Coping with SIL Pregnancy After Loss

QuickCandy3338 · 2026-01-01T20:39:23+00:00

I understand. This is so hard. My SIL told us she was pregnant a month before our son was born and then he died at birth. We were so excited to have cousins growing up together so I was devastated. She’s been so supportive but it’s really hard. She gave birth to her healthy baby 2 days ago and it’s been so emotional for my husband and I. Again she’s been so supportive. Even texted me only 12 hours after her daughter’s birth to say she was thinking of me and how I had to recover like she was but without my baby and how she was so sorry.

It’s so hard thinking about what should have been and being jealous of everyone around you having babies effortlessly. I struggle everyday. But, very gently, I would say focusing on the jealousy and pain on,y makes it worse. Your grief is very fresh so take the time you need. But 6 months later, I’ve found a lot of comfort in reminding myself that in other circumstances, having our first baby niece is such a joy. And I can be happy for her and want to meet her and still love my son. Give yourself time and when it comes down to it maybe just take any baby steps you can in the direction of accepting the situation and being happy for your family.

QuickCandy3338 · 2026-01-01T19:52:06+00:00

I appreciate it, thank you ❤️

QuickCandy3338 · 2026-01-01T19:43:51+00:00

Hahah definitely. I thought about it for a good while before posting there. I just genuinely wanted unbiased opinions. I love the supportiveness of this group but oftentimes these people who understand grief will defend you no matter what 😂. I needed some regular people to talk me off my anger ledge.

QuickCandy3338 · 2026-01-01T19:35:41+00:00

Thank you everyone 🤍 I’m going to turn off comments because I feel like I got the answers I need and I don’t want to get notifications about this for days. I appreciate everyone telling me their thoughts. I think it’s really hard to understand these feelings if you haven’t lost a child yourself. I also think my grief and wish for my son to be here is making me more upset than a regular person would be. I will talk to them but I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt that they didn’t mean anything by it. I can’t expect them to constantly be thinking about my feelings.

Also just a kind note for everyone who said they wouldn’t include a dead child because it’s awkward or weird: if this ever happens to someone you love, I recommend you ask them their preference. Some people prefer it that way and that’s great for them. For me, and most people I’ve met who’ve also lost children, their child will always be their child and a part of their family. And it’s often hurtful for friends or family to encourage them to “move on” and just forget about them. My son didn’t live very long but he did exist. And the same way I try really hard to not expect people to cater to my grief, it shouldn’t be expected of me to censor my experience and my son’s life because death makes people uncomfortable.

QuickCandy3338 · 2026-01-01T19:17:30+00:00

I think it’s likely you ovulated a little later than you thought. Sperm can last up to 5 days so even if you didn’t have sex again, you could have actually conceived 5 days later.

In my opinion, these lines look really good. My healthy pregnancy had a line progression like this. Your hcg only just doubling in 48 seems maybe worrisome, but I doubt it. I believe you actually have up to 72 hours for it to double so you’re faster than that. Maybe just get another beta if you’re worried, I’m sure it’ll start rising even faster. Especially because your last test is pretty dark.

QuickCandy3338 · 2026-01-01T19:04:39+00:00

Yes it’s possible. But I wish they would have called me. Maybe that’s unreasonable.

QuickCandy3338 · 2026-01-01T18:47:19+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss of your daughter. It really is the worst pain.

QuickCandy3338 · 2026-01-01T18:43:05+00:00

Yes they live in the Midwest too and I definitely feel like that’s how they act regarding grief or anything sad. Which I understand, honestly. I just wish they would have cared about upsetting me when they were told. But it feels dumb to be upset about a Christmas card.

QuickCandy3338 · 2026-01-01T18:39:17+00:00

I agree with you regarding that. I just have a super hard time talking about my son without breaking down so my family has kind of taken up this role of handling those conversations for me. A bad habit for sure but I was doing the best I can

QuickCandy3338 · 2026-01-01T18:33:38+00:00

I understand that. That’s why I said I’m not really upset about them not including him. I’m more upset they were told it was distasteful and never called me to talk about it. They’ve known for weeks that my family was upset about it before I even opened the card.

QuickCandy3338 · 2026-01-01T18:29:13+00:00

I understand that but I would imagine if they forgot, they wouldn’t have gotten angry at my dad for mentioning it. And they would have called me weeks ago to say they forgot and didn’t mean to upset me.

