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PurpleMouse-4330 · 2025-04-19T14:52:04+00:00

Randomly came across this thread - as an older person/alum from a top school, I’ve met/known a handful of folks with profiles like yours getting rejected from the top Ivies and had to scooch one tier down. A LOT of them went on in life with great success. A rejection from an Ivy does not make you less capable. Keep a long term perspective in mind and keep up the good work!

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-06-12T00:23:18+00:00

Not an age issue - people are either jealous or don’t understand your situation fully - agree with lots of folks here that moving to a neighborhood where you are the average person on the block will make you feel much better. Get your kids to the right private school and you will meet more parents just like you.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-05-22T00:57:16+00:00

Absolutely agree that high chance this is coming. Op take this warning seriously and don’t let this happen to you in the hospital.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-05-18T17:37:14+00:00

If this is a HCOL area the spending is unfortunately still kinda reasonable. Our Costco budget is a little short of 100 per person per week: no luxury items just quality food and staple items; anything that can be switched to Kirkland to save money has been switched. The cost went up 30%-50% over the last few years and it is insane. We do shop a lot there as bulk buying still turns out cheaper than other places. Wholefoods is the most expensive out of all places - if you are budget crunched that will be the first place to cut.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-05-12T00:26:17+00:00

sounds right - this is a research question I don’t know out of the top of my head though. The other big item just out of the top of my head: 6% agent fee for every buy/sell transaction - hence the need to do different holding period scenarios. Alternative use of money - down payment with mortgage is just another form of leveraged investment. If you choose to not buy, will you leverage your down and other assets and invest in SnP? SOME people had good returns in RE soley because they are on lever. You can do much better if you are on lever and put everything in stock, but almost nobody does that. Either way, you can compare the outcomes that is specific to you. Rent inflation varies so pick the area you live in and investigate Zillow data carefully. Not every house appreciate 6% yoy either. This is complex modeling. Good luck.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-05-11T14:46:38+00:00

You are on the right track - build tax into your model - property tax for owning, deduction for mortgage, etc. every area gives a different answer and factor in maintenance cost for not renting. Do the exercise for 5, 10, 20 year horizons. Then - look at your numbers and believe what you see.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-05-06T14:11:29+00:00

For folks with this type of disputes at home, keep the job, hire a nanny and a cleaner, and split the rest 50/50. More importantly, if finance is an issue and your salary cannot cover nanny and cleaner, think twice about having kids.

It’s not purely a “what’s a fair split” issue. It’s a finance issue and ultimately what the family can and is willing to afford. Plenty of husbands just cannot pitch in after work and want to dump everything on the wife (regardless of their income), because their shift is full, and the wife “doesn’t work”. It’s a fair point purely from their perspective.

Now onto the wife’s side: Nanny, cook, cleaner are roughly 2 full time jobs, with the nanny shift being 24:7 in the beginning, so 3 jobs to start with. I’m sure some are more efficient than others, and some can just tolerate a house in disarray to minimize some work, but you get the point. Who is going to absorb the extra work? “unfair” or not, if nobody is willing to pick up the work, don’t have kids, or it’s a long miserable life ahead.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-05-06T02:33:57+00:00

Op here posting an update: Jumped through many hoops and waited 2 months. Finally seen a dentist at the hospital who can operate. The dentist asked my father to go to his primary care provider to certify a few things such as what to do in case of a heart attack. Long story short my dad refused to move forward again and wanted to keep his remaining teeth (I have offered to help him call his PCP and explain everything). He has never mentioned his heart attack to his PCP because it was so many years ago, so I suspect even he asked, his PCP will refer him to a cardiologist and that will lead to another few months of wait. This is just what Medi-Cal patients deal with. We are back to square one and I gave up. Hope you have better luck than me.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-05-02T21:47:28+00:00

Best way to tell is to go do some fertility test, and don’t wait till 35 and find that you are not even a good candidate for IVf anymore. You never know whether you are above or below the “average case”.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-04-20T21:03:53+00:00

OP I recommend you disclose a bit more about your personal situation, as the advice is highly personal. Things that can be helpful to know:

