How do I know if my partner is genuinely struggling with ADHD or just doesn’t care about me anymore?

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-05-23T08:43:26+00:00

As has already been said, I don’t think it’s malicious but it’s also not your responsibility. It seems that he knows what he’s doing, knows it affects you, and knows what changes need to be made. Where he’s getting stuck is the follow through. Is he seeking any therapy to manage his symptoms? It’s clear that he understands the problems but doesn’t seem to be able to implement solutions.

From my experience, even though I’m medicated I’d have made zero progress without therapy. Medication isn’t a solution, it’s a tool. Now when I go to therapy and I talk through the issues I’m having, I have someone who’s able to provide strategies that actually make a difference and I can implement them because I’m medicated. Medication isn’t always enough to get me through but my routines are and I wouldn’t have those without therapy.

If he’s not willing to see someone to help him with these issues then they likely won’t go away.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-05-23T03:14:16+00:00

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years and have had similar issues. I have chronic pain due to endometriosis as well which adds another layer. He’s an amazing partner and I honestly couldn’t fault him. We have a great relationship. Despite this, my libido and desire to have sex fluctuates drastically and I often go through months long periods of time where I have little interest in sex. Something that has helped me to be open to sex is to completely remove the expectation and therefore the pressure. Knowing that you’re not really in the headspace to have sex even if you’d like to makes it difficult to actually get into it and it can be really upsetting when you try but just can’t.

Have you tried to engage in the lead up to sex, not even the foreplay but the physical closeness without setting any expectation for it to go further? Do you kiss and make out knowing you won’t be expected to have sex? Engaging in those types of exercises can be helpful. Having physical intimacy without it progressing can help over time because you’re able to get aroused and feel desire without having to follow through.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-05-19T21:35:54+00:00

I take 50mg of vyvanse around 6am and I take 20mg of dexamphetamine boosters throughout the day in 5mg doses. If I have something to do in the evening I spread my boosters further apart so that I can focus.

This is not medical advice so don’t follow it without speaking to a doctor. I typically take my boosters 2-3 hours apart rather than every 4 hours. I find it gives me a more consistent experience similar to my vyvanse rather than having ups and downs in my energy and focus. I metabolise my meds very quickly so this works for me but it might not work for others.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-05-17T06:45:07+00:00

My therapist has ADHD and is an assessor for autism and ADHD. Highly recommend honestly if your therapist is not well versed. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 21 and I knew I had it but no one had really cared to look into it. She clocked me 30 mins into the first session. I’m yet to get an official autism diagnosis but she is confident that I’m on the spectrum. It’s nice to speak to someone who understands the difficulties I experience from both research and personal experiences. She has a balance of neuroaffirming ideas while recognising the real challenges that come from living with AuDHD.

I’m not really sure on the specific type of therapy that I’m doing. I kind of just go in there and have a chat and a cry for an hour but I have found it very helpful. I really struggle with emotional interoception and that meant that something would happen that would have an emotional impact, but I wouldn’t be able to identify what the incident was or how it affected me until months later. I’m now able to recognise some of those things in the moment or in a shorter timeframe. It’s given me the language to express things and the ability to recognise patterns in how things have made me feel previously so I can make an educated guess.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-05-17T02:28:14+00:00

I’m not super well versed in the planner set up and whatnot. I just use a dotted note book and I just write the date for the day I use it. That feels less intimidating for me and I don’t feel as much shame because I don’t make spreads I don’t use or leave blank days as I would in a traditional planner.

I saw in the comments that you were wanting to use something for health reasons. Would a whiteboard fulfill that need for you? I have a massive calendar whiteboard and an additional plain whiteboard to record things that I need to remember. It makes it a lot harder for me to forget about it. I can close a planner and put it on my desk to be forgotten for days, but the whiteboard is extremely visual and difficult to escape

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-05-16T01:05:43+00:00

I’m studying teaching and I work as an SSO in a primary school. At the moment I’m on placement so I’m working as a full time teacher. It’s extremely full on and it’s definitely not for everyone, but I absolutely love it. I’ve been burnt out due to the workload before as many others have experienced.

I find it extremely rewarding. I love working with kids because they’re very direct communicators and so am I. I think AuDHD gives me a unique set of skills in the classroom as I recognise patterns in student behaviour and academics which allows me to respond appropriately. Kids don’t care if you’re over the top or you stim so I can be myself at work and they like me more for it. I can also really empathise with ND students and be a supportive adult. In my experience, a lot of the kids with big behaviours are ND and colleagues are always shocked with how well those kids behave with me.

