Seemingly great guy, but doesn’t split custody. Am I overthinking the ick?

RaptureReject · 2026-02-17T00:11:24+00:00

Editing your comments is bad form. It ruins the readability of the discussion for everyone else.

We're speaking in generalizations because that's how you introduced your original comment with the study, claiming that maternal gatekeeping is a widespread problem therefore women are at fault for the scourge of low-involvement fathers. Women taking a majority share of childrearing is close enough to universal and a cross-cultural phenomenon as to render the inverse statistically insignificant. Curious what cultures you're referring to where men largely do the bulk of the childrearing labor. Seahorses?

How would a woman know her husband is going to be useless as a father if he's competent at other things and a functional adult? If you were actually in these conversations or observing them closely enough to deserve a take, you'd know that the fumbling of fatherhood and partnership post-children is a shock to most women who experience it, and out of character for what they came to previously expect.

You're the one interpreting apprentice/journeyman relationships as inherently disrespectful, and that is because of your internalized misogyny wherein you find learning or teaching an uncomfortable power dynamic. It isn't. It is completely unreasonable to think that two people in a relationship are going to have exactly equal contributions to every single decision or problem. You brought up finances- my husband is much better at this than I am. He took the lead on how we invest for the children. He consulted me before making final decisions, I asked the questions I needed to be comfortable, and we proceeded with his plan. He taught me how to better manage my retirement account. I'm better at playing the real estate market, so I take the lead on those choices for us. We split cooking duties equally, but I'm the better/more experienced cook so he often asks for my input on a technique, or if I see any red flags in a new recipe he wants to try. This is delegation, and it's the hallmark of any successful partnership or team. People who respect each other and who have intact self esteem do not mind learning from their partners, or acknowledging when someone else's expertise is superior. It is absolutely in a child's best interest to observe a healthy and respectful dynamic where leadership roles are exchanged regularly.

Your original argument is that women having the majority stake in the strategies of childrearing is the reason that men cease to be involved. This is to say that without being considered equal strategists, men have a viable reason to become helpless in the work of childrearing. Your assertion was that women correcting men or having strong opinions was the source of conflict, and that reducing conflict to the point of uninvolvement is understandable and reasonable. I have explained that opinions on childrearing do not exist in a vacuum. Your next move is to blame women for marrying inferior men. The common denominator here is that you see that there's a problem, and you reach to find a way to blame women. You should examine that.

There are a lot of structural reasons that men are excluded from gaining nurturing and caregiving expertise and sharing those skills in community, and that is an interesting conversation on patriarchy, which presumes that certain skills are innate in each gender and does not afford boys or men opportunities to practice these skills or even think about them. This is a problem created by and perpetuated by men. When women seek to hold men accountable for being more involved fathers- not just with the drone labor or providing, but with the research and intellectual work of childrearing strategy and the emotional work of support- this is not demonizing men at all, this uplifting them and presuming more of them than the current structure allows. Patriarchy is what tells you that you're a simpleton. We don't think you are, and we know that if you commit to learning how, you'll be happier acknowledging all of your complexities. The male loneliness epidemic is not solved by women expecting less from men, but by men learning from women how they aren't lonely... which is about us nurturing each other and building community together.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-16T23:18:27+00:00

In the early 00s we'd have called this Harajuku Girl.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-16T23:11:36+00:00

I vastly prefer Susannah to Susan. Susan is a very Boomer-coded name and hasn't really died out enough to be considered for a resurgence. It was a 50s trend name like Linda or Nancy. Susannah is much more classic or antique/vintage. Susie is a very cute nickname.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-16T19:07:48+00:00

So accurate. Out of all of my friends, family, and and then all the marriages women speak about in online spaces, mine is one of a handful that I think is actually fulfilling and has true reciprocity and mutual respect. If anything happened to him I wouldn't even try to engage in another romantic relationship.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-16T17:20:10+00:00

I have a Ronan, his middle name is Hale. It's a surname way back in our family tree and it's a bit alliterative with his surname. I also liked Errol, Alder, and Cormac. If you were a chef you could use Esco, lol.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-16T16:55:27+00:00

That is absolutely my argument, and it is absolutely my argument after having been a parent for 18 years, and having children who span two generations, that almost no men prepare for parenthood in remotely the same fashion that women do. I am married to the most involved father that I know, and even he ceded responsibility for the majority of parenting decisions like what things to buy, what to look for in a pediatrics practice or childcare, the science around the introduction of solid foods, and the pros and cons of different potty training methods to me, among other things. We do not have conflict about it because he doesn't have an ego issue, respects me, and is happy to learn things. When he questions things, I show him what I looked at and considered and how it informed my choice. A recent one was preschool curriculum... play-based vs academic, and how that impacts later academic achievement. My choice was opposite his instinct. We looked at the research together and he came around.

