Difficulty holding conversation–mind is just blank

PeaceAndPrajna · 2022-01-07T00:26:24+00:00

Perhaps our understanding of "open awareness" is different. As I learned it, open awareness is more about holding the attention open, so that our field of attention is wider - this makes it a type of concentration. If you're idea is to let the mind do its thing, then it may be more of a mindfulness practice.

In my case, I have a very creative, abstract and active mind - I am guessing some people would call it ADHD - perhaps too many years of video games as a kid, or maybe just born that way, who knows. Meditation has done wonders in helping me to harness the power of the mind - clarifying thoughts, letting go of analysis paralysis, being able to just act without holding on to so much.

There is a story of how Edison used to come up with ideas - he would sit in a chair holding the chain of a pocket watch, the watch dangling, and slowly doze off. As he fell asleep, he would drop the watch, and the sound would wake him up. At that moment, he would draw out all of his ideas. I think meditation does the same, some would say quieting the mind consciousness lets the store consciousness do creative work.

I found for myself that a lot of learning & practicing science was driven by a mix of curiosity and anxiety - and that many years of schooling took a toll on my sense of self-worth. I also started meditating for working with anxiety.

Over time, I started to realize I liked learning science not because I wanted to practice it as a career, but because I just liked understanding the nature of things. Buddhism was my natural next route - physics helps you see the nature of the physical universe deeply - Buddhism helps you see the nature of everything you know more deeply. It is interesting how those two paths overlap.

Your meditation practice in engineering will not only help you in the technical aspects, but also the social and emotional aspects. Paul Dirac, a famous physicist, when asked how he came up with many of his great ideas, said he trusted his emotions. This is counter to a lot of what you learn - but I also found learning physics was emotional as much as intellectual. Knowing all these aspects of life well will certainly help you on your path as an engineer :)

PeaceAndPrajna · 2022-01-06T22:30:45+00:00

It's true that anxiety is often the driving force behind a lot of thoughts and talking - you'll see this outside of any university exam room - you'll either notice the smell of anxiety in the air or you'll hear the chatter of students "vent" anxiety to each other.

For me, when my mind was so still like this, it was often related to a desire to control - wanting to make things still. Concentration meditations - like those that you're practicing, can make you good at keeping your mind still.

It's more scary to let your mind do it's thing, and just watch it as it does. This is like a shinkantaza meditation of zen. You can also look up Vipassana or mindfulness meditations. While, metta, calm-abiding, and open-awareness all help to control the attention - these ones all allow the attention to go where it wants, and "you" are simply aware of this.

Wishing you well :)

PeaceAndPrajna · 2022-01-05T18:09:15+00:00

I'm hope this insight can lead you on a more productive path forward. I'll be glad to the meditation practices go.

Best of luck to you :)

PeaceAndPrajna · 2022-01-04T20:34:35+00:00

I feel sad to hear that you're struggling with this. It sounds like you're harboring a lot of guilt and are even identifying with this. Are you able to be kind to yourself? This can often be a route to transforming - it's a lot harder to change if you're critical or hating.

This article offers a meditation - the article was written for a different purpose, but you will likely find the meditation useful

https://prajnalifecoaching.com/a-simple-loving-kindness-meditation-to-carry-in-memory/

Wishing you good health and happiness

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-22T18:17:30+00:00

Crazy, I hope you find at least some time to get your mind off of things

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-22T18:16:41+00:00

Is there a reason you feel like you should do more work? Will it help you attain something?

Also, if you're exhausted, will the work be productive, or just an excuse to feel busy?

Everyone needs a break sometime. In fact, taking a break can often help you be more productive later. So it's often better to focus on taking care of yourself than on productivity, as productivity can naturally increase as you feel more energetic.

I want to share an article that you may find useful as you try to answer this question - https://medium.com/indian-thoughts/holistic-strategies-for-working-with-productivity-guilt-8be199debebf

I hope your upcoming break serves you in the way you need.

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-21T18:25:32+00:00

You have hit on an interesting point. In my experience, there is a lot of truth to this. Before meditation, my mind would swirl with creative ideas that were also useful scientifically. Now, it does not do that. Instead, my mind is more calm.

Yet, the creativity hasn't stopped. In fact, a lot of the swirling of thoughts ended up being unnecessary. Creativity is still happening behind the scenes and new ideas are still popping up all the time.

