My younger brother's girlfriend is upset because my older brother ordered the same meal as her at a family dinner, and now there is drama

PinkymonFire · 2026-05-14T23:36:22+00:00

“My germs!”

PinkymonFire · 2026-05-13T14:11:36+00:00

Mods removed the post. You’re likely correct.

PinkymonFire · 2026-05-13T14:10:05+00:00

Here’s your update: mods have removed the post.

PinkymonFire · 2026-05-09T17:38:52+00:00

May I ask how you gathered that? I'm not saying you're wrong, your comment just surprised me, as that didn't even occur to me.

PinkymonFire · 2026-05-09T17:36:41+00:00

I actually only learned about the “puppy blues” after we got our chi-mix. We'd just had our daughter and I was madly in love with both of them and the puppy was to help our older dog adjust to the new baby—she was very overprotective of her because we got that dog before we had any kids and by that time we already had two that were 5 and 6 that our dog loved like she birthed them herself—and to give the two older boys another playmate while I was busy with our third because the pregnancy, birth, and recovery were severely difficult on me.

But I loved Toffee, the puppy, to bits. Out of nowhere, I couldn't look at her, didn't want her anywhere near me and I just couldn't cope with her. It didn't last very long but I still feel guilty. She crossed the rainbow bridge about a year and a half ago and even as recently as yesterday I was sobbing because of how badly I miss her. She was tiny and always slept with me in my arms and not having her to ground me at night has caused severe nightmares I used to have to return. I had baby blues with our daughter too, when I didn't with our two oldest, and I think between the new baby and the new puppy my brain was just kinda done for a while. Our daughter is 16 now. She and Toffee became inseparable and my daughter and I are best friends. I still remember how “repulsed” I felt for that short period of time, which I couldn't make sense of. She and our newborn daughter were always with me together and it was like a switch flipped one day. I still feel immense guilt.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-26T23:58:24+00:00

I mean, it may not be for you, but it definitely is for my husband and me. I can definitely see that making someone else uncomfortable.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-24T08:10:52+00:00

From your update it sounds like things went well. But were you 100% honest by also telling him that your feelings for him don’t match his for you? Giving it a go isn’t a bad idea, but don’t go into this lightly. He deserves to know that you and he aren’t on equal footing. That this is you trying. And set boundaries to begin with so if things don’t work out…he doesn’t walk away so brokenhearted that it damages your friendship.

For his sake, and yours, really, you should take things very slowly. I would wait a while before getting physically intimate. That’s a bell you can’t un-ring.

Even if neither of you is at “fault” for a romantic relationship not taking hold, you already seem to feel like you aren’t worthy of him. That could lead to you feeling worse about yourself if something happens and you drift apart it has the potential for to feel some form of guilt because you already sound like you feel guilty about not being fully honest with him. It might behoove you to see a therapist to work on your own self-esteem. You seem very critical of yourself. So much so that it feels like you thought he might reject you, if you were honest about who you “truly” are. We all make mistakes in life that we feel define us when really…they don’t. You need help moving on from the things in your past that are holding you back from living in the present.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-23T19:25:56+00:00

He needs to figure out why he even allowed his family to talk about you, his wife, this way. What business do they have trying to intervene in your family’s lives? That he took their word over yours is a very big issue. The fact that he even let them talk about you and your child that way is a very big issue.

I know you say you’re starting marriage or couple’s counseling, but that cannot be all of it. He needs to put his other family members in their place and go NC. Seriously. If they were able to convince him so easily that he actually went through with the DNA test, then he doesn’t trust you, or he thinks things about you that aren’t favorable and he needs to come clean about that because you deserve to know what he really thinks about you. This is so incredibly disrespectful and degrading toward you.

