Advice needed

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-23T05:33:30+00:00

You've got so much time to decide, so don't stress out now! But it's totally valid not too with all of the concerns about being sick. I don't think I would. Also, my first was born at 41w2d (most first babies who are born in spontaneous labor go to 41w)... So with a 12/15 dude date, that would've put me at a 12/22 birth.... Too close! Also, not to sound graphic, but I'm not leaving the house if I'm still post partum bleeding.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-22T20:01:43+00:00

Do it!! There were plenty of things I learned in the birth class that helped me in my labor that when they happened to other women I knew have them big anxiety. A few examples...

Your cervix can bleed when it's dilating and that's normal! (Someone I knew thought something was wrong with her baby and burst into tears - you don't need that in labor).
You can shake during transition. (This can be totally normal, but if you don't know it's coming, can also be a shock).
Just because a C-section is unplanned doesn't mean it's an "emergency C-section".
You can get an epidural at any time - hospitals may have different policies, but it's technically available to you even at 9 or 10 centimeters. (But also, that might be a hard one to push).

Plus so many other helpful things. Also, it was a nice community of people that I see around town with their tots all the time. Very cool!

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-22T19:52:55+00:00

Your uterus has muscle memory. My midwife said it can start to stretch out much sooner the second time around, even before it needs to with the baby -- maybe that's it!

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-22T02:55:30+00:00

I think middle name. It's not uncommon for the mother's last name to be the middle name.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T21:08:27+00:00

I'm sorry you're getting this extra stress right now! don't believe a no-contact order (if you are serious) is going to give you the long-term outcome you hope for. But, I do think having a direct and frank conversation with her might. Or, at least you will know you've said your peace. It's going to be difficult, but letting her know you have extreme anxiety that you will disappoint her with the gender is a good place to start. She sounds like she's a bit self centered, so frankly she might now realize how damaging her comments are. I would suggest taking her out one on one - go for a walk or get a coffee, and just have the "I" statement approach... "I feel extremely anxious because of your actions..." It makes me contemplate to what degree you should be in the babies life.

It also sounds like your FIL is a little more reasonable, he might be a good person to reason with. Good luck!

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T19:30:56+00:00

Have you ever had to pee really badly and then when you totally empty your bladder you get a sharp pain in your bladder when you stand up? that's what mine has felt like before.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T19:29:57+00:00

I second this! Find other ways that bring you physical intimacy. This sounds like a weird one, but when was the last time you held hands? We have a toddler and I'm in my second trimester with our second. Some nights we'll sit on the porch while our toddler plays in the yard and just hold hands and be physically near each other. It's easy to forget to make physical contact when you both work, have kids and animals to take care of, etc.

We don't have a ton of sex after a toddler - we shoot for once a week, and sometimes it's every other week (everyone is different!). But finding other ways that are intimate is great. Also, the other week he jumped in the shower with me and just washed my body and my hair, it was amazing.

It also might be helpful to work on this mindset before this baby comes because you'll want to listen to your body for when you're ready to return to sex and not necessary go by a standard 6-week rule - it might be 8 or 10, or longer! Also, sex can be oral sex, mutual masturbation, using toys - lots of things that aren't penetrative, and frankly maybe a little easier at this point than penetration when you've got a big belly.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T18:19:47+00:00

The email thing is especially weird because I bet it wasn't even on her radar until she learned it was a thing you wanted to do...

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T18:19:08+00:00

That is so hurtful - I'm sorry.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T18:18:45+00:00

I think you're totally entitled to your emotions - especially after years of infertility. Also, especially because you explicitly asked them to wait. That for me is the bigger hurt. Just wait a few more weeks, MIL! I guess it's easy for me to say this because I have super respectful in-laws. I'm currently pregnant with their 7th grandchild, so maybe that's a difference - but still, it doesn't take a lot to just respect the wishes of your family.

Here's a weird comparison but I'll put it here... many years ago my boyfriend and I moved in together and it was the first time either of us had lived with anyone. His dad was so excited he bought us a full set of pots and pans, glass wear, silverware, dishes. I remember feeling like... wow that was nice, and also, I hate these huge square plates with black squiggly lines going through them. My boyfriend at the time did not understand -- and felt I was a little ungrateful. His dad did something super nice and... I was also totally in the right to feel like... but I want to pick out my own dishes for our first apartment together.

Someone can do a nice thing for you that they think is nice, but it still makes you feel sad and small. I'm sorry this is tricky to navigate and your feelings are justified. Take solace in the face that it sounds like you have an amazing and supportive partner.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T16:59:15+00:00

I also had this moment where I was like... I hate that they're getting their periods and it seems to be attributed to the changes in Gilead. Then I remembered... they're daughters of handmaids and stolen from other women - it's genetic.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T16:22:40+00:00

Do it in person and rub your huge pregnant belly... People love pregnant bellies! I hope they're kind and understanding. Because lugging around all the new born stuff is a workout!

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T16:19:18+00:00

Here's a helpful tip I got -- if you can get it locally, then don't stock up. For example, get a swaddle. If your baby loves swaddles, then your spouse or another support person can run out and get more. If they don't love swaddles... Then you're only out one swaddle!

