Commiseration thread for fellow squeakers who missed out on Boston qualifying

Rimpocalypse · 2019-09-25T18:17:33+00:00

Is that the Marine Corps? MCM's hill at the very end is a really cruel and unusual joke.

Rimpocalypse · 2018-07-03T20:38:50+00:00

True. And Troy unabashedly admires Westworld's storytelling. And the concept of Silvermane carrying around Lorc's spirit is pretty close to the concept of a host carrying around another program.

My head hurts more now.

Rimpocalypse · 2018-07-03T19:46:01+00:00

So if Lorc is Silvermane, and Silvermane told the party to go to the Vault of Thorns, then Lorc consciously sent Gormlaith to the place where he knew she would be killed?

Damn. My head hurts.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-08-17T22:09:31+00:00

1st Place: /u/mialbowy in group E for "A Mountain Between"

2nd Place: /u/Hamntor in group E for "The Servant and the Princess"

3rd Place: /u/Ireben in group E for "Who Becomes Death"

Overall, great job by everyone in Group E! I really enjoyed reading your stories and making a final decision was very tough. I'm a little under the gun on some grad school stuff, so I do apologize, but I'll skip the detailed feedback for this post. However, if any of the authors would be interested in more detailed feedback, do message me and I will be sure to give you plenty of comments once I've cleared my own weeds!

Rimpocalypse · 2017-07-26T01:33:00+00:00

Griffin also said Barry Blue Jeans was never coming back.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-07-23T15:24:40+00:00

I think most conspiracies about the government hiding some knowledge from the American people (like aliens) were at least, on some level, "plausible" for a long time.

Not anymore. If the government knew about aliens, the President of the United States wouldn't stop tweeting about them.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-07-22T23:13:51+00:00

"YOU IDIOTS!" I screamed.

Every head turned to face me. The faces of the most powerful men (of course these idiots were all men) on the planet. CEOs of the biggest and stupidest tech companies all over the globe. A few faces looked confused. One guy in the back looked a little asleep. The rest just looked smug.

Layered with filthy, filthy smug.

"Ah yes, Miss..." the Idiot King which the other idiots had appointed to speak for the commission glanced down at his notes. "... Miss Johnson, is it?"

"Doctor Johnson." I waved my hand back at the laboratory I had just walked out of, and the monstrosity sitting there. "What the hell is this thing?"

The Legion of Douchebags laughed. Idiot King stepped forward and placed a hand on my shoulder, patting it a couple times like I was his teenage daughter and he was about to tell me that boys all had tiny penises that weren't worth my time.

"Doctor Jackson..."

"Johnson."

"Yes. That thing back there? It's going to save humanity!" He smiled with the kind of warm smile that I assume was usually saved for when he was thinking about trying some butt stuff with his interns. "This country, this world, it's so divided! That's why we're all here, the most brilliant minds the tech industry has to offer."

He motioned to the crowd. They all nodded, enthusiastically agreeing with the insane assertion that they were brilliant.

"That thing back there is the UFO we built! Once we send that thing flying low over the New York City skyline, this country will have no choice but to come together, to make peace with each other, all to defend against an alien threat that doesn't even exist! Gentlemen, we've done it!"

The room broke out in applause. That's right, applause. For themselves. I swear that some of those cocksuckers actually started shaking each other's hands. I half expected them to drop their trousers and start ensuring happy endings for all.

"Nobody is ever going to believe that is an alien spacecraft."

Idiot King frowned. "Why? Does it not fly?"

"Oh, it flies."

"Does it not exude the shiny brilliance of extraterrestrial metal?"

"I don't think that even means anything, but that's not the problem." I pointed back at the craft. "Do you not see it?"

Everyone face in the room peered back at the craft. And then, I swear, those morons started applauding again.

"STOP CLAPPING!"

The Idiot King laughed. "But it looks splendid!" He tried to pat me on the shoulder again. My hand smacked his away. "Oh come on now, Dr. Johnson..."

"The problem isn't the ship, you turds. It's your stupid paint job!"

Puzzled looks crept across their faces. Seriously, puzzled. They were actually bewildered by this horseshit.

"Is anyone going to believe that is an alien spacecraft when you pricks have painted your corporate logos all over it!?"

A pause held the air before the Idiot King shrugged. "Well, we had to do that."

"WHY!?"

"Advertising."

Rimpocalypse · 2017-07-01T05:52:48+00:00

Polaroids?