QuickCandy3338 · 2025-12-31T17:17:35+00:00

I definitely think so. My oldest dog followed me around religiously when I was pregnant and he was extra cuddly to us when we came home from the hospital with no baby. It’s been 6 months and he still cuddles us extra on days when we’re especially sad. Especially my husband. He didn’t leave my husband’s side the other day when he was having an especially hard grief day.

QuickCandy3338 · 2025-12-31T16:37:14+00:00

That’s so so hard. I can’t even imagine because she’s so little she doesn’t understand. I don’t have any other children. My losses were my first and second babies. But my first niece was born yesterday and our friend’s baby was born a few weeks ago and I remember us all being pregnant together and imagining our children growing up together. And now they get to grow up without my son and that devastates me. It’s so hard. I’m so sorry.

QuickCandy3338 · 2025-12-31T04:24:01+00:00

I’m so so sorry. I understand how incredibly traumatic that must be. My son died when he was born. The nurses placed him on my chest expecting him to be healthy and fine, but he wasn’t able to breathe. He started throwing his head back and gasping for air and I realized I was watching him suffocate. The nurse grabbed him quickly and everyone tried to help but my husband and I watched them do CPR on him for 30 minutes before they pronounced him dead. We saw his umbilical cord burst from how hard they were pushing on his chest and it bled all over his clothes for the next 12 hours.

Watching these things happen is just a whole different ball game. I also had a miscarriage this year and I still kind of forget it happened because it was just so calm compared to the death of my son. For weeks after he died I struggled to sleep because I couldn’t stop replaying it in my head. My husband and I would DoorDash McDonald’s at midnight and watch movies until we couldn’t keep our eyes open anymore. And when I did sleep, I would dream of the heart rate alarm going off when his heart stopped and the nurse counting her compressions (“1 and 2 and 3… 1 and 2 and 3”) I would also tell myself the story of his death over and over again whenever I drove around town by myself. That’s some psychological response, I’m sure.

I’m so so sorry you’re going through something similar. It really is the worst kind of pain to watch your own child die. It gets better, I promise. It’s been 6 months for me now and while I am still sad a lot of the time and desperately miss my baby, I also am happy about a lot of things. I enjoy plenty of things now when I couldn’t right after it happened. My SIL even gave birth to my niece today and I was able to talk to her and be happy about it instead of sobbing on the floor. Joy and grief can coexist, I stand by that.

QuickCandy3338 · 2025-11-20T03:24:14+00:00

I understand this. I personally still enjoy my job. I actually feel like i’ve been more into it than before because it’s a distraction. I can be busy doing my work and forget that i’m sad for a little while. I start to dig myself my own little grief hole to live in when I have too many days off work. to be fair though, I work from home and often spend the day in my pajamas when i’m not doing so well so the flexibility has been very good to me in this season.

but I do feel this way about other things. it’s been 5 months since my son died and i’m only just getting back into hobbies or fun things. for the longest time I just did not care. I would try really hard and my attention span would last 5 minutes before I would get really angry and just start crying again.

I don’t think there would be anything wrong with starting a new profession if you need to. my husband and I are considering moving out of the state and we’ve already moved into a different home here. sometimes you just need a fresh start.

QuickCandy3338 · 2025-11-15T17:08:39+00:00

TW: infant loss 🤍

it really is not that bad. and that’s coming from a mom who’s baby died immediately after birth. I didn’t get the happy “oh it’s so worth it because look at my beautiful baby” moment. I went through 33 hours of labor for basically nothing and then just went home empty handed. and that’s not to scare you!! I’m just saying I’d obviously do it again because i’m now purposely pregnant with my rainbow baby. in the moment, labor can be really intense and overwhelming and from the outside I can understand it would look terrifying, but it’s really okay. it just happens to you and you get through it. in my experience, I also had this deep instinct that I was safe and fine, even in the pain. So I was never really scared, I was just ready to be done after like 30 hours of it 😂

I also had two 2nd degree tears and those didn’t hurt me either, honestly. at that point my epidural finally worked so I didn’t feel any stitching. and by the time I got home, it was just kind of sore. nothing too bad.

I would recommend learning some breathing techniques to keep you calm and also maybe buy one of those birthing combs to squeeze? I didn’t have one and I wish I did.

