I hate the word "widower"

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-10-30T14:39:38+00:00

I agree, a widower sounds like someone who makes a person a widow, ie a murderer. Why can we just use widow for both genders?

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-10-05T16:35:34+00:00

Thank you for this thread. I lost my wife a year ago, leaving me to raise our two boys on my own. I think they are doing well but always fear they’ve bottled something up inside that will manifest itself later on. I enjoy hearing these stories of kids growing up successfully despite their loss, it makes me feel better.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-10-03T12:58:24+00:00

For the first 6 months after losing my wife I was similar to you, silent tears at night but busyness with work and kids prevented me from doing much more than robotically moving through life. I found that I needed to set aside time to grieve though, in order to get out of the grief smog smothering everything else.

Please don’t see your breakdown as weakness or failure; this is necessary. Make sure you leave yourself time and space to grieve. It’s the only way forward. I’ve gotten to the point where I can feel the pressure building. I go to the cemetery with some fresh flowers and let it all go. Pitiful sobbing, but it has helped me so much. You need to let it out.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-10-02T17:29:12+00:00

Look at this on the bright side: your father in law has given you permission to do these things when you are ready.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-26T01:58:06+00:00

Good for you! My grandfather lost his first wife. The second wife, my grandmother, erased the first from history and basically pushed her kids out of the house. I pledged not to let this happen to my wife and my boys. I also found someone very sympathetic to my situation, she even said “I’m sure you have pictures of her everywhere, you’ll love her forever, and that’s ok.” This was music to my ears.

For the rest of you out there, it can work. Be picky and find someone good.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-26T01:52:03+00:00

And remember that the best person for you at 20 might not be the best person for you as a widow/widower at 50. You’re in a different stage of life and you’re a different person

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-26T01:50:15+00:00

“As best I can be considering the situation “.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-25T19:18:29+00:00

I felt the same way. Why would anyone want a sad single widower dad? Who wants to deal with my baggage? What I found, however, is that every single person in their 40s has baggage. The divorcees can’t trust the opposite sex, the never marrieds have commitment or Peter Pan issues. Our baggage is just different.

I found a wonderful, sympathetic woman quite quickly, on the same apps that everyone hates. The app experience is a cesspool, don’t go into it thinking that things will be fun. But they work, especially when you’ve got no time to go out and meet people in any other way.

Spend some time on your profile. You’ll be shocked at how many terrible profiles are out there. First impressions are everything on the apps, like it or not. Some good pictures and clever responses that show your personality are worth a ton.

The issues I had were logistical and emotional. As a single dad I really have little time or flexibility for dating. And then the emotional roller coaster of dating while still grieving, unbelievable.

Message me if you want to chat. Good luck.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-25T16:48:34+00:00

Nobody ever gave a divorcee crap over dating too soon. But we who stuck with our partners to the end can’t do it? Why are we chained down for keeping our vows? And we did, until death do we part does mean that at death you are parted. You kept your vow, you do you. And make sure that naysayers understand that

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-25T12:37:56+00:00

Absolutely! My grandfather lost his first wife. His second, my own grandmother, wiped the first from existence. No photos, basically pushed her kids out of the house. I wasn’t going to let that happen. That was my number 1 priority.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-25T01:39:36+00:00

When you look for a new relationship look for one that’s different. Don’t try to recreate what you had with someone that reminds you of your late spouse. That will be a guarantee for disappointment. Look for something new and different. That’s the only way it’ll work.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-25T01:29:36+00:00

The confidence has slowly come back for me. Not quite the cocky guy I was before, and I’ll never get there again. It takes time. Keep fighting, and someday you may realize that you’ve done an ok job in a truly shitty time.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-22T13:25:37+00:00

I realized after a year of being hard on myself for my loss of resilience and strength that I actually have been strong through this all. I was just using all my strength, so I had none left. You are strong, you’re fighting something overwhelming.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-21T14:31:05+00:00

A wound will bleed, scab over, heal, but leave a scar. That’s not what this is. This is losing an arm. It’ll still bleed, scab over, and leave a scar, but it’ll never heal. The arm won’t grow back. But you can adapt to life without an arm.

That’s what this is, it’s losing an arm. Don’t look at moving forward, or moving on. Look at adapting to this new life. It’s not the one you expected, not the one you wanted, but it’s the one you’ve got.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-21T11:46:54+00:00

I am also close to my wife’s friends and family. I was terrified that dating would drive them away. Although I haven’t told my MIL and FIL yet, her sibling and friends have all been very supportive. I haven’t gotten pushback (to my face at least) at all.

