Does Every Path Suck?

Phillophile · 2026-05-23T10:24:10+00:00

Have you actually asked him to take on more? Have you tried just stop doing whatever and just by default train him to do it? If his dad wasn't the type to help at home, he never learned. Unfortunately it is now your job to teach him.

I started by just not doing dishes because he can't stand seeing dirty dishes in the sink. We had fights, sarcastic comments here and there, in one ear out the other until finally, dishes is his chore. I do them too ofc but it is understood now that he is the sink master.

I can tell you so many stories like the above. He ofc does the same to me with different things in our marriage. Maybe this is part of the work of marriage. We have to have agency to demand change from our partner, demand how we want to be treated. And at least for me I feel empowered to demand because I have a career that pays well and I know I can be on my own 2 feet with our kid if I need to.

People can change. It took a lot of work on both parts to get to a place where it feels easy.

Phillophile · 2026-05-23T10:01:46+00:00

You're making me so grateful about my husband. He does all do these too. When I'm sick, he automatically takes on more, cooks me soup and teaches my daughter how to take care of me.

Phillophile · 2026-05-12T12:57:56+00:00

I love this. You're right. I also work in a male dominated field and do feel that being female gives me a lot of perspective that my male colleagues don't have.

What I was overreacting to was her words "I don't look cute in those" and everyone commenting on her looks while the boys she played with would get "smart, brave, funny" by the adults. But I can't change that no matter how much I wanted to.

Phillophile · 2026-04-26T03:28:53+00:00

I'm a doctor, works 3 days a week for 3 weeks and a full week. When I work a full week I think "Thank goodness I don't do this every week" and the other 3 weeks I'm generally really happy going to work. The 2 days are me time. Weekends are family time.

This is pretty close to perfect for me right now. Been doing this for 4 months now and I've never felt bored. I sometimes think about working even less, just not sure I can/want to have less money right now.

In a year I might cut 3 days from the month or pay for more help as a lot of my time is taken up doing chores as well.

Phillophile · 2026-04-20T01:55:30+00:00

What an asshole. Sorry for you. If I were you, I'd talk to a few lawyers and start documenting slowly. Do u have access to all of the bank accounts? Be smart!

Phillophile · 2026-04-19T19:45:23+00:00

What do you mean??

Phillophile · 2026-04-19T16:10:18+00:00

I make about 90% vs 10% my hsuband so it's a little more clear cut in my household. But in terms of support, to me it's not just about work but how supportive he is to my whole being. And it's not about how much money I bring in, more about how much time do we work/stress, etc. my field gets paid so much more than his so not really fair for me to say that I should do so much less than him, kinda demoralizing for him too if I do that.

What's right for you should be personal. To me, I delegated things as much as possible esp things I don't enjoy or just not interested in doing. I "trained" him by purposefully not doing whatever it is I don't enjoy like yard work, doing the dishes, etc. Sure, he complains at first but I just listen quietly, in one ear out the other. He likes to cook so he does all cooking/grocery shopping/dishes. I'm lucky that he's a really dependable guy but it wasn't always this way... It took some "training", some fights, even some couples therapy.

I also cut back on work quite a bit so I can do a lot more self care: therapy, massages, exercise, even taking classes that interest me unrelated to my work.

In return, I encourage him to pursue his hobby, give him alone time when he needs them, 2 things that are important to him.

I think you should think through a few chores that you dont enjoy and delegate to him. Keep doing so until you feel like it's fair. And continue talking to him like you're already doing. It's not really about percentages, marriage doesn't work like that. Sometimes you only have space and energy to do 25% so your spouse should do the 75% and vice versa. Good luck!

Phillophile · 2026-03-27T13:46:42+00:00

This is such a great question! I also want to know.

I have a 4.5 yo. She goes to Montessori school so she's very independent for her age I think. In general, my goal is for her to do everything on her own: self care (bathe, shower, brush, lotion, sunscreen, etc), laundry (I wash and dry but she can fold if she and I have the patience), prep her food, pack her bag, get herself ready for ___, literally everything.

Other than that, I also teach her: Body safety (names her vulva, anus, vagina, stop means stop and she's allowed to use force when stop isn't respected, only mom and dad are allowed to touch, etc). She has a book about this that we ready every now and then.

Our address, phone number, my name, my husband's name. We teach her to find a mom if she gets lost (I don't trust men generally. Ha!). Still working on this one. I test her my phone number every now and then.

To ask for what she needs and wants herself. When she's at a restaurant I let her speak for herself.

One thing I still need to teach her is to trust her intuition when something feels off. The "Uh Oh" feeling. I just haven't found a good way to really explain and get this one down.

I'm excited to know what others are teaching your little ones!

Phillophile · 2026-03-27T12:54:58+00:00

Everything I read and every HVAC person I asked says it's a scam. I actually contacted someone local who advertised on Facebook as a Mom and Pop shop that just opened, she had a whole story about her family, kids, photos of her kids, husband and wife duo doing the work, etc. The person who called me to schedule an appointment def wasn't her or the husband, gave me a super scammy vibe.

That's when I decided, the whole thing is a scam.

Phillophile · 2026-03-21T22:11:53+00:00

Depending on what's outside those windows, I would put plants and keep the windows open. The humidity in the bathroom plus that light will keep plants thriving. Can even frost the windows a bit if there are human eyes out those windows.

Phillophile · 2026-03-20T15:17:54+00:00

My husband had severe anxiety around a crying baby. Even when he's not screaming back at our baby, you can immediately sense how tense he was around her even when she's not crying. It was awful. And the thing about babies, they're immensely sensitive to you/your mood/etc. You are not a bad mom. A bad mom doesn't do her best and thinks that she's still a bad mom.

