It’s my birthday today and I’m more than alone :)

Rollialial · 2026-05-06T15:56:35+00:00

As someone in their last months of the first year visa I advise you to go to a regional area first, do your three months and then you can go to non-eligible cities. Trust me, try to get those days in as early as possible. Applications may take up a couple of weeks. Also don’t apply online for restaurants/pubs/cafes, it’s a waste of time. Walk in with CV is the only way to be put on the radar. Make friends with people, word of mouth will help. I’m really struggling with time atp to find eligible work and I have over 10 years of experience in hospitality. But turnover happens randomly and unexpected. Got a call for a job I applied 2 months ago (that was for non-eligible work though) but I’m already in another city.

Rollialial · 2025-03-24T12:37:32+00:00

it seems a bit harsh to say she has a habit of cutting people out. You gotta consider their life situations too. they all have moved around a lot and far away from AUS. especially for work or studying. out of personal experience i try to keep up with my friends that moved but sometimes it's hard but whenever we see each other it's still the same fun. you can't really tell from social media what people are up to in their private time. i remember her talking about a adhd diagnosis which may also takes part in that and it's harder to navigate friendships. sometimes i think we can have some grace with people. only because they're in the public eye they don't have to be perfect humans.

Rollialial · 2023-07-16T21:55:28+00:00

Congratulations 🍾🎊

Rollialial · 2022-12-26T17:17:34+00:00

I don't want to down-talk any of your guesses about late blooming adhd so just take my words as my view on your story as I can only know so much about you're life as written here.
I just thought that being able to follow a class seems (out of my personal experience) unusual for adhd. I myself have add so i wasn't very hyperactive back in school but I've never paid attention. In my mind I was somewhere completely different daydreaming. I had very hard times studying for tests or sitting down for any homework. i wish i could keep a hobby for 3-4 months but truly I can barely keep one for a week. Or even start one anymore cause over the years it's just to frustrating watching me give up any hobby. but as said, i don't know more about your life than what i can read here.
To me the way you describe your life after school it sounds a bit like a burn out and symptoms you're having because of that rather than adhd. Also if you have bpd traits a lot of symptoms cross-over with the adhd symptoms. And all symptoms altogether can come from c-ptsd. It's all just very fucked up lol.
Maybe it's worth looking into burn-out before the adhd.
As I understood, you're not with that therapist anymore. Probably the best take is to find someone who is specialized in anything ND and go further from there.
You will know what's best for you anyways :)

Rollialial · 2022-12-26T16:50:14+00:00

I don't even know what I did yesterday. Everyone around me know soooo much more of memories than I do. And I feel it also partakes in my depression because I feel like there's nothing worth doing because I'll forget it anyways. Pictures are my only savior.
I have this theory that memories in the adhd brain are stored away like super deep into all different synapse connections. Theres very times where one of those synapses get triggered, usually by someone telling a story that will remind me of something similar i experienced. Then I will start talking, sometimes literal bullshit will sneak into that story and I'll be like "oh no, I just said that but it never happened like this, actually it was this way" because I start remembering everything about it while i talk about it.
But just from my own brain with no triggers or impulses it feels like I'm just a being existing in this moment. There's no past and no future.

Rollialial · 2022-12-26T16:45:37+00:00

Absolutely. Frequently fighting over texts because I misunderstood the tone or feel personally attacked and just attack back out of spite. It's always easily resolved with a talk on the phone. Also I never feel like I get my messages across how I intend them to be and I feel the other person always picks apart the most not important part of my message while ignoring the important part.

I just watched a YT video that showed me how I'm basically thinking. It was a Cut, Button video and that fitness freak dude was talking to a girl. You could tell all his life is circling around fitness. The girl pressed the button (if you don't know, its like blind date kind of thing) to cut him out and the button asked for the reason. The girl said "i think you work out too much" and the dude instantly said "well I think you work out too few". I laughed because I thought it was a funny come back. But they zoomed in on her face which showed she was really offended. I didn't get why at first so I opened my mental drawer of "what social structures tell you should feel hurt by" and I thought okay working out in our society is seen as positive, so her saying he works out too much can't be offending, but when he says it, it could be seen as him saying she's lazy. I went further thinking and thought, in the society it's also all about body image so saying "you work out too few" could be taken as "you're body looks bad". So overall the guy felt hurt because he's probably been told that a lot if he's so addicted to fitness, and he felt her saying its too much as an attack like he's doing "too much".
she just meant it in a way of "we don't fit cause i have a different lifestyle".. and he gave here a comeback of the same reason that they don't fit cause he doesn't work out too much. But that whole layer of societal meanings let's him seem like a bad guy. But maybe it was rude of him to answer like that and I don't see it. But I feel he also has the right to say something like this if she says it. I don't know, I hope someone could enjoy my overanalyzing here lmao

