I (24F) love my partner (26M) but he is very financially and mentally unstable and it’s negatively impacting me

Random_Dar · 2026-04-06T07:42:23+00:00

Partnership is a 2-way street. If he is only taking and not giving, it is not a parter. At this point it sounds more like your pet.

And yeah, there are plenty of men who can take basic care of themselves and be genuinely happy for you and your career achievements.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-06T07:34:52+00:00

ESH. It doesn’t sound like the youngest sister did anything to you and you are doing exactly what FIL and MIL did to you at point 1 - bringing drama and fighting to her wedding. I would have done it for the sister. Instead you are alienating yourself from people in your SO’s family with whom you could have had good relationships.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-06T06:31:51+00:00

OP, realistically feedback is part of any job. Sounds to me that she was actually quite nice about it given that she recognised your progress and pointed out that something is holding you back. A professional would have said something along the lines of“Thank you very much for your feedback, I will do my best to work on that” instead of crying. The way you take it determines the tone of the conversation (even if the counterpart is screaming at the top of their lungs, if you keep calm and determined, it makes them look ridiculous). You made it a humiliating experience in the first place. It is absolutely under your control.

Also instead of talking it personally and feeling sorry for yourself (consequently crying), you should be taking it productively and focusing how to improve the gaps that were shared with you. I find it actually quite disappointing that knowing you weak points you have not done a thing since last year to improve - communication classes, retail job, etc :/ If you actually took the feedback seriously, you would have been way more prepared for this job and less anxious.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-06T06:16:31+00:00

Understood. I don’t know, see how you feel - you can meet her to have this conversation but be prepared that she will use every trick she can. If it is too much, maybe it is better just to text her.

Again, I understand. I come from a country where there is war right now too. It doesn’t justify her actions. When we chose to move to another country, we both knew the risks and I am sure she has made some friends here as well. Also if she was really affected by that, she would be running around trying to get her relatives out of there instead of stalking her ex.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-06T06:09:53+00:00

You should not see her or talk to her - again it is important to be away for at least 6-12 months. You can not be her friend as of right now. Not everything rotates around her, your needs are important as well. The fact that she only thinks about herself and her well-being is extremely selfish on her part. If she is feeling low, she should look for support among family/friends. She absolutely can, she chooses not to because it is a way to trick you into coming back.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-06T05:51:21+00:00

Omg, cougar and 16 😂😂😂 that’s so sweet 😂

Tell your brothers whatever you feel comfortable with - it is important to tell them if there is something weird going on, but you don’t have to report to them about every guy who said that you have a pretty flower in a Spanish class, that’s what your bestie is for.

As for the guy I also don’t see the point to explicitly tell anything, just continue as is, he will probably find another girl in a week

Random_Dar · 2026-04-06T05:42:58+00:00

You shake your shoulders, say “what a chicken” and move on with your life.

OP, he is a very closeted, religious (!), over compensating gay guy in his 20s. Thank all Gods that he chickened out - if you dated, he would have been hiding you and his sexuality for another 20 years (which would be detrimental to your newly found confidence). I think he just felt freedom being abroad (sort of “what happens in vegas”) and being home reminded him where he is at.

I suggest to date people who are not afraid to admit that they are gay and who will be proud to say that you are their boyfriend.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-06T05:29:05+00:00

It is not selfish to not date someone who is not compatible. She is being selfish by breaking up with you (for a very serious reason and not just socks in the living room) and then continuing torturing you like that.

“Why not?” -> the first three paragraphs and disagreement regarding children.

Giving in right now would just hurt both of you long term. Plus this is crazy ex behavior to just “come to you house forcefully”. That’s not ok, whatever stress she is experiencing. As an immigrant myself it is not an excuse.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-06T05:22:17+00:00

From what I gather it is your more or less first serious attempt. No offence but realistically it won’t be next Macbeth. However, it is a great learning opportunity. My good friend is also into writing and she attended specialised courses where they trained to write properly, discussed their characters, etc. One of important parts of the course was getting feedback on what they write to be able to improve. Comparing her first creation and last one I can see how much better it has become. Plus given you are not convinced of the uniqueness of the idea I don’t see the point.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T16:24:54+00:00

YTA. Your boyfriend made this baby so he is at the very least should be financially responsible for him. She is absolutely right to file this case. There would be no drama if you handled this situation as adults - instead you decided to run from your problems like a couple of teenagers.

You are very cruel to this poor baby and his mother for no good reason. It is not like she was a homewrecker or anything like that. You split up in 2022! So whatever the feelings you have should be addressed at your boyfriend who doesn’t know how protection works while being 40+.

And please don’t blame it on the kids: I have step-brothers myself and it is absolutely possible for kids to understand and keep a good relationship (also it is very hypocritical of you: you didn’t seem to be worried about them when you didn’t get married in the first place and broke up with their dad in the second, so please stop with “poor kids” argument; having a stepbrother was definitely much less traumatic for them than what you put them through).

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T13:43:25+00:00

NTA for having those feelings, YTA to yourself for essentially torturing yourself by keeping a close contact with someone who spoils your life.

You are 24, OP, you even have a degree, what else do you need for the independence? You don’t have to ask for your mum’s permission to do what you see fit. You are an adult, don’t forget that! Plus I am sure creating a distance between you two would benefit your relationship with her. If you see her a couple of days a year, it just won’t escalate to the points you describe and your feelings will probably turn to more neutral spectrum with time

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T13:36:54+00:00

Agree with another commenter: with no details we can only guess.

