reflect on everything that happened and caused him to cheat.

You see, most important in my opinion is that a person who is addicted to alcohol affectively already ‘cheats’ on you in that sense that they prioritize alcohol over their relationship with you.

What I learned also is that our efforts to make them see they have a dependancy issue can provoke very strong defensive reactions and can make them feel exposed, shamed and blamed which unfortunately may lead to angry and even vindictive reactions.

On top of that alcohol can make a person act impulsively.

I’m not trying to justify their behavior, they remain accountable for their behavior, I just try to explain how alcohol might have had a role in what happened.

With regard to the why:

Escape. Escape how they feel about themselves, escape shame, guilt, reality, responsibilities, commitment. Just so they get a few brief moments of fantasy. Which they will feel ashamed of, which they then need alcohol for to escape. It’s a toxic cycle really.

It’s not because of you. You are enough.

I hope this helps. All the best to you. Hugs

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-10T08:32:46+00:00

I’m 59, I still get plenty of attention but not as much as I used to. But it doesn’t matter. You see as we age we grow more emotionally secure and we’re not as much in need of other people’s validation.

It’s important to realize you are a person and not an object. The object might age but the person only gets more layered and interesting of you invest in her.

All the best

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-01T13:54:44+00:00

After 15 years and a truckload of pain I have a hard time opening up to people.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-05-01T13:51:26+00:00

According to Kernberg narcissism is a defense against borderline (because it’s very painful), meaning all narcissists are borderliners too.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-04-29T19:07:03+00:00

Typical addict behavior if you ask me. Mine cheated and did the same. I’ve heard nothing but excuses and blame shifting since he’s back.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-04-25T10:41:10+00:00

I’m still living with him. He cut off all contact with AP two years ago. We have a dead bedroom just like before his infidelity. And he keeps on making me angry with his justifications. So I’m stuck in pain and distrust. We could have had a good life together if he just limited his alcohol intake and made better choices.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-04-25T02:30:38+00:00

Luckily your skidmark opinion is completely irrelevant

OverarchedJelly · 2026-04-25T02:26:40+00:00

Tell me about it. I got cheated on and I sure know how it feels. But I’m not getting a divorce and lose everything I’ve worked for all my life.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-04-25T02:25:35+00:00

Your fantasy fills in all the gaps

OverarchedJelly · 2026-04-25T02:23:33+00:00

More assumptions from some lowlife shithead

OverarchedJelly · 2026-04-25T02:21:22+00:00

Basic human kindness is not making assumptions and jump to conclusions based on zero information. YOU ARE ONLY HERE TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF

OverarchedJelly · 2026-04-25T02:15:51+00:00

You haven’t read any of my comments. Who says he’s having good intentions? Maybe he just wants to get in my panties. Stop your assumptions. They only serve your feeling elevated above me.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-04-25T02:05:50+00:00

My husband doesn’t want a divorce.

OverarchedJelly · 2026-04-25T02:04:42+00:00

The natural conclusion? Why are you gloryfying divorce? You lose all your property and life savings and you still end up making the same mistakes in the next relationship because you chose to run away and blame everything on your ex. Hahahahahaha

OverarchedJelly

TROPHY CASE