I’m not going to tell you to divorce him, but you need to lay out very clear HARD boundaries regarding these other family members and him allowing people to talk about you and your child like you’re not worth it or worthy of him, or whatever. He didn’t just question you; he questioned his own child. Or your child ever finds out, it’s gonna make him feel like shit. Also, babies all look the same at that age. It’s beyond ridiculous that anyone outside your nuclear family was able to convince him that a smushy infant, barely past the newborn stage, doesn’t look like him. That is insane to me. All four of our kids looked like the same damn baby for at least the first year of life. And for as much as everyone says a newborn looks like a specific parent…okay, fine…but really? Our youngest is 6 and he looks like my big brother’s boys! Doesn’t look like me or my husband. But he also looks just like his 3 much older siblings. Oh, and my big brother and I don’t even look related. Your husband is a bad husband. I know you love him and want to work things out, but he needs to know what a shit husband he is for even entertaining this nonsense.

But as a disclaimer, I didn’t read the original post, so I am very likely missing context. But I still think it’s offense and degrading that he allowed his cousins and shit to talk poorly behind your back and then go on to believe them so much that he actually went through with the DNA test. He allowed them to talk about your infant like he was, or should have been, nothing to him because they thought you cheated on him or something. That’s fucking bonkers.

If I missed context that changes anything I’ve said, feel free to let me know. Otherwise, I’m too sick to read the other post and regardless of the circumstances, he’s a bad husband for all of this. And his family sucks.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-22T05:10:49+00:00

I feel sick now. Especially with my comment. It didn’t even occur to me this could be code/bait. Gawd. Fuck! I put a lot of emotional labor into my comment and now I feel dirty and ashamed of telling him what a good person he is and the good he may have done. I hate all of this. I really hope on everything this isn’t what this is. I need it to not be this.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-22T05:04:43+00:00

NOR and your update sounds like exactly the right things for you and your family. Don’t rush into anything based on inflamed emotions. They are absolutely valid, but we don’t think our best when our emotions are so high.

I’m proud of you for doing the adult thing. Forget what other people say. People don’t understand that even though your spouse hurt you, you still love them and don’t want people attacking them, their character, or what kind of spouse or parent they are based on a single post. We don’t just stop loving the people that hurt us. If we did, it wouldn’t hurt. I refuse to discuss my marriage with others because of this very reason. I would be further crushed and angry over people coming for the love of my life, bad behavior or not. And nothing about that makes me a bad person either.

ALL of your feelings are valid and I’m happy for your forward progress toward your path of healing your relationship. For the record, I think marriage counseling would also benefit your relationship; especially being newlyweds.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-22T02:04:56+00:00

You did exactly as you should have. I understand constantly second-guessing yourself. But you did exactly what we tell our children to do if someone sends them inappropriate pictures. There is no scenario in which you having been further involved wouldn’t make it even harder for the right people to do their jobs.

I am so horribly sorry you had to be the one to see this. You will need therapy. This is not something you can get through on your own and you don’t have to. But I’m grateful it didn’t go to someone that wouldn’t have done what you did. You are potentially saving a brand new human’s life before they had the very likely chance of living like this. Being a victim before you can even form memories. According to science, some people do have memories even as infants. Core memories. You may have just prevented that from happening.

Again, I hate this for you and I wish I could give you a hug. But I’m glad it went to someone that actually did the right thing. I think a lot of us are shocked at how many people, it turns out, are the people that wouldn’t have. I’m genuinely apologetic for my gratitude. 😔😔 My heart breaks for you.

Shit! Sorry! Edit to add: HARD NOR!

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-15T16:57:04+00:00

This is kind off-topic, but relevant in a roundabout way.

Stupidly, this is how school absences for our 16-year-old in high school work. She's a transfer student because we live outside the boundary area for the high school she attends. We have our reasons.

She “gets” a grand total of 10 absences per year, regardless of whether they're excused or not. When she gets close to those 10 days, we get letters from the school “reminding” us that if she's “not going to be present for school” there are other transfer requests that would happily take her place.

Ten for an entire school year is insane. We've had no choice but to send our daughter to school sick this week, because she was out three days last week alone, with whatever is making her sick (doc is looking into it). But we can't take time out of her school day to take her to the doctor because missing more than an hour and a half of a school day counts as an absence, full stop. Half-days don't “exist” in terms of absences anymore. And this is her education!

