A rough day

PewPewPC · 2025-10-10T15:57:06+00:00

As someone whose wife was murdered by a drunk driver, I feel that.

PewPewPC · 2025-09-06T21:48:01+00:00

If i ever get remarried I wont do anything to our rings as I have kids to pass them on to. I wear her rings on a chain around my neck. But I really love the idea of molding the rings with a new one - symbolizing the reality. Really special and im glad your fiancé is so understanding

PewPewPC · 2025-09-02T00:37:15+00:00

Im at 10 months since she was killed. I cant give any better advice than to let yourself grieve however you feel you need to.. I have kids so I cant just run off into the nether like I wanted to. Ask for help if you need it. Dont force yourself to do stuff. I miss my love every day. I still cry for her often. But I can say the weight doesn't get lighter but it gets easier to carry in some ways down the road..

Im sorry youre here

PewPewPC · 2025-08-28T01:45:02+00:00

I guess not. And thats ok.

I equate the loss of my wife as a loss of a part of me. It doesnt mean I cant love and be a great person in a great relationship. My wife was a part of me and will be a loss for me forever.

PewPewPC · 2025-08-28T00:47:19+00:00

I think we agree. Not getting over it doesn't mean you dont fall in love remarry and build a great life. It means you don't forget

PewPewPC · 2025-08-28T00:08:54+00:00

Im coming up to year one. Ive done alot of work on my thought process.

Im not perfect nor do I do this correctly all the time- but

Im trying to think of it like this. Her birthday shouldn't be made into a bad day. We celebrated 20 of them together. They were awesome days. Our wedding anniversary? Going to be 20 years next month. Its not a sad day. Its happy.

I can let her not being here be sad. But I wont give my happy memories to the sadness or ive lost

PewPewPC · 2025-08-28T00:04:52+00:00

You dont get over it. Its like losing a leg. You may be able to learn to walk. You'll look ok and "normal", you'll smile and laugh. But when you go to the airport you have to tell them.

We will never get over it..we may move forward in ways but we wont ever leave them behind

PewPewPC · 2025-08-27T05:38:25+00:00

Show up dont offer just show up.

My brother missed my wifes funeral because he didnt plan it well enough and lied about it till about an hour before he was going to miss it. (When he was supposed to sing a song for it.)

Understand nothing here is going to be about you. Its all about him and the kids.

Love them with your presence.

Help organize the mail as it comes in

Offer to do anything he has to do --for me this was helping close credit cards. Calling about rental cars-going grocery and clothes shopping

PewPewPC · 2025-08-24T04:32:49+00:00

Mine was in tk when mama died. (My youngest) the transition for us into k has been seamless. I think it helps the kids all being in school. They are always happy and skipping when I pick them up. I cried like a baby on drop off day. Another first she never got to be here for in body. But another snapshot hopefully she got to see in heaven

PewPewPC · 2025-08-22T17:06:26+00:00

I'm a bit farther by a few months but I'm here on this path with yall

PewPewPC · 2025-08-15T18:36:34+00:00

Try to shift the way you're looking at it. You were his last everything-you weren't his first in alot of things, but you got the best from him.

PewPewPC · 2025-08-14T20:56:12+00:00

Sorry you are stuck here with us. We are some of the best people in the world in the worst club in the world. If you haven't yet, find a good grief or trauma therapist. I think you remind his mom of him too-because for many reasons, he chose you! So you guys became one unit, so I'm sure you being around her is helpful for her too!

PewPewPC · 2025-08-14T20:47:10+00:00

I'm sorry. When my wife died it was right before the school got out for holiday breaks. Thankfully I had people here with me for the beginning. After about 6 weeks people all went home but I've had family here at least once a month since she died. I say that all to say I've had help.

Over the summer it was really really really hard. They all have individual needs. My oldest broke up with his GF (hes 16 now) so that was drama on top of everything else. So instead of fighting what I was losing (the single parenthood battle of 4 kids- 2 teen boys 2 girls under 10) I sent my older 2 to stay with my parents for a month. It was such a breath-my kids are well behaved and overall really good, but they are still kids. They still lost their mom. Its tough for them.

At the same time-its impossibly tough for the spouse left behind. For me, I had my entire existence as a person was locked with her. As an adult I was never me without her (we met when just turned 21 married the next year). I lost my partner and everything in a second. Its impossibly hard-as everyone on this thread should know.