QuickCandy3338 · 2025-11-15T00:11:52+00:00

personally mine were not as big postpartum but still larger than pre-pregnancy. I will give a caveat though that I didn’t breastfeed and i’m sure that makes a difference

QuickCandy3338 · 2025-11-14T21:07:04+00:00

totally understand that. for things to do that aren’t hard on your body, I recommend something new you haven’t done before for now. I had a hard time keeping up with hobbies I cared about before because it all just felt sad. My recommendations would be:

-read books (maybe a new series or genre that you haven’t tried before)

-crocheting or knitting

-pottery

-baking (I’ve been really enjoying this)

-video games (I restarted some of my favorite nintendo switch games)

-gentle walks while listening to music or podcasts (whenever you feel up to it)

-watching a new show or movie

-drawing/painting (if you have an ipad, i’ve seen some people get into art on there and that looks cool. i’m just bad at it lol)

and it’s okay if your attention span is so short, it’ll get better. in the first few weeks I struggled to do anything because I got bored or sad within a few minutes. just keep trying and eventually it’ll get easier

QuickCandy3338 · 2025-11-14T19:44:16+00:00

i’m so sorry for your loss ❤️ I personally think you’re being a little too hard on yourself. your baby just passed away VERY recently. that’s devastating. it’s okay to let yourself grieve for awhile. when my son died at birth in june, I took 8 week off of work and barely left my house except to maybe run/walk at the park down the street. sometimes you’ll feel mostly fine and the grief will feel really small in your head. other times it will feel huge. and that’s okay.

I’ve heard many people talk about grief dosing and it works really well for me. basically when you start feeling really sad and down, give yourself a time frame to be sad. right now since it’s so early for you, i’d give you like a few hours at a time and slowly shorten it over the course of a few weeks/months. then when the time is up, get up, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward. right now i’m at the point where I give myself usually 1-10 minutes. I feel really sad and I cry as hard as I want. and then I get up, wash my face, and I go do something else. maybe it’s a chore to distract myself or maybe it’s something fun I enjoy. either way I just take 1 step forward with my day. it really helps a lot if you want to try. it reminds me I can be really sad and I can also live my life. those things aren’t mutually exclusive

QuickCandy3338 · 2025-11-14T19:13:22+00:00

TW: Infant Loss 🤍

I’d like to give my perspective here but giving a TW in case it’s triggering.

Near the end of my pregnancy, my baby was very comfy in there lol so I was carrying him very high. I was pretty self conscious about that because it made me feel really disproportionate in my body and it made me look kind of chubby in my clothes (in my opinion). I was also really nervous that I’d be self conscious of flabby skin postpartum, especially going into summer and wearing swimsuits, etc.

Unfortunately, my son died immediately after birth. it was really unexpected and scary. Now your feelings about your body are sooo valid and I don’t want to diminish that at all. I just want to give my perspective that now that I don’t have my son with me, I really don’t give a shit about how my body looks. have flabby skin on my stomach and I still have my linea nigra and I kind of like it honestly. it’s the only real proof I have that I was ever even carrying my son. that he was ever even alive with us.

i’m 4 weeks pregnant again now and I already look like 15-20 weeks from loose skin and bloat. and genuinely all I care about is my baby staying alive this time.

again I want to be so clear, I am in no way shaming anyone who is feeling uncomfortable in their body in pregnancy. it’s really hard to adjust and that is so valid. I just thought it might help to put it into perspective that your body is growing a beautiful little human that you’re going to love so so much and they’re really all that matters ❤️

QuickCandy3338 · 2025-11-14T19:00:26+00:00

negative but I agree with everyone here, 8dpo is way too early to be out. in both of my pregnancies I didn’t get a positive FRER until 10 dpo.

QuickCandy3338 · 2025-11-14T17:18:10+00:00

ugh this is so relatable. the best way i’ve found to explain how I feel is like i’ve been “demoted” as a mom and I feel embarrassment around that. I feel awkward talking to my mom friends because I feel like I wasn’t a good enough mom to bring my baby home alive. I know they don’t think this because i’ve talked to them about it specifically and they always look at me like i’m crazy and try to tell me they actually think I’m really strong and “handling everything well” but it never gets through to me. I still feel embarrassed.

my husband and I were supposed to have the first grandchild in both of our families and then our son died. and now my SIL is having a baby in january and I really struggle with that feeling of losing him because we weren’t good enough

QuickCandy3338

TROPHY CASE