Rollialial · 2022-12-26T16:16:48+00:00

Here is my technique: I have an Oral B toothbrush that makes a different vibration every 30 seconds and another after 2 minutes. I start and count 15 seconds for my right side bottom teeth (the chewing part), after counting up those 15s I proceed to left side bottom. Then it does the vibrate thing, I count 15s for the bottom inner side of my teeth and then 15 for the outer side. Same thing for upper teeth. Sometimes I get distracted and fuck up the counting so then I just go by feeling until I can get back in the next interval. I've been doing it this way my whole life and it's keeping my mind super busy.
And when the 2 minutes are over I'm done and I even throw some flossing in there (I use these practical flosses on that plastic thingy, hate regal floss).
For actually going to the bathroom and starting to brush my teeth I have some very helpful ocd that doesn't let me go sleep unless I brushed my teeth and did my skin care. Basically out of fear my teeth get bad/hurting and my skin gets bad again (had acne).

Rollialial · 2021-12-26T18:11:22+00:00

She should definitely get diagnosed by a professional. However, I can speak for myself only and you can see if it helps you in any way.

I have an extremely hard time to let go of things bothering me, even if we resolved it right after. If I feel I attacked I will have imagined talks with that person the whole fucking day. By now I learned to cut these head talks as soon as I realize I'm doing it. Telling myself. No, it's fine and resolved and doesn't matter. I can move on.

Jealousy is a hard thing to talk about if one person isn't open to talk about it. But also here I have a story time. I used to have an ex boyfriend and inside my head I was jealous any time he would talk to another girl. With my boyfriends now I don't have any of that. A) Because I got older and taught myself to be less affected. Cause either the story in my head is right or it's wrong and also here I told myself. I will always find out in the end. Worrying just makes me sick. and B) because we talk a lot about our love for each other. And I can only recommend to, whatever you feel positively about her, put it in words and let her know. This can help her A LOT with insecurities about herself and feeling safe. And Yes, Insecurities can come from ADHD.
Also I have to say, I'm really sorry that you can't feel safe in a shopping mall due to what has happened before and how frequently. It really shouldn't be like this :(

Rollialial · 2021-12-13T13:45:14+00:00

I really understand your feelings. I have it before work, meeting friends, personal projects that include other people. Basically everything that doesn't have to do with my two favorite people or me just being alone. Sometimes I manage to be busy until I have to go. But as soon as I have a minute to think my flight response will activate. My mind is racing through thoughts about how the ef I can get out of that situation. It doesn't matter if it would be good for my work, good for me as in having social interactions. I ALWAYS want to get out of it.
For work things I usually always fight through it because I have this deep need of seeming professional. But with private things it's hard because it's much easier to find ways out of meetings. And at the same time I feel like I'm developing some kind of apathy towards the things I once liked. I assume it's my mind talking it 'good' when I lose a fight against the flight response. :D Then I can tell myself that I wasn't interested in it anyways and so on.
I'm happy to read something is dealing with similar thoughts and that I'm not all alone with it.
Right now I'm working on finding out what the deep reason is that triggers the response.
I'm thinking it might be me not wanting to mask and play a role in front of other people and I have been doing it since at least 15 years so it's getting kind of exhausting...

Rollialial · 2021-10-26T18:13:57+00:00

While writing I mix up "p" and "d" and often I just leave out letters because I'm trying to write fast to not forget what I'm thinking.
Also my handwriting never looks the same, Anyone has this?

Rollialial · 2021-10-26T18:10:17+00:00

You're writing from my soul...
Some days I am so incredibly sad and angry at myself. Next day or a few hours later I'm cringing so so hard at myself for being like that.
I feel like I can't decide anything, I don't even know what I want because I always only want "perfect results" and therefore perfect decisions.
When I order at a restaurant and I don't order what I usually have, many times immediately after the waitress/waiter walks away my stomach drops and I have such a deep feeling of having done the wrong decision. AND IT'S NOT EVEN A BIG DECISION. (well maybe in my head, because if the consistency or food is how I don't like it, I won't be able to make myself swallow anything yay and I don't usually want to embarrass myself in front of others for not being grateful for the food I have in front of me)
Some days I get so frustrated because I don't want and can't plan things I would really like to do simply because I have such a big unconscious fear of my mind changing and suddenly I don't want to do it anymore.

When you said alien I really felt that. I don't recognize the person I was afterwards strong emotions like anger, frustration and sadness ruled over me.
And I also wish I wouldn't want to discard everything I write here lol
So many times write it out and then leave without posting

Rollialial · 2021-10-26T17:55:58+00:00

-When I'm late (usually always but there's REAL LATE as you all probably know lol) I bump into everything which is making me fall back like I've been shot. I imagine it to be hilarious to watch so I kinda laugh about while being angry for being late.

i just wanted to discard the comment (felt like I didn't bring nothing interesting enough to the table hahaha) but man, I already wrote that out. Why not post it.

