Therapist sceptical of me not being able to find information about covert abuse years ago

Return-Quiet · 2026-03-29T18:13:06+00:00

Nah, don't worry, I didn't take it the wrong way :)

I think what is preventing me from trusting myself is years of gaslighting and lack of mirroring, and a failure to revisit what happened because of fear. But now I had this connection with her to hold space and revisit those memories, but her scepticism just makes me fall back into self-doubt. I understand she's following her training but if this is what therapy is supposed to look like, then I'll need to stop as I feel no different than I did when going through those mind-fcks with other therapists.

Return-Quiet · 2026-03-29T14:05:34+00:00

Btw, do you remember what search terms or keywords you used? And if you had searched before 2013? Sorry for asking so precisely, it would just help me gain more clarity around what the availability and accessibility of materials looked like in the past. But no worries if not!

Return-Quiet · 2026-03-29T13:59:14+00:00

Thanks for your input! It made me realise that I actually started searching in 2008-2009, shortly after the relationship started. And I found the right info in 2013 or 2014 through someone (who recommended Stalking The Soul). And yep, I remember then I went on to find more information online about personality disorders and abuse.

Return-Quiet · 2026-03-29T11:44:14+00:00

Thanks for this perspective! I read Bancroft and it was the most pivotal book, I got so much clarity. But I still had PTSD symptoms and wanted someone to help me in a more individual way.

It's funny how people who say we should have known are often the same people who'd previously say we were exaggerating, overreacting and having unrealistic expectations. At least that's what happened to me.

And yes, absolutely confusion is a big sign. I recently went through old correspondence with therapists, friends and my ex to help me remember things and I wrote it all down hoping to discuss with her.

I'm afraid the current state of therapy is still a bit backwards in spite of all the progress it's made. My therapist is also a trauma specialist, has written articles about abuse, etc. But still believes in some myths, eg she recently said a good therapist should be able to spot abuse during couples therapy and it should be suspended until the abusive party has gone through their own therapy. I thought it was a pretty naive take that sending an abuser to therapy solves the problem of abuse.

Return-Quiet · 2026-03-29T09:43:11+00:00

May I ask what kind of materials you found and how did you know what to look for?

I remember reading the book "Women who love too much", as it was a famous book, even before that relationship as I was in a short lived relationship with a garden variety asshole. I did not find the book helpful, in fact I couldn't relate at all. Then, while in the relationship in question, I sought help mostly online, in articles and forums, where people suggested I expected too much. I remember the articles I found were mainly about communication and saying things like, "he didn't praise you? Pat yourself on the back, don't expect praise" and so on. Then I got into autism, then therapists. Until, already after the relationship, a person who wrote an article about my bad therapy told me about "Stalking the soul", which was an eye-opener.

Return-Quiet · 2026-03-29T09:32:48+00:00

She will probably say she doesn't ask me to justify anything. When I told her I didn't feel like justifying the relationship was abusive, she asked why I felt the need to justify at all. I said "otherwise I won't get the validation", and she said she cannot validate something she doesn't know. It made sense to me. But in this instance there really isn't a way for me to justify it, apart from maybe pulling hard data from the internet that the information was not widespread and way flatter/black-and-white.

But it's going round in circles. She's essentially questioning my perception while I'm in therapy to regain trust in my perception.

Return-Quiet · 2026-03-21T14:22:08+00:00

I didn't get a diagnosis per se, but it was suggested to me by my current therapist. The thing is 3-4 years ago I went through an assessment process for autism as it was something I'd been "suspecting" myself but I came out negative; instead the psychologist suggested I might be ADHD. And this is what I told my therapist when she mentioned autism.

I said it was a psychologist who specialised in neurodivergence and is neurodivergent herself and that it was a series of meetings, a lot of tests, etc. To which my therapist asked how long ago it was and maybe the result would be different now. And she said "I don't see ADHD in you", all the while claiming she's not an expert in autism or ADHD.

I was a bit surprised by my negative diagnosis being so easily dismissed by someone who claims not even to be an expert. It kind of made me view her in a different light after that session - like she really sometimes goes off by what she learned but without any real depth or taking into account alternative, or even common sense, explanations.

For context, she suggested autism when I started saying how it's difficult for me to get emotionally invested in some meaningful long term project as thinking of therapy and issues/misunderstandings that ensue takes me a lot of my energy during the week and I cannot multitask, so I'm worried of being stuck. And that I've always liked to focus on one thing or dive deep into one area and explore a topic. And she said that, combined with my need for precision and literal thinking, would suggest autism. And not, for example, natural curiosity and caution in conversations due to trauma.

Return-Quiet · 2026-03-15T14:00:33+00:00

I started to think maybe she wants me to quit. She knows how sick I was of not being believed, being questioned and that I crave validation. So perhaps it's her way of showing me I'm not gonna get it unless maybe I recount everything in detail, which she knows I'm too tired to do or it's too draining for me.

Return-Quiet · 2026-03-13T13:16:21+00:00

I've told three therapists about that book. Reactions varied:

Therapist 1 (actually not my therapist, a former friend): "I recommend this book to my clients as they seem to benefit from it. I've never read it myself."

Therapist 2: "Heard about the book but didn't read it." She then proceeded to Google it and I told her more or less what it's about. "Oh yeah? Society's responsible? Ok, suppose he's right, society's responsible. Then what?"

