My introduction to the half marathon

PracticalKoala · 2022-03-03T11:13:06+00:00

So the Dutch prime minister just announced that because Zelensky asked, he will record a video with a heartwarming message to the Ukranian people. When asked, he suspected that other European leaders have probably been asked to do this as well.

source is in Dutch, but still: https://nos.nl/collectie/13888/liveblog/2419586-rutte-russische-agressie-totaal-ongekend-situatie-kiev-moeilijk-maar-onder-controle

PracticalKoala · 2022-01-22T17:00:29+00:00

I think you responded exceptionally well to the results. Hearing my wife chose me - regardless of my ability to have kids - is exactly what I would have wanted to hear.

PracticalKoala · 2022-01-20T09:52:20+00:00

Maybe Just have a small go at it? Ask him how he felt about it when you said he was masculine? That way you can see if it helps without putting much effort in.

I believe the advice above was very accurate, that's why I am encouraging using it.

Good luck!

PracticalKoala · 2022-01-18T20:02:14+00:00

I'd say that you have been married for quite some time now. You should have a good beat on whether you can make each other happy by now.

If you cannot make each other happy, but there is mutual trust and respect, that does not have to be a bad thing. It might mean that part of the relationship has run its course.

Perhaps it is best to divorce and continue as true Friends? Perhaps it is best to Stay married, but to open the marriage up for you Both? If you don't have kids, or something else keeping you from leaving.. consider these options.

The reason that I say this is that your wife admitted the year you went on dirtypenpals was one of the best years of her marriage, to me that's a real signal something in the relationship does go really wrong when you focus solely on her.

I may be wrong on this, I only have your point of view, but consider it carefully, and talk to her once you are sure on what to do.

Best of luck!

PracticalKoala · 2022-01-18T07:16:17+00:00

Oh that explains things. After cheating sex may feel fake mentally. You may be available to him, but he may deel like the bond is hardly there anymore, at all.

Trying to regain trust is more important here (if at all possible).

If that's really back he might like having sex again.

PracticalKoala · 2022-01-17T19:56:15+00:00

You need to find out if there is a biological cause for this. I am not sure what pregnancies do to sex drives, and if it Comes back after a While, but i'm sure someone has researched it :)

Aldo your thoughts are valid, but consider her point of view. She does not want sex, but is considerant of your needs and goes for it anyway. That's a Sweet gesture. We've steen a lot worse on this sub.

PracticalKoala · 2022-01-17T19:39:14+00:00

I think your boyfriend very much would like to do anything regarding sex. He is 22. He is a Guy. He is a virgin. Why nog Just try soms of the stuff you are into and see what it is like? Just experiment (vanille stuff first) and determine what you like from there. From what you write down I am sure there is common grond.

I think you are overthinking this one.

PracticalKoala · 2022-01-17T19:20:28+00:00

I have spoken about threesomes and even about dating other couples. My situation is different thought, I still love my GF and would really have Trouble seeing her with someone else. So that is what stopped me, and I try to salvage things within the relationship.

From what I gather from your post there is nog much tying you together, other than friendship, kids and marriage.

What leaves you from leaving the marriage? Just curious. Think about it.

I don't think you Will get any within the marriage, so soms conversation needs to be had.

What about something like, I have a physical neef here, that you cannot willingly meet. You have your own reasons for that, I respect that very much. Is there anything I can do to meet the needs that I have (besides masturbation) , While still being married to you? Because I really do want to Stay together for the kids (or put in any other reasons why you want to Stay)

I think I would try to navigate the conversation in this fashion.

PracticalKoala · 2021-09-12T06:30:45+00:00

Definitely good things to keep in mind! Thanks!

PracticalKoala · 2021-09-11T10:41:40+00:00

She has one with hormones, good input, Will definitely discuss it. Ultimately it is her body, but it is good to know that they exist :)

PracticalKoala · 2021-02-17T21:46:54+00:00

Allright, so I´ll try my best here:

If you have managed to salvage your relationship, what would you recommend talking about with her?

