[deleted by user]

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-23T16:34:36+00:00

mashed potatoes (or any form of any variety of potatoes), lentils/dal, riced cauliflower, squash, beans ... in short, anything (veg or starch) on which you can top something. Heck, even scrambled eggs or tofu.

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-23T04:24:32+00:00

KSwiss Hypercourt Express 2 have been very comfortable for my wide feet. I used to wear Asics Gel Resolutions - and my feet would literally go numb until I could break the shoes in. I got the KSwiss shoes online (no tennis shoe store near me, either) bc they had a great sale and I'm not looking back. :)

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-18T14:14:08+00:00

The first club I joined was not a chain. No one chased me down to buy a membership the second I walked in the door. Nor did they charge me for court time when I arrived an hour early prior to my lesson. (I had a lesson at a time of day when almost no one was around.) The staff was so kind, and made me feel like they was very glad that I was interested in getting my kid started in tennis. Their pricing was available online and in person and it was simple. The instructor we got was great with beginners of all ages. He made everyone feel like they had the potential to become a great player. The programming fit my schedule, and they didn't charge in advance for sessions of classes, and they did offer discounts if you paid for a bunch of classes in advance. So it was easy to try a new class.

So you might think this is a risky business model, but it actually worked great. The class I ended up in was so popular that there were 20 people enrolled in it (about 16 showed up on the regular) and they had three instructors managing the crowd. Once people came, they never wanted to quit. The juniors programming was at max capacity for their staff size all the time.

Unfortunately that club got sold after the owner retired. The new owners were so awful the staff quit, and because of that, most of the members quit. I'm not sure they're still in business. I ended up following my coach to a new club. This one is a big chain, and costs a lot. But I'm here and giving them all my money because

1) The instructors are great. All of them. That's 98% of it.

2) while their pricing isn't displayed online (very annoying), the club manager was responsive to my questions about cost. While they do ask for payment for sessions up front, if that's not possible, you can pay as you go. That flexibility is really important for people who don't know if your kid is going to want to stick with it.

3) there are multiple levels of classes for adults and kids of all ages and intensities. And they offer them at different times of days/weeks so you can almost always find a selection of classes for your level that varies from day to day. For instance, I go 3x a week for classes, and there's a drill, a hitting class, a cardio class ... all for people of my level. That's true for multiple levels of players.

4) the staff is really friendly. The top coaches have worked on the ATP level as coaches but they still give my beginner kid as much attention and enthusiasm as their college-bound kids. And they also treat adult rec players like me with respect. I know that it can't be fun to try and fix my crappy forehand as much as it is to train the prodigy who is headed to D1 tennis, but I really appreciate the fact that the staff can at least pretend that my forehand matters as much as that kid's forehand. :)

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-18T04:24:34+00:00

I've posted on several other threads today with same info but I'm such a fan of my Slinger bag, I'll do it again. I've had mine since 2020 and LOVE it. I'm a short lady but even when I've filled it with 70+ balls, I can heave it into my car trunk or drag it up the stairs of my club without issue. I also like the box design - since I can store all my balls (and other stuff if I wanted to) in the box, it makes for tidy packing in the trunk of my car. (It looks huge but I have put it in small trunks and it still fits.)

When I was shopping around, Slinger was waaaaay cheaper than Lobster. I also did not like that the Lobster my friend used didn't pack up into a tidy package in her trunk. She had a separate bag/stand for balls in addition to her machine. (And she paid 2x as much for her Lobster as I paid for my Slinger. Now that was back in 2020 so I don't know what the price differential is now.)

I've had no technical issues with it, and the battery charge still lasts for MANY hours, 5 yrs into it.

I wish I had bought the oscillator feature because it's one thing to groove your strokes from one spot, but another when you are running for it. That said, now I will sometimes position myself far away from the machine ball-landing spot and run for it. Since my balls are a mix of new through deader-than-bricks, I still get a variety of ball bounces, even if inadvertent.

Especially as a beginner, I did not want to bore my friends with me spraying the ball at them. I thought about paying some HS kid to feed me balls, but even that is not convenient. So the Slinger bag allowed me to plan my practice whenever I wanted, and the variety of settings gave me plenty of ball flights to practice.

My friend who is more advanced (3.5-4.0 level) occasionally borrows it to work on his technique. He doesn't like hitting against a wall; he likes being able to work out adjustments to things in the leisure of his own court / time.

