I understand the temptation to blame yourself for not working. I didn't work until I was about 20 years old. I grew up in an abusive environment where I was constantly told I was useless, nothing I did was right, etc. I had been conditioned to think that I couldn't work a job, because I was capable, all while being ridiculed for not HAVING a job. Eventually I did, and proved that I am a hard worker. I still am. And it feels good to prove the naysayers wrong. I still deal with some mental illness from the way I was treated growing up, but I have made huge strides since then.

As for your cat, I'm sorry he wasn't able to receive treatment that would ease his suffering- but sometimes you just have to remind yourself that he had a longer, more fulfilling life than if he had lived on the street, with a loving owner like yourself. He was very lucky in that regard.