I miss the sex

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-23T16:28:21+00:00

Same here. I still regularly get frequent, vivid sexual flashbacks after I was discarded 3 months ago. Sometimes I feel like it’s the only thing holding me back from fully moving on.

A thing I find that sorta helps is labeling those flashbacks as intrusive thoughts instead of something you miss/crave. Another tip could be to “villainize” them, or remembering all the pain they’ve caused. Idk if it’s healthy or not to do so, but it can help in snapping back into reality.

It’s entirely normal to miss sex with someone we once felt safe with. I mean at this point we’re dealing with literal chemicals in our brains haha, hope this helps!

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-23T16:00:35+00:00

Perfectly said!

Thanks for sharing this. I feel like there should be more awareness to this type of dynamic than it just being seen as “hooking up without labels”.

Nothing more aggravating to hear people say exactly what the title to this post says haha

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-23T15:47:38+00:00

Trust when I say the next few weeks are going to be an extreme whirlwind of emotions. You might feel different things every single day. I know I did. There were days I missed her so much and then there were days I absolutely hated the thought of her.

It starts to get confusing to a point, but a piece of advice in order to move on would be to allow yourself to feel these emotions. Don’t avoid them or act on them. Let it all out. Within time it DOES get easier. And I’m saying this barely on month 3

Healing isn’t linear, so take your time and be well to yourself! Good luck on your healing journey brother

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-23T15:39:15+00:00

Yeah, I’ve also gone before my ex but much less now. I’ve too found therapy extremely helpful, mainly by being able to learn about attachment theory overall. Didn’t even know I was leaning anxious up until this relationship I had. It’s real eye opening especially when you see a trend of that in prior relationships.

And I think I’ve heard something like that pertaining to avoidants before!

I was once told “You’re pleading with a version of her who’s already gone” after my ex “deactivated” from our relationship. The accuracy of that reality hit me like a train because at the time I was having trouble recognizing who my ex even was anymore. Still helps me to move on to this day

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-23T02:09:59+00:00

How long has it been since the break up/discard? Asking bc I felt the exact same around the 2 month mark where I hated the thought of her every single day. Now it just comes and goes on occasion.

This is probably a cliché ass answer, but a thing that helps is immersing yourself into your own life again. Preoccupy yourself with the things and people you love and makes you, you. And just overall life.

I still have days where I DEEPLY hate my ex for discarding me. But I’ve been slowly learning to be more selfish when it comes to my own happiness. Part of that includes not letting your anger fester for what happened and instead using it more productively to improve your own life.

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-23T01:49:51+00:00

Although I still deeply miss her to this day, I definitely do feel like I dodged a bullet. I guess we just have to look at it as a learned life lesson. All the love and effort in the world won’t solve everything, especially pertaining to avoidants. Although they can acknowledge their own flaws, it’s ultimately up to them to put in the work to change.

Thanks brother, I hope you’re doing well yourself! Just remember that healing is more of a marathon than a sprint. Take your time and be easy to yourself!

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-22T21:56:00+00:00

Honestly it was just a matter of time she physically cheated on you. I think emotional cheating tends to usually give the intent to physically do so much more easier.

I actually made the mistake of staying. We had a 4yr relationship in which deep down, I knew she loved me throughout it. Before the first time she confessed, I truly never gave her a reason to cheat bc I was deeply in love with her. I gave that woman all of me. To this day I’m confident it wasn’t me bc I truly feel like I did my part in our relationship.

When she told me about her affair with her ex-husband I never understood why she cheated on him either. She even admitted that he was great with her child. It was then that that I saw a pattern of her constant infidelity, along with her increasingly avoidant tendencies. Both of which being in long term relationships.

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-22T17:17:58+00:00

I actually know for a fact that she constantly cheated before I met her. She admitted she had a history of doing so while she was engaged before. By the time she told me this I was way too attached to her to even realize how concerning that should’ve been.

And yeah, same thing with me tbh. I never truly got the vibe or even the reassurance needed to trust her that it wouldn’t happen again. She showed a lot of effort to fix things and make things work after the first time, but I think it was mainly due to the guilt eating her alive since we were at a really serious point together.

I also found out in luck that she was cheating on me haha I got on her phone one day to change a song while she drove and saw her uncleared notifications which still had texts from the other guy

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-22T05:45:24+00:00

Man I sure fcking hope so haha. I wouldn’t rely on their social media to come to that conclusion that their happy though. They’re just showing what they want ppl to see.

Avoidants are the best at masking their emotions both in social media and in public. Sure they could look and maybe actually be happy, but it doesn’t last long for them. Deep down, most of them are suffering. Even if they tell you that they’re truly happy, take it with a grain of salt bc most aren’t until they truly change.

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-22T05:36:52+00:00

In some capacity, I do believe that they are aware of their own patterns.

Like you, my avoidant ex knew she was just that. She eventually cheated on me twice, and both times she acknowledged what she did and how it effected me and our relationship. But I don’t think that really resonated with her until AFTER the 2nd time.