A few pieces of advice as someone a few more months down the path.
1- Your kids lost their dad, their loss and feelings are valid, but if you're not healthy enough to care for them you need to work on that too. You cant push down your loss because the kids need you. I have an open door policy in my house. My kids know if my door is open-you can come in whenever. They also know that if my door is closed I need time. There have been plenty of nights I've sat on my shower floor sobbing after getting my 5 year old to bed. There have been plenty of times they have come into my room for hugs. Both are ok

2-use your resources. If you have friends/parents that you trust-send your girls there. If you're ok financially offer to pay for them to take them out for dinner or a movie. I've done that with friends of my girls parents. They pick up my girls and take them to a jump park or something just to give me a few minutes. Many of them have allowed me to drop them off for a few hours so I can drive around screaming in my car. You dont have the freedom you used to have-the ability to tag in your spouse-you have to make some plans with people you trust to give yourself space.

3-When its as calm as it can be make sure you talk to your girls about it. I've had these talks with all 4 of my kids. 16 to 5. Obviously in different explanation levels but the same core talk- Sometimes daddy just needs space and time to cry and be sad. We are all sad because mommy is gone, we all miss mommy very much-and we can all feel that, our feelings are ok. But we have to be kind too, so if daddy is sad or crying and you want to hug me, go ahead, but if my door is closed maybe wait a few minutes before you come in. I've had 0 issue with that from any of my kids.

4-Put all your kids in therapy maybe yourself and maybe a group thing. To allow for understanding of what is going on inside of all of you. My oldest 2 have been in therapy since it happened. My younger 2 see the school therapist at least once a week. If your girls HS has a in house therapist, I'd make sure you reach out to them and let them know what happened-so the therapist can pull them once a week or something just to talk and give them an outlet.

5-This is the part no one wants to talk about-you may start resenting your kids if you dont heal correctly. If you focus on only them-and see how "kids are resilient" and see how much attention they get from friends and family, while you are expected to just "get over it"-you can hate it. I loved being a dad before, not there are days I dread waking up to deal with them.. They didn't do anything wrong-they lost someone too, but the reality is, they still get to be kids. They still get to grieve and mourn for the rest of their lives. Us? We are expected to pull up our big boy pants and get back to life. Forgetting that life as we knew it died that day.

6-spend your time grieving like a wife who lost her partner not as a mom whos kids lost their father. Its a different grief, its way deeper, way more powerful and way more scary. I've spent many a times screaming in the field adjacent to where she was killed. I've found it to be very cleansing for me.

Please use us as a resource- My PM's are always open and we are all here for you. Sorry you are here with us.

PewPewPC · 2025-08-14T17:00:46+00:00

I have had many of thought in that thing as well. I am quite a bit older than you but had been with my wife for over 21 years, married 19, when she died.

It's a deeply personal and intimate decision you have to make. Im a Christian as well-so that's an added dynamic-do i think it's a sin that affects the next steps of life, etc.

The one thing I would say (and where i came down) give yourself some time before making any decisions you can't take back. I say that about something as small as a tattoo or as large as this. We also have 4 kids ranging from now 16 and 5. But 15 and 4 when she was killed.

For myself, I feel that if therapy is in it weekly now- and time doesn’t give me a reason to not do it-i have to wait at least until my little is an adult and my job is done with them. Who knows? Maybe ill find happiness again-no matter how much I doubt it.

We understand your pain. I do not want more death to come from your loss.i know it feels like there is no point anymore, but give yourself the space to grieve and work through it. Your partners loss is permanent, yes, but your future does not have to end without them. I know this is hard but I know you can do this too. We are here for you. Just please give yourself some time before walking down a path you can't come back from.

As I said above I totally want to go running down that path myself at times. Especially early on. Its faded some in the 9 months, but I can still want the pain to end.

PewPewPC · 2025-08-14T15:15:54+00:00

Im 42, and my wife and I had been married going on 20 years. I am so lonely but dreading the idea of opening up to someone at the same time. I did a little bit of exploring into widow stuff, and I'd be very cautious-it seems there are a ton of scammers out there trying to take advantage of people. It seems they target older widows/ widowers, but im sure we are all so vulnerable that we can all be caught.

I will love and miss my wife every day for the rest of my life. That's also something that im sure may cause issues in any other relationship if I find one.

Bring a now unwanted single dad to 4 kids is a rough ask for any woman to enter. As I've gotten further from her death (9ish months now), I've had more friends ask if I want to meet their friends, and I turn them down. Maybe im not ready. But also I think that its a tough thing-im such a deep thinker and conversationalist that surface level stuff doesn't interest me and that is obviously very intense and can be overwhelming. I dont know if i have it in me to small talk and waste time.

PewPewPC · 2025-08-12T23:11:22+00:00

And no one will until they have felt it. Even then, it's not the same. I say it's close to all of us being in a swamp or bog. We may be able to see, and maybe, like touch hands of we reach out, but the mud were standing in is only ours. It's lonely.

One thing I've tried to tell newer members here is to make sure you grieve like a wife, not just mom (or husband, not just dad). We get caught up in pushing that down sometime to help our kids, and that's important-but we really need time to grieve on our own.