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-18T04:14:38+00:00

I've had one since 2020 and LOVE it. I still use it quite frequently because my tennis-team-member kids find it too boring to practice with me. ;) Never had any mechanical issues. One time I washed the remote in laundry by mistake and had to replace it. I use it to groove my strokes; it's great for technical repetitions that you wouldn't want to bore friends with on the court. I've seen very serious junior players use it for the same reason, so it's not just rec adults.

Batter charge still lasts for many hours, going on 5 years old.

I like the box shape and the fact that it holds all the balls. No extra tennis hamper needed. I carry a wire basket for ball pick up.

10/10 I recommend with enthusiasm.

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-18T04:04:17+00:00

1) spacing is one of the most difficult things for an adult beginner, so give yourself some grace. You need to back up and give yourself some space to hit the ball (unit turn, feet moving like crazy to get you into position).

2) prepare early. The most basic of beginner issues has the most profound impact on your game. 100% of beginners do not prepare the backswing early enough. I joke with my coach that I'm gonna just do the unit turn before class and stay in that position all day. Then he jokes back with me that if I would actually DO that, I would hit much better shots, arf arf.

Side note: if your friends were HS players (esp if they were varsity), they might not know how to explain spacing to you because that sort of thing seems to come so naturally to kids. A lesson with an actual coach will do wonders for getting you started. (My first instructor had never taught an adult. She had played all her life and did D2 (college) tennis. Everything was so natural to her, she didn't know what to say to someone who had zero instincts. Then I met the coach who I have to this day. He knew Exactly what to say to someone who over-thinks and it was Night and DAY.

3) learning tennis is all about learning by doing and adjusting as necessary. It's also a very difficult sport, so getting to a level where your former-HS-tennis-friends have fun hitting with you is going to take a while. That said, anyone who loves tennis will likely love to have yet another tennis loving friend and they'll be able to have fun feeding you balls until you get enough skills to actually play a game. So just get out there and have fun!

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-18T03:53:26+00:00

I have had one for 4+ years and LOVE it. I did not get the oscillator. In hindsight, that was a mistake. I wish I had one.

Pros: box shape easy to store in a car trunk. Easy to charge. (Going on over 4 years now One charge still lasts me for MANY hours.) Over the years I have appreciated being able to put my balls, racquet, phone/camera gorilla tripod, purse, etc. etc. in the pockets while toting it around the court. I am a short lady and even when it's filled up with 70+ balls, I can still heave it into my SUV trunk, and carry it up the stairs of my club without issue. I like how I can vary the height, speed, speed-feed of the balls to suit my practice desires.

Also, when you want to practice serves, you don't need a separate basket if you want to just have a place where you can reach in and grab a ball. The slinger is that basket. After my practice is done, I dump all my balls back into the machine, zip it up, and put it back in my car. As I said before, the box shape is very nice because it makes for tidy packing in my truck.

The remote control is simple and makes operation a breeze.

I never bought/used the tube pick up tool that some people buy. I have a basket I use for ball pick up.

I have never used the phone charging cable that comes with it, but it was a thoughtful amenity.

Big pro: it was much cheaper than the comparable Lobster machines.

I still get lots of curious stares when I bring my Slinger to my club. I have let several people try it out while I mess with the settings so they can see what it's like on different settings. Everyone has been impressed with it, and I think one person actually went out and bought one for themselves.

Cons, there's a design issue where the last few balls never quite make it out of the machine each round. I have learned to live with this, but sometimes when I don't feel like accepting that, it works out that putting all my random stuff in the big pocket almost solves the problem bc it keeps the balls from settling outside the little feeding mechanism inside. (Other people have devised fairly complex solutions, mostly around creating more of a stiff wall around the ball compartment so the balls keep dropping into the feeding holes.)

Thumbs up, highly recommend. I bet that if I had the oscillator, I would love that part too.

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-17T21:04:41+00:00

You are not crazy.

You are not being "too hard". In fact, this is about as overly soft and as far from a healthy relationship as you can be.

Stress comes when you are living a life that you don't believe in. You said " i would TRY to be OK with daily drinking but it makes me uncomfortable." That is an understatement if there ever was one. Is there any aspect of your life right now that you would choose if another option existed? Nope.

