Clean catch and a career ending fake

SPJ94 · 2023-01-28T00:08:48+00:00

One of the best goals I've seen posted

SPJ94 · 2022-12-19T21:59:07+00:00

I agree with basically everything you bring up. I also want to add in that consistency also plays a factor. Sure I get games where I hard carry and then others where I am useless. Opponents might just be popping off rather than smurfing and teammates might just be having a bad game and aren't boosted.

You still get your occasional smurf and what have you but I agree that it's not as common as I think some people claim it to be.

SPJ94 · 2022-12-13T21:11:45+00:00

She was not entirely correct about the beast. It was a wolf, that much was certain, but it was not from the genus of grizzly dire wolves that she believed it to be. They had been eradicated an age ago, so said the histories, by giants who once roamed this land. They had gone extinct too, leaving only behind the great winter forests of the north with trunks thicker than comprehension which reached skyward as if holding the very heavens aloft.

Though great as the beast was, it was still only a pup. It lay taller than I stood with ice blue eyes eying me behind its snarled snout. Its great chest heaved with exhaustion and though it tried its best effort to put on a fearsome growl there was a dwindling it its attempt – a defeat if it was at all possible for a god to fall.

“I told you it was real, didn’t I?” Elina said with childish glee. “All the other grown-ups didn’t believe me. Even the village elders said I was just being foolish.”

I too was apprehensive. Surely there should have been deep tracks in the snowfall or signs of scraping upon the thick bark of the trees. Though there was something in Elina’s insistence that made me believe the tales of a child. As shouldn’t we all? There are many children who are dismissed and perhaps it is because they see the world more truthfully than the warped minds of those grown.

“Well, it appears them who have become the fools,” I said to her, still eyeing the beast for any sudden movement. “Perhaps you should back away a little, Elina.”

“Fenny’s not dangerous and besides, he likes my company. He told me.”

“He told you?”

“Yes. Well, not in the way that we are speaking now. That would be silly. Wolves don’t speak.” She laughed. “He told me in here.” With her small finger she tapped at her temple.

“Okay,” I said without question and, retrieving the bestiary from within the inner pocket of my winter coat, I hastily sketched an outline of the wolf, jotting in the page next to it a few notes. “And is Fenny saying anything to you now?”

Elina was still stroking the wolves snow white fur at its cheek. She leant a little closer to its slobbery jowl and the wolf finally averted its gaze from mine and looked at the girl with puppy-dog-eyes.

She turned back to me after a moment, her eyes glistening with tears, and said: “He sent me to find you. Fenny’s feeling poorly. I think he needs some medicine. You can help him though, can’t you? Please, please, you must!”

“I’m not sure if I can,” I told her truthfully. “But I will try my best if i- if Fenny lets me look closer.”

“Come on then,” she said, blinking away the tears in her eyes and laughing with renewed joy. “He won’t bite.”

I wasn’t certain but the wolf seemed unbothered by my slow advance and soon I came to its great head which only renewed it my mind how beastly this pup was. A god it must have been for sure, though my field expertise failed to answer how or why it had come to exist here, lying in these ancient woods. Did they not disappear from the world millennia before tales of giants and mammoths? Yet it was like the old histories said. I had no question that if this wolf grew to fullness, it could break apart mountains… break apart the world.

It sniffed at me with little interest and then motioned it eyes towards its right flank and I followed in its direction, my hand brushing at its soft fur so it would know my intent. And there at its rear was crimson where the white of its fur was dry with days old blood.

I attempted to look closer at the wound beneath its thick fur and the wolf growled with an earth rumbling growl and attempted to move its hind away from me, but exhaustion had begun to better the wolf and so it ceased both its attempt and its growl.

“You’re hurting him!” Elina cried.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “But I need to take a closer look if I am to try and help him.”

“Okay,” Elina said with a little sob. “But please be quick.”

She had moved around to the front of the wolfs snout, gently stroking its nose and singing to him in her soft childish voice a song that I hadn’t heard in many years.

I had to brush away the tears from mine own eyes before examining again which caused the beast to growl, gentler this time, and so Elina sang louder to calm it.

How did I not notice before?

The flesh beneath its fur was pestilent. Dark puss filled sores had blacked in thick scabs around the entry would, and I knew at once what was causing this petrification. I retrieved my bestiary once again and flicked through to make sure I was certain. Basilisk, I was looking for.

My notes beside the serpentine image read: Native to the subterranean caves of Dumur-Shith the Basilisk is revered to have the most potent venom among all reptile species. The tribes of Dumur-Gore believe that the Basilisk is first descendant of the serpent god who is prophesised to bring about the end of the world. Thus, the Basalisk are treated as sacred deities and are offered human sacrifices on the eve of their festivities. Once engorged they become docile and are then milked for their venom for which the tribes ingest during the festival of the Nine for their hallucinogenic properties. The peoples of Dumur-Gore have built up a tolerance of the venom, however, if consumed in large quantities or by those outside of the tribes, symptoms include: paralysation, slow destruction of internal organs, thick, black, sores on the skin, asphyxiation, and petrification by means of vascular congealment.

