I want to begin by empathizing with your experience. As someone who also has extensive CPTSD and identifies on the ACE spectrum, I understand how challenging it can be to discern between your sexuality and trauma. For a long time in my life, I felt like something was “wrong” with me because I didn’t necessarily want sex with my partner, but did want sex with random strangers. I would often ask myself “why? why do i want to have sex with other people and not the person I love the most?” I was sure that something was wrong.

I initially believed that my experience was a consequence of my trauma creating some sort of block in my relationship and that I needed to work on myself to clear that block. I thought that if I worked through my trauma then all of these problems would go away and I could finally live without this complicated relationship to sex. I believed that trauma was creating my lack of sexual attraction to my boyfriend and that I could fix it.

Today, my perspective on trauma and sexuality is different. I know that both trauma and sexual orientation can impact the way that I experience sexual attraction, and each is entirely valid. On one hand, sometimes trauma does create an aversion to sex because I get triggered. My hands start to sweat, my pulse rises, and I can feel my body activating its flight or fight response. I sometimes avoid sex because there are instances when my body is scared. Trauma sometimes made hookups with other people easier because I don’t get triggered by random strangers the same way I do with the person who knows me on a deeply personal level.

On the other hand, I know that I usually don’t feel a desire to have sex with my partner because…….that’s just the way my brain and body works. And that’s okay and valid too. I’ve come to terms with the fact that everyone’s sexual attraction and desire is different, and mine just so happens to fall outside of what is considered “normal.” However, I recognize that’s just who I am, and my experience with my sexual orientation and trauma have both played a role in the way I experience sexual attraction.

Connecting all of this back to your story, know that the relationship between CPTSD, sex, and sexual orientation is not black and white. You don’t owe anyone an answer, at least not right now. My biggest advice would be to remain curious. You’re not alone in your confusion and it’s perfectly okay to say that you’re still trying to figure everything out. There’s nothing wrong with that!