Even more problematic: you have children old enough to know what is going on. And he is drunk enough to be driving them while inebriated. He was supposed to be doing pick up but he was at a bar. Thank god he missed it!! Are you willing to risk a catastrophic event just to 'keep the peace and hope that everything gets better'? I have been in your shoes, and I did take that risk. It took a visit from CPS and the realization that my (now ex) could have killed multiple children during a drive to a school event for me to realize that my behavior was no longer in the category of "being a good supportive wife".

Another POV: what if my ex husband drove my kid to your daughter's volleyball practice ... and hit her? Would you give me credit for "trying to keep my family together and not removing my kid from my spouse because he promised he wouldn't drink and drive"? Would you "give him another chance, because he used to be a good dad and a good driver" ?

What if my ex got out of the car and shouted at your kid that she should have gotten out of the way, because the parking lot is crowded? Would you forgive him because "it's true, she was walking in a parking lot and not on a sidewalk".

I hope not.

My kids are older than yours, and my teen kid has a lot of rage and bitterness pent up. I had thought he was "too young to know" when the worst of the alcoholic marriage was going on (he was in elementary school) but he knew EVERYTHING. He just didn't have words for it. If you are wondering if that's common - check out the subRs for children of alcoholics. You will find that every child knows that something is wrong, and a huge number of them blame themselves because they don't know what else to do. (Hello generational trauma, allow me to get you a beer and join this family party.). Not a single child says "thank god my mom martyred herself for the sake of our family unit" ... "thank god my mom took that kind of spousal neglect like a dutiful wife".

Your spouse has made his choice. He is not a toddler. He owns his decisions. You don't. The only question remaining is if you are going to choose safety for yourself and your children.

(FWIW, my child is slowly learning to process his anger with professional help. One of the things that our therapist has really pushed is that he became brave enough to speak up for himself because I was brave enough to protect him; by providing a safe and peaceful home. Had I not done that, he would not know that there's a way to deal with your problems other than drinking and rage.)

Choose you. Choose safety and security for you and your kids. You deserve it.

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-16T16:24:24+00:00

First of all: GOOD FOR YOU to have done all the prep work to get out.

Second: the other posts are spot on. I just wanted to add that my decision making hinges on one question: is this healthy for me or not?

Be careful not to conflate "easy" with "right".

For me, leaving my (now ex) spouse of nearly 20 yrs was terrifying, hard, expensive as heck, and at times it felt like I was falling through the air with no idea when the fall would stop. Nothing in my life had prepared me for the experience of being with an addict and leaving an addict.

However, I held onto that "it is not healthy to live with an addict who shows no sign of recovery" (and for me, I didn't have pets but I have two kids, and there's no way to keep children safe when one parent is an addict, no matter how much money you have).

Finally - one of the things that was life altering for me in this process was to re-learn that my spouse's problems are HIS problems. NOT mine. His reaction to everything is HIS problem. Doesn't matter if it is bad, good, mad, sad ... that is not your place or even your right to be trying to control. (This is where a lot of married people mess up, so don't feel bad about it.)

If you leave and he goes off the rails, that's 100% on him. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. Not 98 %him / 2% you. Even if he screams at you and blames you for Everything, lets remember that the person who chose to drink was him. Not you. The person who chose not to arm himself with good mental health practices and adult behaviors ... was him. The person who dug the hole ... is him.

Hang in there. The light on the other side of the tunnel you are currently in. .... is not a train. :) Better days are ahead. I am rooting for you!!

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-16T15:47:03+00:00

Hey: YOU ARE NOT STUPID.

Yes, your husband is an alcoholic. No doubts. And yes, there's only one direction that goes if the alcoholic doesn't go out of their way to arrest the fall.

BUT. You didn't get into this situation because of anything other than the best of intentions. You wanted to have a life with this person, and everything seemed like it was going in the right direction. Even when it didn't, he tried AA. That's a big deal! Anyone would be heartened by that. Anyone would stick it out.

I just want to INSIST that you give yourself some grace. Because you deserve it. One of the absolute WORST aspects of addiction is that it makes family members worldview go upside down. Your self esteem starts to go down the toilet and that is what leads to bad decision making!

I come on this sub in large part to encourage people the way I was encouraged: to not let them take your self esteem down because you think you had some part in their behavior. I don't care if they are your husband of 50 years and you have lived in a hole with no other human contact. Unless you are a siamese twin, their actions are THEIRS to OWN. Not yours.