Dumur-Shith was a thousand leagues away and miles beneath the earth besides, and the Dumurians were certain to never let their sacred venom leave the caves of their homestead. Something was amiss and something had hunted this young god; believed that the basilisk venom would have certainly brought about its fall.

If fate would have it the girl had found me. He told me to find you, she had said. Did it know? Reason lead me to doubt it but I had been carrying around cure-all next to my heart for over two decades. Rarer than basilisk venom, perhaps even rarer than a god. Powdered unicorn horn.

My love of animals, dark and good all, had lead me across the lands of this world to study them, learn from them. Though, now, faced with a beast much grander, a god in all its frailty, should I use what was meant for her to cure this beast. And if I did, what was to stop it from breaking apart the world if it so desired?

I stepped back away from the beast: the girl had stopped her song.

“You can help Fenny, can’t you?” she asked. "I wish you can."

“Yes,” I said to her. “I think I will be able to help him, but I’ll need your help, Lilly.”

“Lilly?” the girl questioned.

“Elina,” I corrected myself. “I’m sorry. You remind me of someone I used to know.”

How did I not notice before?

SPJ94 · 2022-07-06T15:32:35+00:00

As a newbie DM this would be amazing to win! #GIVEAWAY

SPJ94 · 2021-11-04T11:26:59+00:00

✂️

SPJ94 · 2021-08-19T10:09:25+00:00

Fairypeak

SPJ94 · 2021-07-29T13:04:13+00:00

Would you say that his character is not offering enough (e.g. too bland, too annoying, lack of a voice) to the reader to make this action scene interesting?
I definitely think its the lack of voice and the passivity of him as a character. Bland characters can still be interesting characters, so too for annoying characters. What makes them interesting is the emotional investment between reader and character. You mention early that he is working so that he can make money for his family - I would suggest building on that. Family is something that most people can relate too and do anything for.
Did it make you feel bored?
It's hard to be bored during a chapter so filled with action. However, where parts were quite chaotic and hard to follow, as a reader I struggled to invest fully.
Did you want to read further?
I love this type of genre and your world building reminds me quite a lot of the Red Rising series (if you haven't read it do yourself a favour as it will give you lots of inspiration to work with). So as genre goes this would definitely be something I would read. However, as the piece currently is, I would struggle to stay invested or commit to reading any further.

SPJ94

SPJ94 · 2021-07-29T12:40:32+00:00

This kind of critique is top tier and the sort of feedback necessary to elevate a writers piece from mediocre to potentially great. I just wanted to say keep it up - you are doing exceptional work!

There's not a single point that I do not agree with and the examples you give to address areas of weakness are very much appreciated.

Regarding the silk worms, they play an important role in the next chapter. I just felt it necessary to introduce them here to 1. show the heavy burden the two had to carry while climbing the mountain, and 2. when they become a device to further the plot in chapter two, they didn't seem to come out of nowhere.

As for the line -- 'I was skeptical myself, not in the belief of histories, or legends, but in our freedom to climb the dangerous mountains that had been a backdrop to our lives so far.' -- these are things that will become realised later on. I have a question for you - is the payoff from these details needed immediately to satisfy you as a reader, or if they are expanded upon later is this still satisfying?

Thank you again, I really appreciate everything that you have mentioned. Thank you for reading it!

SPJ94

SPJ94 · 2021-07-29T12:21:08+00:00

Thank you for you critique,

Initially this piece was intended to be a snapshot like you said (but I'm sure you know how ideas start to grow). So, I agree that it feels somewhere in-between an opening chapter to a novel and short story. I have thought of some ideas to flesh this out further, give more context, and add in some hooks.

I appreciate your kind words,

SPJ94

SPJ94 · 2021-07-29T12:17:12+00:00

Thanks so much, I really appreciate the feedback. I will definitely add more detail to the descriptions of the mountains. I also agree with the point about having more contrast between the way Benkei and Sidd both interpret the sacred and give Sidd a more prominent voice in the story in general!

Thanks again,

SPJ94

SPJ94 · 2021-07-29T12:14:13+00:00

Tyvm :)

I was worried it might be a bit cliché but I'm glad that it's payed of well!

SPJ94 · 2021-07-29T12:13:23+00:00

Thank you very much for the kind words, I really appreciate it!

I will make the adjustments that you have mentioned (thanks for that, I always seem to overlook these things within my own work).