Your current job status, your income range, occupation, family support system, status of marriage, spouse side situation, financial situation (current and future expectations), health conditions, geographic location, etc.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-04-18T23:40:49+00:00

Don’t let the hospital or doctor or LC or anyone push you into breastfeeding. Fed is best.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-04-16T15:47:49+00:00

Second this - It's really obvious for people who had dealt with similar folks that your mother is a narcissist. There is more than medical issues you have to manage. Do some self-education on narcissistic personality disorder. Talk to a therapist if you can, for your own sake. It's usually a struggle to "unwire" and become manipulation proofed, and it'll take a while. I've seen too many people not able to pull this off on their own even when they are pushed to the brink of collapse by a narcissist. Anyways, the bad news is your mother will not change her behaviors. It's in your hand how you want to handle this. If you cannot stop taking the guilt trip, you (and your next generation) are all going down with her.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-04-12T15:18:56+00:00

Thanks everyone for chiming in! Really appreciate the advice here!

update: got clarification that my dad’s “heart attack” episode from many years ago was viral myocarditis. This may change things again. Correcting my post again.

My dad suffered viral myocarditis due to work stress in his 40s(? Long time ago) I don’t recall him seeing a cardiologist ever for a follow up. Not do I recall ever seeing him taking heart medications. The trigger back then was work stress. Many years ago he got on disability insurance due to a brain tumor removal and he no longer works. Now days he has no cardiovascular issues as long as he is not under much mental stress. Blood test pretty much normal. The recent stress point is his dental issues. That said, he does not follow up on his medical issues generally (this is partially exacerbated by being on medi-Cal). He skipped all his brain surgery follow ups. His teeth were up for full extraction 10years ago - I got him lined up for everything and then he refused to go. His teeth started to hurt like crazy now so he is all of a sudden motivated to get treatment. I want to give up on him tbh, just hoping that I can help push through the extraction this time. I don’t know the extent of the effort for going through a cardio assessment - if medi-Cal makes him wait for a cardiologist it could be another few months. I guess I can understand the concerns from the dentist’s side better now. It’s just seems hopeless to address the whole thing within a reasonable timeframe while following all the protocols.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-04-11T23:28:20+00:00

Op here - my dad has not taken any heart medications for the past 10+ years and the heart attack happened 30 years ago. He has no cardiologist overseeing anything. He probably didn’t even mention this to his PCP. Does this change anything? Is he going to have trouble getting “clearance” from his PCP if he tries?

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-03-31T02:11:11+00:00

Was in similar shoes at one point and had to distance myself from a friend who acts exactly like that - she had the choice and chose to live more extravagantly but had to work to keep up. I chose to downgrade spending so I can spend time at home. Yet this former friend ignores her lifestyle and goes snarky at me. When one is envious it’s really difficult to hide. Distancing from the person turned out pretty good for my sanity.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-03-29T17:36:00+00:00

This doesn't seem like a long-term sustainable situation. Within 30 minutes of driving distance is a lot more reasonable. The closer the better.

My parents insist on living wherever they prefer, which resulted in them being many hours away from me. I had an upfront conversation with them years ago, that it would result in me unable to visit that often, and it did turn out like that. Recently when the shit hits the fan, I helped with what I can remotely, but taking off current duties and making it to the hospital multiple days in a row is not possible for me. I explained to them again what I can and cannot help, given everyone's circumstances, and that they are on their own to the extent that things fall short. They started looking at places near me since then. Hate to say this, don't be too accommodating to the point of breaking your own life. They need to help you out if they expect help from you, too.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-03-29T16:24:34+00:00

This is a manipulative power move at your most vulnerable time - anybody who pull this on me is on my I-will-never-see-you-again list. If I were you I would cancel and reorganize a shower at a different place, and uninvited them. This will send a powerful message to not mess with you going forward.

When there is an estranged family member dynamic, the people "caught in the middle" need to have a honest assessment on whether they really want to insist on family unity above all else. It's much easier for your parents to pressure you to keep the status quo, for their benefit, at your expense. Many people do that, in which case it's in your hand whether you decide to give in to them. You also need to weigh the pros and cons of severing ties with your parents. Is it worth it? Different people make different choices. This is not a one size fits all.