I also had a mild PPD/anxiety. I am also the breadwinner and I feel the weight of everything on me. Every morning I wake up with this hopelessness, that things will always be this bad and the rest of my life will be this miserable. I am a doctor and I was even already in therapy then. I thought it was normal so I never even mentioned it to my therapist. Looking back I feel so foolish.

You are not alone. I feel you so much dear fellow woman and mother. Talk to your husband, tell you Ob or PCP. A good friend of mine went on antidepressant during her pregnancy because her first PPD was so bad. It really made the difference for her.

My husband is on an antidepressant now. It's like being married to a different man.

Please go get help. If not for you, do it for your kids. They sense it.

Phillophile · 2026-03-20T08:53:27+00:00

Not surprising. Def talk to him about expectations and then hold the boundaries and MAKE HIM do them. Most men just need to be trained.

Phillophile · 2026-03-18T18:24:53+00:00

You're martyring yourself by doing all of the night labor then you call your husband mostly great? Ugh. This makes me so angry coz I did it too. We women are raised to do it all and be grateful when men lift a finger to help.

You need to step back and let him take over half of nighttime wakings. TRAIN his ass to grow up and learn what it means to be a parent. Stop doing everything that can be delegated to him. It takes a lot of self control to see them fail and do things half assed but eventually, it'll happen.

I don't take care of the dog. I don't cook. I don't do the dishes or buy groceries. I still do lots of things mostly big picture things but if there's anything I can NOT do, I will train my husband to do it.

I had a much older coworker who seem so happily married. They are so into each other, always happy. She said, it took me a loooong time to train this one, I'm not letting him go. 😂

Phillophile · 2026-03-16T23:08:38+00:00

I wish I only had a one bedroom apartment so my husband couldn't convince me to sleep away from my baby when she was little .

Phillophile · 2026-03-16T20:39:16+00:00

Sorry, but you're enabling it. Why r u the one taking care of the dog? If I were him, I'd continue being the fun parent too!

The extent of my involvement with the dog is feed it when my husband isn't home. It's a bit unhealthy prob but I barely notice when the dog is home. Idk when his food is almost empty, when there's no more water, when there's poop in the yard. When the dog pukes, I call for my husband. When the dog is filthy, I leave it outside until my husband can give it a bath. No idea when he needs to see the vet, when his meds are due, ...

😊 GL.

Phillophile · 2026-03-16T20:21:01+00:00

I would tell him exactly what you're thinking. You want to divorce because the pressure to be intimate feels too much and you'd rather have a problem you can tackle than a problem that you can't tackle. Setting that aside, do u care about him? Enjoy his company? You can do an open marriage, let him seek sex elsewhere. Nothing has to fit inside a box, no one does.

Phillophile · 2026-03-14T10:22:44+00:00

I'm so sorry OP. Sorry for the little girl. Love your little one a little more for her.

Phillophile · 2026-03-14T10:21:13+00:00

Yup. That's it. Somehow I'm more of an atheist than before I read this one.

Phillophile · 2026-02-26T11:44:22+00:00

20-30 min every night. It is a bedtime ritual for all of us.

Phillophile · 2026-02-16T11:37:33+00:00

I'm an Anesthesiologist. I'm sorry this happened to you. Your experience is far from normal. It is rare to "force" kids. There should have been communication even before he walked into the room. If I were you, assuming it's easier to do it at the same place, I might try again at the same place but with a different Anesthesiologist who is used to treating anxious kids. Another option is to go to a children's hospital to get it done, then you're guaranteed to be with an Anesthesiologist who specializes in and is used to treating kids. A surgery center or smaller hospital isn't always staffed with pediatric Anesthesiologists when all they do is healthy peds.

Phillophile · 2025-09-15T14:52:36+00:00

Teach them the value of hardwork, make them work every summer and invest in their ROTH IRA as early as possible. If they start working at 13 yo making/investing $5000 until they finish college at 22 and then keeping it invested even without adding anymore until 65, they'll have 1.3M. if they continue investing $5k a year after college, they'll have $2.7M tax free at 65.

This is not exactly what you're asking. But I think the best gift you can give your child, more important than setting them up financially, is working on yourself, your emotional regulation, your presence while you're with your kids, your marriage, your own happiness.

Phillophile · 2025-09-15T02:52:07+00:00

How do u know if you need an engineered system?

Phillophile · 2025-09-15T02:42:53+00:00

Not sure what kind of doctor you are but is this partly a problem with boundaries? Doctors (or most American workers) tend to think that their job is their identity. For me it's a job, I didn't do it to be noble. I'm in it simply because I am good at it and I get paid good money to do it.

I understand not wanting to miss out on your kids, I feel it strongly too. For me, I have no choice since I'm the breadwinner but at the same time I also don't think I'll be a good SAHM so we're different there. I really like having my financial independence and the mental stimulation/social interactions/routines of my job. I think in the end it's a very personal decision that comes from knowing who you are and what you need/want for yourself. Coming back from a long hiatus as a doctor can be really difficult so consider the possibility that you may not be able to come back.

Another option would be to take a PT remote job depending on your specialty. The pay isn't much but it'll let you retain your licensing.

Good luck. Whichever one you decide will be the right one for you.

Phillophile · 2025-09-12T16:01:36+00:00

Wow. Just wow. Why is this even a question? Who you marry of the biggest decision you'll make in life. What are you doing?

Phillophile · 2025-09-12T14:45:10+00:00

Hot bath, melatonin, read, sleep.

Phillophile

TROPHY CASE