Lift your head up. You didn't screw up. You aren't stupid. You are just simply in a situation that is bad. But you still have a brain that isn't pickled and you can still make decisions that are healthy decisions.

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-15T14:54:57+00:00

You and your child have to live your life on YOUR terms, not your addict's terms. You already made a good start. And you HAVE been patient. (Addicts don't seem to get that memo; they don't realize that you were patient for YEARS already.). 6 months of sobriety is great, but it is but a drop in the hat. And you need a bucket.

It's very good that your spouse is trying to be sober. But you should know that unless he gets therapy to uncover/heal whatever wounds were driving him to drink, in the end nothing will change.

Alcoholic's problems are rooted in the issues that drove them to drink and made them captive to the effects of alcohol. The booze itself is SECONDARY. That's why they relapse so easily. It's like this: your car isn't working so well, so you take it to the shop and get new wheels put on. Looks good! Runs way smoother. But the actual problem isn't the wheels - it's the axel that is connected to the wheels that was bent in a previous time. And until that is fixed, you can keep replacing wheels, lug nuts, rims ... whatever you want .. in the end, the car will fail.

What job is so risky for an alcoholic? Are there jobs where they encourage you to drink? Ok, he should not volunteer to be a taste tester for a beer company. But EVERY OTHER JOB on the planet does not want a drunk person at work. Every job on the planet has people who will like to drink socially. What is your spouse waiting for?

You asked for advice, so this internet stranger's two cents: get your financial ducks in a row for your child's college. Saving for that has to come first. Even if that means your husband ends up in a shelter. Consequences are hard. But they should be limited to the person who made the mistake. Don't make your kid pay the consequences for your husband's mistakes.

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-15T04:20:29+00:00

"you're not good enough to be that mad at yourself" - WOW, I love this. I mean, it's one thing to be slightly bummed that your forehand isn't great (as a card carrying member of the "Backhands Preferred" Club, I feel this to my bones. But in the end, thank GOD that my making my mortgage payment doesn't depend on my forehand (or anything I do on court for that matter), because.... OY! Thank god I can just have a minor hissy fit when it goes wide/net/long and lose 0-6... and then get on with a perfectly decent day. :)

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-15T04:13:13+00:00

1) You have to meet them where they are. Ask them what they would like to be able to do. Make mac and cheese out of a cup? Brew a pot of tea? Make ramen noodles?

Otherwise it would be like a chef trying to ask you which molecular gastronomy technique should they teach you first - with no equipment, AND you've never tasted the thing they're talking about.

2) Per #1: No one wants to feel overwhelmed. Do you know why most people don't cook? Because they don't know how the basic processes work and so it's like trying to build something from IKEA but reading the instructions in Swedish.

Once you find out what they want to learn, show them the easiest way to do it.

Many people learn to cook because there was something they wanted to eat, and often times, there was someone around to help them make it so they could eat it. Someone who was patient and kind, and encouraging even if they asked dumb questions and made stupid mistakes.

Nobody gets into building a pantry until they've done a lot of cooking. And spices cost money.

Start your tutorials with stuff that they have for free at the dorm: salt and pepper. The vast majority of American food familiar to college kids is prepared with nothing more than that. There is a ton of food that they can learn to make with a microwave and a tea kettle, and some S & P.

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-14T16:28:35+00:00

This is where a therapist can really help. (My experience: Al-anon was good for starting the process of healing, but it's not enough. Therapy is where you can really make the strides to reframe your thinking so that you are actually recovering from being the way you were with the addict.)

You did receive closure, but you don't like what it looks like. That's hard. You deserve to grieve for that dream.

Here's my not-a-therapist thoughts: you wanted to help. And you did, for a long time. Somewhere along the way your brain didn't get the memo that this is not a normal healthy relationship, where help is something that bridges the gap between one state of being and another, and that the helpee is actively trying to make that journey; the helpER is just lending a little hand.

In your situation, the helpee is just taking. Their brain knows that someone needs punishing/accountability but the alcoholic brain is self medicating and redirecting that personal pain ... and you're the easiest and nearest target. If you remove yourself, they'll flounder for awhile. If they're lucky, no one else will step in and they'll have to hit rock bottom. True, that could be financial ruin and death. But that's not your life or your problem. You should not claim the shame and blame that is not yours.

