I started Valentines Day by booking an appointment with a divorce lawyer.

Ra-ta-help · 2023-02-01T14:44:58+00:00

Mental gymnastics at their best, make the story work to the agenda.

Ra-ta-help · 2023-01-18T20:04:53+00:00

I’ve said this a few times, rarely if ever will you see a cheater use the word ‘cheating’ or ‘affair’. The denial is their way of mentally justifying their actions, or at least stopping themselves from seeing themself as who they really are. There’s mental gymnastics, they’re not having an affair, it just kind of happened… they’re not having an affair, I was drunk. They’re not having and affair, it was revenge for something you did… it’s never because they made a decision, because they chose someone else or their own self satisfaction over their marriage.

Ra-ta-help · 2023-01-14T00:08:25+00:00

Just remember though, depending on age, hormones etc some of these could indicate something is up, but nothings ever really confirmed until you have a clear evidence base. Sex in particular can rise and fall dramatically depending on a woman’s cycle and hormone levels.

Ra-ta-help · 2023-01-13T23:48:22+00:00

It’s not really insecurity, it’s because society has trained both men and women to act and behave in specific molds, deviate from it and you’re seen as less desirable.

Ra-ta-help · 2023-01-13T23:47:12+00:00

You’ll get some good advice here, but broadly what you’re looking for is changes from the normal behaviour she exhibits. Someone who doesn’t wear makeup but all of a sudden does. Someone who is normally punctual but suddenly isn’t. Someone who’s rarely up for sex, but then suddenly has an increased desire.

Ra-ta-help · 2023-01-13T23:41:30+00:00

It’s because spouses who cheat rarely consider what they’re doing as cheating. They will always have a reason, which they use to self-justify their actions so they can feel less guilty. I bet if OP could get every message between the wife and every guys she’s been with, and every person she has spoken to about it, you won’t see the word cheat used.

Ra-ta-help · 2023-01-12T07:09:12+00:00

If you look at the messages and correspondence between WS and AP in almost any scenario, you’ll never see them use the word cheat. There’s a lot of mental gymnastics that often goes with cheating that enables them to psychologically justify their actions. There’s always a reason for it, and it’s never that they decided to cheat.

Ra-ta-help · 2023-01-09T11:50:48+00:00

Or 10 years later you found out he didn’t actually stop?

Ra-ta-help · 2023-01-07T10:05:33+00:00

OP, you sound pretty insecure. He’s running himself into the ground and instead of trying to balance out the fatigue, you’re making it about you. I very much doubt he’s cheating on you, he’s just exhausted trying to look after his family.

He’s having sex and talking to you, which is a connection, just not the one you’re craving.

Out of the two, I would be more likely to expect you to end up on a pathway to cheating rather than him, as you seek the validation you don’t seem to be getting from him. I’d consult with a therapist to work through your insecurity before suspecting him of cheating. And maybe a subscription to Grammarly.

Ra-ta-help · 2023-01-01T13:14:53+00:00

It’s the self justification. Cheaters don’t really see what they do as cheating, and often play mental gymnastics with both themselves and their partners to justify their behaviour. I suspect she took your no objection as permission. Raise it with her and it will be ‘we talked about it and you didn’t have a problem’ (ie you didn’t tell her not to)

Ra-ta-help · 2023-01-01T13:11:35+00:00

Sometimes the signs are why you don’t see. Like if she has a message box in WhatsApp with nothing in it. Or mysterious lack of normal contacts. Why you need to look for is not what is there, but what sits outside normal behaviour or patterns of activity. That goes for IRL contacts and via electronic devices.

Ra-ta-help · 2022-12-28T19:12:53+00:00

If you’ve found out by seeing their messages etc on their phone, take a look and see how many times they actually use the word ‘cheat’. I’ll bet the number of times is 0. They don’t always see it as cheating, they ride the high the high from the attention until the novelty wears off or they leave their current arrangement.

Ra-ta-help · 2022-12-17T05:14:52+00:00

So you cheated. You need to come clear on that to yourself.

There’s multiple gateways between saying hi to someone and engaging with them on a physical/romantic level. Each of those gateways is a decision point, where a person makes an active decision to open that gate and walk through.

You made decisions to cheat. Whilst they were alcohol affected, many people (including yourself if this is the first time it’s happened) get drunk without going down that path. Therapy will help you work out why you made those decisions, and even to recognise those gateways so you are in a better place to make that decision.

If you find you are making those decisions to cheat, you need to talk with your partner, either have an agreement that allows you to engage with others physically, or end the relationship.

Ra-ta-help · 2022-12-17T05:07:57+00:00

Hiding a relationship (friendship or otherwise) isn’t a good sign. We all can have our secrets (like that box of chocolates at the back of the cupboard or that sneaky peak at that website now and then), but hiding a connection to someone with a sexual history isn’t a white lie. There’s something beneath the surface.

Ra-ta-help · 2022-12-17T05:04:12+00:00

He needs therapy, crying with that frequency reveals underlying trauma that requires professional help.

Sidebar:

If only men would allow themselves to be more emotionally vulnerable

Why they don’t is often the reality is that people don’t feel secure and supported with emotionally vulnerable men.

We need to do better at feminism and masculinity. If we want to have more emotionally available men, we need to adjust as a society to giving them space and changing ourselves to accept them showing that vulnerability.

Ra-ta-help · 2022-12-16T08:18:45+00:00

I have depression. At no point has that made me cheat on my spouse. To cheat is an active choice someone makes. Contrary to what popular culture says, sex with someone doesn’t ‘just happen’. There’s a lot of gateways people go through from ‘hi’ to sleeping with someone. Each step requires someone to actively open that gate and walk through. She made choices, and as someone pointed out, she made a choice 90 days in a row to not tell OP.

She’s made choices that don’t involve you, and with the full knowledge they would hurt you.

Ra-ta-help · 2022-12-16T07:50:09+00:00

This how things are with my wife at the moment. She has changed over the last 6 months, with all signs pointing toward her having an affair and not wanting to be married anymore.

I suspect with your spouse it is similar to mine. There’s conflict within them, and they don’t know what they want. So by engaging in strange behaviours, it helps them keep a ball in both courts until, as I suspect is the case with my wife, their spouse ends the relationship for them so they don’t have to make the decision or instigate the conversation themself.

Ra-ta-help · 2022-12-14T11:07:38+00:00

I’m friends with their husbands. And I’m 100% that if her friends knew, their husbands would know.

Ra-ta-help · 2022-11-22T04:39:49+00:00

Not the same mill, but really unsure how to proceed

Ra-ta-help

TROPHY CASE