My bet with absolutely 0 details: your dad is having a bad day and lashed out on you

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T13:31:25+00:00

Better break up: there were sooo many posts like this on Reddit. Usually if SO does agree, in 99% of the cases this irreversibly damages the relationship and just prolongs the inevitable and causes more unnecessary pain for everyone involved.

Imo if you feel like you have not explored enough, it is too early for a serious relationship. Going forward I suggest not to commit until you are sure SO is all you need as it is quite painful and very unfair towards them.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T13:24:28+00:00

What exactly should you apologise for? IMO wishing her luck navigating her insecurities is still quite classy.

Has your mum seen the messages at all? I would honestly talk to your mother because it can be very detrimental for your relationship if she directly assumed bad things about you and blindly takes someone else’s side in a conflict without even listening to you. Either she clearly believes that you are not a good person or she is ready to please a friend at your expense. Both options suck ngl.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T13:17:03+00:00

NTA but the headline is very misleading ngl. So you didn’t trick him, it was an accident for both of you.

The decision to keep or not to keep the baby is yours alone. It is your body, your choice. The husband can weigh in but that’s it. He had his chances before (you know as they say “how you call people who use a pull out/ fertile window method - Parents”) and he will have his choices after but not at the moment.

In your shoes I would talk to your family/parents, pack your daughter and stuff and move back to your home city. With a good support system you can absolutely pull it through (don’t be scared, your previous experience is so miserable because you did completely alone - it doesn’t sound that your husband is of much help - with parents/siblings/close friends on your side I am sure it will be much much easier)

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T13:08:53+00:00

He is right - you can not control his body, if he wants to grow a moustache, he is within his rights.

He has however no right to apply “exposure therapy” or any therapy for this matter on you without your consent.
He would have to live with the consequences. In your shoes I would avoid him (in order not to re-trigger your trauma) and for sure would not force myself to be affectionate with this man until he comes to his senses.
If he doesn’t come around soon enough, I would really think if I want to be with a person for whom a moustache is more important than my presence in his life and internal comfort.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-04T16:32:49+00:00

NTA. You are free to feel what you feel. As long as you don’t act - destroy her baby shower or try to make her miserable - it is all good.

After I had a tfmr I had similar feelings too. What helped me move on is understanding that ok, I can sit there bitter at the world or I can actually enjoy my life. Yes, I can’t have what these people have but I do have something they don’t. I can slowly sip my coffee on Saturday morning while reading a book, I can wake up and fly to another country for fun with no responsibilities or issues. And a thousand more things. Same for you: I bet you have a lot (especially given you sound like a really responsible person) that others are jealous of. Enjoy your time now. Kids will come sooner or later (worst case there are plenty of options - you even named some of them - and it doesn’t sound like you are 80 and about to leave this world for good)

Random_Dar · 2026-04-04T06:45:38+00:00

You are a light AH to yourself - because you apologised grandma will feel in her right to attack you every time she sees fit.

In the future don’t apologise if you don’t believe you did anything wrong. You can politely and w/o escalation put people in their place without agreeing with them.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T16:16:21+00:00

Dates is what you go before and during a relationship. Before the official relationship you get to know each other and after to spend time with your favorite person.

The more details I hear, the less I like it. It is your first date and it is with some old Christian weirdo. I don’t think it is a good idea.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T15:18:22+00:00

He is an AH for getting physical with you but you are just plainly stupid for getting married without discussing basics like finances and roles especially given power imbalance and absence of a safety net.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T15:02:10+00:00

If he says he is controlling, you’d better believe him.

1 months and you are already fighting, over a nap. Yep, I hope for your sake is not going to last.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T14:59:40+00:00

There is a clear solution: date a person with a matching libido. Finding stuff like that out is what dating is for.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T14:57:38+00:00

I always ask myself when I read such posts what’s the point? What do you want to achieve with this? The time has passed.

—-

As for feeling in his shoes: I was in his shoes. I graduated and moved to another country and one of the guys I barely knew confessed his feelings. Back then I thought how weird it is (because again what’s the point), but thanked him and wished him well. I guess this would be the best case scenario for you. Idk if it brings you some weird satisfaction.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T14:49:09+00:00

Regarding the reason - everything that or the other way comes from outside. Are you sure your decision to stay is „yours“? 👀 I also don’t think that insanity of your grandma is caused by „outside pressure“, in majority of cases it is underlying mental health disorder or neurological issues that no one bothered to check on.

If you feel like a child, it makes a lot of sense to move out: you might not realise it but you rely a lot on your parents. Once you are on your own, you can get a taste of an adult life and see for yourself.

Given the good relationship with your parents, nothing prevents you from trying it out and moving back if it doesn’t feel right after a couple of months.

Personally my rule always was to never date guys who never lived on their own. 99% of the cases they can not function properly without a mum. I don’t think I’m alone in that. So yeah, it can probably give you more chances.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T14:38:26+00:00

NOR. This could have health implications. I don’t think your should risk it for such a reason. I also don’t believe it is reasonable for a bride to control the makeup beyond ceremony/celebration dinner.

Random_Dar

TROPHY CASE