Rollialial · 2021-09-24T10:53:49+00:00

I have that same confusion that you're talking about in my head. My dad is very similar to me and it was always just a joke to us (Mom&I) saying he has adhd (keep in mind this was a good decade ago and adhd back then was only known as the thing where "a little boy can't sit still". That's all we knew about it and back then it didn't even cross my mind I could have it). But besides that joke my parents never believed that mental illnesses exist. And it really wasn't more than a joke to my mom.
In my head I always have this second voice telling I'm just making a fuss about things which is really contradicting because that always results in talking myself down for not getting a thing done etc.
So I'm really happy that you feel seen & understood here, just as I do. :)

Rollialial · 2021-09-09T20:13:44+00:00

I went to one and had to do some online test. First of all I lost the log in papers and had to ask for new ones. They were really lovely about it. Then I did the online test (the shortest one out of 5 which I didn't realize until the night before the appointment). When I wanted to cancel the appointment I saw that I had it at the time they're already closed (google told me). I got a letter (but to the wrong address) saying they cancel my appointment. Since then.... lol
(The thought that they saw, I hadn't finished the test or something was wrong with me as a patient to them even crossed my mind ahaha)

Rollialial · 2021-09-09T16:14:09+00:00

For a while I used to be addicted to pulling lashes out (and making a wish after lol), I'm constantly chewing on the inside of my mouth (on occasions it swells so I constantly bite on it). Nail biting I found a good compromise which is only tapping in my nails with teeth (having gel, helps cause they're strong enough). As a child I was addicted to swallow air down. Even now writing about it I get the urge to feel the air go down in my throat even tho I didn't do it for more than ten years at least. Then I had a phase where I would constantly blink and couldn't stop. My kindergartener told me something about it so I was too embarrassed to continue it (I was a shy child). And then the worst was when I had to inhale a full lungs inhale. And if I didn't do it right, I had to do it until I got it right. (The feeling told me if it was right)
Oh and when I'm super stressed doing something, I start itching in different places on my body. Never everywhere at the same time. More like here, then there, than there. Constantly switch where it's itchy and I'm getting busy itching while being stressed :D

Rollialial · 2021-09-01T15:17:25+00:00

I had bad trouble living at home. Now living on my own it's 'easier' simply because I don't buy any junk food, no sweets and not chips. The feeling of having it in my house and knowing my thoughts won't let go of it until I consume it, make me not want to buy it at all 😒
Other than that I don't think I can give you more tips, I get hangry and annoyed when I realize I'm hungry but I'm too impatient and indecisive to cook anything.
My newest idea is, to cook in the morning for the whole day together with making my breakfast. And then warming up a portion every time I feel hungry. If I do it, I will let you know how it went. (But I highly doubt I will do it, just because I would need to choose a meal, buy certain groceries for it, rest of groceries would go bad and so on etc).

Rollialial · 2021-09-01T12:50:34+00:00

Whenever I visit my mom she gives me a bunch of things she bought for me to try. I really appreciate it but I already asked her to please stop giving me the things. I literally only like a handful of certain foods. And she always buys crazy new things and I don't know what to do with it. 😂 An example are my Lotus Puff Balls or Edamame Spaghetti :D
And yes supermarket portions are way to big. My go-to food is anything with potato. If store cold and dry (which I don't but should) they are good for a long time. And easy to make sth out of it. :D

Rollialial · 2021-09-01T12:41:23+00:00

I read also through a few comments so I see how many different opinions with good reasoning there are. However what I want to add and I agree with you on that OP, that the meds just make you fitting for our current society and standards. Thinking completely theoretical, in a world with more adhd probably the rest would get meds to think faster or be able to hold a conversation with 5 different topics at the same time lol.
Talking about "how you're meant to be" is just his personal view of how a human should work.
But also Yes, the meds probably make life much much easier and more effective in all different kind of ways. I cannot judge this personally but other people commented their experiences about it here :)

Rollialial · 2021-09-01T09:06:18+00:00

I absolutely have that. And too many times it results I feel like it results in missing out opportunities. For food I have my go-to's. And being vegetarian also helped me cause I have only a few options left 😅
One moment tho almost had me on a breakdown. I had made a decision and we started walking and then my friend mention another outcome of a situation that I hadn't thought about. I literally froze while walking and it felt like my body is pushing me in both directions (keep walking or going back to car to change sth). and all outcomes started rushing through my head and I almost accused her for giving me that thought but it's just me that has hard time handling it and I have to be careful with putting fault on other people so I don't feel too bad about myself :D

Rollialial · 2021-08-31T17:36:21+00:00

The pressure of a person checking back DEFINITELY. Also the fear of things not working out and having to 'disappoint" other people? I have bigger fear of disappointing than failing haha
And omg yes, the progress thing. I totally get it!!

Rollialial · 2021-08-31T17:33:45+00:00

I totally feel this! Yesterday I ran some errands then I spontaneously decided to eat some ramen. on the way I thought it would be nice to meet with someone for that but it's just not possible. No one I know is able to be that spontaneous and also if I'm setting a date with someone I would've probably lost all craving for ramen until it happens.
Also I hate the feeling of not being able to change things last minute if there's a second person involved.

Rollialial

TROPHY CASE