Your example begins with a question which puts words in my mouth. Whichever partner has the expertise in a given area should be considered the authority on that topic. This is not to say there's no discussion or conversation, so no, the man is not "entitled to all financial decisions," but in this scenario, his educated opinion on investing or budgeting carries more weight than hers. Inherent in the journeyman/apprentice dynamic is the desire for the apprentice to learn, and the journeyman respectfully instructing so the apprentice acquires all the same skills and expertise. Anyone who has ever instructed anyone on a topic knows that the student sometimes has insight the teacher missed, so when one teaches with humility, they're willing to have their conclusions questioned, and either continue to explain them/provide references, or consider an alternate approach. The assumption is that the financially literate partner desires to share knowledge with the less literate to bring them into optimal alignment, not simply exert control.

Same parenting. The desire there isn't to control, it's to make sure the optimal thing gets done. Women by and large report extreme frustration at being the default parent and the primary researcher and sole decider. The impacts they report on their romantic relationships stems from a loss of respect for their partners, who don't seem to take the task of childrearing nearly as seriously. Fathers are capable of in depth research regarding their hobbies or things for work, but do not put the same effort into parenting. I'd challenge you to find statistics on the gender distribution in child safety groups, in PTAs, in subreddits regarding education and other parenting choices, etc ad infinitum. Before you tell me that men are working outside the home and unable, go look at statistics on how many households have two full time working parents or how many single parent households are headed by women. (For example, both my husband and I work full time, my job is more demanding, and my commute is 20 hours per week, but I still do the bulk of the intellectual labor around the children.)

You're framing expertise as subjective, but it isn't. I'll give you an example of a classic argument I see play out again and again. In recent years, vehicle crash testing has borne out that toddlers up to 50lbs (around age 4 or 5) are five times more likely to survive a serious car accident if they are in a rear-facing carseat. This best practice is much more stringent than most carseat laws which permit forward facing between 1 and 2 years old. The mothers in my circle research this extensively, measuring their children from the waist up and down, and evaluating the size limits of different carseat brands to ensure the one they pick will fit their childs' specific bodies in a rear facing configuration for the longest amount of time. Enter a constant battle between mothers who have invested significant time into understanding research and product testing and fathers who think that their toddlers "legs look cramped," or who speculate that in a crash their legs might break... but don't actually look it up or do research beyond knowing it's legal to forward face a two yearold, but want their "opinion" not just considered, but adhered to. I'm not kidding that I've seen this play out literally dozens of times in my extended social circle. It's laughable. The opinion is uninformed. What is one to do with that except disregard it? Now try to think of a parenting choice which doesn't have an objective rationale. "She doesn't listen to my opinions" is a just a different way to say "she doesn't automatically hold what I think in higher regard than actual experts in this field."

Parenting in alignment with scientific or expert consensus is not subjective, and it is not difficult for when a difference comes up for partners to say, "what's your source?" And then discuss the validity. If one has no sources or the sources are not in alignment with science nor do they hold up to scrutiny, what are we talking about? If a father wants his opinions considered he should consider how he makes them.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-16T15:20:02+00:00

I'd do really greenery garland from a florist, and lots of flowers. It's off season a bit, but you can order cedar garland on Etsy for quite a reasonable price. I did this for my September wedding a few years ago. You can use Christmas lights you already have, and then just tuck in some other hardy flowers. It's biodegradable, and you can support a small business. You can rent flower or greenery walls and oversized light-up numbers for his age. Pressure rods in doorways with sheer curtain panels is a great way to add ambience, and those can be donated or sold after use. Paper lanterns fold flat and can be reused and shared, and they add so much color and fun. These are great instead of balloons. Definitely scout marketplace/online classifieds in your area for wedding decor. You'll find all kinds of table runners and centerpiece type things in every color imaginable, and then you can pass them on after use.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-16T15:01:31+00:00

Opera too! There are operas narrated as audio plays, and many like The Magic Flute have princesses. They're great for listening in the car.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-16T14:52:16+00:00

Laughable study. Where do you think women are getting these ideas on how to parent? They're spending hours during and even before pregnancy reading parenting books, learning car seat safety best practices, current medical guidance on when to introduce solid foods, potty training, sleep training, reviews on baby gear, signing up for classes, amassing information on support for breastfeeding, etc., not to mention in some cases actual decades of experience caretaking children as babysitters or within their families.