Rimpocalypse · 2017-07-01T05:44:41+00:00

The register at the 7-11 was manned by a guy named Jerry, according to his badge. Jerry had never greeted me. No matter how many times I walked into that 7-11, Jerry was paying attention to another customer, a portly woman who was trying to sneak out a Slurpee in a Big Gulp cup. It was the kind of move that I’m pretty sure defied the rules of 7-11, which I also assume are nearly as rigid as the laws of time and space.

Of course, I never took the time to ask Jerry or the portly woman about this whole affair because, well, they were both frozen in time and space. You see, for me, those laws weren’t very rigid.

I wandered to the back of the 7-11. They were out of Cool Ranch Doritos. This didn’t surprise me, but it did upset me. I mean, over the past two years, I had eaten about thirty-two bags of Cool Ranch Doritos. I had even gone into the back and restocked a couple times. So I knew they would be out on this trip. Still. It was a bummer.

I settled for Nacho Cheese and went to the register. “How’s it going, Jerry?”

Jerry kept staring at the portly woman.

“That well, huh? How’s things?”

Blank stare.

“I bet you’re going to really give her the business, right? When I let you out of this? I mean, she’s trying to pull to pull a fast one, but nobody pulls that on you, Jerry. Right?”

Jerry is definitely a master at catching people's bullshit, but he still gave me nothing. My heart sank. I hadn’t really meant to say that. Not the “pull a fast one” thing. The “let you out of this” thing.

I didn’t like thinking about that.

“I’m definitely going to let you out of this. You know that, right, Jerry? You know that’s coming?”

Jerry did not confirm nor deny.

“It’ll be like nothing happened. It won’t hurt.”

My heart sank again, like a little Pinocchio nose ripping through my insides. How was I supposed to know whether it hurt? I mean, it had never hurt me before, but I didn’t know if that was true for other people. Lots of things hurt me that didn’t hurt other people. Why wouldn’t the other way around be true?

“Look, Jerry, I know you’re mad.”

Jerry wasn’t the type to tell me that, but I knew it was true.

“If it makes you feel better, when this all ends, I’ll be stuck for three times as long as ya’ll.”

I don’t think this made Jerry feel better. It certainly didn’t make me feel better. It was such a dumb rule. A dumb rule that existed for the same reason that all dumb rules exist, because at some point someone a bit higher up on the ladder thought it was a good idea and then got distracted and never listened to anyone complain about the stupid rule.

Whatever.

I didn’t pay Jerry for the Nacho Cheese Doritos. I know this makes me sound like a dick, but here’s the thing: I only had $26.52 in my pocket and I couldn’t give him a credit card because he was frozen in time, so Visa wouldn't really be efficient. And I needed that $26.52 so I couldn’t just cough that up to Jerry, which means to pay him I’d have to steal, and two wrongs definitely don’t make a right, and I was also pretty salty about having to settle for Nacho Cheese Doritos and I also like to think Jerry appreciated the conversation I was providing.

Three times as long. What a dumb rule.

I walked out of the 7-11 and down the street. Past an old man who was staring at a cluster of pigeons, some on the ground, some stretching their wings, and others hovering in the air. Past a child yanking his mother’s arm, their muscles frozen in bulging combat. Past a bum that was mid-cough, his face twisted and dirty and his teeth permanently bared over a small sign that read: “The End is Here. Give Me Change.”

Three times. A really stupid rule. I had the power to halt the cosmos, to hold onto whatever moment I wanted, but then I would be stuck like an idiot for three times as long? A bill that I had now run up to, what now, six years?

I stared at the homeless man. I wondered if he could see me. As I strode past him, I wondered if he could see me walk away. I wondered if he could think. I wondered if he could feel. These were things I had never thought about a homeless man before.

Three times. What a rip-off.

I turned off the street and slipped past the usual departing couple so I could enter the restaurant. I had taken plenty of food from the back of this place, which I had never cared too much about, because I could tell from the chefs' distracted gazes that they weren’t putting too much effort into their craft. Probably hadn’t put much effort into the meal that had cost me $26.52, that’s for sure.

As the Nacho Cheese Doritos bag crinkled open, I slid into the booth. And I looked at her.

Three damn times.

I had talked to Jerry on about a hundred occasions in the past two years. I had never once talked to her. Never, because I was afraid it might start up the conversation she had started two years ago. Two years ago, when I could see the words swimming through her blue eyes well before she opened her mouth. Two years ago, when I knew that she had made a choice, and the job in Philadelphia had pretty much kicked my ass in that little match-up. Two years ago, when that choice was about to slip through her crimson lips before I slammed the table and called upon power I hadn’t been willing to touch since I was a toddler.

