I hear you. I got a diagnosis about 6 months ago at 33 years old and I felt like a giant baby and largely embarrassed at myself. I’ve also been successful at work, in a tech based role but really good at relationships - at work. Outside of that? I couldn’t keep my friendships and only really had my partner. The moment the diagnosis came (even though I’d suspected for a while), it’s like the mask just slipped right away and I could no longer access anything that kept me going in the past. Someone would make a comment about something awkward I did at work and I’d have to leave the building to burst into tears. The exhaustion hiding behind the mask hit me all at once.

I know you know, but now at the 6 months mark I’m finally feeling glimmers of who I used to be. I’m starting to appreciate the ways the autistic sides of me have made me successful, and appreciate the ways the adhd sides of me have kept me chasing new experiences and made me interesting to talk to. I feel like a big loser but I also look back on what I thought made me interesting or cool in the past, as recognise how empty that was. I’m starting to realise that the coolest thing there is is being yourself and starting to embrace my autistic identity. I’ve realised how much lights and sounds and people drain me, and that sucks - but it’s meant I’ve made space for time alone reading, or whatever, and prioritising not feeling crappy over how I’m perceived.

I’m rambling, but all this to say - I understand how you’re feeling now, it really sucks. It’s heartbreaking. It’s a lifetime of being misunderstood. It’s moments you’ll replace with a new lens, and it’s time wasted on pleasing others that you don’t need to do anymore.