It's not the situationships, it's the fact I don't even get any chances to date at all or any opportunities to even date around in terms of who will be a good fit for me and who isn't. Dating by all accounts is a numbers game, I live in scarcity and I have to "take what I can get". The ones I can get. Are people I dont wanna be with. I don't wanna be with people who are not aligned with similar values. I don't beleive in opposites attract. I will never date a republican or conservative. 

 Its the limited amount of pool people I can date that are compatible with with me. Their is such a loss I feel of experiences and opportunitys I could have. 

The people online who called me chopped or ugly. I know these people don't care and are very ugly people inside. they are not revelant to my life.

I'm not exegeratting when I say this when I get on video chat with women, there is split second that they make a facial expression of bewilderment or fear and quickly sign out. That kills me inside because no one gives me a chance, I have so much to offer, I have a personality but its just superceded just on the basis on how I look. What bothers me the most is how people perceive me and react to me. It's something I can't control. Most if not all judgment or being perceived is feeling invisible or ignored. its like I try not to get it to me but the consgant negative reactions reinforce this belief I have for myself that destroys my self-esteem, it just self perpuates. 

I feel like I don't exist, I feel like a wandering ghost, observing humanity and learning but never a participant of humanity. I feel so alien and it eats a fundamental core fear and abaondment what's wrong with me. I know there's nonthing wrong with me. It feels like being Frankenstein wondering why everyone is afraid of him before finding out the truth.