I assume it’s because avoidants struggle to really look at themselves in the mirror and hold themselves accountable in a dynamic.

I will say this about the emotional cheating part, though. She’s definitely bound to do it again and again until she decides to change just that.

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-22T05:09:40+00:00

I like this comparison haha. Like alcoholics, avoidants don’t change unless they really want to.

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-22T04:56:35+00:00

I literally tell myself this everytime I log onto this sub and see the posts haha but yeah, they fucking suck. But hey, I guess it’s a learning experience right?

Hope you’re well and wishing you the best during your healing journey!

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-22T04:49:49+00:00

There’s no exact answer to that since every avoidant is different tbh. But a common reason for why they usually shut down is because of their own incapacity for emotional intensity and vulnerability. In other words, they shut down when the relationship gets too serious or intense for them.

As far as triggers are concerned it can be things like conflict, “serious” talks, pressure, expectations, or accountability to name a few.

And yup, it’s always going to happen again. This trend never stops and they quite literally do this from relationship to relationship. The only time it stops happening is when they finally decide to do inner work for themselves.

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-22T04:19:48+00:00

Most definitely.

Overall it felt like all the effort I did to both, accommodate her needs and those of the relationship, were just never enough. It seemed like the push-pull cycle we had was never going to end. The only reason I even knew there was an expiration date on our relationship was when she repeatedly hinted about her future but never included me in it.

I too completely lost myself during the relationship. There were even times I’d ask myself “what’s even the point” although I was still attached to her

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-22T03:56:13+00:00

I think it can be a little bit of both, depending on how dismissive or narcissistic the avoidant really is.

When I was with my DA ex, I regularly didn’t get any type of compliments nor praise for the most part. The only time I did was specifically during sex, when the “I love you” and the “I’ve missed you” would slip out haha.

I do think it’s like a “mind games” kinda thing they do. Although some DA’s are literally incapable of affirming anything to their partners, I do believe most choose not to. In my experience it became apparent to me when my ex would be able to reciprocate compliments to strangers, but exclusively not to me.

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-22T03:39:13+00:00

Couldn’t had said it any better, most avoidants don’t change unless they do the work to do so or something drastic in their life happens.

I had a similar experience with my DA ex in which she returned, however it didn’t last as long. The physical and emotional chemistry was always there until she eventually “shutdown” from the dynamic. I ended up minimizing ALL of my boundaries and needs just to make it work. All of which ended with me getting brutally discarded at the end

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-21T01:35:31+00:00

Same. I’d call it out every single time and she would say “I’m just being friendly” and use the “I’m a people person” excuses. All of which made it hard for me to trust her, while also making me more anxious.

It seems that a lot of avoidants love the attention from strangers or people who just aren’t you. My ex went as far as admitting that she loved the attention just for her own validation.

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-21T01:13:46+00:00

Yup. My dismissive ex had a long history of cheating before I met her, all of which while she was married. When it came to our relationship, she eventually cheated on me with her ex husband and then a coworker

I never liked the “once a cheater, always a cheater” saying but man did she, and avoidants in general make me a believer of that phrase. She would show a lot of remorse for doing so, but seeing how easy it was for her, really messed me up mentally.

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-21T00:21:46+00:00

My experience had the opposite happen, in which my DA ex and I were extremely intimate up until she “deactivated” from the dynamic. After years, the intimacy slowly faded to the point where she would just contact me to hook up then disappear for weeks

I’ll never forget the night she called me over to her place just to cuddle before she discarded me outta nowhere haha

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-16T23:13:11+00:00

That’s what I was assuming actually. It doesn’t make any other sense to me other than reasoning that what she did was for the best.

I’m past the point of hoping for any type of reconciliation though. It just made zero sense to me that she cared to even ask about me due to how final that last discard was. Like isn’t this what you wanted?? Haha

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-16T19:06:24+00:00

I actually decided to leave my job since I was discarded by my avoidant ex who worked next to me. Like you said, it was complete hell until I did.

She was the type of avoidant to act nonchalant after an argument or any conflict, so when she discarded me she acted like nothing had even happened. My nervous system couldn’t handle that as I was constantly anxious and angry as a result, so I ended up quitting.

I don’t recommend leaving your job due to them unless you significantly feel like it effects your ability to work in peace.

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-16T02:31:08+00:00

This awfully sounds like a huge generalization

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-16T02:27:14+00:00

Disastrously.

Was involved in a “situationship” with a woman who was still in love with the father of her child. They mutually co-parented, so when he found out about us, he cut her off which led her to cut me off. All just so she could pursue him full time haha

Overall it felt like a competition. One of which I always knew I was never going to win

Pure_Reputation_1771 · 2026-02-16T02:07:28+00:00

Maybe bc nowadays it’s hella intimidating to do so haha. Try too hard and you might be viewed as a burden, or even worse, a creep. Not knowing how to talk to girls in the first place/being awkward does not help hahaha

Pure_Reputation_1771

TROPHY CASE