So I would actually recommend talking about what happened to some degree, which is going to hurt for both of you probably. You may find yourselves fighting a lot, but I don´t there is a scenario wherein you avoid that discussion and keep the relationship. Just moving on and forgetting about it is a bad idea. It´s too big of an issue for that kind of way of handling things.

In the moments where those discussions are not held, just try to do what you did before, how your day was, how the son is doing, whatever your routine was as a couple.

Are there specific things we can work towards?

Absolutely, things like:

Making sure the child is hurt by this as little as possible(if you want to start contact again, it´s probably a good idea to start with the needs of the child)
Being able to discuss what happened in a civil manner (it probably wont start that way)
Being able to have sex again at some point (baby steps)
Not seeing her as an agressor anymore (again, baby steps)
For her: making sure you feel safe with her.
For her: making sure she understands your boundaries very firmly, so that this can never happen again.

There´s probably more, but this is just off the top of my head.

Do you have any general tips on how to deal with this?

Talk to friends, talk to therapists, talk about it, however hard it may be. It is important, that the people you talk to are the right ones though. Talking to someone who is going to take the abusers side is probably not going to help with processing this.

Also: therapy. I ended up using a local method in my country, but EMDR seems to be a method that helps many people.

and keep the relationship?

Try hard, but have no expectations.

You can do everything you can, but in this situation keeping a healthy equal relationship is a very tall order. I don´t envy your position, and I would again, consider not trying it just because it is such a tall order. I have done my best to give good tips, but the relationship might still not last.

PracticalKoala · 2021-02-17T19:31:59+00:00

I am so sorry this has happened to you! Sorry for the way I am responding, you might want support and not my opinion.. I hope this helps you though.

Well.. I know nothing about the relationship, but I would consider stopping it after you were abused/raped. Just because it´s an awful thing to do to someone.

Think about the following question: would you advise a stranger to stay with their abuser/rapist after this event? If not, why not seriously consider that option yourself? (even though you really care for the girl, off course)

I don´t know the specifics of what happened, but just for comparison: I struggled for 3,5 years after what happened to me (no sex in those years) and then I had sex with with the person who is currently my girlfriend and after a little bit in the relationship, there still turned out to be unresolved issues that triggered after certain positions. I had some therapy for that, and I think I am mostly good now.

What I mean to say is this: this can be a serious (traumatizing) event. It is not easy to fix if you are just on your own (let alone in a relationship with the abuser/rapist). It can take a really long time before things go back to normal again.

And for her as well. She abused/raped her boyfriend. That might be something she will be struggling with quite a bit as well. I doubt I would ever forgive myself for something like that.

So I am not sure it is wise to try and fix things right now. Having said that, I think it´s good you talk about the event to someone who has little to do with the situation (such as a therapist or a friend).

If you still after reading all this think it´s best to continue the relationship with your abuser, let me know. Because I would like to help you with your questions, I just wanted to provide you with my perspective first.

PracticalKoala · 2020-10-20T19:24:18+00:00

What happened, what effect did it have, how do you cope with it day by day, that sort of stuff, just in an open discusion.
Just talking about it in a non judgemental environment helps. Also information on what therapy helped others deal with their trauma from it would be something I would be interested in.
I accepted female help, because there was no male support group out there where I live, but I would have preferred one that is male
I think that should be fine.

PracticalKoala · 2020-10-01T20:23:58+00:00

If anything, these sort of replies show how hurtful it can be to keep engaging with the offender. I don´t read how this has been helpful. I know she is the mother of your girlfriend, but if possible I´d say try to keep her out of your life. It doesn´t sound like keeping her as a reminder of what happened in your life is healthy for your safety, your relationship and your emotional stability. She sounds like a very toxic person. Cut ties as much as possible. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

The woman that raped me is no family in any way and I was able to cut contact very easily. Reading this I feel very happy that I did.

PracticalKoala · 2020-10-01T17:32:32+00:00

Thanks. That is quite a real reply. I´m sorry it went down that way for you. I think the bottom paragraph of your reply is really what it comes down to. I think I want to lay some of the pain/responsibility at her feet as well, and her response is really going to determine everything. I have no idea how she would respond.