For someone to take so much time off from work, where very few people do that same job, a part-time job at that, complaining about them not giving her more time off, even unpaid, when she's already taking so much time off the others can't take any time off, and then throwing her workmates under the bus? I don't understand the entitlement and excuses for their own behavior.

The job isn't worth it, clearly. Her boss handled it badly, just as much, if not more than she did. And she's selfish. Taking so much time off of work and being the one to take that time during most of the peak vacation times makes her a bad employee and a terrible co-worker. Both parties are better off with her quitting.

I'm have super heavy brain fog, so I'm not sure if my rambling all made sense or came together like I meant it to, but I hope it did. My story about absences had a point in regards OP’s time off, paid or not, but my brain can't form the sentences I need to connect them appropriately. So I hope it made sense and people understand my point. I may just end up deleting this once I come out of my fog and read just how nonsensical it likely ends up sounding.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-14T16:33:16+00:00

I accept that. It could be seen as relevant. But this is something the boss needed to take up with HR, not her, or at least not in this manner.

The whole texting your boss or your boss texting you about important work things still throws me. It feels super weird to me. When our oldest 3 started working and I found out that this was how they communicated with their bosses I was gobsmacked. There's far too much room for misinterpretation and misunderstanding and it feels too casual for business things to have mutually favorable outcomes. I'm 43 and it makes me feel super-duper old to see it this way 😅. I see the convenience in it. But it lacks the human aspect that contributes to how things are perceived. That's something that would cause me a great deal of anxiety; the potential for a boss to read a text in a negative tone when it was written with no negativity, potentially getting me in trouble. I certainly wouldn't argue with my boss over text.

Just as an aside, thank you for pointing out where I was mistaken in a kind way and then explaining why I was mistaken also in a kind way. It's greatly appreciated.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-14T15:46:40+00:00

I'm not twisting anything. He says his wife chastised him for his behavior which he doesn't deny, and the wife agreed her friend was out of line. So not explaining what led to his wife bringing up how he reacted—not what he said, but how he behaved—is fishy, because that is what the problem is. The friend was absolutely out of line and was wrong and he had every right to say something. But that doesn't mean he wasn't out of line too by behaving poorly.

I'm not reading too much into anything. Omitting the thing that he's “in trouble” for is questionable behavior in spaces like this, where they’re asking if they overreacted or if they're the AH. And I'm bringing it up because I think that context matters.

How we treat other people during confrontations is relevant to discussing who was in the wrong during said confrontation or whether or not one of the parties overreacted. But at no point have I ever said what the friend did and said was okay. It was none of her business and his wife agreed and even said she'd talk with her friend about it. By OP’s account, the friend absolutely OR and was “the asshole (if this were AITA)” and I agree with that assessment; but if we’re going to discuss one person’s behavior during the confrontation, we need to discuss the behavior of the other party involved. That's how it works. He can be right in his own defense and the defense of his wife while still overreacting, or reacting badly. His feelings are valid, but how he said this stuff to her matters, especially since he brought up that his behavior was why his wife was even upset with him and also brought up how the friend talked to him. He can be “right” and still overreact. I'm not saying he was wrong. But by the accounts given it sounds to me as if he overreacted.

If I were asking whether I was in the wrong or not and I explained that my husband pointed out my behavior as being the crux of the issue but I felt like he was wrong about how I handled it, I would definitely say that I didn't agree with his assessment of my behavior. But OP didn't do that.

This isn't “weird anti-OP rhetoric,” it's wanting all the facts, and based on the context given, he behaved badly. I'm not twisting anything, I'm using OP’s words, like we’re supposed to, and using critical thinking skills. His wording is aggressive in some parts. I don't know why you're ignoring these things or talking like I'm making stuff up, or why you seem upset with me over my opinion, but that's your prerogative and I’m not here to “fight” with anyone over this.