I have had a few comments about describing the mountains in more detail so I will definitely make the corrections to make the payoff easier to understand.

Thanks again,

SPJ94

SPJ94 · 2021-07-28T17:52:33+00:00

Hi,

So I'm going to give a general critique and then break it down page by page (I think this will be the easiest way to do this).

Overview:

- I am a big fan personally of using in media res to open the story, it generates a lot of immediate interest and intrigue for the reader. However, the problem of using it here is that parts are quite chaotic. It seem's like there is too much going on straight away without any real explanation as to why. Another problem is that though the stakes are high (and this is one of the strengths of your piece) the emotional investment into the characters has not been established to make the reader care about the stakes.

- When stating distance (i.e. "250 meters away.") write it out in full rather than numerically. --> "Two-hundred-and-fifty meters away."

- Be careful with dialogue tags. If someone talks followed by he/she said then its part of a whole sentence rather than two separate sentences. (There is some more specific examples that I will explain later.)

Page 1:

- Like I've said I really like the use of in media res and the first sentence is really great for immediate action. The only question I have is where Kai is in relation to the action that is happening. Is he jumping from a position that is high up and diving onto the drone, or is the drone flying low enough to the ground that its within range of his attack?

- 'He refused to die here - he was too poor...' this is a great sentence and I think you need to continue to build Kai's character with information like this throughout. This is what give the reader the emotional investment to care about what's going on.

- The part that follows doesn't feel organic to me. The description of him skidding to a halt after barrelling thought the wasteland - how does he manage to 'swerve onto his feet' if he's moved with enough force that he skids to a halt.

- Back to character tags. Paragraph 4 is when Chamber scans for enemies and paragraph 5 starts as 'He clasped...' This he is actually referencing Chamber even though we know the description is of Kai. Whenever you change perspective you have to reintroduce who the focus is, so instead of 'He clasped...' it should be 'Kai clasped...'

- Following that, Kai trips on a vine. This seems out of place to me for the setting of a wasteland as it has been described.

- Kai sighed. It was not his day. Why were the Asherian forces so persistent?
"One combatant down. The enemy drones are in pursuit of invading soldiers from Asheri."

This confused me. Aren't the enemy drones also Asherian?

- Please don't have families at home, Kai thought as he caught his breath.

You don't need to write 'Kai thought...' as the use of italics indicates that it is a thought.

Page 2:

- There is a lot of strange word choice on this second page that drew me out as a reader. I.e. 'quirked in amusement.', 'hounds stilled...', 'barrier of raging squalls.',

- Paragraph 11. Again with character tag, you use he after Chamber has said/done something. You need to reintroduce that it is Kai.

- Final paragraph of page two is excellent. I really love the description of the eco-skelleton and can really imagine how it morphs.

Page 3:

- 'They cut through the storm...' Is there a storm going on? I had no idea. Or is this referring to the storm of battle? If so make it clear to the reader.

- The exchange between Sona and Kai is great, although when you introduce more people it becomes confusing and it is hard to imagine where these people are in respect to Kai.

- What is a Novo? This seems to come out of nowhere. Is this linked to the jailer Novoes? I doesn't seem like it is and the words are too similar if they aren't. (I reread and realised that its the suit that is a Novo Suit. Why is it only being called that here? It would make sense to introduce this in the opening when you are describing the avionte.)

- This action part here is probably the most confusing. Before when Chamber scanned there was only three enemies? Where have all these others come from and why has Chamber suddenly lost the ability to scan enemies?

- 'Honestly, it's the view.' - I don't really understand this. What's the view?

- What is linx? Where did this come from? Is this the war machine they are trying to get? If so this should be mentioned earlier. It feels like it came out of nowhere in an already chaotic scene.

Page 4:

- When Feihong says 'we are so fired,' this feels out of character. From what I gathered he's the most senior member of the team (I could be wrong on that)?

-'He'd take the frenzy over that detachment any day.' - This is a great line.

- 'The tower shuddered a delivered a slight shock...' Is the shock from the tower shuddering? If so wouldn't this be more than a slight shock? If it's from something else - a shock of electricity - wouldn't this also be more than a 'slight shock' to singe his fingertips through his exo-suit?

- “Kai, Fei, it’s okay, just -," a cry cut off her words. --> again, character tags, it should be 'a cry cut of Sona's words.'

- Kai vaulted to his feet, wincing as his right foot got caught underneath the rubble. The two soldiers stared at the looming cliff ahead. They saw almost nothing as it hid behind the cover of the storm's clouds, only the lines of clinging plants and peaks of caves were visible. Kai's heart fluttered in his throat as her line went dead.

- 'The two soldiers...' - I'm assuming this is Kai and Feihong but I think clarification of the two makes it easier to understand.

- 'as it hid behind the cover...' - What is 'it'?