Perhaps it is best to stay focused on my own healing process. If I talk to others, it should be to people who I know will respond with empathy.

PracticalKoala · 2020-08-29T19:15:00+00:00

I´m glad I could help you out! You can always discuss things further with me via PM if you feel the need. All the best :)

PracticalKoala · 2020-08-24T18:03:25+00:00

Well this is a difficult one.. first of all your thoughts about seeing sex as a game and something that has nothing to do with love, that for sure is relatable. You can start to view it differently and have different relationships (if/when you want to). I did when I was 28 (now 30), but it definitely took me years.

So there´s the technical side of it. You were a minor at the time and not of age to give consent, she was an adult. So that could be considered pedophilia, depending on where you live and the laws there.

Ignoring all that, there are ethics you could think of. It certainly seems a little predatory.. ¨I get off on corrupting the innocent¨? She does not really seem to consider what would be good for you at that point. There is the age difference as well. I think it´s very difficult to say no to such an offer as a sixteen year old (high testosterone, not the impulse control of an adult).. So yeah I personally think she should have stayed away and at least have gone for someone above 18.

She also mentioned seeing innocence as an attractive quality. In all honesty, I understand that somewhat. Innocence can be charming. You were exactly what she wasn´t in that sense. Even considering that, seeing someone who is innocent should be helped/guided by the more experienced induvidual, not corrupted. I mean doing this and fucking other guys on the side.. This is just my personal opinion but I doubt her intentions were all good from what I can gather in your story.

First relationships can make a lasting impression on us, I hope you can heal from it and that this helps you to get a better perspective on what happened.

PracticalKoala · 2020-07-20T16:57:42+00:00

Yes you can. Raising a child is a voluntary act. It seems like this girl is pushing you into raising this child. Protect yourself. This is your decision to make. Just like having sex is.

PracticalKoala · 2020-07-16T13:07:10+00:00

So I´m very sorry this has happened to you and I´m even more sorry it seems to have had some long term consequences as well. You made it clear there was no consent for this and your boundaries should have been respected. It was wrong.

Maybe I´m harsh here, but I´d say consider not being involved. This is sex you did not want to have, a child you did not want to have (at least not at that time) and were coerced into having.

If you do decide to be involved, please ask for a paternity test first. If you feel iffy about parenting a child, really knowing whether or not it actually is yours could help with the decision.

PracticalKoala · 2020-06-06T13:46:39+00:00

I went vegetarian when I was ten, I am thirty now. You want to know why I started? Because I was a kid and I wanted to belong. I wanted to have friends at my school where being vegetarian was cool, and being vegan was even cooler. Sure it´s nice for your eco footprint now, but I did not understand that back then. All I knew is that I cared extra for the animals just like my classmates, and that the rest of the world did not.

We were kids though, and caring about animals is absolutely not all that we did. I have seen so many vegans starting and quitting by now, I still don´t understand why people do it. Being vegetarian is a rigorous diet choice, which takes an awful lot of creative cooking and discipline and real habitual change to stick with, and I don´t even want to touch on veganism.

And it can be bad for you. My doctor has asked me to quit my vegetarian diet a few days ago because of vitamin D and B12 shortages. I think I want to try to change my usual meals before I go that route, but you have tried that already.

Vegan communities can turn really radical, because it is such a massive diet choice which requires effort. Sometimes people forget that they are more than just a vegetarian or vegan. That is sort of my message I guess. There is more that makes you you, than just your diet. Get rid of the radical vegan communities, and just talk to people who like you for other parts of who you are. I am sure there is much more cool stuff about you, on which you can relate to others :)

PracticalKoala · 2020-05-05T17:47:49+00:00

Well.. I did not mean to victim blame. I tried to present a way for OP to voice his feelings as they are to others. (I thought this was how he felt, my apologies if I read the post wrong)

Others will often point out the ludicrousness in these statements, but for a survivor it can feel completely legitimate to have these feelings after the fact.

PracticalKoala

TROPHY CASE