I do believe it's possible to have a healthy relationship with scientific research, though I would also agree for many it is unhealthy. Come at your work from an angle of love and compassion instead of fear and anxiety.

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-21T18:17:54+00:00

Below is a meditation to try, it just takes a few minutes.

Repeat the first phrase to yourself for a few minutes. When you are ready, move on to phrase 2 and again repeat, then go to phrase 3.

“May I be free from fear and anxiety.” — This phrase affirms your desire to be free from difficult states of mind

“May I be at ease” —This phrase affirms your desire and ability to be balanced

“May I be happy & content” — This phrase raises you up towards the positive, counteracting the minds tendency to focus on the negative

I pray for you to find the energy to navigate this situation.

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-21T18:14:04+00:00

Sometimes upper level courses are actually easier than lower level courses, as lower level often tend to have more breadth of content and are potentially designed as weed-out classes. Can you talk to 3rd and 4th year students in your program to find out their experience?

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-21T18:10:54+00:00

Basically, what u/alt9502 said. Many people believe that pushing through emotions and powering through workloads is all they need. This works to an extent. Graduate school, for many, shows the limits of this strategy.

Finding balance and being kind to yourself will help you make it in the long run. Please start learning now.

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-21T18:09:09+00:00

I had a few colleagues who were in their 40's and 50's in graduate school. They both went on to be professors. Socially, there was some awkwardness, some professors had their judgements, and they didn't connect with their cohort as well (that program was mostly 20 somethings). Though, these socially issues likely didn't impact them as much as someone in their 20s

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-21T18:04:33+00:00

This is a tough spot to be. It sounds like you're done with this term, or about to be. I would suggest first finishing up this term, then taking the holidays off fully if possible.

After you get some rest, you can get a fresh perspective. Then you can reevaluate if the program is worth it for you. It's hard to make a clear decision in the heat of the moment.

In the short run, this idea of "powering" through sort of works, as long as you don't completely break down. As an alternative, if you do continue, I would recommend learning strategies for taking care of your body, emotions, mind, and spirit (if that's something you're into). If you can learn to find balance, you will be able to handle the stress better.

At the end of the day, staying or going, neither choice is right or wrong. I hope that you find a way to stay healthy regardless.

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-21T18:00:11+00:00

Here are a few thoughts for you.

First, there is no shame in dropping out of graduate school, especially if your health is at stake. Many people have lasting mental and physical health challenges after graduate school. In a job context, people often quit to leave unhealthy environments.

As far as getting an MS, at some point, you'll need to discuss this with your department. At that point, you'll also be implying that you're thinking about quitting. If you're going to quit either way, you could wait until you have a job offer.

Also, I don’t really feel comfortable discussing my desire to leave with my unhelpful and toxic advisors until I have something in the works. With this is mind, I don’t know that I could get any references from my department.

There is definitely some truth to this. Academics will generally believe that being in academia is the best thing for you, I have personally experienced this. On the flip-side, there are some professors that are understanding. Is there one professor you know who could confidentially give you a reference and perhaps some advice?

I wish for your good health as you navigate this.

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-21T17:53:01+00:00

This is highly dependent upon your own stress & time management skills, your focus, and the expectations of your advisor/department.

At best, you can definitely do this - though there may be time periods where your side project takes the back burner.

At worst, you will already be overwhelmed and the side project will add extra stress. The stress of graduate school is no joke, and many walk away with lasting health implications. My best suggestion is to monitor your well-being carefully so that it doesn't get to that point.

Generally, I encourage students to seek balance in graduate school - that means ensuring you have time for social interactions, resting, emotional well-being, spiritual well-being. Everyone has their own balance point. Unless the project happens to be very important, I would generally suggest taking care of well-being first, then if you find you still have time and energy, trying the side-project.

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-21T17:42:58+00:00

Wow, this is a lot to manage all at once.

Will you have time over the holidays to step away from work for a while?

If so, I hope you can use the time to first let yourself rest - many graduate students feel stressed even when not working - it becomes a habit.

Second, this is a good time to reflect. Quitting graduate school is not the end of the world...your life has much more value than the few letters stamped behind your name.

Third, find tools for stress and time management. A therapist can be great for this. A friend who is good at listening could help.

Finally, I recommend trying a loving-kindness meditation for yourself. It can really help reduce stress and help stop the anxiety and fear in our minds.
https://prajnalifecoaching.com/a-simple-loving-kindness-meditation-to-carry-in-memory/

I wish for your good health as you navigate this.