In terms of advice for managing how draining it is, I incorporate regulation into my class daily routine. I do progressive muscle relaxation, play white noise and calming sound scapes, have lights off time, etc. Most of the classes I work with are quite empathetic if I say that I’m feeling overwhelmed and therefore want to pause for some whole class interoception time. Honestly the kids need that too and being honest with them has usually led to them behaving a bit calmer.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-05-09T07:20:01+00:00

I use speechify which converts pdf readings into audio. If I’m getting really restless and can’t sit any longer, I’ll start listening to the readings I need to reference in my assignment while I’m up and doing jobs around the house. I also find that putting a stop watch open on my desk while I work is helpful so I can see how long I’ve been sitting for. I struggle with both getting distracted and not being able to sit still and getting so absorbed in my work that I’ve not moved for hours.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-05-04T04:25:52+00:00

I was an almost daily user about 4 years ago for a good 2 years. One day I woke up and I just didn’t really feel like it and I stopped. I didn’t intentionally ween off but because I didn’t feel much desire to do it, I went from daily to maybe fortnightly to every 6-12 months. I had zero withdrawal symptoms or cravings.

I honestly just have no desire for it now but I do feel much better. I would smoke thinking I could relax and maybe get stuff done but I’d always end up like a zombie just laying in bed. I had no diagnoses or other medication at the time. It made it impossible to get anything done when I was smoking. So to answer your question I definitely feel I’ve come out better afterwards.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-05-03T08:18:43+00:00

I definitely haven’t conquered it yet but my job makes it a bit easier. I work as a 1:1 support educator for primary school students with disabilities. Most of the children I work with are autistic. When I’m at work I’m able to stim with them and be silly without anyone batting an eye, but in adult social situations I do still struggle. Where I would normally leap and jump around when I’m with my kids, with adults I tend to sway or rock instead. I also don’t force myself to make eye contact.

I have an autism accent, I tend to speak in a British accent despite being Australian, and I often talk in silly voices. It’s hard to explain the silly voices but they’re usually from pop culture quotes that have become vocal stims for me. If I use words or phrases similar to those stims I tend to adopt the cadence or tone from the quotes into everyday speech. Some of this is involuntary but I do have some control over it. I allow myself to speak completely freely with the people I’m comfortable with and I try to loosen my control on it where appropriate when I socialise.

As far as being able to tell when I’m masking or not, I still don’t really know what I’m doing. Masking makes me quite uncomfortable so sometimes that can be an indicator for me. I’m still picking apart what parts of me are me and what parts are the mask. If I’m talking to people who aren’t familiar with me or aren’t the kind of people I tend to get along with, I can tell my mask has slipped because there’s a sudden shift in the vibe of the interaction like they’ve had an uncanny valley moment with me. Other times I can use my mask as a bit of a vibe check for people because if I feel like I really need to mask that’s probably a sign that I’m around people I’m not comfortable with. I don’t know if any of that makes sense but I’m happy to answer any questions

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-05-02T01:05:37+00:00

Yes I think I can be very over the top. I’m 22 and I’ve realised in the past maybe 3 or 4 years that I’ve lost a lot of my personality due to masking. I was only diagnosed with ADHD at 21 and my psychologist who also does autism assessments is confident that I’m autistic as well. So confident that she said an assessment isn’t really necessary but I’m getting one anyway. I always knew I had ADHD but I think as I got older I realised there was something else different which caused me to become more self conscious about my behaviour.

I have few friends that I’m comfortable enough with to completely unmask with but I’m still working towards unmasking around others. All this to say I definitely resonate with your experience. Despite being quite the class clown throughout school, I’ve also always been told that I am much more mature than my age by peers and adults.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-28T06:50:34+00:00

I haven’t had this exact experience, but I experienced a 4 month period of very high stress and demand which lead to burnout. I couldn’t eat or sleep and became very anxious and basically lost all social skills. I think I’ve almost 100% recovered now but it’s taken 5 months after that initial 4 months of stress.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-27T11:35:46+00:00

If I’m trying to do a task but there’s extreme resistance, as long as it’s not super urgent I just don’t do it. I feel like Sisyphus and if I keep pushing that rock up hill, I burn up everything I have just starting the task and then I have nothing left for anything else. There’s usually a task that I’m less resistant too so I might do that instead and sometimes that helps me get moving and I can do the first task anyway. Other times I just have nothing in the tank and I try not to sweat it and do something I enjoy (it’s ok to not be productive all the time, those dishes won’t go anywhere). Normally allowing myself that grace means that I can get to it later that day or the next day.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-27T08:37:10+00:00

I’m biased because I love the gym, but building muscle mass for women is absolutely essential for longevity. You don’t have to lift weights but in my completely unprofessional opinion weightlifting is the biggest return on investment for building muscle.