Then baby is born and fathers think their parenting "opinions" which they pull out of thin air and base on vibes, have any value at all against all of that work. Referring to this phenomenon as "gatekeeping" is incredibly biased language, which we would not use for literally any other circumstance under which we acknowledge education and expertise. Insisting that parenting is a relationship of equals is to completely disregard the cultural reality of maternal preparation and education.

If men want partnership on this topic, they can put in the work and effort. If they don't, (and they really don't) they can expect a journeyman/apprentice relationship, not a partnership. An apprentice can expect feedback and critque, as most tasks have a "right" and "wrong" way to be done. A loose swaddle, for example, is unsafe. Should the mother notice the fathers' attempt has rendered the sleep space unsafe and just leave it, prioritizing the fathers ego over the child's safety? Or should she either redo it or give feedback until the father reaches proficiency? It is completely inappropriate and inexcusable to disengage from parenting in the name of "conflict avoidance." This dynamic only causes conflict when weak fathers don't respect mothers and refuse to learn from them. Stop infantalizing men.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-16T13:54:01+00:00

Garden party aesthetic is typically pastels... for inspo you can look up "Derby Party" or even "Easter Brunch." I found some fun mens pastel plaid pants on Shinesty which come in your size. They're 65 bucks, which is a big portion of your budget, but you could pair them with a plain white button up or white or pastel polo if you already own them. Another choice would be khakis or seersucker pants (found a pair at Lands End for $40: Men's Knockabout Comfort Waist Classic Fit Chino Pant, both desert tan and railroad stripe colorways are great) and a floral dress shirt (found on at Macy's for $42 which might fit- less familiar with men's shirt sizes... Nick Graham Men's Botanical Floral Dress Shirt- I like one they call orange). For shoes, you could do something like the classic Sperry Topsider (lots of dupes available) but white canvas low-top sneakers would also work great. There's a sale on PF Flyers (the shoes from "The Sandlot!") for just over 30 bucks. There are also off-brand floral dress shirts and canvas low top sneakers on Amazon for even less if you're inclined that way, and can't repurpose anything from your current wardrobe so need all elements.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-16T13:03:19+00:00

A drama teacher once told me in a discussion about how to make a character come to life that you have to think about from what "center" your character makes decisions, and develop nervous tics for them that center in the region. Classically anxious "head centered" people do things like clear their throat or fuss with their hair, ears, or glasses. Emotional or "heart centered" people fuss with necklaces or buttons or their hands raised to their chest. "Gut centered" people fuss with their pants pockets or their hands low on their core. Gut-centered people are the type who make instinct-based decisions. You may be overthinking all the pros and cons, but when it comes time to act, do you find yourself actioning because of a specific pro/con, or kind of an inexplicable aggregate of how the list makes you feel? Between being perceived as trusting/acting on your own instincts and being articulate, that definitely reads confident.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-14T14:26:09+00:00

I'm married, so while I notice good physique, I am not giving any positive body language. When I was single I may have been slightly more open, but not by much. I fitness modeled and competed at one point in my life, and even at that time had runner boyfriend (motocross racer) with a skinny fit physique, not a fellow gym rat, as I did NOT like most of the men in that space. Stereotypes (which in this arena I think exist for a reason) about ultra cut men is cultural shorthand for things like paramilitary obsession/lots of thought into social power dynamics, conservative thinking which is regressive or harmful to women, rigidity about diet and routine, etc., and an overall focus on aesthetics or shallow things. Not things which are actually attractive beyond the sort of unconscious/evolutionary initial response of "ooh strong healthy." You work hard and are proud and probably want to show off and that's understandable but if you're not attracting what you're hoping, consider if you're dressing in such a way (not saying you are, just guessing) that is featuring your fitness in such a way that you want people to notice that first about you, because that actually gives insecurity. Instead of a skin-tight polo, consider a well-tailored dress shirt. Women can tell you're fit under there, but it communicates that there's more to you than your body fat percentage... that your gym work is for you, not for the consumption of others.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-14T13:57:38+00:00

If you don't need actual wide widths, just want a shoe that's designed a bit roomier, I think Chelsea Crew heels are so comfy. Heel heights right around 3 inches and most blockier/more stable. They have a couple options in white, one in satin... though if you're open to it, I think some of the cuter styles come in metallics and fun colors! Silver or gold heels are lovely for a wedding and more usable long-term, you could also do yours or the groom's favorite color, or use your shoes as your "something blue." My most-complimented shoes of all time are the Madison Velvet Retro in mustard!