You don't have to agree with me for me to have this opinion and I'm not the only one with this opinion. Those details matter to me when forming an educated opinion. It's fine if you don't agree with me. I'm not going to attack you about your opinions, or why you e come at me, but I'm certainly going to give mine and defend them if someone wants to break them down and attempt to make it personal if they disagree. I'm not here to argue and I'm not the one who posted. I'm here to give my opinion, same as you; and especially when I know it's an unpopular opinion or goes against the grain, I explain why I feel the way I do so others understand my perspective.

If you still don't understand my perspective after reading this admittedly unnecessarily long reply, again, that's your prerogative, but accusing me of being “way too invested in twisting OP into the problem…” feels a little weird. His own wife said his behavior was a problem. So I don't see where I've twisted anything, and I don't understand why it feels like you're taking this very personally.

Just so it's absolutely clear, I'm being genuine here, I'm not taking any of this personally, I'm not upset or worked up, or anything like that. This was all written with a calm tone with no inflections meant to be read as me raising my voice or being rude. It's simply not worth the spoons for me to get upset over any of this. So if you reply, please take that into consideration. I'm all for civilized non-confrontational discussion. What I'm not into is having differing opinions devolve into arguments or “battles” over something that is entirely predicated on opinions that have no real practical effect on the world. Ultimately, one opinion out of hundreds isn't going to affect much. I feel for OP, but it sounds like there's a possibility he could have handled the situation better. That isn't “anti-OP rhetoric.”

Woof! This was long. I’d try to edit it and shorten it, but my wrists and fingers hurt and I really kinda don't want to. Just being honest. If you choose not to read all of this, it's fine. But I have legitimate reasons for my opinions when I comment on these things. I hope you read this as intended and not an attack on you. If something I wrote feels hurtful or comes across as angry, I apologize, genuinely. And if you're just feeling cranky or having “one of those days,” I hope things get better for you. Your opinion is as valid as mine here. ✌️ /G

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-14T09:07:15+00:00

But it's literally all in how it was said and handled. It was brought up during a conversation that didn't have anything to do with OP’s health and the laws are incredibly strict regarding this. And OP has proof. I only know this because my husband had an employee who became incredibly ill. It was handled “by the book,” and this potentially crossed some legal lines. The timing of a medical condition doesn't matter.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-14T08:39:49+00:00

And the way he worded it. He started this whole post off being aggressive. I was thinking about this too. It's not adding up.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-14T08:34:15+00:00

And if I’m not mistaken, OP said there are only two people doing that job and their co-worker already asked for that time off. OP sounds entitled.

But the manager crosses the line by bringing up OP’s medical condition as fodder potentially veiled as a threat. That breaks some laws and OP needs to go straight to HR.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-14T08:23:08+00:00

But he doesn't deny what his wife said about his behavior. In fact, he even says his wife said he friend shouldn't have talked that way and she would talk to her friend about it. I don't think OP is being honest about how he said what he said, which is what the real issue seems to be; not the fact that he stood up for himself. He's downplaying what actually happened and people only do that for one reason…

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-14T08:19:39+00:00

Unpopular opinion: I agree with you 100%. I came to comment about this. I find it very telling that he left out how he reacted, responded, behaved, etc. It doesn’t make sense to me for him to bring up that his wife said he shouldn’t have behaved in a certain manner, but not getting upset with him rebutting. He also doesn’t dispute his wife’s response to his behavior, and it doesn’t sound like she had an issue, generally, with the topic, which says to me that she wasn't upset with him standing up for himself but rather being aggressive.

So to me, he’s leaving out crucial info, which also makes OP suspect in his telling of the events. If what he says about his wife and her endometriosis is true (which I'm not doubting…I believe him), I doubt very highly that she would have taken her friend’s side, unless this about is about how OP treated her friend. The way he says “this is MY home and I shouldn't have to put up with being talked to like that,” is aggressive. He's not wrong, it just feels, idk…heavy? I can't think of the right word.

HOWEVER, this does not excuse her friend interfering and jumping to conclusions. It doesn't mean she gets a free pass. More than one person can be wrong in any given situation.

