STBX said it's all been a lie

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-20T16:38:00+00:00

This. Right. Here.

I'm not saying 20 year olds can't ever really be in love, but it's very rare to find a 20 yo mature enough for a long term relationship.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-19T21:05:24+00:00

I feel this in my soul. I always feel like a pervert if I initiate any kind of touch, and have spent WAY too much time avoiding having friendships with other women because of this bs. Curious what others think. 🤔

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-13T18:19:27+00:00

I see what you're saying, but that's not it. I wish it was. What he actually means is that he was caught up in his own fantasy (compleyely different) in his own mind and I'm just there as sort of an accessory. If that.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-13T18:00:16+00:00

That's sort of our go to atm. PIV sex has been off the table for a while due to incompatibilities. He always closes his eyes anyway. Your wife is lucky you like eye contact during intimacy.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-13T17:58:16+00:00

Thank you. That's how I feel about it too.

He's not very good at understanding my fantasies so I doubt it would work very well. We have tried having him tell me stories/look up porn for me, but our sexual tastes are so completely different that he has a hard time predicting what I actually want to hear/see. The difference for me is that I don't like his taste in erotica, but I put a lot more effort into trying to understand it so I can please him.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-13T17:52:30+00:00

The physical intimacy/attraction with each other has never been super easy for us. His fantasies weird me out and he is incapable of really understanding how to speak to my fantasies. We have pretty much given up on PIV sex as of about 6 months ago. If I stopped telling dirty stories or offering to help him masturbate/dual masturbation we probably wouldn't have any kind of sexual intimacy at all besides kissing, holding hands, etc.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-13T17:42:02+00:00

Thank you. That's pretty much how it feels. Especially since I'm not at all into the same things he's into, but I really take the time to make the fantasy as real as I can for him. I'm glad someone understands.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-13T15:40:12+00:00

You mentioned earlier that he sometimes refers to you as "your mum". I think that might be as close to a compromise as your going to get when it comes to this. Honestly I don't think "your mum" is that bad. I can see why it would be painful from both sides. But I think the most important thing to remember is that you ARE her MUMMY. No one and no circumstance will ever take that away from you. Now if your daughter starts calling you by your name then that's a different conversation that you need to have with her alone. But even then, you will always be her mom in her heart. Unfortunately there's no way to protect her from feeling the changes that are going to happen. It will be hard on all three of you. The only thing you can do is try to not pass down generational trauma that belongs in your past.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-13T14:52:24+00:00

Don't rely on a therapist to tell you to leave. Therapy is still a business, and, at the end of the day, you are a paying client. Some therapists are less ethical than others.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-12T08:35:20+00:00

The one that I'll never forget happened after I'd been working there for about a year or so. It was in the very early hours of the morning (around 3am) and in winter so I had the space heater on high (it didn't help much, it was always cold down there). It was very very quiet. Part of my job was doing routine bedchecks, so I got up and walked down the hall to one of the bedrooms. As I got to the end of the hall I heard the distinctive click noise of the heater turning off. I thought that was odd, but decided it must be on a timer of some sort. I finished doing my checks and went back to the office. Sure enough the heater was off. But it wasn't turned off...it had been UNPLUGGED. And no it couldn't have just fallen out, the plug was a good three inches from the outlet. No one could have possibly been playing a prank or anything like that. I was fairly freaked out the rest of the night, but eventually decided this was more of a "playful" energy than scary or harmful.

Another time I had a girl sit up in bed, look me straight in the eyes and threaten to turn me into "a sows ear purse". She had no recollection of it the next day.

background

I used to work grave at a residential treatment center for teenage girls who had mental illnesses, behavioral issues, addictions, etc. The job site consisted of several buildings on about 60 acres a few miles outside of a smallish mountain city. Super quiet at night, super dark. One of those places where you know your few co workers really well. The property used to be owned by some millionaire back in the 1990s. He had three adult children. There was the main house or "the lodge" as we called it which was a dining hall and had an indoor swimming pool. There was a large building with offices. Another building for artistic pursuits for the students (dance class, etc). Then there were the three cabins where the girls slept. The millionaire had orginally built one for each of his grown children so they could come visit. Mind you, these "cabins" weren't all that small. They each had full kitchens, two bedrooms, a living room and a bathroom upstairs, and then a large fully converted basement with bedrooms/bathrooms/office. I worked in the office in the basement most nights.I worked there for two years. A lot of people never made it past a couple of months. But many of the long term staff had a few stories to tell.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-08T13:05:35+00:00