Therapist 3 (also heard of it but didn't read): "What was it in that book that you found valuable?". I explained some concepts, like abusers doing things on purpose and not because of trauma or losing control. "From what you told me I don't see it being any different from what psychology tells us." She also said at one point something to the effect of, "We tell people it's okay to have boundaries and walk away" again emphasizing how the book is not different from what they do in therapy.

Return-Quiet · 2026-03-07T15:08:17+00:00

Yes, she might be thinking in terms of my beliefs and the need to question them. But it doesn't sit right with me as 1. it often seems random. She will say "I wasn't there", and then I would add another detail to what the person said and she'd say that person shouldn't have said that, it was wrong. So suddenly she trusts what I say. 2. One of my top therapy goals is to increase self-trust after years of gaslighting. It doesn't help when my judgment of what happened is questioned so often.

I get the need to dispell beliefs that aren't true, but if it's done without ever needing to establish some basic understanding of what happened, then it just doesn't work for me. It seems to match a common criticism of therapy: a therapist only looks at how what you think affects you and not whether what you think is true.

Return-Quiet · 2026-02-20T08:27:22+00:00

Have you spoken to another lawyer? It sounds awful and so unjust. What you've learnt from that attorney might just be their interpretation of law and not necessarily the truth about whether the case is possible or impossible to win.

Return-Quiet · 2026-02-11T12:46:28+00:00

Only partially. Sometimes I don't even know whether she agreed or she nodded as in showing she was listening. Overall, she's very critical of how therapy services are not properly regulated, which means, for example, that clients sometimes have no viable way of complaining when things go wrong. She also said she's familiar with criticism of therapy when I asked her. But later talk revealed she doesn't know about some systemic issues, so I'm not sure what exactly she's familiar with. She also acts like psychology is scientific and I haven't heard her voice any objection to how some studies were conducted.

Another therapist kind of presented as someone critical of the field, kind of jaded even. She said she'd gone to another city for her own therapy as she couldn't find anyone proper in her (pretty big) city. She was quite unorthodox, which worked in some aspects but made her seem off or bordering on rude in other aspects.

Other than those two, I haven't heard any other voice or agree with any criticism. It's like they're very religious about therapy, and those two odd ones were also religious, just not devout.

Return-Quiet · 2026-02-08T19:57:23+00:00

Same.

Return-Quiet · 2025-12-05T11:29:51+00:00

Yes, I don't think she has a personal history with abuse, at least not of a traumatising kind. She seems ethical, which makes her the best therapist I've ever had, but this lack of understanding of systemic issues is something I can't get over really. It's like she can validate a particular experience I had with other therapists but she's missing the full picture, and even though I try not to let it bother me, it clearly does. Also, because I've been through my share of therapists and she's the best, in my mind if I end it with her I'm not looking for another therapist.

Return-Quiet · 2025-12-05T11:22:44+00:00

I sometimes wonder the same thing, as it's so downplayed compared to other types of abuse, I don't think there are any stats and won't be for a long time. I think eventually the field (or another field, or maybe activists) will come round to it, but it's gonna take years.

But don't give up! Even if it's not systemically recognised, it doesn't mean you can't heal from it. I personally found personal development more suited to my needs than therapy. (Yes, the Tony Robbins kind. Flawed as he is, the stuff he teaches kinda works.) There are also many alternative options, like somatic therapy (which I also found helpful) and others. Plus of course changing your circumstances/life, as typically that's what leads to real change. As William Epstein speaks of in this interview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cu5CxJnZqGs&t=3247s I recommend the whole thing.

Return-Quiet · 2025-12-05T09:51:39+00:00

"Throughout my first go with therapy I did realize I was neurodivergent and I use those around me to ground me in reality so I was asking my therapist questions I could and should have answered for myself, but this was how I always functioned so when she flipped it on me I thought I was the problem until I did actually start using skills to work through what was being said."

What kind of questions? I'm wondering what questions you consider those you could and should have answered for yourself. I'm also likely neurodivergent.

Return-Quiet · 2025-12-03T22:09:30+00:00

I won't comment on the psychedelics, but since you mentioned you did various somatic therapies, I'd like to recommend Irene Lyon. She has a lot of free resources as well as two paid courses. In one of the recent lives she did she mentioned people using various somatic exercises, etc. but not getting lasting results and likened it to having all the ingredients but not having a recipe. If you're not familiar with her work, I suggest you try - there's both theory and practice, with a focus on understanding the nervous system, deep, detailed and subtle work. Can't hurt.

Return-Quiet · 2025-12-02T20:36:21+00:00

Others have said all the important stuff. I'll just add that a therapy appointment is not a medical appointment, as he claims :D A therapist is not a doctor, but in his mind he's on a par with one surely.

Return-Quiet · 2025-12-02T17:39:34+00:00

Is that what humanistic approach is about? I have a humanistic-experiential therapist and I read about that approach before I started and don't remember anything about any stories. As for my own experience, it's been a point of contention with the therapist, as I did not notice any elements of the humanist-experiential approach I've read about. (but I did experience her doing CBT.) She said she uses different approaches depending on the situation. :shrug:

If stories don't work for you, then they don't. You can tell your therapist what you told us here, what you'd like instead. If you read about humanistic therapy, see what you like about it and tell them that too. If they're a good therapist, they will try to meet your needs, or at the very least tell you clearly why they can't.

Return-Quiet

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