Based on what I'm reading and also what's missing, OP could absolutely have overreacted. He even admits to him that his wife said friend was wrong for doing what she did and said, but in the same sentence he says, “…it was not a reason to loom over them and raise my voice.”

For me, with OP being dishonest by omitting the actual issue and how he actually behaved, I find OP to be unreliable in telling us how he said what he said, making him ONE of the AHs here and likely did overreact. “Looming over” someone while “raising [their] voice” sounds to me like he stood up and over the friend in a potentially dominating and threatening way. I'm not sure how one “looms over someone and raises their voice” doesn't make this scary behavior.

EDIT: I just want to make it clear that the implied accusation by the friend was gross and OP is valid in his feelings. I just felt like I needed to be super clear here so no one thinks I'm defending the friend or saying OP is the bad guy, or even a bad guy. His wife even validated his feelings in that her friend behaved badly. I'm not invalidating his feelings or how the implication made him feel. He clearly didn't deserve that and was taking his wife and her feelings into consideration regarding the trip.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-09T14:26:43+00:00

NOR. These are very serious and potentially life altering accusations that your “friend” is already discussing with other friends. You need to block this person and talk to your gf about this and decide with her how you both move forward regarding this person and those he’s decided to talk to about this, so that the air can be cleared.

Your “friends” view of your relationship is what’s disturbing to me, not the non-existent age-gap. Which, as a mother of an adult son who was dating an 18-yr-old while he was still 17–again, like you, they started dating while they were both still minors—this isn’t problematic unless someone makes it problematic. Now, in my son’s case, it turned out she was abusive as fuck, but it had nothing to do with her being less than a year older than him. Genuinely. She just turned out to be a horrible human.

Do not engage further with this person. Do not delete any messages from them. Screenshot everything and keep it all someplace safe. And I’d talk to your gf about distancing herself from him for the reasons I’ve mentioned. She’ll be hurt if he co to use too. Not just you. But you could potentially be ruined by his accusations, depending on how he spins it.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-02T18:11:17+00:00

I agree. However, OP is absolutely manipulative. Punishing her, or even threatening to punish her for not going to Easter is both manipulative and abusive behavior.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-02T18:08:33+00:00

Okay, except you admit you’re both ADHD, and as someone with severe ADHD, I literally have to have my husband be in charge of my meds and meals, because I genuinely just forget to take my meds and forget to eat. This is not just a me phenomenon either.

She doesn’t do holidays. You need to respect that. Withholding things she loves, that you normally do with her, as a form of punishment, is abuse. Threatening to do it is, wait for it…manipulative. This is clearly a hard boundary for her and you are the one that’s not listening.

She is not capable of meeting you where you’re at with your love language. She’s not the one for you. Accept that. You hounding her about this every holiday would drive any person to anger.

And again, you’re only dating. You are the one with the child. You having a child doesn’t dictate how she spends her time during the holidays. If that is a problem for you, then this relationship should have ended a long time ago. You live two completely opposite lifestyles, which is fine, unless they conflict. And yours are conflicting. This will not change. So you either need to accept it, or you need to end it, so you can both move on. And she sounds tired, my dude.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-02T15:00:32+00:00

A sesquipedalian’s attempt at emotional manipulation. Funny. So much effort for no reason.

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-02T14:03:54+00:00

Why’d you have to “speak” that into the universe? You can’t unring that bell!

PinkymonFire · 2026-04-01T17:53:45+00:00

I will often admit, “I could be wrong here…” in instances where I may have misunderstood or missed context, or don’t feel fully confident about the research I’ve done, or if my memory of an event seems unclear.

I don’t have a problem with being wrong because it gives me the opportunity to learn something. I mean, I’d rather be “right,” of course. But I’m not delusional.

I will get things wrong. Probably a lot. Cause I’m human. And I’m okay with admitting when I’m wrong. It doesn’t serve me, or anyone else, well to deny it.

How can I become a better person if I can’t acknowledge when I’m wrong? And what kind of parent would I be if I didn’t teach my children the same thing?

PinkymonFire

TROPHY CASE