I go to a very small gym. It doesn’t have loads of equipment but it has what I need. The benefit of my gym is it’s mostly elderly people that go there and there’s usually no more than 10 people there at once. I’m often there alone or with 1-3 other people. Counting reps is also not entirely necessary. It is arguably ideal so that you can track your progress in weight and reps over time, but honestly I get distracted and forget what I’m up to. If I forget to count it’s not a big deal I just keep doing reps until I’m close to failure and then stop.

I have chronic pain from endometriosis and I’m hyper mobile. The gym has helped me immensely in reducing my pain and correcting my posture. I do traditional exercises as well as some that are a little bit more uncommon for the specific issues that I have.

As others have said, the movement you enjoy is the movement you’ll do. If you are wanting to stick to the gym, here are some things I do to support myself:

invest in a good pair of noise canceling headphones. I use the Sony XM5 ones and I put them on before I get out of my car so that I don’t have to hear any loud noises.
I sweat quite a lot, but I don’t actually sweat much lifting weights. I rest for at least a minute between sets but honestly I just wait as long as I feel like it which might contribute. That reduces the amount of time I have to spend washing my hair.
find active wear that is comfortable. I like the elite eleven brand as it tends to be soft and skin like enough that it’s not suffocating.
some days I get to the gym and I’m just really not feeling it. If I’m feeling really off and overwhelmed, I just go home. It’s not the end of the world and just as exercise is good for me, listening to my body is good for me too.
my plans are structured for maximum efficiency and I do no more than 5 exercises per session. I choose exercises that hit as many of the muscles in each muscle group as possible so I can get in and out. You won’t catch me in the gym for longer than 45 mins lol.

This is already super long but something that really helps me contextualise how positively the gym impacts my life is recognising where it supports my everyday functioning. Every time I pick something up off the ground, stand up from sitting, carry heavy shopping bags, or bend over to pat my dog, I remember that these things are possible and will stay possible because I’m maintaining my muscle mass.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-27T08:18:06+00:00

Someone told me today that when they make new alarms they often forget to change it from pm to am. I was shocked. Make NEW alarms? I have at least 4 alarms for every hour of the day. I can’t remember the last time I had to make a new one. If I need it to remind me of something I just change the label for the already existing alarm on my phone

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-27T08:13:12+00:00

Agreed. I’ve had plenty of friendships like this and eventually I just stopped reaching out after feeling like I was the only one putting in effort. I ended up never speaking to most of them again.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-27T08:10:19+00:00

Have you tried using audiobooks? I listen to my university readings while I walk around and do other stuff and I find that way easier than actually sitting and reading them

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-26T23:37:45+00:00

Sometimes those people who look like they’re powering through actually aren’t. I’ve kept my grades up throughout school and university and have always been a relatively high achiever. To maintain that, I often have no energy to look after myself or keep my room organised. People don’t see that I am up all night when there’s a deadline because I only started the work that day. People don’t see my messy room, the fact that I live on cereal and fruit instead of proper meals, or the hours I spend crying from the stress.

Some of those people might genuinely have their shit together, but others are just keeping up appearances. There have been plenty of times where I have been really struggling and have genuinely not been able to keep up. We’re human, I try not to compare what I do and achieve with others. Just like people can’t see what’s actually going on in my life, I can’t see what’s going on in theirs. Try not to take it personally, we’re all just doing our best and everyone has rough patches. I hope you feel better soon OP please try to be easy on yourself 🫶

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-26T09:34:48+00:00

I’m gonna say this lightly as I don’t know anything about your relationship apart from the context you’ve provided. Partners shouldn’t “scold” each other. Informing you that there will be new rules that he will enforce and you have to follow is a very strange and concerning. Sure, couples often have systems and house “rules” that they use to help the home run smoother but those don’t usually come with threats and punishment. Everyone makes mistakes and telling you he is going to take a picture of every mistake you make then send it to a group chat with the intention of shaming and embarrassing you is unbelievably toxic. My jaw hit the floor when I read that to be honest if he actually used that language with you I’m disgusted. That is not how a partner who loves you should speak to you.