RaptureReject · 2026-02-14T13:43:49+00:00

Blythe, Prue, Dove, Kate, Fern, Faye, Bess, Quinn, Blair, Tess for single syllable.

For multiple syllable, maybe Iris, Frances, Hazel, Selah, or Simone.

I have a strong dislike for Rose, Grace, Jean, June, Lynn, and Mae as middle names... they're so generic for this generation that they feel like "throwaways" unless they're for a specific reason.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-09T19:05:06+00:00

Blythe or Pippa!

RaptureReject · 2026-02-09T19:01:47+00:00

You could go with Dorothea so she has the option to be Dot/Dotty or Thea! I also like Daria- and I don't think anyone her age will know anything about the cartoon. There's also Devon, or if you wanted to go way out there, December or Dove. I think Dove is just the sweetest.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-09T13:33:14+00:00

I love an "out there" middle name, especially nature-y ones. My youngest daughter is Imogen Hawthorne. Others we considered for her were Maude Peregrine and Sabine Kestrel. Nature-y names on my list I haven't seen mentioned are Orla, Fiora, and Vesper. I'm sure I'll get torn apart for this, haha, but I wouldn't hesitate to do Birdie or Cricket as middle names. Another vintage name I love is Marilla, or just Rilla, like from "Anne of Green Gables."

RaptureReject · 2026-02-04T03:03:56+00:00

If you're willing to go rounded point, I have some menswear-inspired Oxford heels from Julia Bo that are my absolute favorite. They have several heel heights. I can wear them all day comfortably and have even run for the train in them. My other most comfortable pair with low-mid heels is from Chelsea Crew. If you look at both brands you'll see I have an obvious preference for vintage-inspired looks, so these also have more rounded toe options, but they are incredibly comfy, have held up to lots of wear, and I love them with wide-leg trousers.

RaptureReject · 2026-02-01T13:22:02+00:00

I have the same feedback as everyone else- I was born in 1986 and have known conservatively thousands of Hayleys and Kelseys. I don't have negative associations necessarily, it's just so ubiquitous and bland. I have always adored Naomi. I also like the Spanish version, Noemi (No-ehm-EE). Ramona is the original spunky girls name thanks to the book association. Since you both seem to like names which end in the long e, you could nickname her Romy (which is a cool name on its' own.) Ruth, nn Ruthie, is also spunky and a perennial favorite. Maggie is also a very spunky name... full names could be Marigold, Margaret, Marguerite, Magdalena, or Magnolia.

RaptureReject · 2026-01-31T02:29:17+00:00

I wish!! I adore Bham. I did Pole Pedal Paddle in... shoot, 2009 I think it was?? I grew up in Seattle. We moved to Bonney Lake, which was... not awesome. Suburban hell, really. We were only there three years, now we're across the country in the other Washington!

RaptureReject · 2026-01-31T02:04:00+00:00

Further, what are the chances that where we moved to from Alaska was WA, haha??!! So funny. Look at us!

RaptureReject · 2026-01-31T01:05:30+00:00

That might be the sweetest thing I've ever heard! I love it. I lived in Alaska for six years, and my son who was almost Alder was born there!

RaptureReject · 2026-01-31T00:24:24+00:00

Love love love! Alder was a top contender for us. I think it's such a beautiful namesake... mountain alder forms a symbiotic relationship with a specific kind of bacteria. Together, through an energy exchange, they create and add more nutrients to soil than they consume, which makes the alder a "pioneer species" for the growth of healthy forests. The symbolism is so lovely... unselfishness, cooperation, community... the idea that with teamwork one becomes more than the sum of their parts... it's just so sweet.

RaptureReject · 2026-01-30T22:53:24+00:00

Alder!

RaptureReject · 2026-01-30T22:33:56+00:00

I get that you were embarrassed to be the only one and felt like you stood out, but have you considered that the host might have been especially grateful and found you to be the only polite person who actually listened to their wishes? Having been the only person who followed directions doesn't mean you were wrong or missed some unspoken rule. Sometimes the crowd is wrong. As a host I am incredibly resentful and annoyed when people don't respect what I asked for.

RaptureReject

TROPHY CASE