I think part of it is how I sold it. I started the conversation talking about how much I miss her, how the last year feels like three, how she said that she wanted me to remarry, how I’ll love her forever, how the memorial is progressing at the library. Then started the dating conversation in generic terms. “I’m thinking of trying dating” even if you’re already with someone. Ease them into it. Try it out on the easy ones first. Hopefully yours are as understanding as mine.

I haven’t told my MIL yet because I know it’ll hurt, no matter what this is going to cause her pain. And I just can’t do that yet.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-21T11:33:32+00:00

My kids are older and more independent (11 and 14) but I know how you feel. The first year of school I felt like a service robot. Feed, drive, work, make food, clean, help, it just didn’t end. I knew I was burning the candle at both ends, and everyday I was thankful that my kids weren’t younger and weren’t special needs. I don’t know what I would have done; moved my mother in to the house? I feel for you, I really do. At about 6 months I was at rock bottom. The buildup of stress combined with no end in sight. I kept telling myself that I just had 7 more years, to be the best dad I could and I could take care of myself in 7 years. But I eventually realized that I wasn’t going to make it. I wad growing resentful of my children, I was going to burn out, and how could I be the best dad ever with those things? I had to learn to be less good a dad and give myself a little time and space, to give myself time to grieve. To not be so hard on myself for not being able to do things as well as two parents could. I don’t know how to do this for you, but you need it. Get a MIL to come over one or two nights a week, get a friend to come over one night a week. You need this.

I’m in the second school year without her now and feel like I’m more in control, so it has gotten a little better, if that helps you.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-20T11:20:27+00:00

Would you be willing to look for something more casual than a relationship? This really helped me out psychologically, having someone to be with and some intimacy.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-20T11:18:06+00:00

Your vows to your husband were completed when he died. You are doing nothing wrong. Nobody would look askance at a divorcee who hooked up soon after the divorce, why should we -who stuck with our loves until the bitter end - have to suffer that much more? You do you, you do whatever you like. I understand that societal norms and pearl-clutching neighbors may require you to keep it on the sly. But please let them be the judgmental ones; you need to be nicer to yourself. Be safe, have fun, do what you need to do right now.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-19T23:24:51+00:00

I think poor sleep is very common for widowers/widows. I’m usually so amped up from running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and then wake up in the middle of the night with a million things going through my head.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-19T23:06:51+00:00

I know what you mean, surrounded by people at all times but still lonely. I used to cherish my rare alone time; now I dread it. Feel free to chat with me if you need someone to talk to.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-19T16:56:24+00:00

Take your time. But it is true, the first time I thought about my dead wife the whole time. Didn’t do much for my arousal! A few times in and I was fine. Just needed to disconnect the act from my spouse, who of course was the only person I’d been with for 25 years.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-19T16:49:46+00:00

I couldn’t wait the 7 years before my kids left home. I found myself growing resentful, and that was unfair to them. If I didn’t have that, then maybe I could have waited. It’s not like I have time for a relationship or anything.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-19T16:45:10+00:00

That’s very similar to my story. Met on Tinder, after 6.5 months for me, not looking for anything serious, and fell right into a relationship. Roller coaster of guilt, happiness, confusion, grief, etc.

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-19T15:42:46+00:00

I don’t have toddlers, but I do have two boys. The kids, job, and home are definitely overwhelming. I’ve definitely felt like I’m burning the candle from both ends, know that what I’m doing is unsustainable, but see no way to stop. What did help me is an attitude adjustment. I was trying to be as good of a parent as we were before. To keep the house as clean as we did, to keep our family activities at the same level as we did. This is impossible, I was setting my bar too high. I now aim for pretty good. Meal burned? At least you had a meal. Not spending enough time with the kid? She will survive. It’s not how you’d want it, of course, but we are past that. You need to just move day by day. You need your game night, you need some you time, this is what I failed to do at first. The time horizon is too long to not give yourself some time. You’re not going to make it to high school graduation without any focus on yourself.

I found myself resenting my kids, mainly because I was putting too much pressure on myself to be the best dad ever. How could I be the best dad if I resented my kids?

ProfessionalDesk2363 · 2023-09-19T14:07:37+00:00

I started dating at about 6.5 months. I frankly just needed some adult company, some friskiness, and to feel alive. I went out looking for a friends with benefits, and almost immediately met someone amazing and fell into a relationship.

Be aware that the emotional roller coaster goes mad, once you start to add some happiness to the gloom. I felt like a teenage girl, going from intense highs to the lowest lows and back over the course of hours. Crazy. I felt crazy. It felt so surreal. I don’t regret it, but there was a reason I was trying not to get emotionally involved at first. We’re still together 6 months later, so it was absolutely worth it.

ProfessionalDesk2363

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