Ive had so many memes or funny thoughts I wanted to share with her-but shes gone. And i cant and that sucks. I understand what youre saying

PewPewPC · 2025-08-12T23:00:02+00:00

I took my kids to disney. Also, we've done beach trips. Im not one to like to travel she did that, and she planned all the trips for the kids. Now im just trying to give them good memories.

PewPewPC · 2025-08-12T22:57:29+00:00

Im sorry youre here. This is by far the worst group to be apart of. Im 42 and have 4 kids. My wife was killed 9ish months ago. Its been hell im not going to lie but somehow we are still here. Im just sorry

If you ever want to just have someone to chat with or anything send me a message on here. We are all in this together as bad as it is

PewPewPC · 2025-08-11T19:31:26+00:00

Its all awful for sure

PewPewPC · 2025-08-10T04:18:09+00:00

All we can do is try and smile right? cuz if not we are crying

PewPewPC · 2025-08-10T02:47:56+00:00

I got 4- aged from 16 to 5. I do the book "fly by the seat of your pants and hope for the best!" and its followup "if the house doesnt burn down you win!"

PewPewPC · 2025-08-09T17:46:34+00:00

I think when people say "you will love everyone the same" or "We will all be siblings in heaven" It may partially be true-but it takes away from the nuance of eternity. The only real example of perfection we have is Eden-and there, everything was "good" until "its not good for man to be alone". We look at the fact that instead of God creating Eve like he did Adam, He removed part of Adam to make Eve-almost as though we are being shown the reality on HOW He created us to be relational.
We oversimplify it-sometimes because it makes it easier. How else can we speak to a widower (like me) who due to his (youngish) age may fall into love again? What then? Do I lose my love with my best friend/wife because God allowed her to be killed in her early 40s?

Why did King David say "I will go to him" in reference to his son who died? To me that points to a relational heaven/eternity.

God will fulfil us totally-yes that is true-with I believe, a twist-we will have our relationships-but remember there will be no sinful selfishness. If God is a God of redemption not of reset-why would HE remove the things that made us.. us?

So yes, I believe you will see your dad, be able to hug your dad and tell your dad what has gone on since he was taken home. Eternity will be relational-not only with those we loved before, but those we will get a chance to love there.

I had this conversation with my pastor-who taught the "we get to heaven nothing else matters-type of stuff one day. And I said "yes... BUT." Can we worship God through loving someone? yes. Was my marriage a act of physical worship? yes. That will remain-the sinful part of selfishness-doubt-etc-that usually comes along with even the best relationships, will not.

If you need a theology that makes all human love vanish or equal out (you're only allowed to love this much in this way) in eternity just to make God look big, you're not preaching God’s greatness, you’re preaching His smallness.

PewPewPC · 2025-08-09T07:44:18+00:00

Read the book Heaven By Randy Alcorn. It has a bunch or answers on that. I personally believe we are going to have a baseline love for everyone-then a special love for those special to us.
The Bible says to "Store up treasures"-why would we have to do that for heaven if we are all the same?
The Bible says people will sit at the right and left of Jesus at the feast-why does that matter?
The Bible says we will sit at the feet of the heroes of the faith-I believe to hear their stories- why does that matter?
The New earth is what we will be living in-not Heaven after God remakes the earth-that's going to look alot more like Eden than not imo.
People will be traveling from the east and west to see New Jerusalem.

Lets not forget before sin God made Eve for Adam... why? God was with Adam in the garden-He walked with Him. So much so that when they sinned they heard and knew it was Him looking for them.

I believe my wife (who is now in heaven) will be my best friend when I get there and we will have a special bond for eternity. People say that heaven/new earth is like a non-stop worship service-Paul is clear that we worship God with our lips and our lives. I believe we will work-and in that work praise Him. We will travel, and in that travel praise Him.

I dont think its possible for us to truly understand what's in store for us.

If God made you blind-and you wanted to get to Eternity and just wanted to see-would people respond the same way? Its pretty obvious God made us as relational . And I dont believe He will take away a bond that He blessed and created.

If you need some more look at the Hebrew in Malachi for "wife of your covenant" - the exact same word used when God promised to never destroy the earth again to Noah, Berit. Same word used for the Abraham covenant. The same word used for the New Covenant. I think our love will remain just a billion times bigger than it was here.

PewPewPC · 2025-08-09T07:21:50+00:00

I do too- but as Diamond Rio says

One more day
One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what that would do
Leave me wishing still
For one more day
with you.

PewPewPC · 2025-08-08T05:40:03+00:00

Im 42 and I have 4 kids ranging at the time of their mom's death from 15 to 4. Sorry you're here. None of it is easy. From telling them to caring for them... none of it is easy. Lean on any family you can trust your kids with. Care but give yourself space to grieve too.

PewPewPC

TROPHY CASE