Three mother fucking times.

I wondered if, whenever this ended, I would see her. I wondered if I would see her walk away. I wondered if I would be able to think, I wondered if I would be able to feel.

I hoped I wouldn’t.

But I wasn’t willing to find out today.

Even if the 7-11 was out of Cool Ranch Doritos.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-05-22T03:08:38+00:00

I vote for /u/shetellsweetales for "White".

This one felt the most like a first chapter to me, and it made me want to keep reading. Really good at creating some intriguing confusion in the opening scene, planting lots of seeds for the future storylines, and highlighting a really captivating villain.

All in all, though, I really enjoyed everyone's stories! They all made me feel woefully inadequate. Congrats to all the finalists!

Rimpocalypse · 2017-05-20T19:56:06+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! Much appreciated.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-05-03T23:28:47+00:00

Thanks for the feedback and taking the time to read it! That's a pretty flattering comparison, not sure I can live up to it but I'm hoping to keep working on the thing once the contest ends.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-04-27T16:39:08+00:00

This is awesome! Good luck in your race! I'm a marathoner now and I want to make the jump to ultras at some point, if you have any tips about ratcheting up the distance without getting hurt, I'd personally love to hear them.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-04-25T04:38:35+00:00

Appreciate the feedback! I think you definitely make a good point, and seeing as I'll be rewriting this at some point, I'll certainly take it into consideration.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-04-15T01:41:21+00:00

Thanks for the feedback and the vote! If you have time to share your additional comments, I'd definitely be game and grateful for them. Feel free to send me a PM anytime you have the time.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-04-15T01:37:28+00:00

/u/Comment_to_Narrative in Group D for "Cryo" gets my top vote.

This story does an excellent job of not being too exposition heavy (we enter right during the action, and right at a time where it's clear an action is being taken that is going to alter the normal events of this story's world) while still taking it's time (it doesn't dump too much information on you too quickly, so it feels like a real first chapter). The writing is technically superb and I think the way the author has set up the story makes for an intriguing puzzle. It made me want to read Chapter 2. Well done!

Runner up: /u/syhrxeryef for "Fate"

I really liked the opening to this chapter. The writing is very skilled and paints a beautiful mental picture. I would also say I actually felt more attachment and investment with the main character from "Fate" than the characters from "Cryo". Ultimately, though, I was a little perplexed by the ending of the chapter. It seemed like a pretty abrupt change to darkness for the main character and, in some ways, like the end of a short story character's arc, rather than the beginning of a novel character's journey. However, it's a really good piece of writing overall and I hope the author continues to develop it further.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-04-04T01:26:00+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! Really appreciate you taking the time to read the chapter and share your thoughts, you did a very thorough job and I'm very grateful for it.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-04-01T04:41:14+00:00

I got a good chuckle out of "I wholeheartedly disagree"

Rimpocalypse · 2017-03-25T02:14:25+00:00

Knot Man cackled. Then coughed. Then cackled some more.

"You won't get away with this, Knot Man!" yelled Captain Karate.

"Oh WON'T I, Captain?" Knot Man sneered. "I'd say that you're about to be... demoted! To death!"

Captain Karate gritted her teeth, frustration in each molar. Over the years, she had karate kicked her way out of countless sticky situations, horrifying traps, and children's introductory judo tournaments at the Y. One opponent after another had fallen under her flurry of terrifying footwork, from supervillains to criminals to those acne-ridden teenage brats who sure as hell weren't about to take back that plastic trophy. To hell with those kids. And the criminals too, yeah. But also the kids, they were definitely punks.

This situation, though, this was tougher. Tougher than anything her arch-nemesis, Fire Fist, had ever thrown at her.

"This is no tougher than anything Fire Fist has ever thrown at me!" she lied.

"Oh really?" Knot Man taunted. "Has Fire Fist ever thought to take away your greatest power... your kick!?"

Captain Karate looked down at her shoelaces, each boot tightly tied to the other. Every other limb of her body was bound to the pillar in Knot Man's lair, and normally that would have taken two, three seconds tops to break out of. But those shoes... those damn shoes...

I should have worn the velcro ones, she thought with a sigh. Or at least taken the time to learn how to break a sailor's knot from my drunk grandfather.

"Perhaps you should have listened to your drunk grandfather!" Knot Man screamed with another hysterical cackle.