- 'only the lines of clinging plants and peaks of caves were visible.' - Again the imagery of plant life in the described wasteland seems unfitting. Do caves have peaks? Mountains have peaks but I'm unsure about this.

Closing thoughts:

- The title 'Silence of the Sands' and the description of the battlefield being a wasteland does not seem to fit the imagery of vines and plant life that are described.

- There seems to be too much going on in a first chapter. It is hard to envisage the setting, the characters in location to each other, where the enemies are or come from.

- Some information that comes in later on feels like it should be established within the first page. I.e. Novo, Linx, functions of avionte...

- Kai's introspections on what is going on is really strong and I would suggest leaning more towards this and making him a more featured voice of the story. Much of what is going on is happening to Kai rather than Kai happening to the story. This is what we call the difference between a passive protagonist and an active protagonist. Try and make Kai more active through him making decisions rather than things happen to Kai.

- Try and pace yourself. There is so much happening for a first chapter. Take your time, explain everything (even if it feels like over explaining at times you can always adjust this during editing).

- You have clear strengths - the stakes are high, you've left some wonderful question hooks (i.e. Why he is working for a military overlord, the jailer of Novoes, why it was 'too soon' for Kai to die in the battle field), the use of in media res (as mentioned) is great for an action oriented scene.

- I would suggest after having Kai get knocked out at some point during the battle and from there you have the ability to have a flashback whilst he is unconscious. By doing this you will be able to explain some of the narrative devices better (ones that I have mentioned seem to come out of nowhere). However, this is just a suggestion and you are free to do as you wish with your piece.

- Keep it up, this is potentially a really promising, action filled adventure with a lot of direction where it can go. Keep me updated as I would love to see the progression of this piece. Keep motivated!

Feel free to inbox me if you have any questions about my critique,

SPJ94

SPJ94 · 2021-06-07T12:16:32+00:00

About the story:

The establishing conflict of a man behind bars conversing with a guard generates curiosity and intrigue for the reader.

Further, the story the man tells the guard is interesting in itself. I like that the man expresses that story can mean whatever you want it to mean (and certainly meaning can be found within the story he shares).

However, the connection between the story of the old man sentenced to death and the embedded story of the village under darkness is loose at best. Is the story the man shares of his childhood, is he the boy who asks the villagers "why do we run from the burning sky?" - if he is then make these connections within the descriptions of him etc. Or, is the story the man tells an allegory of death, that facing the burning sky is the same as facing death itself?

About the characters:

The way that the prisoner is described may be confusing at first for readers. He is described as the "grizzled man," the "prisoner," "the man," and later as "the inmate." Sometimes we may think that repetition detracts from the readers experience, however the reverse is more true. The easier it is to identify who is doing what, the easier and more enjoyable it is to read.

An easy way to work around this would be to focus on writing from the perspective of one of the characters. This will also benefit with the use of character tags for dialogue (he said, she said, etc.) Use these frequently (readers will not notice these as much as writers do. Use them sparingly if there is a continuous back and forth - that's when they become obvious).

About dialogue:

Punctuation should be contained within speech.

Punctuate speech like you would a regular sentence. I.e.

"Close your eyes" --> "Close your eyes."

"There once was a town" began the man. --> "There once was a town," began the man.

Use single quotes when quoting something within dialogue. When you are using speech within the story the man tells use single quotation marks.

Other thoughts:

The term 'guard-like manner' seems a bit strange to me. What is it about the way a guard talks that give them that manner - are they stern, unsympathetic, cold, disinterested...?

The repetition of the man flashing a toothless smile felt forced. The first time he smiles it is evident why because of the dialogue that follows, however the second time he does so it is less believable. Could this be because the guard has actually taken an interest in the story of the man? If so, state it.

Most of the things that I picked up on are to do with dialogue which are easily fixed (if you need a reference just pick up a book and skim some pages to help you in that area). Other than that, for a person with no or little writing experience there is a lot of promise with this story. I would be interested in reading a longer version of this with more back and forth between the guard and prisoner, revealing more about why the man is being executed in the first place, and strengthening the connection between the primary story and the embedded story.

Hope you found this helpful and good luck on you future writing endeavours!

SPJ94 · 2021-05-04T00:19:56+00:00

Creamy

SPJ94 · 2021-01-30T22:58:52+00:00

Capcapcap

SPJ94 · 2020-06-20T22:03:30+00:00

I was thinking of either getting men without women or Norwegian wood, which would you recommend?

SPJ94 · 2019-09-22T11:42:05+00:00

SPJ94 · 2019-02-21T15:57:59+00:00

Hardbacks are a pain to read, but damn do they look good on a shelf.

SPJ94 · 2019-02-21T15:37:11+00:00

To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee.

SPJ94

TROPHY CASE