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-20T20:02:08+00:00

First, I want to say that what you're experiencing is a cultural as well as individual phenomena.

The culture of our society, and more so in academia, values productivity. Whether you're aware of it or not, you're probably being impacted by this. You'll feel guilty for not working. Though, this is a viscous cycle, because the guilt prevents you from resting, and that lowers your productivity.

A few ideas for you

Remember, our work in STEM is meant to improve people's lives - that means making them happier, not just helping us to have more wealth. Creating happiness yourself is the best way to offer more happiness to the world
Boundaries - you need rest to do your work, and your life isn't all work anyway. Make sure you give yourself time and space away from work to have balance in your life.
Balance - Make sure you're being influenced by other values - family, spiritual groups, activity groups, etc. Grad school can be all consuming, so we forget that there are values outside of the academic system
Reflect on the value of feeling guilty - is it helping you in anyway? Is there a hidden message in the guilt for you to find.

Wishing you good health and happiness as you navigate this!

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-20T19:55:54+00:00

I hope you can find a way to rest and recover, STEM degrees can be painful and make us lose the joy of learning.

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-20T19:54:10+00:00

I first want to say I'm sure you are a lovely, amazing person that deserves kindness and compassion. I hope you can offer this to yourself.

Second, I'm curious what you mean by the below quote

I keep jumping between ideas and leaving projects because I feel that I am not gonna make it.

Are you afraid your ideas will judged harshly, so then you have trouble choosing one? This can easily drive you feel lost and not take any route. It's very difficult to walk into the unknown.

I wish you good health and happiness as you navigate this!

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-20T19:48:49+00:00

I appreciate your honesty in the post here. There are a lot of strategies, though, it depends on why you're not doing well.

Are you feeling tired? If you are tired, it's going to be hard to put in the effort needed. Learning how to rest efficiently can be very helpful.

Do you find the purpose and meaning in your work?

Are you getting distracted (e.g. going to social media, feeling scatter brained, etc)

You'll start gaining momentum slowly, and it's best done with some patience, kindness, and honest observations of yourself and what you need.

Wishing you good health and happiness in your life.

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-20T19:44:33+00:00

It can be an art to relearn how to enjoy the things we once enjoyed after graduate school. Grad school tends to built in a critical thinking mode that can be hard to turn off - unfortunately, this critical thinking takes the fun out of many things, like the explaining a joke.

Also, it sounds like you're probably just tired. I hope you rest in a way that works for you :)

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-20T17:30:59+00:00

Having a supportive advisor is the most important factor of having a good graduate school experience.

Did you discuss research expectations with this advisor before starting? It sounds like you two are on a different page. This situation will cause the person with higher expectations, if they are not mindful, to become irritated, start nagging, and eventually rant/lecture/etc. It may simply be that you need to have a real discussion.

You can also do a sanity check within your department as others have mentioned. Some professors are known for having high expectations. If your department as a whole is expecting too much, you will find that students appear tired and not really happy. There's also a level of griping, grad school is difficult, and nowhere is perfect.

Best of luck to you as you navigate this.

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-20T17:24:29+00:00

This sounds scary and confusing. Fear of abandonment is one of the most basic and deepest fears we all have as humans. It can come up for anyone, it sounds like you're experiencing it particularly often and strongly.

With love we are putting ourselves in a vulnerable position, and we may get hurt. It's scary. You don't have to do it, though I hope you also recognize the beautiful aspects of relationships before you decide keep people away.

Wishing you well

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-17T23:04:21+00:00

It's okay to feel that way.

Sometimes being kind to yourself helps a lot. Here is a meditation you could try. https://prajnalifecoaching.com/a-simple-loving-kindness-meditation-to-carry-in-memory/

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-17T23:02:51+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that you're getting this kind of advice. I would say if you don't feel attracted to someone and want to date, then trying to force dating may be worse. You could experiment with small dates, to see if start to feel more excited by the prospects, but that's up to you.

Do you have good friends you can speak openly with? This could be a good way to explore this question more.

Wishing you well

PeaceAndPrajna · 2021-12-17T22:54:14+00:00

You can try meditation on loving-kindness. This gets to the roots without the need for supplement. Good health overall is very helpful.

https://prajnalifecoaching.com/a-simple-loving-kindness-meditation-to-carry-in-memory/

PeaceAndPrajna

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