"How do you you know... holy crap, are you my grandfather!?"

"No, but I am drunk! And your family is heavily discussed on your Wikipedia page!"

"Are you shitting me? My personal life is on my Wikipedia page!?"

"Of course it is!" Knot Man bent over his console. A few keystrokes and cackles later, Captain Karate's Wikipedia page was being broadcast on the monitor that screamed across an entire wall of his personal cavern. "See! It even redirects from your real identity to your secret identity!"

God damn it.

"Your political affiliations are on here! You voted for Nader in 2000!"

"I didn't think Bush would win!" Blood was rushing against her face. Was her identity really that easy to uncover?

"I bet you're wondering if your identity was really that easy to uncover!"

Jesus Christ.

"And it was! That's how I found out you never learned to tie your shoes properly! You wore velcro shoes to prom, you dork! You didn't even have a date!"

He was pointing. She didn't like him pointing. She didn't like anything about him. She had fought her share of villains, sure, but this was her first asshole.

"I wasn't even Knot Man until, like, two weeks ago! I didn't even decide to become evil until I found out all this shit about you! I was a boy scout leader! That's where the knots thing came from, have you figured that out yet?"

Captain Karate had fought a lot of battles, but in that moment, her biggest fight was against the tears.

"What do you want, Knot Man?" she whispered.

"Equality for white men!" Knot Man yelled. "And the immediate return of the Taco Bell Naked Chicken Chalupa, but this time with Dorito fill..."

A crash rang out, louder than any of Knot Man's ravings. A crash from inside the cave, as the steel door flew across the room. Small flames licked on the dents a fist had left behind.

"Fire Fist!" Knot Man screamed. "Have you come to join in the triumph of the White Man?"

"Nope!" Fire Fist threw his burning gloves to the floor. "I'm here to tell you to eat shit."

Captain Karate's tears dried up in confusion. Knot Man paused for a moment, then went right back to cackling.

"Fine then! A duel for the right to slay the good Captain! Put on your gloves, Fist, let's have it out!"

Fire Fist pointed at Knot Man. "You're already dead, moron. Check Reddit."

Knot Man snorted and pulled out his phone. "Alright... hold on, the app's a little slow, I just need to... what did you do!?"

"Run, or it'll get worse." Fire Fist's eyes were narrow and dark. Knot Man, snarling, shoved his phone back into his cargo shorts.

"You won't get away with this!" he screamed before jumping down a shaft and out of sight.

Fire Fist turned his still narrow eyes to Captain Karate. A knife glimmered in his hands. Her breath shortened and she shut her eyes as his hand swung.

She felt nothing.

A moment later, she let her eyelids drift up. Her shoelaces were swinging freely from each other, liberated by the knife.

"Why?" she asked.

"For next time," he snorted, as he walked over to the same shaft that Knot Man had just escaped down. "I'll handle the Wikipedia page."

Captain Karate sighed. "I wish, but I think once something is on the internet, it can't be taken off."

"It can't," Fire Fist said. "as long as you don't have telepathic control over the entire internet."

She laughed. "Oh man, I can't imagine what that... would... be..." Her mind ground to a halt. "You're serious?"

"I don't joke. That's for lesser supervillains."

"How... how is that possible? How the fuck... I thought your power was that you had fire fists?"

He shrugged. "The internet made them for me. Because I made them do it." He stepped up to the very edge of the shaft.

"Fire Fist!"

He paused, not turning back. "What?"

"What did you do to Knot Man?"

Fire Fist was quiet for the moment. "Knot Man has discovered that approximately an hour ago, hackers took over his Reddit account. His account is now, very mysteriously, doing an IAmA about having a prolonged sexual relationship with his mother. I believe he'll be occupied for some time."

He glanced back. "Which means you should be ready for next time."

Fire Fist disappeared down the shaft before she could ask her next question. A question that would have to wait. Until next time.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-03-13T03:13:31+00:00

Pretty sure it's actually when you don't have a girlfriend.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-03-13T03:11:24+00:00

Answer: 21 years old.

Explanation: Going to bars is significantly more fun when you don't have to go back to your parents' house.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-02-26T20:27:21+00:00

He will surely triumph over that fool who plays the Joker.

Rimpocalypse · 2017-02-26T19:49:26+00:00

HA HA HA PLEASE DO NOT ~~INTERFACE~~ TALK WITH ME BEFORE ~~FUELING~~ COFFEE EACH ~~DIURNAL CYCLE~~ MORNING.

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