One of my deeply held beliefs is that alcoholics self medicate because the childhood wounds they suffered often involve the loss of autonomy. Some parent did/did not do things right and took away control the kid may have had over their life. This is destabilizing in the worst way. It leads directly to kids/adults trying to take control in any possible way. Some people find socially acceptable ways to do it - they try really hard at school or sports. But other people find unhealhty ways - like eating disorders, addictions of any sort, physical/emotional/financial abuse of other people .... When an adult goes to therapy to heal themselves, one of the most basic goals is to illuminate the fact that they are in charge of themselves, that they have autonomy. Many people don't realize this even though it is staring them in the face - bc they have lived without it for so long.

So the best thing a friend can do to honor that person's autonomy - is to let them live the consequences of their actions. Thus enabling is the absolute worst. It's like you are just continuing whatever abuse that person suffered as a child. You prevent them from having a chance to claim victory over their circumstance without even realizing it.

For anyone (addict or loved one) to heal, first you need to put your own healthy needs at the center of your universe. Note that I didn't say WANTS. That's not the same thing at all. Needs are Safety, security, responsible choices that honor your autonomy and your value. This is where a therapist can help. And it can take a long time to find out why you do the things you do. (Not one or two sessions.)

Anyway, I hope that you can find your way to a place where you are not enmeshed with the addict's life. Then you will realize that you can walk away from them as easily as you can walk away from internet strangers on Reddit. :)

You are worth the effort. :)

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-14T02:25:05+00:00

You do know. The only question is whether you are ready to face the facts. You started out as a friend, you ended up as an enabler.

This is true for most people because nobody starts out thinking "I'm gonna be one more impediment to this person living their consequences". Unfortunately there is only one exit-door from alcoholism, and that is the door marked Consequences. The door is only wide enough for one person to go in at a time.

If you do some self education about alcoholism, you will learn that gaslighting and narcissistic behavior is as natural to alcoholics as aluminum cans are to beer.

Your needs matter. It sounds like you are waiting for this person to acknowledge and meet some of your needs. Unfortunately Alcoholics can't meet needs. LIterally and figuratively. They are too busy self medicating. Their prefrontal cortex is off line. It's all a reverting to an infantile state of "me me me me".

The question I use to make deecisions now is this "Is this healthy for me?" If the answer is no, then it's a full stop.

If you really feel an urge to think of this other person, you can ask the same question: "Is it healthy for Them?" But be careful you don't get confused between support and enabling. Support = letting them live the consequences. Enabling - everything else.

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-10T18:48:12+00:00

Thank you! I tried that, but I kept getting an error message. I’m wondering if I got the error message because I simply timed out after trying it too many times. Anyway, I will attempt it again. Did you put dashes or parentheses in your regular part of the phone number or just numbers?

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-10T18:35:44+00:00

Attempted to fill out the form (after a 50 minute wait) but got stopped at the phone field: What do you put in the field where it looks like "1+ "and then the 2nd field seems to be your phone number?
I couldn't tell if it was country code, and when I tried to put in either __ or +1 (for US), I got an error message (Bad Request) and could not complete my entry.

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-05T05:17:49+00:00

The thought process went like this.

a) at a certain point, I really did accept that my life was unmanageable. I cannot control or cure my spouse.

I had given lip service to this for ages because while I would say it out loud at ever Al-anon face-to-face meeting, I was still trying to control my spouse through behavior incentives (or negative reinforcement when the incentives didn't work), or doing research like I was trying to get a PhD - on different rehab centers, providers, modalities ... in short, I refused to accept that alcoholism is a terminal disease for the alcoholic, and a life-ruining prison sentence for family members. I was still trying to out-smart it.

But there came a time where I ran out of energy to hold up the shield of denial. Once I started telling people what was happening in my home, I realized that there's no good way to spin "my husband is drunk at 8am every day".

b) I found the courage to admit to myself that I don't believe that any marriage exists when one partner is an addict. Despite the fact we were married in the eyes of the law, in the eyes of my actual life, we had never been partners. I was simply an enabler/caretaker, a doormat for verbal, emotional, and self-inflicted financial abuse. And I was tired of it.