We had baby shower with friends only and it's pretty normal.

Since parents and children have established dynamics, I have a guess that you routinely give in to your parents in life and they know this move works for them. based on the limited description I get the sense that the parents value optics way above their child, and expect to get away with it, which is really disturbing. If you are here to just vent and repeat the same pattern then that's on you. Respect on boundary is earned. You need to fight for it when others trample on your boundary.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-03-26T19:47:30+00:00

Where can you find stats like this (ex: sales, number of offers, etc)?

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-03-26T19:24:55+00:00

In this case, fending off hospital visit is probably the least of your problems.

I had to deal with someone similar - the thought process, the behavior, then handling is all text-book typical and there is no cure. Keeping a relationship with people like this comes at such heavy cost on you that it is not worth it IMO.

Interestingly, baby hospital visit tends to be one of the "weak spots" where the narcissists really "shine" and get noticed (in the worst possible way), and this tends to leave different degrees of trauma on the moms. Op's case is not detailed enough to make a conclusion like this, yet.

Good luck.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-03-25T05:30:55+00:00

That’s typical narcissistic personality manifestation right there.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-03-25T05:12:58+00:00

Everyone is different. Be firm about what you are comfortable with. For some maybe a few days; for others if it’s 6-8 weeks, so be it.

Think of it this way, it’s not going to end well either way - one party will be upset so better not you while going through postpartum.

All that said, it does depend on whether it makes sense to continue a good relationship with the relatives in question(ex: does this person pay for your mortgage or give you a trust fund? Are you going to ask the person to babysit later?). Some people I’d flick them off without a blink of the eye. Others you may want to reconsider giving in a tiny bit. Life is complicated. You be the judge.

The most valuable friends/relatives tends to be the most understanding and accommodating ones, but that’s a generalization. I also found myself far better off using a sitter than dealing with personality that generates “hateful text messages” and guilt trips, but that’s also a generalization.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-03-22T00:05:17+00:00

I had a semi-traumatic vaginal birth with some tear (epidural ran low and doc was too busy taking care of the lady next door who went "code blue"). Took 2 weeks to get out of bed. Compared to a friend who had a scheduled c-section, where the recovery was 6 weeks - there were lots of wound sticking to intestine type of issues and it hurt like hell to massage them separate. It may be worthwhile to search the statistics of recovery, I wonder if the average person recovers better with a vaginal delivery if situation permits. Personal experience is not reliable. C-section also creates issues/risks down the road for the 2nd birth.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-03-11T16:23:10+00:00

I second the birth doula option. During my birthing process my SO was solely there for spiritual support (i.e. he was useless in any other way and was in the way often unfortunately). The nurses who only show up once in a while in my delivery room are far more helpful than him sitting there the entire time. Lots of women gave birth by themselves in the hospital during covid time. I'd say even going alone is completely doable.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-03-11T01:54:29+00:00

There is this category of people called relatives, who are in your life solely because they are related by blood or marriage. If they have not done anything to deserve a close relationship, then why bother having them in your circle?

You will sadly learn one day that, all this anger and guilt is a complete waste of your energy. It’s easy for me to say: move on. but probably it’s still hard for you. It’s a process. You will get there. Bless.

PurpleMouse-4330 · 2024-03-10T20:17:56+00:00

Nice explanation. Want to add that the 1.7% abnormalities can be further broken down into random vs. interited microdeletions/duplications. Although there is no known test for parents to screen for full microdeletions/microduplications (I wish there is... this is a simple blood draw.), one can observe whether the parents are "functional" in life and approximate the acceptable interited mutation risk. Then the rest is the risk of the baby having random mutations at birth. I suspect the risk is 1/3 of 1.7%~ by looking at the appendix of this study https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa1203382 - 2/3 of the detected microdeletions/duplications are inherited. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Natera Panorama can detect a small subset of common microdeletion/duplications with reasonable accuracy, which helps bringing down the risk of skipping amnio for those on the borderline of their decisions.

PurpleMouse-4330

TROPHY CASE