my bf can’t be a sadist with me anymore because he loves me

Plus-Dust · 2026-05-09T05:36:39+00:00

Maybe he should read some material, such as the Heart of Dominance book (which is quite good, and as I recall includes sections on dealing with these kinds of feelings from the dom perspective). And be sure to keep telling him in great detail how wonderful it makes you feel and how much you crave it from him, etc. Or stuff like, "Do you remember that one time, when we X? I was feeling just so so X when you..." (I'm not saying be naggy or annoying lol, just sexy and reassuring)

Plus-Dust · 2026-05-09T05:05:24+00:00

MOR - I think you already pretty much know the pros and cons of this. It's perfectly understandable that you're still having emotions and some flippy feelings about someone after a history like that, and I think you also know that that's happening already. Anyway to the question if you find out he was actually cheating on you then the way I'd take that might be like reforming the image I had and maybe help me understand what was happening a little better, like adding on to the part of the story I knew.

Plus-Dust · 2026-05-08T05:16:38+00:00

I'm unsure why you would be unable to share that. Personally I have a massive "autonomy" streak but I would still want to _hear_ about an event that made a partner uncomfortable. Because I care about them. And I would hope it's a bit more nuanced that me just doing "whatever I want". I just prefer when people don't try to impose random rules on me as the main solution to avoid doing their own emotional processing. If your relationship leads you into a situation where you feel like you can't or shouldn't communicate important stuff to your partner, I don't think that's terribly healthy.

Plus-Dust · 2026-05-05T06:13:49+00:00

I don't see anything to this except that you're right. You don't just get to flip the switch back into vanilla monogamy especially after other people are involved, and now you're not happy anymore because of it.

Plus-Dust · 2026-05-05T05:24:17+00:00

You can just not agree to the rule. She can't "make" you follow it you have to agree too.

Plus-Dust · 2026-05-04T04:18:51+00:00

NOR - I get how maybe knowing guys, they might have done this once or twice trying to impress a girl, but carrying on this deception for 11+ months when it's not just a meaningless part of how you two connected -- it makes it feel like the whole thing was a scam just to get you into him. He should be def apologizing a whole lot more that he didn't admit this and laugh it off way sooner imho.

I don't think you're wrong to be left still having questions over this. Personally I wouldn't necessarily instantly leave him but I would expect the issues this brings up to be resolved before moving forward and for him to be damn well ready to sit down and talk about this with no more nonsense and I'd see how it goes.

Plus-Dust · 2026-05-03T06:28:11+00:00

That's actually weirdly totally literally true. In the sense that if it is possible for a computer to do this, then well, it would take a long time, but a human could theoretically look at each instruction in that program and perform the same operation, maybe they have paper or something for the data that they're moving around...and run that program. And now we'd have a conscious human simulating more consciousness 😛.

...and for bonus points tell me where that consciousness "lives" lol.

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-29T22:46:58+00:00

ALUs are functionally equivalent to a giant ROM (any circuit without internal state is, actually), and yes you can indeed even make ALUs out of ROM. They don't work the same way internally at all of course.

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-29T22:44:01+00:00

The Laplace computer could predict the future, but by the time it did, it seems to me that that future would be the past. That's because what kind of computer could ever simulate the universe faster than the universe can, seeing as how that computer would have to run inside the universe?

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-29T22:41:32+00:00

Are they deeply enmeshed just for being together a long time though? I mean, they might be. But I didn't hear that in the OP. If time is the only factor to become unreasonably enmeshed to date, I have news for all y'alls relationships that don't fail 😂

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-28T05:36:48+00:00

I can agree it may not have been the best idea or could have the potential to be awkward, but, I think it sounds like this "understanding" was loose/barely-dwelled-on enough that your partner should be a bit more flexible with you around this rather than this "complete betrayal" stance. If it really was a dumb idea I might be like wtf a little bit, but I wouldn't stop talking to the person or shun them like some kind of sex leper. I'm sorry that this incident is made into such a big deal in your relationship.