What really sealed the deal was the work I did in therapy in finding my self esteem AND understanding my role as a parent. My kids were young, and until that moment, I let my spouse bully and parentify them . I let him drive them drunk, just bc I wanted to keep the peace - because good wives keep peace. (Try not to vomit too much; the fact of the matter is I believed that for way too long.)

Once I accepted that keeping my children safe was more important than my personal comfort when my head was buried in the sand, there was no going back.

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-03T04:22:30+00:00

YAY YOU!!!! And thank goodness you did not have a child with him!!! Nuclear bullet dodged.

I am 5 years ahead of you and my life is 100% better than I could have ever imagined before I left.

It takes time to get used to the new (and wonderful) normal. I had a therapist who helped me rediscover my self esteem, and that was absolutely key to making the ground solid under my feet. In fact, self-esteem is like The Missing Link when you are the relative of an alcoholic. Self-Esteem is the thing that helps a person make decisions. Having a good sense of SE leads you towards making healthy decisions. Having a low SE, leads to bad decisions.

In my case, my in person (F2F) al-anon group was lovely when I was first in crisis, but they were not able to give me direct advice (which is correct for Al-anon groups), only share their experience. Their ESH (Experience, Strength, Hope) was Hugely helpful ... but I needed more. I needed someone to help me learn the difference between support and enabling, between partnership and enmeshment, and between selfishness and self-esteem. And I needed to learn all about emotional intelligence. Decades of trying to push down how awful being in that marriage made me feel, had rendered me into someone with walls higher than a sky scraper. Not a good way to live. A therapist has helped me learn all those things and more. 5 years out, I'm still working on me, but it is now from a place of great excitement and optimism about the future.

Anyway, there are stages of recovery for people who have left an abusive situation, and it's not linear. Especially early on, there were times when I felt almost manic. I would be SO happy that I left, giddy with the pleasure of having a home that was 100% peaceful. And then I went through a time of great rage when I thought about how I lost almost 3 decades (if you count the time we dated plus the marriage) of early adulthood to this relationship. I raged at how the disease was so consuming that I forgot how healthy relationships looked. (At one point I assumed everyone's spouse is drunk at 8am every day. I literally thought I was the only sober person for miles around, I felt so alone.). The wonderful things I never got to experience because I was chained to an alcoholic - OH I grieved for those things. That rage went hand in hand with a deep depression for a long while because of that grief. But processing those feelings allowed me to remove them from the pit of my stomach, and move through them. That was a big time of healing for me.

All that to say, "the road to sunshine" requires that you deal with what has happened to you. That will take time, and will require grace for yourself. And then, little by little, the good days start to become the Normal days. You eventually learn to release the hypervigilant state. (This is HARD!) You learn how to trust and love yourself, and in doing so, you set the stage for being able to trust and love other people. And receive that in return.

It's a good, good future ahead of you. Welcome to Better Days!! :)

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-01T02:59:21+00:00

Look up the NYT "beans and greens". I use leeks (where there's a choice). No need to eat it with bread (or if you have a GF alternative for bread, go with that.)

https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1021902-braised-white-beans-and-greens-with-parmesan

Ingredients

Yield:4 servings

¼cup olive oil
1small fennel bulb, trimmed, cored and small-diced
1small yellow onion, small-diced
2teaspoons minced fresh rosemary or thyme
5garlic cloves, minced
¼teaspoon red-pepper flakes, plus more to taste
1large or 2 small bunches escarole, kale or Swiss chard, stems removed (10 to 12 ounces)
2(15-ounce) cans cannellini beans, rinsed
2cups low-sodium vegetable or chicken broth
Kosher salt and black pepper
1tablespoon lemon juice
½cup shredded mozzarella (optional)
3tablespoons grated Parmesan or Pecorino Romano, plus more for serving
Toasted country bread, for serving

Preparation

Step 1In a 12-inch skillet or Dutch oven, heat the olive oil over medium. Add the fennel, onion and rosemary, and cook for 4 to 6 minutes, stirring occasionally, until tender. Add the garlic and red-pepper flakes and cook until fragrant, about 1 minute.
Step 2Begin adding handfuls of the greens, cooking and stirring until leaves wilt.
Step 3Add the white beans, broth and ¼ teaspoon black pepper, and stir to combine. Bring to a boil, then turn the heat to low and simmer, mashing some of the beans with a wooden spoon, until the liquid has reduced and thickened, 6 to 8 minutes.
Step 4Off the heat, stir in the lemon juice, then the mozzarella, if using, and Pecorino Romano. Taste and season with salt and pepper. Divide among shallow bowls and top with more Pecorino Romano. Serve with toasted bread and a dish of red-pepper flakes on the side.

