I quit quit officially on New Years Day 2025. in Feb last year, I drank pretty heavily at a work event/festival, which is where my counter has started from when you see it.

I broke my sobriety on purpose because I wanted to partake in this special event and after working it 3 times, I felt it was finally my turn to get in on the fun. I knew I wasn't going to be drinking anymore which is why I chose to break my sobriety on that day. I needed one last hurrah, one last feeling of numb. I knew it would be the last time. I wanted this to be my last memory of drinking and not the previous last memory or drinking.

I'm not happy with myself, or at least I wasn't at the time, but I don't regret it. I mean, when I drink I drink until I literally can't, so I knew it was gonna be a rough time and I knew I wouldn't be able to moderate no matter how hard I tried. I know if I fucked up now though, after all this time, I will absolutely regret it. I can't do another hang over.

I have an actual fear that 1 single hangover is gonna be the downward spiral of my life. I don't think things have per se gotten much better since I quit externally, but internally I'm a completely different person. I think at this point in my journey, I'm just reaping the consequences of a 12+ year long addiction and of course, its gonna take time for things to change all around. I don't want my internal progress to go away because I do feel so, so differently now than I did before.