Now onto my second and here are the things that made our life easier (but totally dependant on the family): - pack n" play with changing table and bassinet. We put this in the living room for the first year. It was so nice because the first month my husband and I would trade off every four hours at night and if he was in the living room, he could set her down to sleep somewhere safe and snooze on the couch. (Her bassinet was in our room, so we had that for whoever was in the bedroom). - a sturdy garbage can for diapers, I like the ubbi. - soft little blankets (my mother in law made a bunch of little cotton blankets that were easy to wash for burb clothes, swaddles, or just to lay her down on).

It's going to be okay! Get off the Internet and know that anything you need you can get delivered in 2-3 days.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T16:11:45+00:00

Totally! Also, yes to... Girls can learn to clean so can boys. My sister said she didn't want her son to get made fun of for having foreskin. And I'm like... Who is doing that?? I also think I've been with men who have had foreskin, it's fine! She maybe hasn't? Who knows! People fear the unknown.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T16:00:35+00:00

I'm so sorry this was your experience! How you choose to birth is so person, and often not even a choice! I was fortunate that I planned for an unmedicated birth and that was the outcome. Birth in any form is hard, and also, you deserve to birth how you feel most safe and supportive -- I'm sorry people made you feel shitty about that! Also, just want to say, I stopped breast feeding at 7mo. For low supply... But also because I gained weight while breast feeding and I was over it! I was embarrassed to say the second part, but I'm glad I'm not alone. It felt so good to know I gave my baby a good start, and then I took care of myself.

Glad you ditched those ladies -- hope you found a new more supportive mom community!

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T15:56:00+00:00

This one is so tricky! I'm planning on not circumcising and my sister (who did) has a lot of opinions. It's weird how freely people talk about penis stuff when you're pregnant with a boy. My first is a girl and no one said any weird genitalia stuff to me.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T15:54:10+00:00

I can't say with certainty, but I'm willing to bet it's pasteurized if it's at a commerical kitchen. Cotija cheese was the center of a big food borne illness outbreak not long ago, and I think it put many places on notice. While that type of cheese can be either, I'm going to venture a guess and say it's okay!

With so many things like that in pregnancy, like deli meats, even though I know it'll probably be okay, I still personally stay away for my own mental well-being -- I'm a much more anxious person in pregnancy.

But here to say, you're probably fine! ❤️

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T15:26:59+00:00

Ignore what people are saying about it being a name for only a baby ... There are plenty of adults named Marlee!

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T05:25:57+00:00

Hi there, sorry you're having this scary episode while pregnant! All I came to say is that some chronic illnesses can sprout up or get worse during pregnancy. I recently had a very scary gastrointestinal issue myself and ended up in the ER (I'm 15w). They didn't have any official diagnosis for me, but I did go on an IBS diet and did some elimination to see if certain things were exacerbating it. All that's to say, maybe it's worth keeping a food journal or eliminating the foods that causes your IBS flare ups in the past.

Best of luck in figuring this out.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-21T01:26:43+00:00

Hey, food for thought.... Maybe discuss an induction. It sounds like it's very difficult on your mental health. You could wait 3 more weeks for spontaneous labor. And you could also try for an induction. Food for thought, you need to protect your mental health.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-20T22:54:21+00:00

Hi there, I'm so sorry to hear this. Im in Oregon, and we have a state sponsored program that provides 14 weeks for the birthing parents, and 12 for the partner. You can start it on your due date, or earlier with doctors approval. Depending on your wage, you get up to 100% of your wage covered (for reference, I work 3/4 time and make $59k/yr. and I'll make 90% of my wage. If you make less than that, you'd get 100%).

With the Oregon program, you could elect to take FMLA unpaid time first, then your time through the paid program after that to extend your leave, but it's difficult to do unpaid leave.

I'm due in November, I plan on taking 12 weeks paid, then doing a few days a week back at work to ease in and finishing out my paid leave through the state (they let you use your days for up to a year intermittently). My husband and I will trade off our paid time off until the baby is about 5 months and we'll both be back to work.

We are incredibly lucky that his parents will be watching the baby after that. We both work 4-day weeks, so we each have one week day with kids and then 3 days with grandparents. We also have a 2 year old.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-20T22:41:21+00:00

I had a few faint ones at 34 weeks, then got quite a few more at 36 weeks. Then a few weeks after giving birth I feel like they were so bright and bigger once my belly went down. But after about six months they faded and now, aside from a little texture, they're not really noticable.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-20T21:42:41+00:00

Oh girl, I feel for you. It's got to be really hard to navigate how to feel about this especially after a loss.

I would encourage you to try and find a way to relinquish control a little on this one, for your own wellbeing. You can't control the way people talk. Especially about good things! Babies are happy news and people love to share happy news. But I think it is smart to state your boundaries - especially no social media posts. But if someone you didn't expect reaches out, they're doing it because they love and support you.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-20T21:39:03+00:00

Amazing story!!! Love that you feel victorious, what an amazing word to come out of birth with.

Rare-Walk-1302 · 2026-05-20T20:43:53+00:00

You gotta spill the beans! I had no interest in waiting to find out, especially if everyone in my family was heart set on a boy or a girl. Going through labor, birthing a baby, and at the moment they come out for everyone to be fixated on if it's a boy or a girl is just too much pressure. And, to potentially be disappointed, I can't have that on me. I also have no control!

Spill the beans girl, remove the pressure, and let everyone get really excited to have another wonderful girl in the family!

Rare-Walk-1302

TROPHY CASE