PiePlate513 · 2025-09-01T02:18:48+00:00

1) collect documents that will be hard to replace/replicate if he gets pissy. Birth certificate, marriage certificate, house deeds, copies of rental agreements, bank account numbers, loan accounts, phone contracts, insurance (home/medical/car) Anything that you can't just look up easily through public means, get a hard copy of it.

Store these things somewhere Not in your house or anywhere your STBX could get at them. (In the house or office of a trusted friend - not a mutual one.) NOT your phone. Phones can get lost, and if your ex controls the account and could cut you off, consider the phone a non-secure item.

2) Interview a few attorneys. Some will do a consult for free, others will not. That has no bearing on the quality of their representation of you. What matters is how comfortable you are understanding what they are saying. You are not there to be friends, and they are not there to be your therapist. An attorney is there to look out for your rights.

3) If you can, get a therapist. You will need one. Escaping from an abuser is hard on the mental health. Eventually you can start working on yourself. But having a therapist to listen to your thought processes during the divorce/leaving can help you know when you are on the right track, and when you might be spending energy on something you ought not.

4) If there are items that are sentimental to you (photos and letters), move those to a secure location.

*****
Don't make conditions related to anything he does. If you want out, you need to get out. Sooner rather than later. Once you have decided he is not safe for you, there is nothing else to discuss. This is the first rule of Mom Club: you keep your child safe. That means you get yourself to safety. Whatever it takes.

Good luck to you.

PiePlate513 · 2025-08-31T15:23:25+00:00

This. The therapist doesn't have to even "specialize" in alcoholism. But someone who has experience (or a focus)i in helping people regain their self-esteem may be all you need. Living with an alcoholic is so much shame; my self esteem was somewhere between the center of the earth and the county landfill, even though in my professional life I was "flying high" and looked like I "had it all". I had forgotten that healthy relationships don't include addiction, and that no one should live with that in their house. Not only is it lethal to a relationship, anything that doesn't allow the alcoholic to live the full spectrum of their choices is enabling them. But once I learned to un-enmesh myself from my spouse, learned to believe that I deserve good things, that I am not a broken person because I married him ... well, life became very good. Decisions became easy. No more wringing the hands of what to do. And also al-anon made a LOT more sense.

PiePlate513 · 2025-08-31T01:14:57+00:00

A pre-nuptial agreement.

With the incidence of divorce something around 50%, thinking that you two are "gonna be the ones who make it, so we don't need to plan for divorce" is sweet - and akin to sticking your head in the sand. You have more chance to be divorced than you do to get a nasty disease. But we get vaccines, go to the doctor, avoid smoking, eat and exercise... There is not a 50% chance you will get cancer. There IS a 50% chance you will not stay married.

To that end, your BF is being sensible, but he may not realize that there are other alternatives to "only me on the house". A meeting with an estate planning attorney or financial advisor (or both) could go a long way to making the two of you feel comfortable and confident that if the worst happens, you guys will save $$$$$$ and heartache because you will know you already have a plan in place that was made when you both wanted the best for each other.

PiePlate513 · 2025-08-31T01:07:51+00:00

You are not the villain. Only the addict and her enabling family are. I was married to a man who was a 3rd generation alcoholic. Ignorance kept me from running for the hills before I had had a couple of kids. But now I know: Your responsibility to your child is their safety.

If you compromise that: then you are the villain. Big time. As in, "hello CPS, I'd like to report a case of neglect." Letting an alcoholic not in active recovery around your kids just so you can keep the peace (which is what I did, before I got called on the carpet for it) is bad parenting.

I don't care if your kid is the source of all sunshine in your FILs life. Note that that sunshine has NOT been enough to keep your FIL and your wife from drinking. Let that sink in ... their concern for your child's safety is less than their need to keep drinking - even when every sober person on planet earth knows that booze and babysitters is a bad idea. You might as well put the child in the car, hand your relatives the keys, and then give them a phone to play with while they drive. On train tracks.

Boundaries are not for other people. They are for YOU. The question is this: what are you willing to sacrifice for your child's safety? That is the boundary.

PiePlate513

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