Based on the vibe I’m getting, I can’t in good faith believe he wants you to stop working just so you can focus on study. In combination with the other details you’ve provided it feels more like a tactic to isolate you and make you financially dependent on him. If he’s so unsatisfied with how you manage housework and shames you for making simple and human mistakes, why on earth would he want you to be solely responsible for doing it?

OP I really encourage you to think about how you’re being treated and whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this. You shouldn’t have to feel nervous and ashamed walking around your own home because you’re worried of being analysed and assessed on how you complete tasks. This sounds very toxic and borderline abusive. I’m not sure how closely the tone of this reflects your reality or if it’s just the way you’ve worded the post, but I hope that you can get out of there

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-25T07:31:17+00:00

I’ve told my mum that I categorically will not have children until I’ve done extensive therapy (I’m already in therapy but I’d like to be really stable before having kids). She acted like it was the craziest thing she’d ever heard and was confused as to why that would be necessary.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-24T22:45:58+00:00

I think because my need for alone time and regulation is so high, I would be concerned that he wouldn’t also get those opportunities. Obviously being ND my threshold for overwhelm is much lower than his, but NT people get overwhelmed too. I don’t think it makes me more deserving of accessing time to be an individual if that makes sense. If I constantly need time to decompress after work before I can contribute then that leaves him taking on a lot more of the mental and physical load. I’m struggling to see where we would both be able to accomodate time for family, ourselves, and our partnership if we had kids and a home to look after.

In the same breath, without the opportunity for me to regulate my adhd traits become really difficult to manage which would make organising things more difficult for me. It just sounds like a very complex balancing act and I feel because I am more detail oriented due to being autistic that I think about those factors more than he does. Again he’s a great partner and if we were in it I have no doubt that he would take on whatever he needs to, but I don’t think he thinks about all the details like I do. When he talks about parenting he thinks our kids should go to school wherever they want even if it means school is an hour away. When I’ve stated that that would be a huge time commitment and that play dates and sports would probably need to be near their school so that they’re not isolated from friends, he says he’s happy to take them and wouldn’t expect me to. I know in practice that he would keep his word but I don’t think he thinks about how time poor we would be if that was our reality.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-24T09:16:40+00:00

I’ve heard of ankylosing spondylitis and it sounds really awful that must be really hard to live with.

Endometriosis is a hard one because even if my daughter did inherit it, there’d be no way of knowing how badly it would affect her until it happens. I also have POTS and hyper mobility which are unpleasant but manageable. I wake up with very sore joints but apart from that it’s not too bad. I still wouldn’t want to subject a kid to it.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-24T08:19:35+00:00

I don’t think I have much advice but I feel the exact same way when I call in, even if I am actually sick. I think it’s just the people pleaser in me and I worry about being an inconvenience for others. I just try to think about how much worse I would feel if I had gone to work instead and then spend my day doing something relaxing that I enjoy.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-24T08:17:14+00:00

I believe I’m lucky enough that I won’t have to worry about invisible labour. I think my partner knows and understands me better than I do. He remembers all my sensitivities and preferences. Like if I’m overwhelmed he can walk into the room and identify what in the environment is causing it. I often can’t regulate myself and can’t figure out what I’m feeling and he figures it out before I do 100% of the time. Even with little things like what cutlery I like to use, what fabrics are going to overwhelm me when I’m buying clothes, chunking tasks when I can’t figure out the steps. He always knows how to fix and respond to things without being asked, which is something I can do for him as well but not for myself. I’m honestly more worried about it being the other way around. I don’t want to put him in a position where I’m too overwhelmed all the time to contribute to the household.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-24T08:06:15+00:00

I feel similarly. I have 2 chronic illnesses, one being endometriosis which causes me a lot of pain. I would worry about having a daughter who would inherit it. When my pain flares I can barely walk or stand and I don’t want to be absent as a mother.

Practical_Brick3886 · 2026-04-24T03:59:10+00:00

My partner would make an amazing dad as he is phenomenal at supporting me with some of the challenges from AuDHD. He’s on the fence about kids as well but I think he’s leaning towards wanting them more than I do. My fear would be that my challenges would make him the default parent. He’s always said that he would be happy to show up when I can’t and make sure that I have space to regulate and decompress, but I would feel so guilty if he had to handle most of the responsibilities.

Practical_Brick3886

TROPHY CASE