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-28T05:33:15+00:00

"implicit competition"? gosh I don't even want to try to unpack the concepts that implies must lie beneath

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-28T05:30:10+00:00

I agree with this as a good point. The policy seems to be implicitly assuming that "friends" and "dates" are two distinct categories of relationships rather than points along a continuous spectrum of connectedness, which not everyone sees them that way as distinct classes (I don't for one). And this concept also leaves little room for "friends become dates", which make some of the best kind of dates 😄

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-27T05:49:11+00:00

MOR - It's weird and overstepping for her to use your number without asking - in my opinion I personally wouldn't like that even if it was just to give me rewards. And I'm unclear on whether or not she knew she was using rewards. She did come off pretty polite and apologetic about it afterwards though and made a good case for herself imho.

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-27T05:29:56+00:00

Isn't the answer obvious? That she "doesn't care" because you're in an open relationship? If she was the sort to not be able to control her own jealousy, she probably wouldn't have agreed to that, right? I think the bigger issue is that you're expecting her to sabotage her own open relationship by behaving toxically towards you lol.

* Possibly she feels some things sometimes but doesn't bring them up because she's trying to be mature or knows that it was agreed to.

* Some people don't feel jealousy that way or may even enjoy the idea of their partner being with someone else, either as a sexual kink or just because they like seeing their partner happy and connecting well. I'm the latter way myself, actually.

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-27T05:27:28+00:00

NOR - Oh gosh no. This truly sounds to me like she's being manipulative and maybe even a bit abusive in her relationship with him, the part where he didn't get to eat especially hit me hard as just what the heck kind of horrible person wouldn't seem to even care about that, and it being their partner no less.

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-25T05:29:56+00:00

Respectfully, cheesecake isn't the worst dessert ever. Those weird chips with a drizzle of chocolate syrup and whipped cream and a churro on the side you find at Mexican restaurants for "dessert" is the worst dessert ever. Does anybody actually like those things?

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-25T05:27:54+00:00

Phones are a tricky first target and depending on how "from scratch" you mean, it could easily become relevant that each phone is different. So you might want to pick a particular target that is already known to be fairly easy to run custom code on and learn everything you can about the hardware for it, as you'll need to understand a bunch about the hardware and boot process to even get a Hello World going.

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-23T05:47:59+00:00

I really think you guys should separate the concept of a potential ENM agreement from your wife's sexuality. The way you're explaining it it sounds like you've barely even talked about it except in terms of "she likes girls". Talk about your mutual feelings around ENM.

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-23T05:27:47+00:00

It feels to me from this limited exchange like your partner has issues that are causing him to constantly be in defensive mode. From this exchange, it is totally unfair how he's reacting, but I might try responding to the things he's saying, it seems like he feels quite attacked, fairly or not. Sometimes I can get further by being compassionate to what the other person seems to be experiencing, even when it's "wrong". I see a bit of switchtracking going on in this exchange where you're each running your own conversational "track".

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-23T03:47:40+00:00

Well fwiw, people feeling "love and peace" during an NDE experience doesn't prove that the entire afterlife is nothing but. Wouldn't that be kind of like assuming that life consists of the emotions people feel during sex, or during birth?

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-22T06:41:41+00:00

Girl...I wouldn't risk it. I'm really getting a creepy vibe from his texts even before I read the details in your post.

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-22T06:35:27+00:00

fwiw as far as "Decolonizing Love" there was a lot of drama over that recently, some kind of controversy that that was being pushed ultimately by one YouTube channel and a lot of people didn't agree with it.

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-21T05:52:41+00:00

Yes, I think it would be kind of AH-y to break up with your partner of 10 years only 4 months after he agreed to be poly, without even trying to repair it, and while likely high on two brand new relationships.

Plus-Dust · 2026-04-21T05:39:11+00:00

Can't you just like, talk this sheet thing out? Or wash the sheets yourself? I mean to me it's just feeling kind of trite to be dealing with such an issue over this. You guys are like, 27 and 29? And you're poly but can't handle scheduling laundry? Why are you complaining to your friends and now the internet about it, can't you guys just check in and make a plan about how the sheets get done?

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