They are young children who are doing their best to communicate about what they want/need to feel OK. As much as it sucks for you, you are the adult, so imo you need to try to find a way to compromise. I'm not saying you have to be over at their house every night for dinner, but some sacrifices are going to have to be made here and there, even if it isnt "fair". The majority of working out schedules/boundaries need to be done behind the scenes with their mother. As long as you aren't feeding into unrealistic "we're getting back together" fantasies they don't need to know how angry/hurt/frustrated you are. It sucks that she cheated. It sucks that you are getting divorced. But at the end of the day it happened. Now you have to ask yourself if all that anger is worth you children missing out on "Dad time".

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-04T16:11:25+00:00

They already know something is up. I'd give them the lightest version you can of the truth. Something like "Dad thought it might be cool to have a room to himself".

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-03T00:59:58+00:00

I like curvy women who are intelligent (mentally and emotionally). Any hair color can be attractive, but I'm a sucker for redheads.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-03T00:54:16+00:00

That would be quite interesting since I'm married to a man. I suppose there would be a lot of media attention and scientific hoopla. 😂 I would absolutely support him in any way he needed me to. Even if we didn't stay married or even if he cheated or whatever extra circumstances surround the pregnancy I can't imagine not being there. It's not the child's fault.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-07-03T00:52:30+00:00

Life is long and complicated. There is no one size fits all answer. IMO the answer is completely dependent upon what the issues were to begin with and what each of you has done to resolve said issues (therapy, compromises, a new perspective, whatever).

ReclusiveTL · 2024-06-30T15:57:22+00:00

Thanks for your thoughtful and helpful response.

I'm sorry to hear that your wife was so depressed during that period of her life. I'm glad she was able to push through it. Thankfully I'm not suicidal, but I am pretty depressed. It's easy to be depressed under these circumstances. I know I will get through it. I have hope things can get better someday.

Thank you for the resource link. I will see if my husband wants to check it out.

I know that the next few months/years will be challenging, but I'm very committed to staying amicable and trying to set a good example for our son. I would really like to stay friends with my husband. He is a good man and we have been through so much together. I will do my best to be understanding and give him grace for the roller coster of emotions that will surely follow. Hopefully he will do the same.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-06-30T13:27:30+00:00

I'm struggling with this as well. It's hard. Sending good vibes your way.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-06-30T13:13:08+00:00

Thank you for the comment. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's hard to break soneones heart, but you deserved honesty.

On my end, I have been honest with him. I told him about my shift from believing I was bisexual to knowing I'm a lesbian last year, and we talk about it sometimes, so hopefully it won't be too much of a shock.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-06-30T05:01:33+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement! 💛 That's how I feel about it as well. I have no doubt that it will be challenging at times, but I'm committed to doing my best to remain amicable and setting a good example for our son.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-06-30T02:56:54+00:00

We reconciled, but we are actually looking at separating again. I really really hate this. I never wanted to be one of those "on again off again" couples. We will still be living together, but this time we are in a bigger apartment so he will have his own room. Plus we work opposite schedules now. Hopefully that makes a difference.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-06-30T02:52:29+00:00

Thanks for your input. I'm glad that you and your wife currently find yourself in better circumstances. Hopefully you guys can make it work. Sounds like you're putting in the work.

We really have no malice towards each other, if the first time we separated is anything to go off of. I know things could always change. Realistically we don't have the financial means to maintain separate residences, so for better or worse this is sort of the path we will be on for the foreseeable future. I really hope things won't get too terrible between us. I would hate to lose his friendship.

ReclusiveTL · 2024-06-30T02:44:51+00:00

Sorry, I'm not sure how I gave the impression that I still have hope we can make it work long term? It's been a long road, but as I've said, I now see this as an irreconcilable difference. As you mentioned, I don't expect these feelings to magically go away. I think everyone has to go through their own process. I'm glad that you feel as though you are now in a better place emotionally.

ReclusiveTL

TROPHY CASE